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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not want to be faced with 'what did you do all day?' every day

327 replies

Iamatotalandutteridiot · 01/09/2015 19:17

just faced it again tonight

He is currently cleaning the glass 'because it is streaky' (Note: no finger prints, so I have obviously cleaned it... just streaky)

I have entertained 3 kids today - on the last week of their holidays. I have sorted uniform, made sure everything is name tagged, I have fed them, I have read to them, I have bathed them.

SOOOO sick of having to justify how I spend each minute when I have kids at home.

OP posts:
Lightbulbon · 02/09/2015 06:28

Op you sound like a prisoner.

Please contact women's aid.

IDismyname · 02/09/2015 06:29

Iam - Please change your user name, and please listen to the lovely MNetters who are giving you good advice. You sound like a brilliant 5 star mum.
You need help. You'll get it here, but you'll have to do some stuff yourself.
Baby steps... Start small.

Iamatotalandutteridiot · 02/09/2015 06:34

Thank you...

He does work hard and I know it must be frustrating that the house is not as tidy as he would like it to be.

I guess what gets me is, even when I explain what I've done, it's irrelevant to him. I organised a lovely play date for the kids yesterday (easier said than done with one not so social ASD kid chucked in there! Can't just faff off down to the local soft play and let them run riot), played with them, talked to my DS for quite some time about why he was so stressed (he is starting school on Monday for the first time (home schooled up till now) which is a big deal for him but I don't want to mention it unless he does, so conversations about why he is stressed take a lot longer than saying 'is it school?' Because if it's not school, there is every chance it WILL be if I make an issue out of it (I hope that makes sense)

I adore spending time with my kids. I really do, and I guess my mentality is I won't get to the end of my life and wish I'd spent more time cleaning floors. We have a few final days of holidays and I want to make the most of that time.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 02/09/2015 06:58

Iam, he doesn't care at all about how clean the house is.
And what you are seeing is not frustration.

What you are seeing is a combination of self loathing on his part, and the desire to make himself feel better by humiliating you. Plus sheer laziness.

No amount of cleanliness or hours worrying that he will be frustrated by the state of the house are ever going to make him change his approach to your relationship. He will always find fault. If you do A, B and C, he will sneer at you for not doing X, Y and Z. You will not be able to win for losing. He has set it up this way. This is what he wants the relationship for -- to provide a handy whipping boy, namely you. He picks and chides, you rationalise and explain. He makes it plain that there is a problem and that that problem is you. In his own mind he is always going to be right and you are always going to be as wrong as another human could possibly be. Nothing will ever convince him otherwise.

He is not trying to solve a problem here. He is not trying to make things better for anyone. Above all, he is not doing his utmost to make sure the windows are not streaky. He is just telling you that you are accountable to him, that you cannot aspire to be his equal, that he owns you. All of this is about him however.

It is most important that you realise that the things he finds fault with don't matter at all to him. You are going to run yourself ragged trying to keep everything the way you hope will be pleasing to him, and you are going to be driven insane trying to explain what matters to you, and how you spent your day.

Explaining to him what you did is handing yourself to him on a plate. He will pick holes in what you did and complain about things you didn't reach on. You will be damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Please try to understand that you are in many ways irrelevant to him and so are the children. Certainly the stuff he makes such a fuss over is irrelevant to him. When he is living alone in some flat you will be astonished at how dirty and untidy it is. When he does his Lord of the Manor Inspects The Underlings' Work schtick, he is not even telling you how he feels about you. All he is doing with his belittling of you and his pickiness is telling you exactly how he feels about himself. He is a bottomless pit of self hatred. No amount of love on your part or love from his children will ever make a difference to the endlessness of that.

You and the children and the streaky windows (or whatever) just happen to be there, and because he is the sort of man he is, he is too lazy to find anything of substance to complain about. If he had a cat he would kick it. If he had a fish in a tank he would spit in the water. He lights on the first thing he sees and there is no escape from the criticism.

HazleNutt · 02/09/2015 06:59

You're already so used to this treatment you don't see how crazy it is. He won't let you have a cleaner. He vetoes' going to the gym. He decides if you need to spend money or not.

That's not a marriage, he sounds like a prison guard. Please call women's aid.

scallopsrgreat · 02/09/2015 07:02

Listen to math. She is wise. And you have your priorities absolutely correct. Don't doubt that for a minute.

Zame · 02/09/2015 07:12

Yummymummy28 - the thought of spending years with a person who treated me like shit in the hope that one day he would see the light and behave like a decent human being makes me feel sick.
I would never encourage another person to stay with someone like that and work at the relationship. Fuck that.

EponasWildDaughter · 02/09/2015 07:27

You sound like a fantastic mum OP :)

You can continue being a fantastic mum without living with your 'D'H. I feel this is an important thing for you to absorb.

For your own sake and for your children's; make an exit plan. Imagine a life with your children without the stress of your DH turning up at the end of every day and being an arse.

There are so many wise women here who can and will go through each and every tiny baby step to getting away.

Lastly,don't imagine that 'getting away' means you alone in a hostel, or you and the kids in a box on the street. No. You're married and you own half of everything. House, savings, ect.

One last question (i don't know if anyone else has asked) Is he physically abusive?

Iamatotalandutteridiot · 02/09/2015 07:37

It's not true that he wouldn't be happier if I was better at doing housework.

There are days I know I should clean and I just don't.

I do feel powerless.

I do need to work on that.

OP posts:
EponasWildDaughter · 02/09/2015 07:45

You're not powerless :) Flowers

Can you picture yourself living alone with your children? Being happy. Being in control. Getting on with your lives.

You sound very strong. You deal with your children, manage your sons issues beautifully, and run the house perfectly well. You are well equipped, you don't need him, you know how to do everything.

Does he ever hurt you OP?

Hygge · 02/09/2015 07:56

If he really cared about the housework why won't he let you get a cleaner to help?

You said upthread that he won't let you. If he was that bothered he would see a cleaner as a solution to help you both.

And he wouldn't be coming in and immediately re-doing the things you've already done, just to make the point that he thinks you did them badly.

Math is right in what she says. Please listen to her.

Iamatotalandutteridiot · 02/09/2015 07:57

No, he never hurts me.

Can I picture myself on my own with the kids? yes, I guess I can because largely that's where I am now. That doesn't worry me at all.

But can I imagine life where I am not with him? No... I can't. it's laughable to say I could wake up one day and say 'OK, we split' and suddenly he doesn't have control / power over me. Suddenly, he supports my parenting decisions say, for instance, on his weekends. It's cobblers. And, it's laughable to think I could possibly afford the lifestyle I have without his ongoing contribution.

And, then what happens when the kids have a far better, more luxurious time at dads and end up resenting me for taking that away.

No... I am definitely not leaving. it's simply not an option.

I know, you will all tell me I'm an idiot. And there really is no need - I already know it.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 02/09/2015 08:13

It's not all about money or luxurious lifestyles through OP. Do you have a daughter? What would you think if she is in the same situation in 30 years time because she thinks it is normal? What if you find out your son won't let his wife leave the house without his children?

Please think about the impact this relationship is having on your children.

YouTheCat · 02/09/2015 08:17

For the kids to have a better time with their dad that would mean he would actually have to parent them and have them for a whole weekend by himself.

I can't see him wanting to spend his weekends with his kids. That would require effort.

I know you can't see a way out right now. But please start squirrelling what you can away and make an exit plan.

My ex sounds so much like your h. Charming, everyone thought he was wonderful and I must be so lucky. He wasn't wonderful. He was abusive. He used all the same lines as yours does. He never looked after the kids. He spent all his downtime and our money in the pub. He belittled me and told me I was fat and unattractive and that all his erectile dysfunction problems were down to me. He eroded any confidence I had and sabotaged my attempts to lose weight. I have two children on the spectrum (one at the severe end) and I felt trapped for 13 years. Then I had an epiphany and realised I could make plans and I could leave and so I did. It took another 2 years to get away but 5 years down the line I am like a different person. And I am happy. My house will never be a show home like the h expected it should be but I don't care. Other things are more important.

Dd (20) sees her dad very occasionally (he still lives with his mother, who I lived with for 15 years too and she is not an easy woman to get along with). She tells me it is a total shit tip. If I ever have cause to set foot in it again, I shall ask him 'what have you done all day?' just for pure devilment.

laundryeverywhere · 02/09/2015 08:21

The lifestyle you have doesn't sound that great, wouldn't it be better to be poorer but not have someone being horrible to you over trivial things all the time. Sounds like you can't give the kids the things you would like to now (a McDonalds was something you mentioned not being able to afford that is not exactly a luxury) as he won't let you. He won't let you go to an exercise class and so on. Maybe if you split you wouldn't be able to afford these things but that might be better than not being allowed them.

I am someone who believes in working on your marriage and putting up with some pretty annoying behaviour from Dh as I know I can be annoying too. I know some MNers would tell me to LTB over things he does, but Dh isn't mean to me on a regular basis. We often have fun together. He helps out at home as well as working hard (sometimes in an annoying way, I admit) he enjoys spending time with dd and listens to my opinions on parenting. I don't stay because I am scared of what he might do if we split up. So I don't lightly say think about whether you are doing the right thing by staying in an abusive relationship, and plan an escape route if you need it.

DoreenLethal · 02/09/2015 08:25

That's a pretty shit lifestyle to want to preserve. But that's part of the whole picture isn't it?

I am one who believes that marriage is a piece of paper, and the loss of an arsehole is no loss at all. To you or to the kids. It is not a good dynamic to teach your kids as it perpetuates the notion that men are god and women run around trying to placate them. That is the lesson they are learning every day.

ScrambledSmegs · 02/09/2015 08:31

Is this really all you think you and your children are worth? Sad

I've read your comments on another thread too. He's abusive. I know it will take a long time for you to realise the extent of it, but the fact that you are posting here is a start.

Luxuries are much less important than emotional wellbeing, you know. I know a few separated ex-spouses who Disney-parent - throw vast amounts of money at their children to hide the lack of time and interest they have for them. The children are quite cynical about it when they're a bit older.

pictish · 02/09/2015 08:37
ScrambledSmegs · 02/09/2015 08:42

OP (because I CANNOT call you by your username, you are far from an idiot) could you please take a look at a thread in Relationships called Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships? I think it would be a good place for you to find support and advice.

LieselVonTwat · 02/09/2015 08:46

YANAgurl I think the problem with the Ipads, junk food etc is that DH would use all those things to manage the kids for a day while he did whatever mimsy, inessential bits of cleaning took his fancy. Having no doubt had a full sleep the night before while she did the night shift, and another at the end of it. And then he'd genuinely think because of this that OP does indeed have it easy. He wouldn't expend any of the effort it takes to get them to brush their teeth, eat well, do something enriching etc, would do no household admin or any of the invisible maintenance that a household needs aside from housework and childcare, and wouldn't realise that you can't make every day an easy treat, minimal parenting effort day. What OP is saying is that, setting aside whether it's a good idea for a minute, her leaving him with the kids would be counter-productive. I see her point.

OP, his behaviour isn't normal and it isn't ok.

CobblerBob · 02/09/2015 08:48

Please leave. Not least because controlling abusive husbands often become controlling abusive dads. And I'm still suffering from the abusive childhood I had. Mathanxiety's post made me cry and be angry and reminded me that I can never ever please my dad and that he will always find a way to belittle me and try to make me scared. And in a grown woman ffs.
Can you imagine your children feeling like me? I had one loving parent too. It didn't cancel out the controlling, angry, cunt though.

Verypissedoffwife · 02/09/2015 08:49

It's your choice of course, and I know how difficult it can be when you've had the life sucked out of you. If you do nothing else, please read the books suggested by mathanxiety. They will really open your eyes and help you get to the point where you just stop letting it get to you.

Iamatotalandutteridiot · 02/09/2015 09:02

thankyou all. I am reading and listening to what you say.

I do have a plan. I do intend to put myself first some of the time.

This is the first time I will have some time during the day and I do intend to do some things for myself.

OP posts:
HazleNutt · 02/09/2015 09:27

start with thinking about why he thinks (and more importantly, why you yourself believe) he's the boss of you, so he can order you around, tell you what to do and not to do, be unhappy with the level of service provided, to veto your decisions. Who died and made him king? Can you tell him how to spend his day, not to waste money on McDonalds, not to go to gym etc?

sofato5miles · 02/09/2015 09:35

What can you do to change your environment in small ways? Have you access to money?

Is there a way that you can take power in small steps?

What could you do in secret?

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