To feel as if I hate having the son that was given to me

[ladybug201]

Unsure how to phrase that. Obviously don't hate DS.

He is an adult, with autism/ASD. Never had a "proper" job. Lots of studying, lots of short term jobs. Came round asking for money. As nice as could be - always is, DS isn't horrible.

But he's not interested in anything that doesn't affect him. Doesn't ask after me. His sister started a new job today - she says the same, doesn't ask after her, just drones on about his own life and to be honest it's nothing we've not heard a thousand times before. How many times can you say oh, that's nice, great, fantastic.

I don't know. I wish I had a son who didn't have this condition.

lady you really do sound like you need some down time.

Could you book an overnight stay in a premier inn and turn your phone off?

Or something smaller than that - maybe turn your phone off at home for an hour or two?

Oh, and to the poster who said she cried at topsy and Tim....believe me, they aren't normal children!
My DC have spent today moaning about doing their homework, fighting and refusing tho eat their dinner.
That is what "normal" DC do!
And don't get me started on their weird parents!
Please don't let that stupid programme make you feel bad x

X-post.

Okay, so it's your reaction to the fact that he is trying to reach you that is the problem that I think Mary and others are trying to say that you might be able to change.

What I mean by it just being my observation is that I recognise others find it helpful to put boundaries in place but I personally wouldn't, which doesn't mean I don't appreciate both the suggestion and the sentiment behind it.

Really - I can deal with and cope with DS and even manage to have a sense of humour about it, although this won't have translated through this thread. But the problem is I feel so very alone with him and the fact few people can understand or empathise when I do get frustrated excacerbates this which is why I'm so grateful for this 'safe place' - it's been enormously therapeutic!

I agree with Maryz - and it's what I said earlier. Start with one evening (or whatever half a day suits you). Tell him you are not available those hours & go out, turn your phone off. Yes he will probably ring & ring but it's only a short time & he will gradually learn to accept it. Then increase to another block of hours - & repeat until you are getting the time you need.

Yes he will still be hard work the rest of the time. But believe me it does make a difference. My son's behaviour when at home is currently intolerable. I covered in bruises the length of my arms - he even gave me a massive one on my leg this morning. If I had him all the time (I did for a long time) then I would currently be completely none functioning.(it got to the stage where I was - it was allowed to reach crisis before action was taken). However, I now have two nights a week when I don't have him. And that has made a huge difference to the whole family. Those few hours a week mean the rest is bearable. It hasn't made any difference to his behaviour but it has made us able to cope.

I know you won't get official help but you can have time out. Start small - an hour of two initially & be unavailable. You could tell him to use that brain in my pocket app while you're not present. If you can build up to say two evenings/nights a week I suspect you would find the rest of it much easier to deal with. I know that for me, having two nights a week away from it means I cope the rest of the time. It made a huge difference.

Devilish, you're not listening to me. You're insisting that if I do this, or that, I will be so much happier and all will be well. Do you not realise I know myself well by now, if I thought telling DS 'come round after 6' would bring me happiness and peace I would have done it.

I do, frequently, tell DS, 'not now.' My unhappiness doesn't stem from when I see DS but the fact that when I do'see him, he is dirty, unhappy, frustrated and frankly, boring. I can't enjoy his company - it's endured rather than enjoyed.

Cross posted. Can you think of it as training for him? He has to learn to live without you - you're not going to be there forever & those few hours are a first step.

Yes we were on our last reserves when ds1 started his two nights, but another big advantage is that it is preparing him for his future. I see it as training for him as well as a break for us. It helps allay any guilt (not that I felt any really, it was either that or jump off a bridge).

Okay fair enough. I don't enjoy being beaten up but find I can cope with it with a break & can't without.

I wish you peace.

I'm not insisting you do anything btw. Just sharing what has worked for us in terms of dealing with a long term impossible situation. Of course you don't have to have a break if you don't want one.

I would say my coping strategy is the same as maryz's.

Devilish, please, please, will you read what I am writing? I am not saying that snappily, but pleadingly.

This lack of understanding, this 'just do X' from friends, is why I feel so lonely.

I frequently tell DS, no, not now. I am often busy, or tired.

But even if I only see him once a week, it's sad and frustrating and miserably because I look at him and I realise how far from the path of 'normality' he has strayed, and frustrated because I know just a few small changes would be more positive, and guilty, because it isn't his fault, and frustrated/bored as he drones on about something I've heard a hundred times, and overall, just sad.

I've detached - I've had to. I love him but I've gone through the process Maryz describes, but your seemingly, but not really, 'normal' son living in his own filth, not working, not doing much of anything, is something people don't understand or appreciate.

'I wouldn't stand for it from my son'
'Tell him not to'
'Refuse to give him any'
'Tell him to have a wash'
'Tell him not to hassle the waiter'
'Tell him to pick up the phone and ...'

Ah the simplistic world of others!

And nothing will be solved by a DS free Wednesday, if it works for others I am pleased for them but it would make no difference to me. I'm sorry.

I think you have had some really good advice, especially from maryz.
I wish you well x

I'm not telling you to do anything. I don't think you're understsnding what I am trying to say though (which is the same as maryz) so I'll leave it & wish you well.

You seem to be telling me, unless I've read it wrongly, that I need to put into place boundaries whereby DS can only contact me at certain times.

I am trying to explain this would be useless as firstly and most significantly my complaint is not the frequency with which DS contacts me and secondly that such a boundary would be ignored.

I realise for others having in place set days where they don't contact their relative(s) helps them and I respect that but it wouldn't personally help me. I would like it if people would respect that.

I think the problem perhaps Maryz is stemming from people believing I am earlier in the detachment process than I actually am. I have for a long time realised that DS is in need of extensive support, that he will be no source of support to me, that his self esteem is crushingly low and that in all probability he will either die young or he will live a long, lonely and troubled life.

(If anyone thinks the above makes me sound cold, I say again, it's a long process.)

I love him and do what I can but that is very, very little and I cannot fix him or sort things. I focus on my own life, my DD and DGD and listen, nod, enthuse, sympathise, give money and that's it.

It's frustrating, however, dealing with someone so selfish - not even selfish but so entirely focused on themselves. Yesterday for whatever reason was a bad one.

No, 'DS free Wednesdays' - how I wish my sense of sadness could be solved with that but it just can't.

Yes, the same. As I've said, I fully accept that for some time away helps them, but personally I have found that DS becomes more and more demanding if I am unavailable for a period - left alone, he generally contacts moderately frequently.

Plus, he hadn't paid his phone bill so he can only contact me via iMessage :)

I'm sorry if I sounded frustrated but I have felt so lonely with this for years and people just not understanding what it is I'm going through and why it's so draining has hugely contributed to this.

Absolutely - I acknowledged this a couple of pages ago, but I hope people also understand why I asked that it didn't turn into a 'you must do this' thread. My request there was a plea, as I have found the thread so supportive I didn't want it to descend into 'if you are not prepared to turn your phone off on wednesdays you cannot complain.'

Yes, same!

Op you're not a bad mum or a bad person. Life must be and have been incredibly tough for you. I don't know what to suggest other than give yourself a break.