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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wibu? Dragging my son across the room?

317 replies

FuryFowler · 01/09/2015 19:48

My son is 6 and was being a pain at bedtime this evening. I asked him repeatedly to come to bed. I just kept getting an outright no from him as he lay on the sofa. I asked and asked nicely, then I told him, then I shouted at him. Still saying no and basically being rude. I threatened him with dragging him off the sofa to his room, he still refused. So with 2yr old in arms I pulled him off the sofa by his arm and dragged him halfway across the room. I wasn't rough and was going to stop by the doorway in the hope that he would get the message and get up and walk.
I was stopped by my husband who yelled in my face scaring my 2yr old, shouting that "if I ever see you do anything like that again I'll slap you across this room!" He then took both crying kids off me, took them in to the bedroom and closed the door.
I was shocked. I'm now sitting in the car outside not wanting to go back in.
Not sure what to do now? Wibu?..... Tag, I've never dragged him before, he's never been so resistant before and my dh has never yelled like that before

OP posts:

Hellocampers · 01/09/2015 20:08

Oh op poor you I bet you feel terrible.

Right your 6 year old had no right to ignore you and the fact that your dh spoke so violently to you makes me shudder. Both at his words but also that his treatment of you may be rubbing off into his son causing him to treat you with contempt. Obviously that's a worry and not in any way an accusation as I have no idea.

It is never ever acceptable for a child to repeatedly ignore you unless the child has a special need or is in pain.

It's so hard to judge from just this incident as maybe both you and your dh are tired/stressed and both acted badly but my opinion his words were far worse than your actions by the way.

Your son will be fine. If he had a shock then at 6 it won't do him any harm. Teach him he needs to obey mum.( My dss and dds are grown up and fine btw and yes I lost it too occasionally and it's not the end of the world for children to realise their actions have sometimes difficult concequences)

You need to cut yourself some slack
And then tell your dh he was just as out of order to talk to you like that.

Then get him to do the bed times for a while.

googoodolly · 01/09/2015 20:09

So, he watched you drag DS halfway across the room before thinking he should stop you? Then he yelled in your face?

Sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other. You could have given the 2yo to DH or asked him to deal with the 6yo.

You both behaved badly.

msgrinch · 01/09/2015 20:10

yabvu. I'd react exactly how your husband did if my dp was dragging our child across the floor! He was probably so shocked that the mother of his children could act like that and reacted out of shock.

Children of this age push the boundaries, parent them properly by setting consequences for their behaviour! You don't drag a small child across the floor because you've lost your rag.

Hellocampers · 01/09/2015 20:10

Yes Goblin agree. Me and dh always presented a united front even if we disagreed in private.

Otherwise you are bloody stuffed when they are teens.

Spartans · 01/09/2015 20:11

In that case, he should have helped firstly, unless he didn't want to step on your toes and take over. I don't like it when dh steps in while I am dealing with the kids when misbehaving. He probably should have offered to take the younger one. Or you should have asked him to take the younger one, or help.

Still both of you bu, in that regard. You need to sit down and work out a strategy for future. You have accepted ywbu, so say that. But also work on a plan to resolve this and explain how his words made you feel.

You both need to figure out how to avoid this in future

Original poster

FuryFowler · 01/09/2015 20:13

Thank you for replies. Mn is a bit like therapy!

I know I was wrong and I am very shocked in myself for reacting this way. I'm not entirely sure why I did. I think I was just shocked at my ds defiance and felt out of my depth all of a sudden as he's never behaved like that before.
We are a generally happy, chilled out family

OP posts:

Hellocampers · 01/09/2015 20:14

Jesus Christ! Some posters are obviousoy Mary poppins. Practically perfect in every way.

Yes op lost her temper. She didn't beat her ds with a club she dragged him off the sofa. Not good but seriously not the end of the world.

Boardingblues · 01/09/2015 20:14

Blimey! I disagree with most of the posters on here! I don't think you were unreasonable. You told the child what would happen and then had to follow through…. My son had a knack of making himself really heavy so that I could not pick him up! Your DH on the other hand threatened physical violence and undermined you and presumably your DS heard that!

Original poster

FuryFowler · 01/09/2015 20:14

My son is going in to yr1 in sept. I wonder if we are all getting to the end of our tether at the end of the holidays?

OP posts:

CruCru · 01/09/2015 20:14

OP, you have my sympathy. God knows I've done things like that. It's rarely the big things that provoke an extreme reaction but a cumulative effect of lots of small acts of naughtiness.

Honestly? I would tell your husband that you now feel unsafe around him. He has to support you, not threaten you.

YouMakeMyDreams · 01/09/2015 20:15

I actually think there is dragging and there is dragging. Have none of you literally never had to hold onto a child and pull them while they are dragging their feet? I don't get the impression that the op grabbed him and dragged him on his back towards the door the impression I got was that he was being pulled along on his feet with him possibly resisting against her a bit. This is something I have done in certain situations for eg. The green Man comes at a crossing dc's stopping about something I just grab their hand and go.

If she was dragging him kicking and screaming I can understand her dh getting angry but never the threat is never ok. But it appears he sat on his arse while the op struggled with two children and when her ds wouldn't move physically moved him. What was the alternative ok ds you stay there? And where does that get anyone?

CrapBag · 01/09/2015 20:16

A better strategy would have been to out the 2 year old down (not sure why you still held on to them) and picked up your son and took him. I've done it, although DS is heavy so it may have looked like dragging but I had him under both arms and carried him up, he would give up half way a day strop off the rest. Pulling anyone by an arm could really hurt them.

Your DH threatening with such violence is really unforgiveable and completely negates his point. He cannot get on his high horse about what you did by threatening such violence to the mother of his children in front of them.

I don't think it would ever ever occur to my DH to threaten to hit me. Ever. Your DH doesn't come out smelling of roses. Ok what you did was wrong and you obviously know that. Unfortunately there are times when our children test us and push us to the limits and no one can say they may have done something that they aren't proud of.

DotForShort · 01/09/2015 20:16

Yes, YWBU. As was your DH.

I do understand that situations like that can escalate quickly and we find ourselves doing and saying things that shock us. I was going to ask whether your household is generally tense and full of conflict, but I see that you have preempted that question. So it sounds as though it was a one-off in a typically calm family.

I would say apologies all around are in order. DS to you for misbehaving, you to DS for dragging him, DH to you for his threatening words. And when you offer your apology to DS, definitely don't say anything like "But if you had listened the first time, I wouldn't have had to drag you out of the room." It doesn't matter how stubborn or irritating he was being, you were in the wrong and should apologise unreservedly.

Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day for all of you.

Spartans · 01/09/2015 20:17

If this is out of character for both of you, you really need to sit and talk about it.

It's not a situation that's unfixable

chickenfuckingpox · 01/09/2015 20:19

he should have helped when you were being defied saying that i have unwillingly dragged my six year old he was walking to bed normally (protesting) and then did the defiance drop i had two choices let him drop totally and smash his head off a wall or drag him to a safe position in the room (and i had a one nearly two year old in my arms at the time) it doesn't make me feel better the fact that i had no real choice but to drag him. you had a choice you chose wrong you need to apologise to your son

Hellocampers · 01/09/2015 20:20

Fury you have just described the vast majority of families in the world right there.

I remember my dh going toe toe with our 15 year old ds as he had been rude to me and informing him that noone speaks to hello like that He apologised. He's now going to be a dad himself at 26.

Have a glass with dh and both understand that kids press buttons and the worlds most calm chilled families are sometimes tested to the limits.

Spartans · 01/09/2015 20:20

Oh and yes...my kids are going back to school tomorrow and defintley ready for it. They are bored at home and misbehaving more than usual.

Whatamuckingfuddle · 01/09/2015 20:20

Your son will be fine, we all lose it occasionally, I've probably done similar myself, hope it all calms down quickly and you have a good chat with your husband, you were both wrong but you're both human - if it happens again for either of you, it's time to get help but it sounds like you were both shocked at the situation and acted out of character, talk about how to deal with your son together in the future and go inside and warm up

Original poster

FuryFowler · 01/09/2015 20:21

Thanks youmake but I'm afraid to say I dragged him off the sofa and along the floor. I didn't hurt him though, i was never intending to hurt him.

OP posts:

MaddyinaPaddy · 01/09/2015 20:22

Never ever drag or swing a child by one arm.Their elbows dislocate really easily. If you really have no choice pull pm both as equally.but I don't understand why you couldn't put the two year old down
He has legs I presume

msgrinch · 01/09/2015 20:26

Sorry op, my comment was too harsh. The whole dragging thing just scares me as I'm hypermobile and the time my step dad dragged me up the stairs dislocated my shoulder. I hope you and your dh can work out a plan together to deal with your ds boundary pushing.

NullaBore · 01/09/2015 20:26

OP l think if my dh ever spoke to me like that I'd leave the fucking bastard.

He just sat there watching this and that was his only contribution?

Supermanspants · 01/09/2015 20:26

Christ.... Ive done it when trying to deal with twins who were tired, misbehaving, refusing to do as I asked, I was knackered blah blah blah. No of course it isn't ideal but I am sure most of us have lost the plot at some point. Some posters are probably a bit chilly up there on perfect parent plateau

Your DH, on the other hand, it more of a concern. I think you need to have a serious discussion about his reaction.

BeautifulBatman · 01/09/2015 20:27

I'm with boardingblues here. OP, seriously, don't beat yourself up. Your dh on the other hand was being VVVU. Go back in the house and tell him so!

Original poster

FuryFowler · 01/09/2015 20:29

Well I'm back home. Dh and I have apologised to eachother. He explained that seeing ds being dragged brought back experiences he had as a child. His dad used to beat him up.
Anyway, we have both apologised. Dc are asleep so I'll apologise to them in the morn x

OP posts:

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