to feel a bit tricked by life? And wonder if I will ever have a job I don't hate?

[LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary]

Hello,

I'm 32yrs old, single, no DCs. Live happily alone in a flat with a mortgage.

I was the good girl at home & school and was led to believe that if I got good exams and went to uni, all would be happy days.

So I became a lawyer (a poorly paid, legal aid lawyer!!). Within 2yrs, I hated it. Thought it was the firm/long commute. Changed firms. Hated it - the politics, paperwork, people. Got made redundant anyway. Now onto Firm #3 before I even turn 30 - had to just take whatever I could get. Hated it. Moved abroad with then-DP and ended up working in a completely different, non-lawyer role. Great at first - nice people. But then I started to hate the job itself - boring, pointless, repetitive. Got sacked eventually as just could not motivate self to actually do it.

Split with DP and moved home. Got current (lawyer) job in Feb of this year. Great at first. Then they moved me to another office with a bitch of a boss. Had me working 10-12 hr days and still wanted more. Got a massive bollocking off the Big Boss last week for making mistakes (even tho I have been 100% trying). Now lost all motivation and wonder where the hell I go from here.

I'm at that stage again where I hide indoors on weekends just praying for Monday not to come. And waking up in the night dreading getting up for another day.

Does everyone feel like this about their jobs? All the time? I can't take another 30 years of working, feeling like this.

I've largely given up on life to be honest. I'm pretty fed up of it. I'm sick of people. I don't want to do anything except maybe work at home and not have to see anyone or go anywhere.

Part of me says to myself "snap out of it, people have a lot worse" and another part of me thinks "it's never going to get any better, just jump off a bridge and be done with it".

Other relevant points: I'm currently low/NC with my DParents. I am on antidepressants, I am a recovering alcoholic (dry 7months) and I currently weigh about 15stone!

Hit me with it.
Thanks in advance.

Watching to see the advice offered!

Good luck op!

Firstly, well done on your 7 dry months that's a huge positive change you're making for yourself.

It all sounds tough. What about friends/hobbies/life outside of work? That was the big thing for me when I felt so low about work - I learnt that shrinking my job down so that it wasn't the only thing I felt I was doing really helped.

You sound exhausted.

I would quit, rent out my flat and jump on a plane somewhere for an adventure like Australia. I actually did do this when I was 29 and I had an amazing 2 years, made fantastic friends, got great jobs here and there it was fab travelling to Thailand, Bali, Cambodia etc in between. And I had my flat to come back to afterwards with money from renting it out to travel with, pay the mortgage and a lump sum to help ease me back into life back in Blighty.

The world is full of possibilities if you let it.

now God knows, I'm no expert, but I'd say you need to forget everything you were told job wise, and think what would you actually like to do? have you any hobbies or interests that might spark an interest in something?

and well done on being dry for so long.

Hard isn't it?

I think you are still young enough to change career.
Nobody can tell you what to do but you have to find career adviser who can go with you through your working life and help you to understand waht really keeps you motivated.

I was "lucky" to been offered 3 hours with career adviser as a part of redundancy package several years ago. In my case it was boiled down to get to the point - "What in your job/working day recently gave you that fire in your belly?". Once I realised what it was it was fairly easy not to be swayed by more lucrative job opportunities but to stick with what keeps me motivated. It was mostly type of job I used to do but drifted away from it trying to jump the boat to better paid job which in fact was killing me with boredom.

How much you like your job is genetic. Seriously, you may just have the 'I hate my job' genes.

Rather than thinking of what job you'd like to do, keep it simple and think about what little elements you like about a job.

So, do you like making lists and ticking things off? Do you like making decisions and being in charge? Do you like helping people? Do you like to be reactive or pro active?

I like organising stuff, making lists, de-cluttering.

I don't like noise or mess. Or people in my face all the time.

Great idea about the careers counsellor.

(also great idea about Australia but I think maybe I should lose some weight first so I can make the most of it!)

You sound just like I was a few years back. I was depressed, ill, 25 stone (yup!) teaching and hating it, having panic attacks, wondering when/how it would all become nice one day. I do have DCs but one divorce behind me and a major failed relationship.

What changed? Well, for one thing, all the things you think you have to do, you don't. You can move. You can do any job you bloomin' well like that brings in a wage (you are allowed to have fun at work), you can allow yourself to do the things you might dream of doing (live abroad, retrain, live in the country/city). I found that I had just boxed myself in with beliefs about what I was allowed/supposed to do. You are allowed to go and live in a camper van in Cornwall. You can retrain as a swimming instructor/outdoor pursuits guide/clown/dental hygienist. You can cut loose in whatever way that looks to you. You get just one life and no-one has made the rules about what you can do with it. I joined a 12-step programme and lost 12.5 stone, ditched the dud bloke, did lots of things to heal and get well (yoga, massage etc etc lots of it free as a practise for students), stopped teaching and started a small business from home, got chickens and bees... It was the most terrifying time of my life and I often felt like I had jumped off a cliff with no parachute both financially and personally, and it took about 2 years to turn it around, but it was worth it. Now for the sombre bit....this Feb I found out I had cancer. But I still think life is amazing. It has just made me realise that life is **ing brilliant, but you've got to live your own life, on your terms. Heal yourself from the addictions/depression and get lots of support to begin with - think of it as essential not optional to get a massage, see a counsellor or whatever floats your boat but makes you feel well. It is totally possible to turn it all around. Start planning for the life you want to lead and take steps towards it. In the words of the poem: "Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?"
You can do it! Life will be amazing again, start planning and take one step towards it now. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

You sound very depressed. Have you given the anti-depressants a chance to work? Could your GP refer you for some counselling? (Congrats on 7 months sobriety - a sign that you are able to effect positive change?)

Second the travelling idea - especially as you will have the added benefit of someone else paying your mortgage for you!

I did that after uni and was the best time of my life - and in your position you can take the time to truly reflect on what you want to do next.

If money is an issue, hop on the China TEFL forums - most schools will pay your flights out and back again (provided you do a certain agreed amount of time), and keep you in food / accommodation for free. Then you can travel of the proceeds! Don't worry about knowing nothing about teaching - they only care you are white (not even fussed about whether native English speaker or not) and you looking good in the school prospectus... ;)

There's no shame in changing careers - particularly at our age (I'm 33). I'm sure with a degree and "transferable skills", you'd be good to look at different areas, with a bit of work, creativity and imagination...

For the record, I've just started a new job and am feeling very similar!

Beelights - an amazing and motivating post. I'm sorry for your illness

Beelights - that is a truly inspirational post.

Nah you don't have to get thin first. Your life is for living now, not to be put on hold for when you get thin.

Thanks guys - bee, your post made me cry!

I'll be completely honest and say that for the most part, I have really not enjoyed life one bit. i'm always waiting for it to start properly. And there always seems to be one crisis after another - redundancy, alcoholism, being dumped!

I've actually been on antidepressants since I was 16. I feel ok when things are ok though, if you see what I mean. It does depend on circumstances.

You are depressed. I think it would be a really good idea to see your GP and get yourself signed off work. Give yourself a chance to breath, to relax, do some exercise, get well, and then start to think.

I agree with beelights. Totally. just because you are academic, it does not mean you have to do 'a profession' opt work in an office, or do anything that does not interest and fulfil you

You're not a lawyer. You tried it for years in a variety of roles with the same result - you hated it.

So go be what you really want to be and will enjoy. The other posts above have better inspiration than I have right now to offer.

But yea..you decided to be a lawyer at what? 18?

In the meantime you have discovered it wasn't for you after all.

Accet that part, take the skills you have and figure out how to use them in a way that won;t make you miserable.

(I'm 35 btw and only just found a job I love, after years of trying different types of jobs in an industry I wasn't suited for.)

Adulting is hard.

You are awesome, being "dry" for 7 months. That is a real achievement and you should be proud of yourself.
Maybe a visit to your GP would be in order, to see if the A/Ds could be more effective.

And if Australia (or anywhere else in the world!) takes your fancy, don't let your weight stop you. You I could spend the rest of your my life putting stuff off until you've I've lost 5 stone. Just go for it!

Norest

Yes, the trouble with professions is they feel like they have to be what you 'are' in some way. So if they don't work out you lose what you thought you 'were' when you chose that. And we often don't choose with good information, do we, when we are young and don't know ourselves, or what the job entails?

I found a job I love at 40

Beelights - what a fantastic post

I keep trying to think "it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, I've got to do what's right for me".

And YY to the "adulting is hard" and how it's hard to give up your "identity" as a lawyer or whatever.

What does everyone do that has a job they love?

Well done on quitting the evil drink.

I think a lot of people have jobs that they don't much like but bad jobs are a lot more bearable if the rest of you life is happy and fun.

What else do you do when you are not working? Is there anything else that you think you could do that you might enjoy? (I know you will already have thought of this )