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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave my dcs to get themselves to school?

171 replies

Carlywurly · 05/09/2015 12:29

They're year 4 and year 6. School is a safe 3-4 min walk from home.
I need to leave by 7.55 to get to work on time, they'd need to leave at 8.25 to get to school for 8.30 with lessons starting at 845.

We have a Yale lock - they wouldn't need to lock up. I would plan on putting coats and bags by the door and setting an alarm for them to remind them when to leave.

I feel they're fine watching TV for 30 mins and letting themselves out but a friend's reaction suggested she thought I was mad. We have lots of friendly neighbours very close by.

This is therefore, a genuine Aibu - happy to be told if I'm being daft even thinking this.

OP posts:

WankerDeAsalWipe · 06/09/2015 19:06

That sounds perfect and it will also allow them to see whether it is something they are happy with themselves.

I can remember as a child going to my Dance Exam myself, it involved 2 buses across a city, a walk at the other end to somewhere I'd never been before (a venue that was upstairs from a set of shops and not the easiest place to find) I remember being slightly concerned right at the end as I wasn't sure if I was at the right door - not great signage as it was just somewhere they'd hired to do the exams in. But. I managed it and made my way back.

It was the only dance exam I ever sat. I found the certificate when tidying some stuff at my Mum's house and checked the date. I was 8!! and only just 8. This was in 1974 and neither of my parents saw any problem with it :)

Children are capable of far more than we realise and I include myself in that with my very coddled teenagers.

GreenPetal94 · 06/09/2015 19:15

How do the kids feel about it?

Original poster

Carlywurly · 06/09/2015 19:30

Rainbow, very keen. They're also keen to walk home after school (will def not be happening!)

I think they're sick of breakfast and after school club after years of it. I'm a bit stuck though as I need to stay in work and have never had any family nearby at all.

Altering my hours may be an option though and I might see if I can do my hours over 5 short days rather than 3 long.

OP posts:

Greenpickachu · 06/09/2015 19:36

Sounds absolutely fine for a 4 minute walk.

Mine are year 4 and 5 and will be walking home from school alone on a 15 min walk which includes 2 main roads to cross.

sashh · 07/09/2015 06:40

There is only one road to cross, patrolled from 8am by a lovely neighbour.

Could they walk with lovely neighbour to the road and 'help' until breakfast club? Obviously with neighbour knowing about this and being paid.

Marynary · 07/09/2015 07:58

Surely the walk isn't the issue. It is that fact that an eight year old is being expected to get themselves out of the house and to school without adult supervision. I think that 8 is too young to do that and the 10 year old is too young to be responsible for him.

Marynary · 07/09/2015 08:00

Rainbow, very keen. They're also keen to walk home after school (will def not be happening!)

Why is it okay for them to get themselves ready in the morning and leave the house and get to school without you there but not okay for them to walk back?

bigkidsdidit · 07/09/2015 08:20

I would do it. I live in Scotland and here children walk themselves to school from year 3 ish and play out from really quite young. Interesting if there are inter-UK differences.

Marynary · 07/09/2015 08:41

I would do it. I live in Scotland and here children walk themselves to school from year 3 ish and play out from really quite young. Interesting if there are inter-UK differences.

There are bound to be differences in when they walk by themselves as traffic varies from area to area. That doesn't mean that there are difference in the age at which children are left by themselves in their house to get ready for school and out of the house on time.

bigkidsdidit · 07/09/2015 08:58

Well, firstly I do know a couple of children who do that. And secondly, if the op has brushed their teeth, supervised dressing, made sure bags are packed and sorted out breakfast, I disagree they have to 'get themselves ready for school'.

Marynary · 07/09/2015 09:11

I OP is not there when they leave they will have to do some of the "getting ready" e.g. switch off the television etc, make sure that they have everything, lock the door etc and most importantly leave on time.

Marynary · 07/09/2015 09:12

Well, firstly I do know a couple of children who do that.

I know children who do that as well but I don't know of anyone doing it at the age of eight.

NynaevesSister · 07/09/2015 10:04

Not at all unusual here and living that close to the school I'd definitely do it (I am in London). The rule at our school is that Year 6 are only allowed to walk to school/walk home from school with younger siblings from years 4 or 5 and no younger.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 07/09/2015 11:21

It sounds perfectly reasonable to me. You are getting them up and giving them breakfast - it's not as though you are leaving them at 5am to get themselves up and out.

I'd probably call from the car as well as the alarm though But that's based on my personal experience of waiting until the last possible second before switching off the TV. Two children leaving late and in a hurry are far more likely to leave the door unlocked or run across the road without paying proper attention.

I was quite amused to watch ET last night on TV and Drew Barrymore be left alone in the house at nursery age while her mum went to pick Elliot up at the school. There were lots of points during the film when I thought that Mumsnet would have a fit about that !

I would talk to both of them. The ten yr old needs to be comfortable with the responsibility and the 8 yr old needs to understand the consequences of not walking to school together / pissing about. As the "responsible" older child to a sibling I did not get on very well with, this arrangement would have resulted in rows and my younger sibling flouncing off at every opportunity.

I'd also have a chat to the lovely neighbour who does the lollipop lady bit. It would be useful to have an unvarnished opinion by the end of the week 1 as to whether they have turned up together every morning without issue.

Flumplet · 07/09/2015 11:29

I think this is fine once they are in secondary school but y4 and y6 in my opinion is too young. The onus would ultimately fall on the y6 sibling to ensure that the y4 is safe and gets ready on time, and it shouldnt be their responsibility, it's yours. I'd investigate either a childminder or breakfast club.

Nanny0gg · 08/09/2015 12:26

What do you do in the holidays?

BackInTheRealWorld · 08/09/2015 12:35

My daughter has been doing it since yr 4 (she is now in year 6).
I leave for work around 7.45 and she leaves an hour later. If she has a problem she phones me at work. She very rarely needs to though.

I couldn't have done it with my son at that age though, it definitely depends on the child.

Original poster

Carlywurly · 08/09/2015 21:41

Thanks everyone, tread I'd never noticed that in ET - how times change!

Nanny - holidays aren't too bad. We use a mix of holiday club, visiting family, my leave and dp helps when he can too.

They've never been on their own for more than 15 mins at a time until this summer when I've let them walk to the park for 30 mins or so. They are loving having a bit of independence and I want to try and build on this.

Update from this week - we've used breakfast club every day so far but they're walking tomorrow as I'm not working (with me tailing them at a distance!) I've also told them what time to meet me at the car each morning (only on the drive) and they've successfully grabbed their stuff, turned the TV off and made it out of the front door as I'm leaving by the back door. So we've had 2 successful test runs at getting out of the house without me relentlessly nagging.

Early days but it's a start and quite a good idea regardless of all this to get them motivated to sort themselves. Wish I'd done it sooner!

I've found out the lollipop lady is there from 8. I can leave at 8 so they can either set off then and hang out in the playground or wait and walk down 10-15 mins later. I'll keep using breakfast club until I feel they're ready for this - which may not happen..!

OP posts:

MissDuke · 09/09/2015 09:59

Op your responses here have been very measured, it is rare in AIBU to see the op actually change their mindset in response to the replies! Very refreshing!

Anyway, I do think it is unfortunate that so many posters failed to read your op properly and insist on stating that your children would be left to get themselves ready when this is clearly not the case. I am the opposite to you and really struggle to give my children freedom, and am reflecting now on the reasons for this. My eldest (almost 11) does have ADHD which is probably the biggest factor. After reading this thread, I think I will start to think about how I can gradually begin to give her some independence.

WankerDeAsalWipe · 09/09/2015 10:34

I definitely found that being responsible for themselves in the morning ( to a small degree) did seem to make it less stressful and made them moan less about it.

When mine used to walk in in the morning (after our breakfast club shut down) the lollypop man used to give me a wave to let me know he had seen them heading into the playground (they didn't need to cross but did walk past him on the way into the playground) they got there about half 8ish and just played until the bell rang - they weren't alone. After he waved I used to drive off. At that point they'd be a about 8 and 9 or 9 and 10.

DS2 used to sort himself out and get to school once DS1 went to High school and I needed to leaver earlier.

Original poster

Carlywurly · 09/09/2015 20:15

Thanks miss duke - I'm sure a fair few posters still think that I was planning on leaving them at the crack of dawn to fend for themselves! I know it's hard but I do think a very measured degree of independence is a good thing. Every child is different though obviously. My youngest is far more capable and mature now than the eldest was at the same age. Plus we now live in a small rural village rather then the edge of a town.

This thread has really made me think about giving them more independence. This evening they played down our lane with nearby children for a good hour on bikes and scooters. I didn't know exactly where they were - new territory for me - but I got on with the gardening, they reappeared for tea time and all was fine.

OP posts:

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