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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter and her dad wanting to take her to uni

87 replies

vodkaredbullgirl · 06/09/2015 02:41

My eldest is off to uni in a wk or so, the ex says he has offered to take her stuff to uni.

Bearing in mind he has only seen her about 8 times in the past few yrs.

Ive been there for her through thick and thin and stood by her through her school and college yrs.

I just feel that he is wanting to show her uni friends what a doting dad he is.

He dont give a fuck about his other daughter, mind you she dont give a dam about him.

aibu i dont want him there on her 1st day.

OP posts:
Murfles · 06/09/2015 14:59

I will be going because he is mine. Your dd is yours and you have a right to be there for this.

Scary future MIL alert Hmm. We don't own our children FFS.

OP your DD should decide who she wants there. Let her choose. She'll be apprehensive enough about starting Uni and leaving home without friction from her mum and dad.

Topseyt · 06/09/2015 15:04

For my DD, she is dropped off and picked up at the start or end of each term and year. Not this coming year as she will be living abroad, but when she is in the UK.

It is,a two hour drive.

It was the same in my day, some 27 years ago now (at least). As far as I can see too, it was & remains the same for most students, then and now.

beaucoupdemojo · 06/09/2015 15:07

When I am a mil, I will respect their home and personal space. I will not be turning up at the delivery suite or moving in with them the second they get home from the hospital with pfdgc, but I won't stop being a parent to my dc. That will take whatever form my dc need.

I still love and need my parents. They still help me and support me when I need it. That takes nothing away from my marriage. I will be to my dc what my parents are to me.

Murfles · 06/09/2015 15:10

I wish I could drop my lot of at Uni and leave them there. Unfortunately, all 4 of them chose to stay at home and commute.

ArendelleQueen · 06/09/2015 15:11

Let him go. If he's anything like my sister, you'll need at least 2 cars to cart the stuff!

Floisme · 06/09/2015 15:15

I'm sure we all agree that you never stop being a parent, beaucoup Where we part company is the point where you said that your children are yours and that you have a right to go with them.

GrannyNinja · 06/09/2015 15:22

Children don't stop being yours, once they turn 18. ...
but I will always be present in my dc's lives to love, help and support them

I agree but it depends on what you mean by present.

Our oldest DS's live in a different country and so we rarely see the DGS but that's because we moved, not them. Sometimes, our kids choose to live far away, whether for work, love etc.

You need to be willing to let them go and live their own lives and expect to take a back seat, especially so with sons. The mother of a son becomes the MIL when it comes to grandchildren. Chances are, you will play second fiddle to the DIL's mum. Might be good to start getting used to the idea now.

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/09/2015 15:48

beaucoupdemojo

"happy to share" Hmm

Murfles · 06/09/2015 16:05

You need to be willing to let them go and live their own lives and expect to take a back seat, especially so with sons. The mother of a son becomes the MIL when it comes to grandchildren. Chances are, you will play second fiddle to the DIL's mum. Might be good to start getting used to the idea now.

I agree with some of this. I think it's only natural a lot of the time for DIL's to turn to their own mums when they have children. I know I did. I would have been mortified though if my MIL had felt she was playing second fiddle to my mum. Having 4 children under 5 at one point I was SO grateful my mum and MIL were both eager to be a huge part of our children's lives. They'd both go off together with all 4 kids to give me a break or both come round to let me have a bath in peace while one looked after the kids and the other cleaned the house Grin

sonjadog · 06/09/2015 16:06

I'd let him do it. It is a lot of driving and carrying. Your daughter's friends aren't going to give a rat's ass what kind of doting father she has so if that is his plan, it will come to nothing.

Why not go down and visit her for a weekend in a month or so? At that time she will be settled in and you can see where she lives when it is set up and meet her new friends. At the start of term people are busy with their own stuff, they aren't going to have time or interest in meeting other people's parents.

HSMMaCM · 06/09/2015 16:16

If she decides to go with her dad, then let him go. Her friends won't be the least impressed. Send her with a shoe box (or something) to open after he leaves, with essentials like a bottle of beer/champagne, a pack of plasters/condoms some of her favourite sweets or whatever little nicknacks will make her smile and think of you.

It really will just be a day of chaos and you can visit later when she's settled in and ready to show a parent around and introduce her new friends.

HSMMaCM · 06/09/2015 16:16

Cross post with others Grin

DoreenLethal · 06/09/2015 16:22

Doreen projecting much? Presumably your OH is involved all the time not just on high days and holidays.

Not projecting - just mentioning that he has only offered [not demanded] and that if he didn't offer, the OP would probably be on here moaning about him not offering.

beaucoupdemojo · 06/09/2015 16:37

My plan for my later years is to go on lots of cruises with dh. I certainly won't be badgering my kids to keep me entertained. That said, I don't accept that my sons and I should become less close to me and dh due to the addition of a dil. I fully expect her to be closer to her own parents than to me, but I don't see that my own sons will. Can only go by my own family of course but my brothers remain emotionally close to my parents despite both having partners and one brother living abroad.

My own dc loved my mil as much as they love my mum.

I don't believe mils (of sons especially) should accept being second class citizens. It is possible to be a decent mil without giving up all access/contact to one's sons!

Support from me will take whatever form they need in the future.

When I say they are mine, I don't mean that I own them, but that I have a vested interest and responsibility to see them safe and well and happy. That doesn't stop when they become adults and part of my job is to support them in becomming decent adults.

I do think I have a right to take them to uni for the first time. It's a big deal and it's important they know I care enough to kake the effort. And I do want to see where all my money will be going Smile

PlymouthMaid1 · 06/09/2015 17:19

Let him do it as it is a stressful knackering day usually and you are unlikely to meet any of her future mates.

Original poster
vodkaredbullgirl · 06/09/2015 17:35

She is in halls of residence so wont be taking loads with her. Mind you saying that shes not even started packing yet.

The uni is only 84 miles away so not too far.

Doreen no i wouldnt be moaning if he didnt offer as i know what he is like. He sees the kids once a fecking yr if they are lucky for a few hours. My 15 yr old wants nothing to do with him, her choice.

OP posts:
maybebabybee · 06/09/2015 17:36

Even in halls you take loads. It's no different from renting a furnished house really.

CruCru · 06/09/2015 17:57

Blimey. My mum put me on the train with a couple of suitcases.

Realistically, if he has offered, let him. Particularly if it is a long drive. Have a nice dinner with her the night before.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 06/09/2015 18:24

I got the coach! 300 miles..I was no stranger to National Express in those days.
What do young people whose parents dont have cars do I wonder?

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 06/09/2015 18:25

I totally do own my ds. He is MINE. Bwahahahah

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 06/09/2015 18:25

I agree about let him take her,then visit in a month, she will be ready glad to see you.

VenusRising · 06/09/2015 18:43

Why can't they drive themselves, and sort themselves out?

When I headed off, I took out a loan, got myself a small car, packed it up and drove off into the sunset. Didn't even ring to say I'd arrived. I won a scholarship in uni and had a job to pay back the loan.

My parents didn't have any say in what I studied, or where, and how I paid for it, and I liked it that way!

These 18 yo children sound very immature.

Have to laugh at the "MIL from hell in the making" comments- mine indeed!!
Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa! Good luck with that...

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/09/2015 18:51

VenusRising
"Why can't they drive themselves, and sort themselves out?"

Not everyone has a car

Most Unis make it very difficult for students to park their car on campus. (only relevant if living in halls)

Original poster
vodkaredbullgirl · 06/09/2015 18:54

My daughter doesnt drive so will take her, she has a railcard and will be travelling home now and then.

OP posts:
KanyeWestPresidentForLife · 06/09/2015 18:54

Jesus. I feel sorry for poor kids where something as innocuous as a lift becomes a contest between parents where they end up stuck in a battlefield forced to choose. That smacks of parents who put themselves before their children.

Beaucoup I wouldn't worry to much about your future DIL. By the sounds of things your DSs will have run for the hills by then.