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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wibu? Dragging my son across the room?

317 replies

FuryFowler · 01/09/2015 19:48

My son is 6 and was being a pain at bedtime this evening. I asked him repeatedly to come to bed. I just kept getting an outright no from him as he lay on the sofa. I asked and asked nicely, then I told him, then I shouted at him. Still saying no and basically being rude. I threatened him with dragging him off the sofa to his room, he still refused. So with 2yr old in arms I pulled him off the sofa by his arm and dragged him halfway across the room. I wasn't rough and was going to stop by the doorway in the hope that he would get the message and get up and walk.
I was stopped by my husband who yelled in my face scaring my 2yr old, shouting that "if I ever see you do anything like that again I'll slap you across this room!" He then took both crying kids off me, took them in to the bedroom and closed the door.
I was shocked. I'm now sitting in the car outside not wanting to go back in.
Not sure what to do now? Wibu?..... Tag, I've never dragged him before, he's never been so resistant before and my dh has never yelled like that before Sad

OP posts:
Lweji · 02/09/2015 12:44

I highly doubt I need parenting classes due to my ds refusing to go to bed

That's not the reason it was suggested (even earlier in the thread and by someone else). Because of how you responded to his refusing to go to bed and how it all seems to have escalated.

I have actually made suggestions on how to deal with children refusing something. I have had to deal with children refusing to do something. It mostly involves quietly sitting with them and talking to them. Or making up a fun game, or offering a reward, or a choice between doing it or having some form of punishment. Even being dragged, but clearly as part of a game.
Using an assertive voice, instead of pleading, for example.
Most 6 year olds should be old enough to be talked with and respond to reason. If it escalates to defiance, then we are responsible for de-escalating.

IrianofWay · 02/09/2015 12:44

The issue isn't so much with the dragging as the dragging with one arm. I did that to my eldest child once to get him out of the way of a car in a car park and dislocated his elbow. The 2 yr old should have been put down first. But hindsight and all that....

BTW I don't particularly appreciate DH's input when I am dealing with my children - I find it frustrating and undermining. I wouldn't have been happy in that position if DH had stuck his oar in.

Lweji · 02/09/2015 12:44

If your child did not get off the sofa then you had to drag him. How else would you get him to go up?
OMG

SeaMagic · 02/09/2015 12:50

Oh and I also manhandled my two boys into the toilets at McDonalds when both were giddy and mucking around [must be all the sugar and E numbers!] and refusing to settle down to having a wee.

We were in the midst of a long car journey in the pouring rain and I knew that if I didn't make them go then and there we would have got back in the car, in the rain, on the motorway and one or both of them would have suddenly desperately needed the toilet!

So yes, I dragged them into the toilet with a face like thunder as both of them laughed and carried on like little monkeys.

No perfect parenting points for me, oh well.

Spartans · 02/09/2015 12:50

If it was my ds. I would have out the toddler down and carried him to bed.
Neither the OP or the dh thought to do that.

The OP dragged her child off the sofa, the dh threatened voilence. Personally both were wrong. But I don't think he was worse.

The OP isn't a bad person, she made a bad decision... Who hasn't?

Spartans · 02/09/2015 12:54

irian i am the same. Don't like dh getting involved when I am handling it. Does feel like undermining.

SeaMagic · 02/09/2015 13:07

Personally I think screaming in someone's face and threatening to smack them across the room is worse Spartan...

But then I would say that as a habitual child dragger I guess.

LobsterQuadrille · 02/09/2015 13:14

I have actually made suggestions on how to deal with children refusing something. I have had to deal with children refusing to do something. It mostly involves quietly sitting with them and talking to them. Or making up a fun game, or offering a reward, or a choice between doing it or having some form of punishment. Even being dragged, but clearly as part of a game.

The OP's DS is about to start school. He is old enough to understand that rules need to be obeyed. How many teachers have the time to do any of the above if they are defied, in a class of 30? Far better that children understand respect at home.

SeagullSal · 02/09/2015 13:17

Maybe you mean physically moved him rather than drag?

mikado1 · 02/09/2015 13:19

Obvs the op and most agree she was unreasonable but re. using physical force, what do people do with toddlers who won't get into the car when you need to go to work, or who are bouncing on the bed and in danger of hurting themselves? ? I have lifted on these occasions lots of times and would consider myself gentle and would always be calm doing it. For those with bed refuser toddlers I have found 'Will you hop/run/jump to bed? ' works as does parent downstairs trying to 'grab' child as they run upstairs with other parent. I haven't really had a problem in this area so far so can see how at 6 it would be difficult to be faced with. My DSis had it with her 4yo so she left her play happily by herself and after a few nights of this she reverted to her normal bedtime. .

IceBeing · 02/09/2015 13:23

ahh yes all parenting needs to be fundamentally authoritarian because otherwise how will kids deal with authoritarian approaches at school?

Another in the vast list of reasons we won't be sending our kids to school.

It is interesting that it seems more obviously wrong to threaten violence in response to wishing alack of violence when it is two adults...but people seem prepared to smack children to stop them fighting each other....

maybebabybee · 02/09/2015 13:27

You've had a really hard time OP. I actually think what your husband said to you was worse than what you did.

No one is perfect, and a lot of the more sanctimonious posters here might want to remember that. You clearly regret what you did and know it wasn't the best way to handle the situation, but we all lose our rag sometimes.

Chin up and move on Flowers

SeagullSal · 02/09/2015 13:27

Hope the OP is okay.

SeagullSal · 02/09/2015 13:29

I agree with the above poster.

It feels worse than anything when you regret something you've done/way you've acted - especially with DCs who you love more than anything.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/09/2015 14:00

That's is why Mumsnet can be an absolute curse, why I would not vent or pour my heart out in here. What do you want op to do, she recognises what she did was wrong, apologised to ds so move on. No need to give her a kicking when she already down. It is good that she recognised she was wrong, it is worrying and deeply concerning, if she felt she was right to do that, and will do it again, which is nit in this case. Op learn and move on. You sound like a great mum just trying her best like most of us, you recogised you were wrong and will approach it differently. comparing op to DV, and if this were a man you would LtB, what do you want, her children to be taken away from an otherwise loving and caring home. SW gave their hands full investigating serious abuse!

ConfusedInBath · 02/09/2015 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gottagetmoving · 02/09/2015 14:15

Pulling a child across the room without being violent is not going to kill them! Of course it is not the best way to deal with the situation but it is not as horrific under OPs circumstances as some outraged people make out.

You should let a child know when they will be expected to go to bed before they are told to go.
You don't ask either, you let them know what is expected. Prepare them by getting them to put toys away or calm down time, saying time for bed in 10 minutes, and then remind them in five minutes,
If they then kick up a fuss or refuse when it is time, then you don't negotiate or discuss, you just repeat that it is time for bed and if they refuse, pick the child up and take them to bed.
There is far too much pussy footing around with some parents.

Your DH was wrong to threaten you the way he did. You were either far more aggressive with the child than you are admitting and really shocked him, or he totally overreacted.

Lweji · 02/09/2015 14:18

The OP's DS is about to start school. He is old enough to understand that rules need to be obeyed. How many teachers have the time to do any of the above if they are defied, in a class of 30? Far better that children understand respect at home.

So, it will be ok for a teacher to drag a child across the floor?

Not sure how dragging children teaches them anything about respect.

Lweji · 02/09/2015 14:20

Pulling a child across the room without being violent is not going to kill them!

No, but how do you pull a child that doesn't want to move across a room (bar playfully and so, very carefully) without being violent?

And do we want to define our parenting by "not going to kill them"?

ceyes03 · 02/09/2015 14:20

ahh yes all parenting needs to be fundamentally authoritarian because otherwise how will kids deal with authoritarian approaches at school?

Another in the vast list of reasons we won't be sending our kids to school.

Good luck getting your children to get on in the world of work if they can't deal with authority, Ice. Precious much?

Aeroflotgirl · 02/09/2015 14:21

Smile confused your right, that is why I would not air my troubles or parenting mistakes on here, unless you want to feel even worse. There are sensible people on here, but those who will pile on the op when it is clear she is down and remorseful. What use will use will it achieve, but make her feel more shit which is not what her kids need.

Lweji · 02/09/2015 14:22

My child (and nephews) all recognise my authority without me having to be physical with them.

Someone mentioned toddler stage, which is different.

ConfusedInBath · 02/09/2015 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maybebabybee · 02/09/2015 14:27

My child (and nephews) all recognise my authority without me having to be physical with them.

For fuck's sake, the OP has already recognised that being physical was not the ideal thing to do in this situation. What more do you want her to do? Jump off a bridge?

Gottagetmoving · 02/09/2015 14:28

No, but how do you pull a child that doesn't want to move across a room (bar playfully and so, very carefully) without being violent?
And do we want to define our parenting by "not going to kill them"?

I was talking about the incident the OP described. I was not advocating pulling across a room as a way to deal with it.
You CAN pull without being violent,..even when a child resists but it is NOT recommended.
Of course we don't define our parenting as 'Not going to Kill them' - but we should also not define our parenting as 'Falling over backwards to prevent our child ever getting upset'