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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel as if I hate having the son that was given to me

369 replies

ladybug201 · 04/09/2015 17:28

Unsure how to phrase that. Obviously don't hate DS.

He is an adult, with autism/ASD. Never had a "proper" job. Lots of studying, lots of short term jobs. Came round asking for money. As nice as could be - always is, DS isn't horrible.

But he's not interested in anything that doesn't affect him. Doesn't ask after me. His sister started a new job today - she says the same, doesn't ask after her, just drones on about his own life and to be honest it's nothing we've not heard a thousand times before. How many times can you say oh, that's nice, great, fantastic.

I don't know. I wish I had a son who didn't have this condition.

OP posts:
IsItMeOr · 05/09/2015 17:57

Ah, I think I understand lady.

Scary to think that there is this potentially ahead of me.

I think you and Mary both have enough self-awareness to understand that those, like me, with younger DC, have to have hope that it can be okay eventually.

Apologies if I have un-helped you by that instinct. We're all on a challenging journey. Flowers

Original poster
ladybug201 · 05/09/2015 18:02

Don't forget DS is extraordinarily pig headed, and has abused drugs for a while which have taken their toll. I'm sure there are happier tales than mine :)

OP posts:
Maryz · 05/09/2015 18:03

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ollieplimsoles · 05/09/2015 18:03

My Dh is the same Maryz

I just want to moan at him a bit, not listen to a lost of solutions!

OP I think it is important for you that this thread remains a place for you to vent your frustrations Flowers

Maryz · 05/09/2015 18:05

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user838383 · 05/09/2015 18:13

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DixieNormas · 05/09/2015 18:14

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DixieNormas · 05/09/2015 18:15

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IsItMeOr · 05/09/2015 19:01

Thanks lady and Mary.

I found myself watching the Special Needs Hotel the other night. I knew I'd find it difficult - and did - but it's like I can't look away sometimes...

SladeGreen · 05/09/2015 19:05

OP, I know you've mentioned that you work long hours, but do you get much of a chance to go out in the evenings with friends, or have something you fancy doing like a gym or evening class?

SladeGreen · 05/09/2015 19:08

I was also going to say if you prefer to stay in, could you have a friend come round so that if your DS turns up, the conversation isn't centred around him? Sorry if you've already tried those things Flowers

Bulbasaur · 05/09/2015 19:22

I know you feel lonely with DS. You know he's not going to change.

Do you have other friends and hobbies so that it doesn't feel so lonely or you have other things to focus on?

Instead of having him come around, is there an activity you can do together? So even if he talks, you can do your activity and tune him out, like walking, or something?

Original poster
ladybug201 · 05/09/2015 20:19

It's feeling lonely - not because I don't have support, but because that support doesn't understand DS and can't empathise as a result.

OP posts:
Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 05/09/2015 20:33

I can't believe there are so many normal people living like this, sort of hidden in plain sight, no wheelchairs or machines but just as debilitating in a different way. I've been blissfully ignorant in that asd has barely crossed my mind, as I was too busy worrying about possible Down's syndrome or CF. my youngest is 18 months and I thought I was out of the woods disability wise when those were ruled out : / I suppose I thought it was a non issue compared to "more serious" conditions, It didn't occur to me that children with autism become adults Hmmit's just so sad, why have I never met anyone with such a different life?

I can't imagine what you must've put up with and how long you must've! struggled mary to suffer a couple of nervous breakdowns :( and I so admire your finding space in your life to try to help others in your position. Same for everyone else who has posted on this thread.

I've a million questions so will do some reading

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 05/09/2015 20:37

Sorry if I've mucked up the terminology there.. Perhaps I'm wrong calling asd a disability, I'll find out

Calabrini · 05/09/2015 20:39

OP completely understand how you feel. My 70 year old mother has my brother living with her. He's now 50. He has dominated her life and he has made it very difficult for myself and my other brothers to have a relationship with her. We all understand and know that he has a disability but since my father died five years ago my brother has taken more and more of my mothers life. I don't have any advice, but hope you have the strength to have your own life and happiness.

OnlyHereToday · 05/09/2015 21:09

I was going to mention alcohol and drug addiction issues earlier as a comparison of how you simply cannot help people who do not want to change or be helped but I didn't know if it was an appropriate comparison.

I know some will say you should never give up, and I don't think many do entirely, but I've always thought it's ok to know your limits and continue to live your own life as far as you can.

I don't know, I have hope but I am also realistic, DS1 is very young and already on medication and heavily involved with CAMHs (and excluded from ms school). The interventions and therapies could help in the long run or just be a precursor to a lifetime of social and mental health problems. We already discuss suicide and why people choose it etc, not exactly the parenting I imagined I'd be doing at this age. The violence and aggression and revenge-obsessions have to be seen to be believed but have got a bit better lately thankfully.

I can't be a martyr to it all, I feel for him, I really do, but I cannot devote my life to him solely. I will do what I can, and when I can't do any more and if he can't get or accept help or it just isn't there so be it.

You seem to be saying he will up the ante if you set limits and that setting limits isn't really the issue anyway. That's quite cautionary for me I think, we have tried to meet DS1's needs to the exclusion of all sorts but I am increasingly not doing that. I don't know if it's the right thing to do, I think it is, this is lifelong and I need a break and to pay attention to other people and other things.

I cannot live his life for him and if he is unable or unwilling to choose to live well I can't really do much about that. I want him to feel and be loved though, if only by me, and in order for that to happen I will have to put some limits in place. I wonder how things will look and be in twenty years' time.

OnlyHereToday · 05/09/2015 21:18

I wonder how things are for autistic people in less nuclear and Western environments. I wonder if a more extended family with looser living arrangements helps (excepting any 'shame' and institutionalisation issues of course). But being as I can't engineer that there's no point dwelling on it really. DS1 has always been insistent about having one anchor - usually me but sometimes DP, to the exclusion of everything else but I am trying to extend that. I could achieve it and then it could well all regress anyway, who knows.

Original poster
ladybug201 · 05/09/2015 21:29

Playnicely, please do not worry about the terminology. Your caring words are the point of that post, and I would rather read a post such as yours that is obviously compassionate and heartfelt than a clinical one using the correct terms. Thank you.

Only, you have my sympathy and understanding.

Strangely enough an excellent example of DS and his needs just came about. I received a text 'can you come round, I have done something stupid.' I rang him, said I would NOT be 'coming round' but what was it. It was, as I predicted, nothing. I told him it was nothing, he said ok and good night.

Done,

Had I told DS that he couldn't contact me on Saturday nights I can promise you that by Sunday that non event would have reached mammoth and catastrophic proportions. DS lacks any perspective.

I explain that just to put forward a practical example of the sorts of things I mean. I can deal with DS quite well but as I've said, it's the take, take, take nature of our relationship and it isn't even his fault.

OP posts:
Kleinzeit · 05/09/2015 21:35

in all probability he will either die young or he will live a long, lonely and troubled life.

Oh ladybug, that must be heartbreaking for you. For me at least it’s easier to feel annoyed and frustrated with my DS than to feel simply disappointed and heartbroken.

Honestly you sound anything but cold.

FantasticButtocks · 05/09/2015 21:52

Thanks Don't even know what to say to you... Just wanted to send you my best wishes and say that it sounds like you've been doing a fantastic job for a very long time.

bialystockandbloom · 05/09/2015 22:17

I actually don't think it's that uncommon for parents (mothers?) to feel disappointed, frustrated, or sad about their adult children, and may not actually like them, whether nt or not. I know a good few of my mum's friends who feel this way about their children who are in their 30s or 40s. It's just a bit of a taboo to open up about it publicly isn't it.

I also know that even in my case, with a son who is only 8yo and gorgeous, that I have had times when I have been so frigging bored listening to the same thing again and again and again, and having fleeting moments of just wishing he would just shut up. Immediately followed by the most horrific guilt, and sadness that if even his own mother feels that what hope does he have of finding someone who'll love him when he's an adult Sad

It's like a kind of pnd, feeling (even if just once in 8 years) that though you love your child with every cell in your body, you don't always enjoy their company or like them Sad It doesn't mean you don't still devote your life to them, as you're their mum and you love them, and you won't give up, and that's what you do, but there's nothing unnatural imo to feel fucking hard done by at times that this shit happened to you, and them.

OnlyHereToday · 05/09/2015 22:29

Maybe mindfulness is the way forward then, accept it, do the things you have to do and then try and forget about it and focus on something else. Don't know.

I prompt for please and thank you not because I'm especially concerned about manners but because otherwise the unrelenting demands seem worse. I even drill 'you're the best mum in the world' mostly because it makes me smile whether he says it willingly or through gritted teeth or just to gain something!

FlowersAndShit · 05/09/2015 22:49

This thread is so depressing Sad. I was diagnosed at 16 with very mild pdd-nos which is somewhere on the spectrum. I've struggled for years and I'm 24 now and I still struggle with simple things, I won't go anywhere without someone else, usually my mum. I have done a degree with the OU, but I have no friends, never worked. I wish I could be normal.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 05/09/2015 22:57

bialystockandbloom can you imagine feeling like that all the time... There is a post back a way from op along the lines of she endures rather than enjoys his company.. I, for one am going to tune down the nagging and count myself lucky that I have children who, like most little ones, are naturally willing to please, at least sometimes

The part that isn't present parenting NT children is concern about lifelong loneliness/sadness and how they will cope alone in the world