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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter and her dad wanting to take her to uni

87 replies

vodkaredbullgirl · 06/09/2015 02:41

My eldest is off to uni in a wk or so, the ex says he has offered to take her stuff to uni.

Bearing in mind he has only seen her about 8 times in the past few yrs.

Ive been there for her through thick and thin and stood by her through her school and college yrs.

I just feel that he is wanting to show her uni friends what a doting dad he is.

He dont give a fuck about his other daughter, mind you she dont give a dam about him.

aibu i dont want him there on her 1st day.

OP posts:
scatterthenuns · 06/09/2015 11:34

Bring him and make him lift the heavy stuff.

OneDay103 · 06/09/2015 11:36

I like scatterhuns suggestion Grin

OneDay103 · 06/09/2015 11:37

ScatterthenunsShock

MrsJorahMormont · 06/09/2015 11:37

Doreen projecting much? Presumably your OH is involved all the time not just on high days and holidays.

OP I would be pissed off too but let your DD decide. She will be under no illusions about what her dad is like. He may actually start being a better father now that he doesn't have to do any of that messy child raising bit. I've seen it happen.

colley · 06/09/2015 11:54

18 is an adult. None of the other students will be at all interested in other students parents, their only interest will be in meeting the other students and making friends.
And to the poster who said her son was mine, you do not own your children, they are not possessions.
Ask your DD OP what she wants to do. In reality this is sharing a car journey, and loading and unloading lots of stuff. But whatever you do, maybe do something special the night before to celebrate her going to Uni? A meal out for example? That way you can spend the last evening together doing something really nice.

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/09/2015 12:12

beaucoupdemojo

"I will be going because he is mine."

Please make sure that you tell any future girlfriends/partners this, it will give them a chance to run away.

Topseyt · 06/09/2015 12:46

A child / young adult going to uni is sooo hard for a parent. Perhaps mums in particular.

It is the start of really having to let go, and there have been support threads on here in the past, one of which I was on (my DD1is now just about to start her third year at Warwick, and will be spending it abroad).

I didn't have the problem of an ex, so we all went first time.

You need to ask your daughter what she thinks soon. Would your ex be reliable if he did agree to do it? Or might he let her down at the 11th hour?

Could the compromise be that you drive her to uni and meet him there so that he can help with her suitcases?

There is no "meet the new friends" session. Drop off, perhaps help unpack and then go is what the students want you to do, so that they can get on with it. That is my experience. All else would have been uncool.

Good luck to you and your DD. Exciting and emotional times. Been there.

anothernumberone · 06/09/2015 12:55

My parents dropped stuff up a couple of times to my flat at uni. There was a fair bit. My flat mates were rarely there. There was really no big parental send off so I would quite happily pack her off Ruth the ex and let him do some of the slog you have been doing for the last few years.

anothernumberone · 06/09/2015 12:56

Ruth = with

JeanSeberg · 06/09/2015 12:57

It's pointless you both going, you'll be there an hour tops from arrival to saying goodbye.

Why not fix a date to go and visit her for a day/evening in a month's time?

ImperialBlether · 06/09/2015 13:00

Why don't you agree - then tell him you'll bring her in your car with all her clothes etc and he can go to IKEA and get all the kitchen stuff and bedding and so on (list provided) and bring it with him? I think you'll find he'll be busy on the day!

Secretprincess · 06/09/2015 13:16

My dd moved abroad in July to start her 3rd year placement, same issue arose when xh offered to drive her over. I was upset (inside) until she told me that she'd accepted the offer as it would mean all lot of hassle & expense for him, she knew I would struggle to afford the tickets, fuel etc AND she made him pay for the furniture she had to buy in the local Ikea. He is notoriously stingy. I got to arrange a surprise meal out for her oldest friends so she left with some happy and fun memories.

TheExMotherInLaw · 06/09/2015 13:22

Mine took themselves! It's the student's day, and they should be in charge of who does what. It is a major step in their independence, and making themselves into functioning adults. My DD said it was cringingly embarrassing to see some parents treating their offspring like little children. If you have to go, as in, they don't have their own transport, be prepared to drop and dash. The idea of cake to share is excellent.
(OK, me, at home - when one left I secretly cried, when the other left, I secretly cheered)

maybebabybee · 06/09/2015 13:29

My parents are divorced (and really not amicable either). They both came and dropped me off at uni. My Dad drove me down with my stuff, my Mum followed on the train. It was fine - they managed to be civil for the afternoon.

Any chance this might work with you?

ImperialBlether · 06/09/2015 13:31

But virtually all students who take themselves (as in they had their own transport) only have their own transport because their parents paid for it! It's not as though they're actually independent.

TheExMotherInLaw · 06/09/2015 13:37

I meant that going to uni is a major step in their independence, so they should decide who takes them.

Floisme · 06/09/2015 13:50

Both my parents took me the first time (there were no divorce complications). Then they took me for something to eat and we ended up in a Wimpy cos it was a Sunday afternoon and nowhere else was open. I mention that only to show how long ago it was yet I still remember vividly how I just couldn't wait for them to go.

They're both dead now and it's made me feel sad thinking about it but my point is that, however emotional we feel, this is our kids' big moment, not ours.

MissBattleaxe · 06/09/2015 14:02

Let him take her, you can pick her up at the end of term. Give her a box of home made cakes or cookies to make new friends with ( and they will say what a great cook her Mum is Smile). Your daughter may find she doesn't have much to say to a man who has only seen her 8 times in several years. Let it unravel in its own way.

Most importantly, don't let on to your daughter that this upsets you or she will feel helplessly and needlessly guilty and unable to please anyone. (voice of experience)

spanieleyes · 06/09/2015 14:09

I drive 5 hours each way to drop my son at uni, I'm there long enough to unpack the car, take him to Morrisons for a shop, the pub for lunch and then set off back.

I would be quite happy for ANYONE to offer to take him!!Grin

Nonnainglese · 06/09/2015 14:20

Grin spaniel
Our two were at opposite ends of the country. DH did the driving and it followed spaniel's routine followed by me blubbering most of the way home the first time.

DCs do not want m&d hanging around, the best thing you can do is unpack, feed the dc if necessary and leave.

Your dd, either way, wil be fine.

beaucoupdemojo · 06/09/2015 14:26

Children don't stop being yours, once they turn 18. In wanting to take them to uni for the first time it doesn't automatically follow that a parent won't let their child develop and 'be'. My dc are mine, just as I am still my mum's - that relationship didn't stop me getting a boyfriend etc. I am happy to play nice and share Wink but I will always be present in my dc's lives to love, help and support them.

As an aside, I am paying a fuck tonne of money for ds to go to university. I want to see where he is going and give him a good start by making sure he is comfortable and as prepared as he can be. I don't see this as wrong or overbearing.Growing up is a process - I was not fully adult at 18, regardless of legal status.

allnewredfairy · 06/09/2015 14:35

Let him have some hassle and expense for a change OP. No-one is going to be measuring him with a perfect parent ruler.
Trust me...dropping my DD was such an anticlimax; I felt quite deflated afterwards.

cardibach · 06/09/2015 14:37

beaucoup I agree. Mine in this case doesn't imply insane possessiveness, but rather caring concern. I don't recognise the 'couldn't wait for them to leave' either from my own experience or what I have seen of my daughter and her friends. She knows I value her independence, she also has a relationship with me which is important to her (as well as me). I'd go with her OP, whether with or without your ex.

Topseyt · 06/09/2015 14:39

The uni my DD is at (Warwick) is where her Dad and I met and dated some 25 years previously.

When we dropped her off first time we did just unpack and leave her to it, though for old times' sake we did go off by ourselves for a little while to revisit the Union and see how our old haunts had changed. DD didn't go with us though. She stayed to meet her flatmates.

We didn't meet the flatmates or their families. Just said goodbye on our way back to the car and went.

I held it together for DD, got back to the car and then blubbed most of the way home while DH drove. Grin

I like to think that I am much better at the departures for uni now. I am practised.

Blu · 06/09/2015 14:55

ImperialBlether: many young people who take themselves go on the train or coach.

In my extended family parents with cars do the initial drop off, to see where they are etc, may collect them at the end to help with all the accumulated stuff, and all I between trips are train or coach. This is how it was in my day . I am pretty amazed at all these long return trips for young adults, especially with the high cost of petrol and the (comparitively) low cost of student travel .