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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel as if I hate having the son that was given to me

369 replies

ladybug201 · 04/09/2015 17:28

Unsure how to phrase that. Obviously don't hate DS.

He is an adult, with autism/ASD. Never had a "proper" job. Lots of studying, lots of short term jobs. Came round asking for money. As nice as could be - always is, DS isn't horrible.

But he's not interested in anything that doesn't affect him. Doesn't ask after me. His sister started a new job today - she says the same, doesn't ask after her, just drones on about his own life and to be honest it's nothing we've not heard a thousand times before. How many times can you say oh, that's nice, great, fantastic.

I don't know. I wish I had a son who didn't have this condition.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladybug201 · 05/09/2015 13:31

I have done everything I can, but the truth is that - and this is why I have welcomed the support here so much - you can't just step back. Because he won't let me.

OP posts:
Badders123 · 05/09/2015 13:38

How can he stop you if you make yourself unavailable?
Sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but seriously, if you went on holiday and said "sorry no phone or Internet connection where I am" what would he do?
Would could he do?
Would he then go to his sister?

Kleinzeit · 05/09/2015 13:41

I hear you. And I'm really sorry, didn't mean to imply you weren't aware your DS was disabled. So hard when he's kind-of in denial about it and yet so dependent Flowers

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 05/09/2015 13:46

Agree with badders I don't think anyone Could have done more. This is not expected when you give birth.

I'd also like to ask; what do you predict will happen if you theoretically "stepped back"? Where do you envisage his life going were it not for you acting as an unpaid carer?

Badders123 · 05/09/2015 13:48

Interestingly in my dhs cousins case, her whole family were in total denial about her difficulties, even when they were blindingly obvious to everyone else. "She'll catch up" was something I heard a LOT.
Her facial appearance is....unusual...you would know just by looking at her that she has some sn, which of course isnt the case with asd and autism.
It wasn't until she got older that they were forced to accept she would never live independently and they have got a care package in place but it's hard...she makes everyone who is placed with her in the house leave. She really can be vile :(
Her siblings have moved far away...to another country in one case...and her mother cannot just leave the carers to it. She is still far too involved. (Easy for me to say, I know) It's very hard for all concerned :(

mylifetoo · 05/09/2015 14:22

Hi op - to go back to your thread title - I have watched the CBBC programme 'Topsy and Tim' and ended up in tears.

I so wished that my children were like that - 'normal' if you like.

My DC all have ASC, ODD, ADHD in varying degrees. All high Fuctioning, but that can be worse sometimes, in that they just look like unruly brats when we are out.

What must it be like to have pleasant, compliant children?

Then I feel guilty for wishing my children were totally different to they way they actually are.

NatalieMc82 · 05/09/2015 14:41

Huge huge sympathy OP.
I cannot understand what you are going through because I have never walked in your shoes. But I have a friend with an SEN son and I admire her so much for what she deals with, and it is becoming harder and harder for her as he reaches adulthood. I'm sure sometimes she feels the same way you do.
No judgment. YANBU. You are amazing. You have dealt with an incredibly difficult situation for my entire lifetime.
No advice, just (((hugs))) xx.

SmugairleRoin · 05/09/2015 15:07

Huge sympathy op, I have a brother with Aspergers who lives at home as an adult. At times he can be lovely and have a great sense of humour but he is violent, verbally and physically abusive and manipulative towards my parents, and unhappy himself as well. We have a team working with him but it often seems like it's one step forward, two steps back.

There is no easy answer. I often wish he was born neurotypical but then...I suppose he wouldn't be himself!

Keep hanging on in there, you sound like a great mum Flowers

LeChien · 05/09/2015 15:09

I nearly started a thread yesterday after nearly bursting into tears in Morrison's yesterday.
I was shopping with ds2 (ASD) and saw other parents shopping with their children, who were walking along (ds was running and doing knee skids) and helping their parents find things.
At the checkout I had to hold ds and put up with him swearing at me whilst the lady on the checkout rolled her eyes at me. He looks like a normal 10 yr old boy whose mother has zero control.
Ds2 is high functioning, no-one at school can see a thing.
OP I think you started the thread to vent, I understand, we all need to vent sometimes Thanks

sanfairyanne · 05/09/2015 15:12
Flowers It is hard and there are no easy answers. We are suffering too. Hfa is hard because they 'present' so well - at first - and so the help they really need is not forthcoming. Plus they are in denial. It is sometimes like being sucked dry :( Flowers
NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/09/2015 15:34

How can he stop you if you make yourself unavailable?
Sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but seriously, if you went on holiday and said "sorry no phone or Internet connection where I am" what would he do?
Would could he do?
Would he then go to his sister?

If the op's son is anything like mine. Despite him having capacity to make his own choices and decisions, if I stepped back and did not do the tiny amount I can get away with imposing on him he would be dead inside of a year. That is not being dramatic it is just the way it is. If he was lucky enough to have someone notice his condition and act on it, he may reach the criteria for statutory intervention but it is unlikely he would ever recover from that.

IsItMeOr · 05/09/2015 16:10

lady I have realised that I strongly want to help you solve this problem.

However, it sounds like you want a safe place to let off some steam and feel understood.

The situation sounds impossible and heartbreaking, and you have obviously given all that you possibly could.

If you would like us to try to think of ideas for anything specific that might help, do say, but otherwise, please know that your deep love and understandable sadness for your DS's unhappiness is very obvious.

Maryz · 05/09/2015 16:11

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz · 05/09/2015 16:15

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Original poster
ladybug201 · 05/09/2015 16:18

Maryz

Thank you. Your first paragraph on 16:11 sums things up.

I wish I could try to explain, to those who are still insisting that my DS needs a mentor, a carer, a buddy (he would not accept these things and to be entirely candid I would struggle to afford one anyway) but the point is I can do the physical parts if needed.

It's the emotional stuff that's a drain.

How does one make oneself unavailable? Hide with the lights out? Stay in hotels overnight? Switch ones phone off? Give DS a separate phone and phone number? How?

You can't. Not when its your child.

OP posts:
Maryz · 05/09/2015 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ladybug201 · 05/09/2015 16:30

Wry smile - like DS has ever listened to rules :)

OP posts:
Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 05/09/2015 16:45

Mary what a fab attitude you've got.. Must've been a push to leave, but having little ones aswell it's surely the only thing to do. And since you have to do it, there is little point in beating yourself up. I hope he wasn't badly injured when you came home?

sockamnesty that must be terrifying and so draining, everyone needs a break.. How old is your child? Do you get respite? I cant get my head around the fact that there is no "release date" at 18 where you are independent again. I hope you aren't on your own like op

DixieNormas · 05/09/2015 16:47

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Badders123 · 05/09/2015 16:51

I agree with maryz...you can do it. Small steps. Initiate small changes over time. I wonder if - and I say this gently - you dont want to try? You are worried it will make things even worse than they are now? That's understandable.
Mary...you are spot on and I'm very glad you are going away again. I hope your son copes better this time (and if he doesn't its not your fault)
I don't think a mentor or visitor is the answer either. It's you that needs help to navigate this extremely difficult situation.
X

Original poster
ladybug201 · 05/09/2015 16:53

It isn't about not wanting to retry but very genuinely, short of moving house/changing my phone no, I can't stop him contacting me and nor will it change the fundamental fact that when I do see him, I feel bored, irritated and wish he would go.

That's going to happen whether I see him at three o clock or six o clock.

OP posts:
Badders123 · 05/09/2015 16:54

Would any of Mary's tips work?
If you saw him less would he irritate you less? (Or at least less quickly!)

IsItMeOr · 05/09/2015 16:55

Yes Mary I can understand what you are saying.

Sometimes I hide in the toilet...

Maryz · 05/09/2015 16:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ladybug201 · 05/09/2015 16:58

I do feel sucked dry but I also know that's little to do with the times of the day (that's just my observation.) I have and do tell DS at times it's not convenient, it's a bad time and so on, but really, if my phone rang and it was him and I didn't answer I'd be so anxious about what the matter wa sit would be counter productive. At any rate, he doesn't telephone - tends to text with the ominous, 'can I come around'!

OP posts: