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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter and her dad wanting to take her to uni

87 replies

vodkaredbullgirl · 06/09/2015 02:41

My eldest is off to uni in a wk or so, the ex says he has offered to take her stuff to uni.

Bearing in mind he has only seen her about 8 times in the past few yrs.

Ive been there for her through thick and thin and stood by her through her school and college yrs.

I just feel that he is wanting to show her uni friends what a doting dad he is.

He dont give a fuck about his other daughter, mind you she dont give a dam about him.

aibu i dont want him there on her 1st day.

OP posts:

headexplodesbodyfreezes · 06/09/2015 02:44

Oh dear, I can see where you are coming from. She's a grown up now though, it just comes down to what she wants doesn't it?

wafflyversatile · 06/09/2015 02:44

What does your daughter want?

squoosh · 06/09/2015 02:46

I don't blame you for being pissed off. Sounds like he wants to be there for the Hallmark moments but not the dull every day stuff.

What does she think?

DancingDinosaur · 06/09/2015 02:47

What does she want? I know its hard, and I hear what you're saying, but your dd knows you've always been there for her. Try and take a step back and let her do it how she wants to. It will make no difference to your relationship.

Original poster

vodkaredbullgirl · 06/09/2015 02:48

She hasnt said much and ive not talked to her about it just yet. It is still a wk and 1/2 away.

OP posts:

Original poster

vodkaredbullgirl · 06/09/2015 02:50

Just hope he visits her more than he has since we divorced. I think he forgets he has another daughter and she feels like he doesnt give a dam about her.

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 06/09/2015 03:13

If your daughter is off to uni she's 18 and an adult. Hard and harsh as it seems, it's not for you to decide now.

Original poster

vodkaredbullgirl · 06/09/2015 03:23

yes i know that, its up to her

OP posts:

londonrach · 06/09/2015 07:58

What does your daughter want as i understand what you saying but it would be her choice

Despondentlyyours · 06/09/2015 08:20

Tbh when we dropped my sister off at University we only saw her new room mate, who she never became friends with so he likely won't have the opportunity to see many other students, if that's his motivation.

Is there anyway you could go along too? Use him for the heavy lifting? Drive independently with some of her stuff in your car? Rather than being left out suggest two cars will make it easier?

All being well in three years time there will be a graduation ceremony, your DD will likely want both of you there.

carabos · 06/09/2015 08:27

There isn't a welcoming committee with prizes for best parent you know. Its all a messy blur of trying to fit too much unnecessary stuff into the car and a messy blur of trying to fit too much unnecessary stuff into a small room at the other end, followed by awkward introductions between the new hall or flatmates, a quick hug, tears from parents, flappy wave from kid, drive away.

Leave the decision up to your DD.

Celerysoup3 · 06/09/2015 08:31

Leave it up to your Dd. It doesn't matter what impression he's trying to create as the truth will come to light over time. Stop worrying

Horsemad · 06/09/2015 08:31

If I were in your situation I'd take up his offer of a lift, but I'd be going too! No way would he be getting to take her on his own.

Bluetrews25 · 06/09/2015 09:34

Whoever takes her, if she can't go by herself, would be advised to drop and run asap. My son reported that parents just got in the way and delayed their child joining in the start of the in-house bonding that was necessary. Send her up with some cake to share out and break the ice with. And wine/hot chocolate/whatever?
Best of luck to her in her new start. Hope she has a blast.
It could be easier if he did take her, strangely, as she might be only too keen to see the back of him, so no tearful goodbyes! Just a thought!

Clawdy · 06/09/2015 09:50

It's down to her, not you. None of the other uni kids will be remotely interested in each other's parents. It is one day.

Floisme · 06/09/2015 10:06

I think Blewtrews is spot on, especially about sending a cake. I really feel for you but I agree with most posters that it's down to your daughter.

Sorry to people who've suggested it but I think going along too - unless your daughter wants it - is a really bad idea. Assuming you don't get on with your ex, it will make for a bad atomosphere; your daughter will feel really awkward and and she'll be dying to see the back of you both (although yes, that probably happens anyway )

Savagebeauty · 06/09/2015 10:11

You need to breeziky ask her what plans are for taking her. And you need to know by tomorrow so you can make plans.
Tbh it wouldn't be a big deal to me...I'm taking dd in 2 weeks but if ex wanted to he could.
More important she knows who has been there for her in her life.

beaucoupdemojo · 06/09/2015 10:21

Tell your dd that you will be taking her. Dont let him swan in and take over. 18 is only adult in the legal sense - emotionally, financially they are often still kids and dependent on parents for support and guidance as they transition into adults. They don't instantly become adults the second they hit 18.

My ds is going to university next week. I will be going because he is mine. Your dd is yours and you have a right to be there for this. Her 'dad' shouldn't be allowed to cherry pick the bits of parenting he fancies!

DoreenLethal · 06/09/2015 10:34

He offered. OFFERED.

Like my OH offered to take his daughter and presumably move any heavy stuff for her. In my van.

Sheesh. If I'd know it was going to be taken this way then I'd have advised him not to bother. Luckily his ex wife isn't so possessive.

Then no doubt you would be on here 'My ex didn't offer to take her - what a bastard'.

beaucoupdemojo · 06/09/2015 10:40

Doreen presumably your dh has seen his child more than 8 times in the last few years and bothers with all his dc.

You are not comparing like for like.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 06/09/2015 11:01

Maybe she thinks she'll be less emotional if he takes her whereas she might get upset saying goodbye to you?

My mum doesn't drive, I was taken and collected by my dad, his parents, and his brother, at various times. But it was my mum I cried on the phone to when I was homesick.

Original poster

vodkaredbullgirl · 06/09/2015 11:08

I will be taking her no matter what, he lives 100s of miles away and would have to drive all the way down here.

OP posts:

Andrewofgg · 06/09/2015 11:23

OP You need to think ahead. Three years of university means 18 of these runs and you should let him take his share. If the journeys allow him to build some sort of relationship that is good news - however much you may resent it.

And one fine day there will be a graduation and he may well want him tone there and she may well want him there - in which case you will have to accept it, because it's her day, not yours.

Floisme · 06/09/2015 11:32

I will be going because he is mine.
No he's not. Sorry but this is his adventure, not yours.

And before you ask, my son will (hopefully) be going next year and I'm already getting teary thinking about it.

Mitzi50 · 06/09/2015 11:32

I guess it's up to her. Can you compromise?

I had this last year and DD wanted us both to come but not to stay too long . Actually it worked out ok - his car was bigger so he could fit in more stuff and he paid for the petrol . The 4 hour journey home without her was awkward though.

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