to feel a bit tricked by life? And wonder if I will ever have a job I don't hate?

[LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary]

Hello,

I'm 32yrs old, single, no DCs. Live happily alone in a flat with a mortgage.

I was the good girl at home & school and was led to believe that if I got good exams and went to uni, all would be happy days.

So I became a lawyer (a poorly paid, legal aid lawyer!!). Within 2yrs, I hated it. Thought it was the firm/long commute. Changed firms. Hated it - the politics, paperwork, people. Got made redundant anyway. Now onto Firm #3 before I even turn 30 - had to just take whatever I could get. Hated it. Moved abroad with then-DP and ended up working in a completely different, non-lawyer role. Great at first - nice people. But then I started to hate the job itself - boring, pointless, repetitive. Got sacked eventually as just could not motivate self to actually do it.

Split with DP and moved home. Got current (lawyer) job in Feb of this year. Great at first. Then they moved me to another office with a bitch of a boss. Had me working 10-12 hr days and still wanted more. Got a massive bollocking off the Big Boss last week for making mistakes (even tho I have been 100% trying). Now lost all motivation and wonder where the hell I go from here.

I'm at that stage again where I hide indoors on weekends just praying for Monday not to come. And waking up in the night dreading getting up for another day.

Does everyone feel like this about their jobs? All the time? I can't take another 30 years of working, feeling like this.

I've largely given up on life to be honest. I'm pretty fed up of it. I'm sick of people. I don't want to do anything except maybe work at home and not have to see anyone or go anywhere.

Part of me says to myself "snap out of it, people have a lot worse" and another part of me thinks "it's never going to get any better, just jump off a bridge and be done with it".

Other relevant points: I'm currently low/NC with my DParents. I am on antidepressants, I am a recovering alcoholic (dry 7months) and I currently weigh about 15stone!

Hit me with it.
Thanks in advance.

I used to be a lawyer and i, too, hated it. I tried different types of firm, different areas of law - I was like you OP, I had worked hard and 'done well' academically and I so wanted it to be amazing to work in law, but it just wasn't. I quit (literally picked up my handbag and walked out in the middle of the day one day) and then spent a couple of months with my DD. I applied for a civil service grad scheme and have now been there 3 years. It's so much better! I'm enjoying the work, it's not stressful and I don't have to deal with arseholes on a daily basis. There is zero expectation that I will prioritise work over my own life and if you work beyond your contracted hours you take them back another day.

If you can afford it, I would thoroughly recommend a session with Benjamin Fry. He has a practice in London. He may be able to help you identify the causes of your unhappiness and also to work out what will make you happy going forward. It is quite expensive but for me it was worth every penny. Especially when you just feel lost and miserable and as if you've been hoodwinked into this life that is supposed to be successful and fabulous and actually is just shit. That's how I felt anyway! I managed to identify why I felt unable to leave my legal career even though it was making me so unhappy.

Please don't put off doing things 'until you lose weight'. You do know that is ridiculous, don't you?

I was very introverted and suffered from anxiety, still do, when I went on my travels but you are no longer constrained by anything and adventures and experiences just happen to you esp, when you stop over in Bangkok and just take a breath once you arrive in a bar on kohsan Road and watch the world go by, I had a complete culture shock on arrival in Bangkok and had a massive panic attack at first but got over it, and the same in Sydney, I couldn't leave the hostel for 3 days, someone else staying there had to literally drag me out. But I got over it and it all made me the person I am today.

I would sell your flat. Then take a year out. Travel. No management of tenants from another country, no debt, nothing to drag you back home again.

Hey,

I think you can change your life to make it into something more enjoyable. But just a note of caution about making big changes in the first year of recovery. Sobriety must come 1st.

Good luck :)

You asked what jobs make you happy? I am an artist and before that travelled the world teaching English as a foreign language.

I am so excited for you op, bee congratulations! I always found having things to look forward to to be truly motivating and inspiring. I definitely think renting out your home and then going backpacking is a great idea. You can start hostelling at home for the odd weekend to get into the groove of what it's like as you meet fabulous, motivated single people that way from all over the world that way. You could do volunteering in a field you're interested in, may be help out at your local Riding for Disabled centre if your MN name is anything to go by?

When you have got a bit of confidence, flying off to teach English in Korea, Japan or China would be a handheld way of doing it as a company would organise the job, flights and accomodation for you. When you are a bit more experienced there is nothing to stop you travelling first and picking up employment through word of mouth while you are there.

Sounds as if you need to discover yourself op, so be kind to yourself and start taking little steps into new directions just to get you on the right track. Most importantly, you'll need a sense of humour so that if things don't quite go according to plan you can brush it off and something else x

OP, I can completely relate.

I know that I will never be happy in the workplace (so basically in life seeing as you spend half your life at work) until I either work from home, but doing what??? OR make my hobby my career but unfortunately there isn’t a lot of money in it so that’s a no go.

Well done on your dry 7 months! I hope you find a path that makes you happy!

You must have loads of transferrable skills as a lawyer that will enable you to change tack. But don't wait to lose weight, just do it - Australia, whatever- and you'll find it easier to lose weight when you're treating yourself well anyway :)

Can i recommend a book? its called how to do everything and be happy by peter jones. its v good at making you think about what you want from life and how to break things down to managable goals. You might find that not all of the strategies apply to you, but take from it what does appeal.

I always recommend temping, as it gives you insight into lots of workplaces.

Why do you need to lose weight to travel? Ok, so you're too fat (unless you're 6 foot 5 or training for a power event at the next Olympics, which I assume you'd have mentioned). You're not too fat to get on the plane, though. Sure, by all means take a few stone off for your health. But it isn't a reason not to do other things.

I say this as having worked (in smaller companies) with lawyers but also know Magic Circle lawyers.

You 'could' try a totally different career change - eg I worked for architects as a PA and found them totally lovely compared to lawyers.

You could retrain etc.

The people who I know who are happy are doing things they love (not everyone is lucky enough to do this) one woman has retrained in dance (at dance school) and is teaching dance having loved it as a child/young adult/adult.

If you are happy enough making enough money to pay the mortgage with a bit left over for fun stuff (which doesn't have to be expensive) or you can rent out your flat and travel then do it now... don't wait. travel and/or get a job you enjoy.

Being dry for 7 months is great and a real achievement (well done for that), having a mortgage and a well paid job is great but not if you're feeling suicidal, unhappy and not having a life at the weekends due to feeling depressed about your job.

as someone else said 15 stone is nothing - if you travelled you'd tone up/lose weight/eat more healthy etc and no-one will judge you for your weight or they're idiots if they do!

chin up OP.

Just wanted to chip in to say that I don't hate my job, but I don't love it either and I think that can be ok too - you don't necessarily need to find the perfect job that you adore in order to have a happy and fulfilled life. Some people LOVE working, they find an identity and motivation in what they do and that's fantastic for them but sometimes you can acknowledge that what works for them doesn't work for you, and that it doesn't make you a bad person.

My job is varied enough to be interesting but not so fast paced that I carry stress forward into my home life. I'm on a decent salary for the area but usually leave the office by 6pm and I don't have to work weekends. It enables me to do the things I love such as writing, sewing, knitting, going on holidays, and for me, that's enough from a job. One day I may go part time to have more time to focus on the things I love but I'm also not going to trade in financial security to pursue a pipe dream because I know that would make me incredibly anxious and that doesn't work for me.

What I'm saying is - go for it, go travelling and do fantastic things you love, but don't fall from one set of expectations (fantastic career) to another (fulfilling dream job) without realising that there's a perfectly happy middle ground available as well for all us plodders and potterers who are content being "ok" rather than "super".

I know what you mean about false expectations, without moaning too much I do feel our generation (I'm 27) was sold a bit of a lie - I was always really bright in school, and was told that if I worked hard, and went to uni I'd get an excellent, interesting, well-paying job, easily have my own house by 25,etc. etc....of course recession hit, rents went up astronomically, tuition fees tripled, and suddenly me, and a lot of my friends are in unexceptional jobs, renting crappy flats or still living at home, paying off student loans for the next 25 years...

Of course I'm fully aware of how lucky, comparatively, I am, but it is a lot easier to compare yourself on a day-to-day basis with friends or acquaintances, or (most damagingly) with an alternate universe version of yourself, if you had made different decisions - than with people whose lives are very removed from your own, like immigrants or people suffering with life limiting illnesses, etc.

I think a big thing is not to expect too much from your job. Most people don't love their jobs - that's why we get paid for doing them, because we wouldn't do it for free or if we had the choice! Make sure you have a full life that includes hobbies, friends, home, interests, so your job isn't the be all and end all, the one thing that you rely on for intellectual stimulation and funding and companionship iuswim. It should just be one aspect of your life, therefore anything that isn't perfect about it shouldn't affect you disproportionately. However, if you do hate your job, that's different and you should try and look into changing as soon as possible. Give it a few months and really go for it.

Good luck!

Thanks guys.
I've been in tears at work again today, so close to just walking out.
I've got a lot to think about.

OP - Please go and see your GP. I am no doctor but I would say that you need professional help. I wouldn't be surprised if there were underlying issues related to your alcohol addiction (congrats on being dry for 7 months) that you are seeing manifest themselves in the workplace. Also, I would speak to your GP to assess if the level of support you are receiving for your addiction issues is adequate. Has anyone spoken to you about ADHD/ADD? You might find these links an interesting read:

www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/1868.html

www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/adult-adhd-attention-deficit-disorder.htm

Mental diseases are very real and if you really want to turn things around I would start with going to a GP and talk to them about what is going on. Travelling only puts a bandaid on things and is not a long term solution IMO. I say this as someone who has travelled extensively and see others do it for it to only delay the inevitable as the problem(s) don't go away.

As a side note I think law as a career sucks. Its a great training ground but as an auditor my limited interaction with lawyers is about as much as I can stand. A lawyer's job is to nit pick contracts and find problems and a solution through negotiation. I can imagine that skill set sometimes carries through to other aspects of their job such as people management. I can imagine you would need the hide of a rhino to not let it affect your mental health.

My lawyer friends who are happy don't work for law firms but for in house counsel in corporate positions. A mother at DD's school is a contract negotiator for a huge financial services company and finds the workplace wonderful. She is the only lawyer in the group and loves that aspect of her job. She only worked for a law firm for 2 years and never worked for another one again. She is making a very handsome salary for her work (enough to support her DH working PT, a $3 million home, 3 holidays a year and private school for her DD starting next year) and gets stock options I would love to see coming my way.

Oh and OP - a huge hug and

Hey LeftMy, you have so much going for you.

First of all, having legal qualifications makes you a great candidate for all sorts of career changes. So many different environments are looking for people like you, and you have the qualifications to prove it.

Secondly, as others have said, if the office environment is not for you, then there are lots of things outside that environment.

I think you need to think really clearly about what you want, in two broad categories:

1- what do you care about? - so - what sort of work do you want to do? Do you care about music, children, the environment, justice, finance, the arts, stately homes - where is your heart and what direction do you want to put your labour in?

2- what do you need day to day to make your job comfortable? Do you need shorter hours than is standard for a lawyer? (which is fine - without going officially part time, for instance, lots of public sector jobs have policed flexi-time and a 47 hour week for instance. But then you can work part time too). Do you need fresh air? Do you need to be alone? do you need to be alone all the time, or are you ok with scheduled meetings, and then time at your desk to do the alone thing? Or maybe nothing at a desk, ever? this may be difficult to work out if you have never had an environment that suits you. Think about other contexts - were you happy at school, or when was your best holiday, or what about hobbies?

I think you sound so stuck that you need someone else to talk things over with to answer these questions and think of things that work with your personality. I also suspect you think you don't deserve that support. You do. I think you should find a careers counsellor / life coach who comes highly recommended and get some time to work out your next steps.

You do not say if you are interested in having a family or not. This is not something that has to be top of the list but if you have unresolved feelings about this, it may be helpful to get them out in the open too.

Any chance of any coaching through work? I mean is there a list of external coaches you might be able to talk to or something? maybe a silly suggestion if you want to leave that industry, but maybe you don't, maybe you just need to find a place within it that's better for you.

Take some time off and do some research.

do you have friends?

There are so many things out there which you can do. You are so lucky, you are healthy and able and intelligent. You have a mind which can analyse situations, which can create order. Those things are always needed in any sector.

You have a lot going for you, even if you don't think you do, you actually do.

Oh, and go to Australia! The weight will go while you're there. Trek around. Work in bars. See what comes up.

I've been reading this with interest. I'm not in a good place myself at the moment and took today off work to finally speak to a doctor.

Anyway that's not why I posted, I just want to say there are a lot of inspiring posts on here.

Op I think identifying you are unhappy in work (or whatever it may be) is the first step (as cheesy as it sounds ) and there is no shame in 'quitting' if you are doing something that makes you unhappy.

I did 2 years of uni in a course that made me desperately unhappy but I thought it was making my mum proud. Finally admitted to her how I felt and she knew, and supported me.

I travelled and then changed jobs several times before being reasonably happy and settled and even now, I'll admit people ask what happened to my degree. The difference is now I'm confident admitting it made me miserable and so I left. I realise some people frown upon that but I know it was right for ME .

I guess I'm trying to say take some time out, if you need a break from work then take it, either as leave or if you need to be signed off then so be it.
But keep a routine and take time out for you whether a long bath every morning or going for a walk in the park or cooking or reading or things you enjoy.

And again well done on being dry 7 months

It took me years to get over the fact that I quit a profession that i had trained for for years. But it, and the expectations I had of myself had made me depressed. I don't ever want to go back to that.

Being sick of people, not wanting to go anywhere, and feeling bleak are not what you are, they are symptoms of depression.

It can be hard/impossible to do a lot of thinking about change when you are in the midst of the anxiety and bleakness, so as I said I think getting time off is a priority.

All the best. You are young (I know you don't feel it), but there is so much ahead of you. My turning point was when someone said 'No-one is holding a gun to your head' - you don't have to carry on in a lifestyle that does not suit you

Good luck!!

I was the good one, worked hard, saved. Had enough for a deposit on a house in my early 20s. I was so close to buying but l chucked my job in and travelled the world for the next 10 years, lived in different countries. Had heaps of jobs. Realised if l wasn't happy, l could move. It was a revelation. And l had bouts of depression before this too.

You are not stuck! And I'm not a massively social person, you can travel without having to be!

Even now if l feel a little down/trapped l tell myself l can go and it just cheers me up. I'm not going to be stuck anywhere.

I'm glad this thread is helping others too!
Thank you again to everyone who has taken the time to contribute to this.

I'll post my progress...Riding Crop's Adventures.

Oh good, please do come back and tell us how you're getting on.

I hope you get a good night's sleep tonight and feel a little better tomorrow, if only from deciding to make some changes.
Good luck

Read this with interest as I feel largely the same. All I can do is go to as many interviews as I can. I'm in a career that can be changed a lot ie,lots of variation so I'll keep going until I get a job I like. Have you considered change of career? However I know that's dependant on finances for most x

Morning OP. I see you responded to my post about picking elements of a job that you enjoy, sorry I haven't been back on since!

I've had a couple of careers, all in the same field. I don't have as glamorous a work title now, but am earning more and enjoying my day a lot more than I did before. What I did was examine in detail what activities I enjoyed, then looked for a job that used those more. I also like lists and organising, and don't like noise.

Have you tried the Myers Briggs questionnaires? There are loads of free ones online.

Nobody should have to do a job that makes them miserable. You have a good education, the reason we study (besides enjoying it) is to give us choice. You don't enjoy being a lawyer but I bet there are other things (depression notwithstanding) that you will enjoy, you just need to find it.