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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wibu? Dragging my son across the room?

317 replies

FuryFowler · 01/09/2015 19:48

My son is 6 and was being a pain at bedtime this evening. I asked him repeatedly to come to bed. I just kept getting an outright no from him as he lay on the sofa. I asked and asked nicely, then I told him, then I shouted at him. Still saying no and basically being rude. I threatened him with dragging him off the sofa to his room, he still refused. So with 2yr old in arms I pulled him off the sofa by his arm and dragged him halfway across the room. I wasn't rough and was going to stop by the doorway in the hope that he would get the message and get up and walk.
I was stopped by my husband who yelled in my face scaring my 2yr old, shouting that "if I ever see you do anything like that again I'll slap you across this room!" He then took both crying kids off me, took them in to the bedroom and closed the door.
I was shocked. I'm now sitting in the car outside not wanting to go back in.
Not sure what to do now? Wibu?..... Tag, I've never dragged him before, he's never been so resistant before and my dh has never yelled like that before Sad

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 02/09/2015 09:13

Somehow I don't think op is anywhere near Daniel Pelka or BAby P etc that is abuse and us different from how op handled her reluctant child.

PrimalLass · 02/09/2015 09:17

Lweji I don't think you've said how you would have handled it. Am genuinely interested to know what would work with a child that age refusing to do something, as I am having the same problems with my DD.

Original poster
FuryFowler · 02/09/2015 09:55

Hi, yes ds and and I have said sorry to eachother.
Dh and I are happy and although our marriage isn't perfect, I don't think there is one (except maybe Lwejis), we are happy and we do bring our children up in a calm happy, safe environment.

OP posts:
grapejuicerocks · 02/09/2015 10:00

Put it behind you and move on.

I'm more concerned with dh's behaviour too. If he'd just shouted at her - fair enough, but it's the threatening to slap her that is seriously worrying, and awful and damaging for ds to overhear.

As for ds, if this is the first time he's been openly defiant, then op hadn't experienced it before and didn't know how to react. She's realised it was the wrong approach, but Its good to see she warned him first then followed through. Now she can think through better strategies/consequences and implement those when they are needed.

Not your finest hour op, but you can learn from it. As must dh. His behaviour was worse though.

Original poster
FuryFowler · 02/09/2015 10:00

lweji you have entered the word forcefully there. You are picturing a much worse scene than what actually happened.
I held his hand and pulled him off the sofa, half expecting him to stand up but he didn't. So I kept pulling him across the floor, I got approx 3ft across the floor and was then stopped by dh. I was shocked by dh behaviour as I didn't think I was being rough or forceful. Ds wasn't upset with my actions. But maybe because I was cross, and from an outsiders point (my dh) it looked aggressive.

OP posts:
grapejuicerocks · 02/09/2015 10:03

I also don't think there is such thing as a perfect parent who's never made mistakes. If they think they are, their imperfection is that they are deluded.

lunar1 · 02/09/2015 10:14

I'm so torn on this, I used to get dragged as a child. It was terrifying, I used to wish someone would come along to stop it. I would have loved for someone to come along and scare the shit out of my parent to make it stop if I'm honest.

If dh dragged one of my boys I don't think I'd be the voice of calm either. I think people are being far too harsh on the dh here, at the end of the day he reacted badly but he wasn't the one who hurt anyone.

Lweji · 02/09/2015 10:18

Yes, forcefully. And it sounds like you keep minimising it.

I have dragged my son with his consent as part of play.
Anything else is forcefully.

You were also holding another child in your arms.
I'm sure you can see the risks and if you can see how it looked for your husband, then you should only be mortified at what you did and vow never to happen again.

Original poster
FuryFowler · 02/09/2015 10:22

lweji I am mortified! I'm not minimising it, but I won't be accused of hurting ds when I didn't... lunar?
I have never done anything like that before and I vow never to do it again, I had a moment of lapse due do being overwhelmed.
I'm struggling to understand which part of this you don't understand,, and why you keep replying with comments about how I should feel, when I've already made it clear that I feel that way!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 02/09/2015 10:22

Lunar1 op has explained it more, and I don't think it's like your experiences at all, not like she lifted him by the arm suspended him in the air and da ragged him like that, just pulled by his hand. Fine IMHO, we have all been there. I have lifted and forcefully stepped ds 3.7 into his buggy when he's had a big tantrum outside. Rarely happens, but one of those things being a parent.

lunar1 · 02/09/2015 10:26

I Don't think you can say for sure you didn't hurt your child, children are very il good at telling us what we want to hear. I wonder what replies you would get if you posted that your husband dragged you across the room?

brokenhearted55a · 02/09/2015 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lunar1 · 02/09/2015 10:30

I wasn't lifted in the air either, I was dragged by my hands of sofas and chairs. It probably wasn't too painful but it was terrifying, an adult has so much power and strength and you just don't know what they will do next. If the dh experienced the same I can see exactly why he reacted the way he did. And I'm sorry but there is no was it was as gentle as described when you add in holding a 2 year old at the same time.

grapejuicerocks · 02/09/2015 10:34

Yes, who hasn't had to forcefully bend a small child into his car seat? Reasonable force is sometimes necessary. You can't spend 15 mins persuading a child when light force is possible. Ok it's not ideal. The op knows that and will have thought out better strategies and techniques for next time.

I always found counting 1,2,3 with the threat of a consequence, worked. Don't tell them what the consequence will be in advance as then they choose whether it is worth stopping their behaviour or not. This also means that you aren't forced to think of a consequence on the spot and don't make threats you regret later on. You can take your time to consider an appropriate one.

snakesandbastards · 02/09/2015 10:39

I'm amazed at all the stunningly perfect parents here who have never made a parenting mistake, never a cross word, transcendental connection between parents and children and zen calm!

As you've explained this was out of character for both of you I would just put it down as a learning experience. Your DS will not be emotionally crippled by this one outburst in an otherwise normal upbringing.

You have resolved the issue between yourselves and have grown closer as parents. A short explanation and apology to DS (with a clear explanation that your action was unacceptable as was his ) and just move on.

Original poster
FuryFowler · 02/09/2015 10:45

lunar I know 100% that he wasn't hurt. My ds trusts me and is safe with me, I dragged him, which was wrong of me to do but I would never drag him in a way that would hurt him. Anyway, if he is hurt he will certainly let me and everyone else around him know!.... He's not some child out of an nspcc advert who is too afraid to let his feelings out.
He is a secure, loved child who doesn't have a perfect parent!

OP posts:
snakesandbastards · 02/09/2015 10:47

Don't worry, there are very few 'perfect' parents out there. We just do the best we can and love our children to the ends of the earth.

ceyes03 · 02/09/2015 10:50

OP, ignore Lweji, she's a massive drama queen, just look at her other posts.

While I don't think what you did was awful and sometimes kids need to be shown who's boss, I'm curious as to why you just didn't put your 2 year old down?

Mainkster · 02/09/2015 10:54

Oh don't get all bent out of shape, I think you were pulling your son and it got a bit out of hand. You obviously weren't thinking it all through as you still had a 2yo in your arms.
I've seen super nanny pull a child, some of the women on her as so hysterical and over react, I've seen comments that suggest you were Clare to tearing the child's arms from his torso.
Now, your husband watching and then Intervening to assault you is far worse, much more likely to be damaging than you having a minor set too with your 6yo.
I'd wait until kids are in bed and you are calmer and then discuss with him that his behaviour is grossly unacceptable and must not be repeated.

Original poster
FuryFowler · 02/09/2015 10:55

Both dc sleep together, in the same bed, at the same time.
I said to ds it was time for bed, as I said it I pick dd up as I just expected ds to follow. But he didn't. So with dd still in arms I lost my cool. It didn't occur to me to put dd down as I was again expecting ds to just stand up and walk once I'd dragged him off the sofa, but he didn't :/
It's pretty difficult to drag a heavy 6yr old forcefully when holding on to another child, so I knew I wasn't going to hurt him.

OP posts:
Original poster
FuryFowler · 02/09/2015 10:58

Yes, I've seen super nanny and my natural parenting style if so far away from hers that I really don't like her. She is very forceful with some children. The 3day nanny grabbed a child the other week by his shoulders and forcibly moved him to stand next to a wall. This imo was worse than what I did last night, which is why my dh reaction shocked me so much!

OP posts:
Mainkster · 02/09/2015 11:03

I'm not advocating super nanny love ,must pinging out that we see this on TV so I'm not sure why some people are reacting as if you are attacking your son with a truncheon.
I'm sure he's fine, don't fret.
I'd still be telling husband that a repeat will not be tolerated.
But it's your marriage, so you know what the balance is.
I'd never ask for this advice on here, I mean, most of these people are loco. :)

Original poster
FuryFowler · 02/09/2015 11:14

Yeah it was a weird place to post this tbf main I guess I just wanted to see what it's like in other families.
Do people occasionally lose it with their loved ones. Not in a violently beating up kind of way, but yes forcing in to car seats, dragging off sofas, yelling etc.

OP posts:
Lweji · 02/09/2015 11:15

Can any of you picture being dragged off the sofa by one arm and dragged across the carpet by someone double your size?

This. There would be chorus of LTB.

But carry on excusing yourselves.

I'm the drama queen. Good luck with your children.

From the OP
"I threatened him with dragging him off the sofa to his room, he still refused. So with 2yr old in arms I pulled him off the sofa by his arm and dragged him halfway across the room. I wasn't rough and was going to stop by the doorway in the hope that he would get the message and get up and walk."

A bit different from 3 feet, unless you have a very small room.

I'd rather be a drama queen. But my son has never been dragged by his arm in rage.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 02/09/2015 11:17

Christ, I was full of sympathy for you OP, until I read that by 'dragged' you mean quite literally dragged him across the floor. My DF did that to me once (I was being bullied at school and point blank refused to go in) and it did scare me. DM went mad at him. No threats admittedly but he certainly knew not to do it again. You could very easily have injured your DS.