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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wibu? Dragging my son across the room?

317 replies

FuryFowler · 01/09/2015 19:48

My son is 6 and was being a pain at bedtime this evening. I asked him repeatedly to come to bed. I just kept getting an outright no from him as he lay on the sofa. I asked and asked nicely, then I told him, then I shouted at him. Still saying no and basically being rude. I threatened him with dragging him off the sofa to his room, he still refused. So with 2yr old in arms I pulled him off the sofa by his arm and dragged him halfway across the room. I wasn't rough and was going to stop by the doorway in the hope that he would get the message and get up and walk.
I was stopped by my husband who yelled in my face scaring my 2yr old, shouting that "if I ever see you do anything like that again I'll slap you across this room!" He then took both crying kids off me, took them in to the bedroom and closed the door.
I was shocked. I'm now sitting in the car outside not wanting to go back in.
Not sure what to do now? Wibu?..... Tag, I've never dragged him before, he's never been so resistant before and my dh has never yelled like that before

OP posts:

SeagullSal · 04/09/2015 16:32

What is your job?

Lweji · 04/09/2015 16:45

I'm more worried about some pps here than the op.

I'm not sure people mean the same thing when they say "drag". To drag through the floor by one arm risks several sorts of injuries, and it's degrading. To drag as in grabbing one arm securely but without pressure and being firm while leading the child away is quite different. Also another to pick up the child and take them away if in a rush.
Dragging a child through the floor on a regular basis means something is wrong there.

differentnameforthis · 04/09/2015 17:25

SeagullSal That isn't relevant.

SeagullSal · 04/09/2015 18:44

Of course it is.

These threads really worry me - they send me in to an absolute spin and make me worry about every little thing I do or say to my child.

I have never smacked or dragged or anything like that but I have occasionally yelled.

I do think of a report to authorities was going to be made about a child dragged (that I have seen happen in supermarkets and shopping centres more than once) that there is a reason to fear authorities.

This lady is mortified and worried and it's little wonder. She knows she's done wrong, it sounds like a one off. You'd be duty bound to report her?

SeagullSal · 04/09/2015 18:45

Obviously there are levels of dragging but colloquially it's common speak in our area.

SeagullSal · 04/09/2015 18:45

if a

PrimalLass · 04/09/2015 19:24

differentnameforthis your occupation is on another thread.

SeagullSal · 04/09/2015 19:34

And also OP was really clear she wasn't rough. That to me would say the child wasn't hurt.

Hemmingbird · 04/09/2015 21:29

Oh for God's sake, this has been discussed to death and resolved 2 days ago, why are people still buzzing around it and having a go at the OP?!

Obs2015 · 05/09/2015 09:44

Differentnameforthis reported a parent smacking. And got laughed at. Good. But doesn't it concern you all? That a professional could raise such a 'concern'?

Lweji · 05/09/2015 11:44

But doesn't it concern you all? That a professional could raise such a 'concern'?

Until a child dies and then everybody complains that nobody in their lives did anything.

A professional raises the alarm, it's investigated, it's nothing, fine. Too many children are abused already and nothing is done or reported.

Obs2015 · 05/09/2015 12:37

No, I see this as an issue.
I expect professionals to be professional and reasoned and balanced with their 'concerns'.
The problem is that the law and the guidelines are grey in this area. What one person may consider a 'concern', another may not.
I can't see that this is s good way to run a system.
Smacking is not illegal. Reporting other things which are petty and insignificant are not a good way to run a system.

Obs2015 · 05/09/2015 12:49

If parents are being accused of being abusive over what transpires to be petty insignificant concerns, then yes I see that as a problem.
Children being removed from the parents for months, 6 months, even 3/4 of a year or a year, whilst investigations are carried out.... Parents during this time being told they may permanently lose their children. This does irreparable damage and is Not a system working effectively.

SeagullSal · 05/09/2015 14:21

I agree - it would break me as a person.

SeagullSal · 05/09/2015 14:23

I dare not even imagine what effect it would have on a child.

Lweji · 05/09/2015 14:35

Reporting what could be an issue is not necessarily accusing.
It may well alert the parent that what they are doing is not good and seek support.
Or it could be a one off.
Or it could uncover bigger things.

Children are not removed just because a teacher reported one event. Only if there are serious concerns.

What system do you think is best to protect children from parental abuse?

(I might mention that I have told my son that if at any time I lose it and he feels I'm treating him badly he should report me. There is a background to this, with his dad and dv. )

Original poster

FuryFowler · 05/09/2015 22:21

Hi, back from a lovely weekend away with my family, including my ds who loves me and is very very safe with me.

I thought this thread was over but I realised that differentnameforthis has decided to comment..... I was taking in all of what you were saying differentname all the while thinking has she read the thread? Otherwise she'd have realised that I have taken full responsibility for my actions. I then also stopped reading your replies once you admitted smacking your toddler. Quite frankly will not take advice from a hypocrite.
I may have dragged my son, but I didn't hurt him. Smacking my not be seen as an offence by ss , but it fucking hurts when you're smacked, whether it leaves a mark or not.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 05/09/2015 22:36

I realise the thread has moved on. But I think you both had your buttons pushed and reacted totally unreasonably, yes, but ultimately emotionally - before having time to engage the brain kind of thing. Sounds like you then both pulled it back, which is absolutely the key. This is not an abusive situation. I know exactly that feeling of desperation/recklessness that 6yos can sometimes cause. They just are too bloody big to have tantrums and yet they occasionally do

Don't beat yourself up. The incident is over and you've all apologised and can move on. Parents can act rashly at times too and it's okay for children to see that you can take responsibility for your actions and apologise.

Needinghelp1 · 05/09/2015 23:19

If there was a little clappy emoticon I'd now do it. It's hard enough being a parent. Glad you're all well as a family OP.

Zillie77 · 06/09/2015 02:46

It can be very difficult to remain calm when children are being difficult, especially at the end of a long day. That is when I find I have to call upon my best and most patient self, to keep myself composed!

I might have handed the two year old off to his Dad and then asked the six year old if he would like to be carried to bed. Although if he still said no I wouldn't pick him up without his permission. Any manhandling of children, except for safety purposes, like yanking them away from traffic, is strictly verboten in our house.

That is not to say that I have not felt the urge to manhandle them, I just don't allow myself to do it. Parenting is wonderful and difficult, isn't it?

Zillie77 · 06/09/2015 02:53

Woops! I am always late to the game with these threads. Sorry.

differentnameforthis · 06/09/2015 10:31

PrimalLass I know. It doesn't bother me at all that is is there, I just didn't need to post what is was in order to justify why I would have to make a report, which is why SeagullSal was asking me.

differentnameforthis · 06/09/2015 10:42

Obs2015 Not literally laughed at, but you know what I mean.

It was in the early days of my job, better safe than sorry, hey? Like I said (and stand by) I'd rather over-report, than not at all & miss something. I report to an agency that is tasked with looking after children & their welfare. They are the buffer, so if someone reports something as I did, then they can say "ok, this isn't report worthy" and no case will be opened. And in future I know not to do that again.

FWIW, without screams of drip feeding, it wasn't what I considered normal "smacking" that I reported. That, along with that the parent told me re the circumstances surrounding it, concerned me greatly. The aganecy didn't think it was anything.

If she has said "I smacked little Tommy's bum because he hit his sister" it never would have crossed my mind to report it.

At least I know that I did something! When the other of you here (who have said I over reacted or are 'scared' of people like me), are holding the responsibility that I am holding, believe me, you will do what you have to do to know you acted. I have actually considered quitting what I do because I had to make a report recently that greatly upset me.

And dragging doesn't hurt? Really??

differentnameforthis · 06/09/2015 10:45

OH & would any one of you accept a dh/partner dragging his wife off a sofa & across a floor?

Original poster

FuryFowler · 06/09/2015 10:58

I didn't hurt my son.

OP posts:

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