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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wibu? Dragging my son across the room?

317 replies

FuryFowler · 01/09/2015 19:48

My son is 6 and was being a pain at bedtime this evening. I asked him repeatedly to come to bed. I just kept getting an outright no from him as he lay on the sofa. I asked and asked nicely, then I told him, then I shouted at him. Still saying no and basically being rude. I threatened him with dragging him off the sofa to his room, he still refused. So with 2yr old in arms I pulled him off the sofa by his arm and dragged him halfway across the room. I wasn't rough and was going to stop by the doorway in the hope that he would get the message and get up and walk.
I was stopped by my husband who yelled in my face scaring my 2yr old, shouting that "if I ever see you do anything like that again I'll slap you across this room!" He then took both crying kids off me, took them in to the bedroom and closed the door.
I was shocked. I'm now sitting in the car outside not wanting to go back in.
Not sure what to do now? Wibu?..... Tag, I've never dragged him before, he's never been so resistant before and my dh has never yelled like that before Sad

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 02/09/2015 14:29

I know confused, unless you offer sensible constructive advice, don't bother. Yes I have smacked both DC in the past, but not anymore, use I know it's wrong, I lost control and knew it, I have 2 children with SN and we are getting support from outside agencies now so not so alone.

ConfusedInBath · 02/09/2015 14:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spartans · 02/09/2015 14:33

seamagic I suppose it's a difference of opinion.

Personally I think dragging a child off the sofa and across the room to make them do what you want, is as bad as a threat of violence. The OP actually put her hands on the child in an agressive manner, the dh acted in an agressive manner. Both as bad in my book.

As I have said though, the OP has made a mistake and shouldn't be continually beaten over the head with it. It's was a mistake she apologised. The DH has also apologised to her and (I believe) the kids.

You may think it's ok to drag children but I don't agree. I also don't agree with threats of violence, either. Which is why I think they were both to blame.

LobsterQuadrille · 02/09/2015 14:35

For fuck's sake, the OP has already recognised that being physical was not the ideal thing to do in this situation. What more do you want her to do? Jump off a bridge?

Exactly. The sanctimonious, self righteous couple of people on here (happily a minority) who apparently never lose their temper, never act out of character, always discuss fairly and reasonably with one and all - are enough to put "normal" people off posting at all. Shame, as the majority offer reasoned advice and are very helpful.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 02/09/2015 14:49

Spartans what would you do if the child refused and refused to move? No matter what you said? Would you sit there "discussing" it with them all night? I highly doubt it.

I suspect those who think OP was abusive have weirdly acquiescent kids...or no kids!

maybebabybee · 02/09/2015 15:02

IRL I don't know any parents at all who haven't ever, not once, lost their rag with their child and done something that probably wasn't the most ideal thing to have done in that situation.

We're parents. Not fucking saints. Children are trying. We should be allowed to have feelings and express anger. Sometimes we get it wrong. When we do we recognise it, feel badly about it for a bit and then learn from it and move on.

My mum did used to get angry with me sometimes growing up, and shout at me, or pull me along if I refused to move somewhere etc. Sometimes she would cry in front of us. But she was (and is) a fucking fantastic mum. There was never a time, ever, when I haven't felt loved by her.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 02/09/2015 15:06

Maybe I would not even say I'd "lost my rag" when I have in the past forcibly removed one of my DC from a room. I've usually done it firmly and calmly but yes...with pulling.

Gottagetmoving · 02/09/2015 15:10

What about going across to a defiant child and quickly but firmly picking them up to carry them off to bed?
I hope that is not considered 'violent' too because quite frankly I have not got time to discuss/negotiate with a stroppy defiant child when they repeatedly ignore or be rude.

I do think some parents consider anything you do that results in a child getting 'upset' is violent and to be avoided at all costs. Children DO get upset,..we ALL do. It is part of learning how to grow up.

Lweji · 02/09/2015 15:17

At this point it's beyond what the OP did and the answers she's getting. More about how relaxed people are here about pulling children across a floor. And I don't really think you can do it without violence if the child doesn't want to be pulled. Don't kid yourselves.

Has anyone answered the question of how reasonable it would be for a teacher or a nursery worker to do it? If they get children to follow their instructions, and are supposed to, surely we parents can also do it.

maybebabybee · 02/09/2015 15:22

A teacher or nursery worker is not with a child 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It's not comparable to being a parent and the trials and emotions that come with it. You're able to detach yourself more easily as a professional.

Pretty fucking stupid comparison really. I wouldn't have wanted my mum to behave like a teacher or nursery worker to me, and I wouldn't to my own DC. Showing you are a human being with flaws and feelings is part of parenting. IMO.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 02/09/2015 15:22

Gotta in theory that's a good idea but not every can physically do that...

Lweji then what do you do? If your child refuses to move? Simply allow them to sit where they are? For how long?

Aeroflotgirl · 02/09/2015 15:23

Lewji different we are not nursery teachers or nurses, we are parents!!! Yes we are relaxed as we know we are not perfect like op, we make mistakes Learn and move on, we are human. We are supporting op, as many of us have been there. What do you want us to do, hang ourselves, call SS and ask them to take away op kids or ours. SS would not have the resources in that case as every other parent would be on their books.

Gottagetmoving · 02/09/2015 15:33

Gotta in theory that's a good idea but not every can physically do that

Not everyone can, no - but MOST people with children can.

hufflebottom · 02/09/2015 15:40

Lewji get off your high horse and get a grip! The majority of children behave in school or with other people and I'd rather my child was like that.

Op, don't panic about the dragging, my dd gets manhandled to bed when she doesn't go to bed and I have dragged her once and she's fine. I think she complained to my mum who just looked at her and told her she should go to bed when told then.

As for you're dh, he should of been a bit more tactful with what he said and did.

Hope going back to school goes well and your ds is so tired he goes straight to bed.

In the meantime go into the garden have a good scream, draw a line under it as an error in parenting judgement and move on.

Easy to say don't dwell on it, but try not to. It's very unlikely that ds will remember as he gets older (I'm sure my parents did that to me when I was a stubborn cow, but I don't recall it)

PrivatePike · 02/09/2015 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spartans · 02/09/2015 15:48

thehouseonthelane I have already said. I said I would have put the younger one with dh, or asked dh to step in then one of us would have carried the 6 year old upstairs.

I said this early in the thread and again earlier. I wouldn't drag my child across a room. Is there a possibility I may loose my temper and do it, I can't see it myself but we all snap sometimes and make mistakes. I am certainly not having a go at the OP for making a mistake. I just think what she did is on a par with the dhs behaviour.

Both have accepted they were wrong and apologised so it's sorted.

Obs2015 · 02/09/2015 15:49

I love it when the 'perfect parent brigade' get going!!

ceyes03 · 02/09/2015 16:00

Oh, do go away, Lweji. We all know you're the perfect mummy and in your perfect world little darlings must come first and are never disciplined and are never wrong, but your posts are sanctimonious, annoying and extremely fucking boring. Don't you have one of your perfect brood to go and fawn over or something?

The OP was in the right. Her child was being a brat and refusing to go to bed and she acted appropriately. Her child, her discipline, nothing wrong with what she did, and you are extremely tedious.

PrimalLass · 02/09/2015 16:04

step in then one of us would have carried the 6 year old upstairs.

Kicking and screaming? And that's less violent? I couldn't have carried mine at 6.

marmitemofo · 02/09/2015 16:06

Personally I think both OP and her DH were in the wrong. I think one of the problems with this thread (and I'm sorry to go against the grain here but I think Lweji has a point) is the reaction of many posters is "OP lost her temper, we all make mistakes, it's fine" whereas it's "DH lost his temper, he's bang out of order". It's double standards. Feels like because she's a woman and he's a man, it's ok for her to 'lose her temper', but not him? even though she was the one who got physical and he wasn't?

OP for what it's worth, I'm not suggesting you continue to beat yourself up about it. It was a situation that escalated, and you and DH clearly need to discuss some issues, but you've both apologised and that's a good start. But I do feel this thread has become quite blame-y on the DH when you were both at fault, in my opinion.

SeagullSal · 02/09/2015 16:08

If DS is fine it's actually OP I feel worried about after this thread.

OP no one can say what you did was ideal because it wasn't. But o wholeheartedly agree with the sensible posters who gave said it's happened, clearly you're very upset about it and move on with new knowledge.

SeagullSal · 02/09/2015 16:09

Sorry for typos.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/09/2015 16:12

I agree, oh also made a mistake, he dude that exactly slap her across the face, he apologised to her and they will hopefully move on from this.

marmitemofo · 02/09/2015 16:12

also want to add to my previous post - my dad was a serial woman beater and beat my mother and then subsequent GF when my mum finally left him. so I know a bit about being witness to violence as a young child/teenager. From what it sounds like, this is highly unusual behaviour for this family, and I highly doubt that a one off horrible situation would have any long lasting impacts on OPs DS - either her dragging him or seeing one threat of violence. So no need for dramatics about how either OPs or DH's behaviour may have damaged DS (which some posters earlier in the thread seem to have suggested). Kids are pretty resilient, a one off situation won't do any harm (IMO).

Spartans · 02/09/2015 16:14

primal you may think so I dont. That's what I would have done.

The OP didn't say she dragged him because she couldn't lift him, or he was kicking and screaming. She dragged him because she lost her temper.

So all the 'well what if you can't do xyz' doesn't make sense.

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