to give up work and become a SAHM to teenage DCs

[Lauresbadhairday]

I have a reasonably well paid but stressful job. I am lucky to work P/T - one long day (9-7), 3 school hour days (9-3) and a day off per week. Our finances are such that I don't really need to work. Our mortgagee is paid off and DH earns a good enough salary for us to live comfortably.

The bottom line is that I don't enjoy my job anymore and want to give it up. I have no plans to study or get another job but want to be a SAHM. The problem with this is that my DCs are now teenagers (14&13) and are therefore becoming increasingly independent and self-sufficient so I wonder if I am just being lazy and selfish expecting my DH to essentially fund me to stay at home every day. I'm sure I would be happier and less stressed. I enjoy reading, jigsaws, baking so I'm sure I will be able to fill my time plus we have a dog who I will enjoy taking out for long walks. I will of course continue to run the household but I do this already so not much will change in that department.

So AIBU to consider giving up work?

OP personally I don't think its an issue as long as your DH is happy with it and you are financially okay - that's actually between you and your DH and you are certainly not unreasonable to consider it.

You might want to think of it less as giving up work to be a SAHP to your teenagers, as "giving up work" - i.e 'retiring".

It might be useful for you to think of it in this way in order to make the decision, because really in a handful of years they may be out the house, and your role as a parent may just about be redundant. By which time you have a several year gap on your CV, possibly an age that isn't as employable as someone 10-15 years younger (I don't know how old you are and perhaps you had children young and that is less relevant - and it shouldn't be relevant at all, but it kind of is).

So would you be willing to retire now?

Another point I'd be considering if I were you is will you be LONELY? If the teenagers are increasingly independent and out more and more, it is loneliness that may be an issue for you, and this very much depends on how much company you need.

Lonlieness is cumulative - the first 3 years may be fine and after that you may begin to notice it. And you may hate the job, but you may not realise just how much "company" you get just from being there and you may not realise how much you need that till its gone.

I am a SAHM and I have to work at not being lonely. People who I know who have never been SAHM's assume its "finding things to do" that I have to work at but its not - there's plenty to do, I'm not bored, the school day goes quickly (mine are younger, I'd probably find it harder to fill the day if they were gone altogether or not coming in till 7pm or something). But its the people-company and stimulation of just general conversation or interaction that I have to "find". And I do find it, and its fine, but it means I have to nurture friendships more than before I gave up work, and seek out various opportunities to do things that I may otherwise say "no I can't be bothered to do that" because I feel I ought to get out and do it and see more people, if that makes sense.

Of course it also is relevant how much company you need. My husband would happily be a hermit, he's an introvert, so he would be going "what?" if he could hear me now

Bugger, haven't been deleted for aaaages

Sorry, OP

Ive only been on a fews days and get deleted lol

you bloody rebel, you

Your financially comfortable but even more so if you work....your kids are finally getting to the age where you can think about yourselves as a couple again - looking forward to travel, maybe a change of home maybe renovations you always put off. I would be really put out if my partner set us back financially just when the door is starting to open on some of the benefits of a two income household.

I imagine few people want to work - who wouldn't rather read and pursue hobbies? I do think a 13 and 14 year old require hands on parenting though....is there any way you could cut back on hours, job share, work from home or retrain to something that would allow you more freedom in your schedule?

Ive had to go to fulltime as i couldnt afford to still do part time work. Must admit that it is only 3 days a wk, 12 1/2 hr shifts.

But how would you feel if your dh came to you and told you he wanted to give up work because he thought he would be happier playing golf or reading novels?

I actually found WOHM-dom much harder as my DCs got older; suddenly I felt I really needed to be there to supervise homework and mop tears/sort out teenage strops in a way I hadn't really worried about when they were Primary age. So do what you feel you need to do - they'll be up and off before you know it, and then you can hopefully resurrect a career.

But how would you feel if your dh came to you and told you he wanted to give up work because he thought he would be happier playing golf or reading novels?

Yes, that's how I feel. No way would I be happy going to work for the next 20 years supporting my DH if he decided he would rather be at home. Wouldn't everyone rather be at home than at work!?

I could think of a million inexpensive hobbies that I could while away the hours doing and so could DH. Why would it be fair for me to do that and not him?

Sounds more like early retirement than sahm, but nothing wrong with that!

I couldn't really say if you're unreasonable or not. I don't think anyone can, if you are both making the decision and are happy with it then it is reasonable.
If YABU then your husband would be too.

I do struggle to understand this view however. I just couldn't please myself and not bring in ANYTHING financially while my other half worked.

This is just my opinion and I get that others life experiences will influence their opinions.

Hassled she's home from 3pm four days a week...

But you would not be doing nothing OP?

You say you do all the housework/cooking/cleaning

Also kids, older ones, still need to be ferried around, help with homework etc

Just do what works for you and your family

Just do whatever you want. No DH worth his salt will resent you giving up work if that's what you want to do.

Everyone's different, we all need different things at different times and have fluctuating levels of energy.

Sometimes you just get to the point of utter exhaustion that you just simply can not carry on in a job you hate. I could go more in depth at this point but I'm exhausted and am falling asleep.

Nothing wrong with taking time out, a step back and giving yourself the space to find out what's next in life.

Why not? I certainly resented dh not going back to work. It was frustrating seeing how happy he was pottering around at home when I had the slog of going to work every day, and the stress of worrying about the future too.

No partner should say that you should go on being unhappy if there are alternatives. A supportive husband/wife should support you to find a solution to your current unhappiness and stress but that's not the same as supporting you in doing whatever you want.

OP I meant to ask you before, does your dh pull his weight? You said that you run the household - does that mean you do everything? Perhaps it's not just work that's making you stressed.

I love working and tend to work too much when I'm enjoying it.

I loved it when my DH was between contracts because he would drive me to work, clean, drop the kids off etc, just brilliant.

It made my life a lot easier esp as there weren't two of us stressed out and moaning about work in the evening.

I would still shop and cook as he was rubbish at it.

I never resented paying for holidays or restaurants that I wanted to go on or to because I wanted to go and I wanted him there with me to enjoy it all.

My DH doesn't like his job but doesn't resent me doing jigsaws enjoying being a SAHM, it makes him happy that I am happy.

But Green you probably always knew that a new contract was imminent; it's different with the OP because she doesn't intend to go back to work. Ever.

OP I was thinking by page four, "I bet she's regretting mentioning those fucking jigsaws", but I do think that you're a good sort for taking on people's comments here. There's nothing more annoying than seeing replies like "well that would never happen to me!" when people mention unpleasant possibilities like divorce, illness, redundancy children wanting to go to uni in London. That really gets on my tits, you want to just take a look at that relationships board to see how that turns out for some people. Even if you're lucky and that's all hypothetical, you're going to be able to enjoy the benefits your salary brings as the children get older.

Like others I think your problem is your job rather than working per se. Is there any scope for you to move roles or firms? The only thing is those are some pretty tasty hours, you might not get them somewhere else that easily.

But you won't be doing nothing will you. I am assuming you will be doing the cleaning cooking and washing during the week, and yes teenagers do need a lot of support. If a younger kid had a problem they will usually just vcome out with it
.teenagers you need to have 'hang around' time to get them to open up.

No DH worth his salt will resent you giving up work if that's what you want to do.

Don't agree with this at all. If my DH just wanted to give up work and leave me as the sole bread winner, I would pissed off. Especially since one of us manages to be here when the kids are home 6 nights out of 7. I would resent the fact that I was responsible for all our financial needs. If he was a sahp to small children there wouldn't be an issue.

To suggest a husband has to be ok with this or he is a bit of a shit is, imo, ridiculous.

Whilst I agree that it's important to be there for older children there's not really much point in having 'hang around' time if it's when the teenagers are at school.

My dh would like to stop working, he was much happier when he was at home. I enjoyed him being happy of course, and certainly appreciated all of his care. If I earned enough, felt secure enough and loved my job enough maybe that might work in the long run, but supporting someone who chooses to retire 20 years early is a huge ask, plus it's pretty risky. What if I got ill, or was made redundant, or what if one day I found that I wasn't enjoying work any more? It's not really fair for one person's choice to remove the other person's freedom.

I agree that you need to be available for teens.

But that shouldn't mean at all times. Teens should be learning that they are not the centre of the universe.

And anyway OP doesn't work three days a week and is home by 3pm another three. Pretty good during term time.

Remarkable! Mumsnet strikes again!

Only last month, someone had posted that she resented her older husband for retiring and becoming a 'SAHD' to their teenage children. Hundreds of posters then piles in to scoff at how he could possibly be a SAHD to teens and that, (despite him having a good pension) he was, you guessed it, a 'cocklodger'.

This hypocrisy NEVER EVER ceases to infuriate me! How can women expect equality if they stick to these lazy prejudices? This kind of double standard reinforces the nonsense that housework and parenting are women's jobs, and that breadwinning is the man's. Men are cocklodgers, whereas women are SAHMs?

Frankly, I feel like the people who hold these kind of reactionary views deserve all the petty, low-level discrimination they may face in life. When they hit a glass-ceiling, it's partly their own fault.

I agree BC, v hypocritical behaviour. I see it all the time.

But you won't be doing nothing will you. I am assuming you will be doing the cleaning cooking and washing during the week, and yes teenagers do need a lot of support.

But not when they are at school!!