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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel as if I hate having the son that was given to me

369 replies

ladybug201 · 04/09/2015 17:28

Unsure how to phrase that. Obviously don't hate DS.

He is an adult, with autism/ASD. Never had a "proper" job. Lots of studying, lots of short term jobs. Came round asking for money. As nice as could be - always is, DS isn't horrible.

But he's not interested in anything that doesn't affect him. Doesn't ask after me. His sister started a new job today - she says the same, doesn't ask after her, just drones on about his own life and to be honest it's nothing we've not heard a thousand times before. How many times can you say oh, that's nice, great, fantastic.

I don't know. I wish I had a son who didn't have this condition.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/09/2015 18:52

Yanbu OP. It must be very hard. Although just bear in mind that many mothers and their children have difficulties in their relationship for many other reasons as well. It's not all plain sailing for everyone.

hedgehogsdontbite · 04/09/2015 18:56

hedgehogs - go screw yourself! You have NO idea what you are talking about. What a dreadful dreadful thing to say.

Having ASD myself and dealing with a life time of falling short of parental expectations and myself having an adult DD with ASD, I'd say I have more idea than most what it's like to live with.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 04/09/2015 18:58

I'm there with you op. (And bollox to those who don't say we don't give them a chance) I'd give anything not to have him like this. Love the person, hate the condition.

Badders123 · 04/09/2015 18:59

hedgehogs You have asd.
So you have NO idea how the op (who doesn't) feels.
It's not about expectations.
It's about the op feeling sad she can't have a more meaningful relationship with her son.
Get over yourself.

Badders123 · 04/09/2015 19:00

GTAS....the op feels sad about her relationship with her son and in your mind that means she doesn't live him!?
Wow.
Some awful responses.

MrsJorahMormont · 04/09/2015 19:04

hedgehogs with respect you may have more insight into your condition than the OP's son. You don't need me to tell you how broad the spectrum is.

OP Thanks Your feelings are yours to have. I have no doubt you have loved and devoted yourself to your son all his life. It is perfectly normal and natural to feel disappointed when a relationship seems borderline parasitic and we can't walk away from a child / parent relationship in the way we would walk from a self-absorbed partner or friend. Just know that your son is doing his best, however that looks, just as you do your best with him Thanks

Branleuse · 04/09/2015 19:04

Badders, are you implying that autistic people cant have meaningful relationships?? wow. Youre being incredibly disablist by assuming that someone with ASD cannot empathise, and i would say its you that has no idea what youre talking about.

Having a child with ASD obviously means that relationships might be different to how you expected, but it seems like OPs son still visits, still seeks out her company. Its meaningful to him

MrsJorahMormont · 04/09/2015 19:05

(And FWIW I'm constantly amazed by how self-absorbed many people are in general, without even having the 'excuse' of a condition like ASD!)

IloveGTA5 · 04/09/2015 19:07

the op feels sad about her relationship with her son and in your mind that means she doesn't live him!?
I should have been clearer . . . . she doesn't sound like she is feeling LOVE for him just now.

skinoncustard · 04/09/2015 19:08

I have no experience of these conditions , but I do know that parenting can be hard sometimes.

There was many a time in my DD's growing up that ' I loved them ' but ' I didn't like them ' .

I'm sure your not thinking 'thoughts' that many parents think. ( if they are honest)
Flowers best wishes to you and your daughter.

Dawndonnaagain · 04/09/2015 19:12

I have three children with an ASC. Everybody is different. My life is not easy, however, they are all achieving, they are all in relationships and they are generally doing fine. It is fucking hard though. Dd has literally just had to change schools. She went to register at her usual school on and yet again they cocked up big time. She starts somewhere else on Monday because she couldn't face going to a school that makes promises they never keep.

SilverNightFairy · 04/09/2015 19:14

Op, I have a ds living with ASD. Christ, it is difficult, isn't it? My heart usually goes out to him as I watch him try to make his way in a world that, that I think must feel very alien to him. I also though, sometimes, get irritated with this child that just can't seem to understand how other people might react to something he might say or do. I have to remind myself, he is living with a disability that carries all sorts of sensory and developmental issues that he must constantly cope with. ASD is nobody's fault. You certainly have a right to your feelings.

UnbelievableBollocks · 04/09/2015 19:16

My child has ASD. I love him with all my heart, but if I could wish the ASD away I would. Every day.

KanyeWestPresidentForLife · 04/09/2015 19:22

No. YANBU. It's not going to be easy. But to be honest I think the fact you are coming on here to have a vent and talk it through shows a pretty healthy attitude. I think if you were bottling it up and martyring yourself, feeling like you could never acknowledge or discuss your feelings it would be far more destructive in the long run.

Original poster
ladybug201 · 04/09/2015 19:23

No, I'm not grieving the loss of my NT child. I have a NT child. I also - as I said - have been living with this for a long, long, long time.

It drains you. Because it's all take. It doesn't mean to be, but it is.

I love him. You love your own child. But I cannot even begin to describe the shit we have all been through in his lifetime. Unfortunately, DS's actions don't just impact on him. I wish I could take away the hurt he feels as he sits in alone, without a girlfriend - he desperately wants one, but what girl will want a man who doesn't even wear clean clothes? I have to sit and listen to him describe the inherent unfairness of the system when he is dismissed from his job - and provide financially, incidentally - and then listen to the same story for the following three months. Then he focuses on a new venture and he calls me at midnight when I've been at work all day because 'he wanted to run a few things by me'.

He's heartwrenchingly lonely but so am I. His sister moved miles away as she and her young family just couldn't cope with his emotional demands.

ASD is so so difficult and sometimes it makes the person concerned not always hugely likeable, and that's a hard issue to address.

His self esteem is all time low and can I help? Oh, I do try. I buy him new clothes which go unworn, try to go to places together and he doesn't like it. His sister went ice skating with him and paid for both of them to skate for two hours. He wanted to leave after fifteen minutes because it was too cold. He's always been like that - always his way or the highway, but if he makes a mistake and doesn't out on adequate clothing, it's of course everybody else's fault and issue. He trips and falls - little stumble most adults would either be sheepish or laughing about - him - yells and screams and shouts and makes an enormous embarrassing fuss.

People joke about 'can't take you anywhere' but th awful truth is, for DS, you can't.

OP posts:
IloveGTA5 · 04/09/2015 19:23

Absolutely@kanyewest

MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday · 04/09/2015 19:26

My 18 yr old has ASD and learning difficulties. I love him with every breath in me but I still wish it was different. Wish he was different because his life is , and will always be constrained in every way by his disability. He's not high functioning, he's very unlikely to live remotely independently, marry, have a real job.
Instead of seeing him off to independence like his siblings, we have future of looking after him and wondering what will happen one day when we die.

I do think that those who are high enough functioning to have families of their own, have jobs etc are in a very different place to those who aren't. ASD sucks.

HappyBeet86 · 04/09/2015 19:27

This thread sickens me a little.

I have high functioning autism and I'm quite like your son it seems from your op.

After a particularly difficult year I asked my mother if she wished I was born different.

This post has me hoping she wasn't lying when she said no.

Corygal · 04/09/2015 19:30

Well done you for letting it all out, is all I can say.

Have a really good vent and I hope it makes you feel better - of course you need one.

ASD is exhausting for anyone in its orbit and to pretend otherwise is pointless and insulting to all those concerned.

Can you take a break from DS for a couple of weeks? Sounds like you need it, and, contrary to what you might read on this thread, that's more than fine as well.

Devilishpyjamas · 04/09/2015 19:31

Change what you do. My son is severely autistic. He can't manage a restaurant but I know that if we go to a cafe that we will have to leave as soon as he's taken his last mouthful - that's just the way it is. So if we want a relaxed lunch we do it when ds1 isn't here - when we eat with him it's on his terms.

We used to surf together all the time, it was very special tbh but he can't cope with it very well at the moment (beach too busy/too many transitions) - so we moor walk instead. Lots of space, no people & if he can't cope it doesn't matter - he has the space to calm down before we continue.

We have up on 'normal' days out when he was 3 years old. And have been much happier since.

I suspect his anxiety levels are very high. I find thinking in terms of ds1's anxiety helps me deal with his more difficult behaviours.

It is tough. I would get rid of his condition in a second (so would he - he hates being autistic), but it is what it is & acceptance & having 'ds1 things we do' & 'rest of the family things we do' has helped all of us.

Yes at times I mourn (found myself crying as people in his baby group went off to 6th form this week - hit me out of the blue), but he's who he is & none of that stuff really matters (I was sad for him, not me).

Ds1 only had one word (mummy) but we have a little ritual where I say 'who does mummy love? Mummy loves ds1. Who does ds1 love?' And then he says 'mummy'. These things can be taught. Many people with autism feel things very deeply & intensely so I'm sure he does care about you very much even if he can't express it.

IloveGTA5 · 04/09/2015 19:32

ladybug, have you ever sought our professional help? Could you? It might prove very worthwhile for you to have someone to talk to regularly, and in detail, about your feelings and the events in our life. Sounds like you are running on emotional empty now . . . . .and that is very damaging to YOU.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 04/09/2015 19:34

Cannot believe some of the short sighted replies on here!

Is it not obvious that op is posting because she loves her son so much?

No advice as I have little ones op. You have described my ten year old in a restaurant... God knows how I shall feel if he hasn't grown out of it by 13, but I won't be coping as well as you : /

You sound amazing (didn't even get arsey about those brainless replies!)

AnyFucker · 04/09/2015 19:35
Flowers
IloveGTA5 · 04/09/2015 19:35

ooops your life, not our life

Devilishpyjamas · 04/09/2015 19:35

happybeet - ds1 was born different. He regressed. He's made it very clear he hates not being able to talk & he hates not having any independence.

If he was living a life of his choosing I wouldn't give a stuff about his autism. And even with the severity if his condition by far the worst thing is the anxiety. If I could make his anxiety go away (it's become very much worse this year) the rest would be much more livable with (for him)

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