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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wibu? Dragging my son across the room?

317 replies

FuryFowler · 01/09/2015 19:48

My son is 6 and was being a pain at bedtime this evening. I asked him repeatedly to come to bed. I just kept getting an outright no from him as he lay on the sofa. I asked and asked nicely, then I told him, then I shouted at him. Still saying no and basically being rude. I threatened him with dragging him off the sofa to his room, he still refused. So with 2yr old in arms I pulled him off the sofa by his arm and dragged him halfway across the room. I wasn't rough and was going to stop by the doorway in the hope that he would get the message and get up and walk.
I was stopped by my husband who yelled in my face scaring my 2yr old, shouting that "if I ever see you do anything like that again I'll slap you across this room!" He then took both crying kids off me, took them in to the bedroom and closed the door.
I was shocked. I'm now sitting in the car outside not wanting to go back in.
Not sure what to do now? Wibu?..... Tag, I've never dragged him before, he's never been so resistant before and my dh has never yelled like that before Sad

OP posts:
Mainkster · 02/09/2015 11:19

And As if by illustration......the Locos show up.
Grin

Lweji · 02/09/2015 11:21

Do you have any argument apart from insulting other posters?

sleepyelectricsheep · 02/09/2015 11:27

I'm shocked at posters minimising the DH's threats, especially in front if the DC. It is not acceptable to threaten violence to your partner, ever.

One of the reasons dragging your DC across the ground is not on is it reaches then that force is an accetable solution. So what did the DH think he was doing in threatening violence to stop violence?

Talk about mixed messages! Plus it must be scary to hear one patent threaten another like that.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 02/09/2015 11:28

Yep, completely loco to acknowledge that dragging a child off a sofa and across the floor could injure them Hmm how batty of us.

LobsterQuadrille · 02/09/2015 11:36

Good grief. The OP seems to have support from many but some pretty OTT responses from others. She has hardly defended her position vociferously and she has admitted that she regrets the dragging incident and that it was a one-off.

I had a friend at university whose parents went in for perfect parenting. She was the most spoilt, entitled person that I have ever met. It's not OK to harm your child (and the OP didn't) but it is OK for them to see that you as a parent are human and have your limits, and that you (again as a parent) should be respected and that lack of respect leads to non-violent consequences.

lunar1 · 02/09/2015 11:38

It's easy to ignore people who don't agree with using force with children by calling them smug perfect parents and declare them crazy, it makes it very easy do dismiss anyone who doesn't agree with what happened.

I am by no means a perfect parent, I am pretty strict but would never use any kind of force or violence towards my children. There was enough of that in my childhood.

I really don't understand how people think the dh is worse than the op, neither behaved well but what the op did was worse. What would be so hard about attending a parenting class together. We all make mistakes and that's understandable but the level of minimising by the op is worrying.

SeaMagic · 02/09/2015 11:39

OP YANBU imo.

I have dragged my two DS off the sofa at times when they are being very resistant and won't get up to go to bed or clean their teeth etc. Only after I have asked and asked and asked and finally get fed up.

They are not hurt, do not cry and usually run away laughing after they have wriggled out of my grasp.

I am not sorry for my behaviour as I do not believe I have hurt or traumatised them. FWIW I do not believe in smacking.

To my mind the OPs husband was far far worse with his threat to smack her across the room. That sounds pretty damn aggressive to me whereas pulling a child off the sofa, so long as the child is not distressed or hurting, doesn't seem too bad. I wouldn't use it as a first line of getting a child to do what they are told but don't think OP did going by how she described the situation.

Lweji · 02/09/2015 11:42

As I have said, the threat by the husband is not on, but in response to violence on a child I can't say that I wouldn't have done it. If anything he was acting to defend the child.

And the two things should be separated.

Although the OP has raised her hands to what she did, she (and many on the thread) is also minimising a lot, and one of the main issues I had when I first started posting here was that people were beginning to blame her OH for her initial actions. Definitely not on. She should take full responsibility for her actions.
Otherwise, this will truly be a first time.

sleepyelectricsheep · 02/09/2015 11:44

Aargh! Stupid phone!

I meant to say ...

One of the reasons dragging your DC across the ground is not on, is it teaches them that force is an acceptable solution. So what did the DH think he was doing in threatening violence to stop violence?

Pseudo341 · 02/09/2015 11:47

Frankly I think your DH is way out of line. He sat there not only not helping but watching telly, which is basically undermining your attempts to get your kid to bed, and then threatens you with violence when you struggle to deal with the situation. He should have been on his feet, telly off, demanding your son do as he's told. Does he always leave the parenting to you?

Dragging obviously not your best move but anyone can have a bad moment under pressure and frankly you were in a really difficult situation and made a hasty decision that didn't turn out how you planned. If you'd had the chance to do things over I'd say switch the telly off, politely but firmly inform DH that he's in charge of getting DS upstairs for bed, then get on with sorting 2yo out yourself.

You need to have serious discussion with your DH about backing you up in front of the kids. Rule number one, always present a united front, sort out any disagreements in private.

Whatever anyone else says you have all my sympathy.

CherylTunt · 02/09/2015 11:53

You don't have to be a "perfect parent" to not drag a small child around by a limb

That would be pretty scary and IMO there is something quite dehumanizing about it. My 7yo is a bedtime-refuser and no, there is no way I would ever do that to him. He is a person, not a bag of spuds. It is usually because he is tired or involved with something. I am 36 and stay up far later than I should because I'm tired or watching TV and getting up, brushing teeth and going to bed seems like too much effort, so I get why a child might also drag his feet. Giving plenty of notice helps.

I am not, nor would I ever claim to be, anything close to perfect.

That said, the DH's response was also deplorable and that kind of aggression is never OK especially in front of children.

He needs to step in at times like this and take one of the DC. And both parents need to agree to work for a calmer and more co-operative approach to bedtime.

Lweji · 02/09/2015 11:53

Although I agree that putting children to bed could be a joint responsibility, I don't see how continuing to watch tv and having to tell a child to go to bed when the other parent is saying it actually helps.
In fact, I'd feel that this would be undermining her, as it would require his authority to make them go to bed.

An adult watching tv shouldn't prevent a child going to bed.

I asked before how it would have gone if the OP was alone. Would the child be dragged all the way to the doorstep? What next?

Different strategies are clearly required and patting the OP on the back and shifting blame on to the husband for the OP having to react physically with her child is dangerous.

Original poster
FuryFowler · 02/09/2015 12:06

I have taken responsibility Hmm
I'm not sure what else you expect me to do? Wallow in self pity and apologise to ds every time he walks in to the room? Maybe shower him with treats and gifts as to counterbalance my guilt, which in turn will probably be quite detrimental to his upbringing?

OP posts:
ConfusedInBath · 02/09/2015 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
FuryFowler · 02/09/2015 12:10

He wasn't watching telly.
Also, I have no idea how it would have gone if I was a single parent. I'm not in that situation. I am in a situation were my dh goes away to work 3weeks on 3weeks off. He is currently in his last week of 3off. So I am very used to not having him around and doing everything by myself. But I've never used physical force before and I do feel guilty and hope it never happens again.

OP posts:
ConfusedInBath · 02/09/2015 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 02/09/2015 12:14

Yes, you have. Which is fine.

Mostly I was addressing others shifting your responsibility and your minimising.

I understand it's hard to unravel your actions from your husband's. You have sorted it out between the two. Fine.

What is important is that you understand (and reflect on) which factors in your actions and thought process led you to this and how to avoid them in future.
Personally, I don't see myself having to carry a 6 year old to bed either. So, maybe some parenting classes really could be of help to both.

honkinghaddock · 02/09/2015 12:22

Sometimes you do have to drag a child. Not in the case of the op and probably not for most children. Sometimes though, in some situations (safety not disipline) it is the only thing you can do.

TattyDevine · 02/09/2015 12:27

I've dragged both my children before, though not in an aggressive way if that makes sense.

My son once when he didn't want to go to bed and I said come on and he said no and I grabbed his feet and slid him off the sofa and dragged him to the base of the stairs, slowly because I didn't want him to get carpet burn, he was giggling and thought it was hilarious which made me start laughing and then he got up and went upstairs if I recall correctly.

And I dragged my daughter by the hand at Dubai airport when we had flown 14 hours from Melbourne and she hadn't gone to the toilet once, (yes, 14 hours without weeing) because she is scared of toilets (actually she is scared of extractor fans but that's another thread!) and we were about to get on another long haul flight to London (9 hours) and I figured the better chance was to go at the airport rather than in the aircraft, but she refused. So I was walking her to the toilet, she dropped to the floor in protest, it was a shiny floor so I just kept walking. She was crying a bit due to the scaredness of going to the toilet. I can't physically lift her. I'm not sure what choice I had as cajoling her doesn't work. And I think the "making her do something she doesn't want to do" thing was far worse than being dragged but really she had to go to the toilet. As I can't lift her I'm not sure what else I could have done really, and after travelling already for 14 hours with 2 children I'm not sure anyone else could have really done it any better, though someone will no doubt pop up and tell me what they would have done, which I guarantee would not have worked with my daughter, but whatever

Original poster
FuryFowler · 02/09/2015 12:30

I highly doubt I need parenting classes due to my ds refusing to go to bed Confused

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 02/09/2015 12:32

No, you don't OP.

I'm still waiting for someone to offer a useful solution to how to deal with a child that refuses to move, and is cheeky.

IrianofWay · 02/09/2015 12:33

"So he certainly wasn't expecting it to escalate as quickly as it did."

Yes, that sounds likely. It sounds to me (and maybe to him) as if you lost your temper and that the 'dragging' was done in anger as a punishment. He then (over)reacted but I confess I might also have done so in his place.

honkinghaddock · 02/09/2015 12:35

I had to drag my son out of an activity session a few weeks ago because he had gone into meltdown and was likely to attack other children. As soon as I had got him somewhere quiet he calmed down but that wasn't going to happen till I got him out of there.

Pseudo341 · 02/09/2015 12:38

Sorry, I thought I read on one of the first couple of pages that your DH was watching telly, my mistake. He should have been involved though. On your own, I'd literally walk off and get on with putting the younger one to bed. I've done it with my two on several occasions, in fact if DH is there we'll sometimes both go upstairs with the youngest. Usually my eldest gets bored of being naughty once her audience has left and come up of her own accord.

Anyway, don't beat yourself up over it. It's done. Move on.

Sillybillybonker · 02/09/2015 12:39

If your child did not get off the sofa then you had to drag him. How else would you get him to go up? You can't leave him sitting on the sofa all night. Your husband sounds like a bully and an idiot. I am amazed at people criticising you for this!