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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not want to be faced with 'what did you do all day?' every day

327 replies

Iamatotalandutteridiot · 01/09/2015 19:17

just faced it again tonight

He is currently cleaning the glass 'because it is streaky' (Note: no finger prints, so I have obviously cleaned it... just streaky)

I have entertained 3 kids today - on the last week of their holidays. I have sorted uniform, made sure everything is name tagged, I have fed them, I have read to them, I have bathed them.

SOOOO sick of having to justify how I spend each minute when I have kids at home.

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 01/09/2015 21:36

We've had a nice day, all in all, but when DS is feeling stressed, it's a 24/7 job until we are in the house (he calms down in the house - and please don't anyone tell me I should just let him stay in the house as it's simply not good for his mental health or his socialisation) so when we ot in, yeah, I did the minimum and then relaxed.

I so identify. Believe me, I do.

If he is under I think 7, there is a course called Early Bird Plus which is really helpful - NAS run it. Have you been on it? It's very useful in itself, but you also get to meet other parents in the same boat. It can be really good as a means of finding support.

The thing is, to all intents and purposes you're a single parent. You just have an angry, belittling, accusatory bully in your home undermining you and creating more work, too.

He won't alter this situation for you because it probably suits him. He can be lazy and he has a human punchbag, emotionally. If you don't say to him that his shit ends or he leaves, he won't change. Even then there is no guarantee but it is the only option you have.

I agree that Women's Aid would help.

You do know that child support is not counted when they calculate benefits? If you look on www.entitledto.com I think it is (correct me someone if that isn't right) you can find out how much you'd get, and then use the child support calculator to work out how much he would have to pay you. You also have a strong case I would suspect for spousal support because you have a disabled child which impacts earning potential.

Has he a salaried job - is it reasonably well paid? Pension? Is the house rented or mortgaged, and if the latter, do you know how much equity is in it? All those are family assets of the marriage, not just his. I suspect you are not treated as though that is the case, but it is.

I'm not saying you need to act on any of that information. I'm just saying that you sound as though you feel trapped... and you aren't. You have a lot more power in the relationship than he is allowing you to feel.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 01/09/2015 21:37

Someone posted "a funny" on fb the other day which reminds me of this. Picture of a bloke walking in the door, wife sat watching TV, house a total mess and kids having a riot.

Caption was something like "you know you ask me every day what I do all day, well today I didn't do it"

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 01/09/2015 21:38

when I finish my masters in 4 years time I think I might do a PhD

TheDovefromabove56 · 01/09/2015 21:39

Absolutely! Rockermummy. All the things you would normally do tomorrow, don't do any of them.... apart from feeding the kids, you should probably do that.

AyeAmarok · 01/09/2015 21:39

Reading your posts makes me very sad,OP. You are a person in your own right, you know?

WorktoLive · 01/09/2015 21:41

So what if the kids had a day of eating pizza,playing on the ipad and not brushing their teeth? ONE DAY OF THIS WILL NOT KILL THEM!!! and your OH needs to have a day in your shoes. You seem to be making too many excuses for him

Of course a day of pizza and ipads won't kill the DCs but what it will do is reinforce the Hs opinion that childcare is easy and leaves plenty of time for housework.

Unless he has a full day or preferably more, that involves interacting with the DCs, cooking decent food, keeping the house in the same state as at the beginning of the day, undertaking the more challenging aspects of parenting and keeping his precious surfaces smear free, he won't change his opinion that the OP does nothing all day.

laundryeverywhere · 01/09/2015 21:48

Maybe he would do a good job of it, maybe he would even find it pretty easy, the point is its not a competition, he should be supporting the op in a loving way. They are supposed to be building a life and a happy family together. Instead he is putting her down when she is having a hard time caring for their disabled son.

TheVeryThing · 01/09/2015 21:48

You sound familiar, OP, have you posted about your situation before?
I think you know that you are being abused by your husband, but I'm not surprised you feel unable to change anything. This awful man has completely worn you down.
Please do take the advice on here and contact women's aid. You and your children deserve so much better than this.

scallopsrgreat · 01/09/2015 21:50

"You are a person in your own right, you know?" Yes. This.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/09/2015 21:58

If you were to say to him, 'would you rather I cleaned the house and let the dc go on the iPad all day and eat junk, or would you prefer me to interact with them, take them places, cook then good food, give them a good childhood, whilst doing what I can in the house', how would he respond?

BathshebaDarkstone · 01/09/2015 22:03

Please go out by yourself for a day, you need space. The kids won't die if their teeth aren't brushed for a day. Smile cunt badger Grin

Verypissedoffwife · 01/09/2015 22:10

I did the "leaving him with the kids" thing a few times. Yes, he failed. Yes, he was pissed off. It changed nothing at all though. He still didn't appreciate me or what I did for the family.

Some people just aren't bloody nice. You need to accept that and decide what to do about that. I left my husband (eventually ) but I know it's not easy. It took me 10 years.

He won't change though. If I were you I'd do what someone up thread said and start coming up with an exit plan x

Hygge · 01/09/2015 22:17

Sorry OP but he sounds like an abusive loon to me.

You can't go out without the children because he will think you're having an affair.

He questions you on what you did all day and then re-does it all because you haven't done it properly.

He'd go mental if you left him with the kids.

He'd kill you for taking the iPad with you.

He's a 'different person' around other people so everyone thinks he's wonderful.

He'd leave the kids to entertain themselves on iPad's all day and neglect their basic care just so he could work like crazy to get the house to his impossible standard for no other reason than to make you look crap for not doing the same day in and day out?

What would your friends think if you told them all that? Would they still think he was wonderful?

More importantly, what would you think if a friend told you all that about her DH?

I'm not normally one for saying LTB, but run. Seriously.

xxyummymummy28xx · 01/09/2015 22:37

On the flip side . . . I'm sure some of the things my DH has done before now, many years ago . . . had I posted them on here you would all have been saying the same thing to me.
However, I stayed . . . many times I felt like leaving . . . I mainly stayed for the kids because whatever way he treated me he has always been a good dad and they would be devastated if we split.
BUT 8 years on things HAVE turned around. I wouldn't say I'm 100% happy, but who is? But he has made positive changes and could in no way be described as abusive anymore.
Although, when things got too bad I have always spoken up and made him see the error of his ways in any given situation.
I do sometimes think people are too quick to give up these days though x

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/09/2015 22:42

When you say, "he would kill me" what does that look like? Shouting, silent treatment, violence, sulking, punishing you?

What a marriage should look like is a partnership, with each partner supporting the other, each appreciating what the other does and that the other may need time, space, support, love and money of their own.

What your marriage sounds like is close to a form of slavery; someone controlling you, you can't leave, you aren't paid for what you do and no one appreciates anything you do. If you were a carer to three children, one of whom has SEN, you would have time off and be paid. If you were a cleaner you would. Your DH does. Why are you worth so little?

Don't leave for the weekend. Plan to get out of this marriage for good.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 01/09/2015 23:05

You appear to be an unpaid housekeeper and childminder. And a carer to boot. If you went under a bus tomorrow he'd need at the very least a nanny, a cleaner and meals cooked.
Do you believe that he is abusive?
Do you want this to be your life?
Do you want to be free?
My housekeeping and parenting skills are average. I have a dc with ASD. If DH gets home to smiles then he's happy. He spends one day at home while I work. He understands.

BlackeyedSusan · 01/09/2015 23:08

you need to start thinking about an exit plan. he is abusive.

you can single parent with an asd child. after all you are doing it all already. you will have less work to do because h is not around and you will not need to keep such high standards.

ClearBlueWater · 01/09/2015 23:44

OP
I am a SAHP to 2 kids, one with SEN.
I also have mobility issues.
My H seems incapable of looking after his kids solo
I value the happiness of the kids so I don't ask him to.
I have not had so much as an overnight to myself in 10 years.
This week, H is on holiday (since Sat)
Has he cooked a meal yet? No
Made a packed lunch? No
done a breakfast or bedtime solo? No
Moaned about pretty much everything? Yes.
gone to bed at 9pm as he is 'so tired' and left me to sit up drafting the letter to the GP and school about the SEN that needs to be done tonight? Yes. (sorry for vent)
I get where you are.
But, it's rubbish.
And we both need to do something about it.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 01/09/2015 23:47

Oh clear yes you do Flowers

bessarabiantiger · 02/09/2015 01:41

OP.

I have not RYFT but I will tomorrow.

I read your initial post & then got very angry. I've beer there. It's not OK.

I'm coming back tomorrow.

mathanxiety · 02/09/2015 02:16

OP, and ClearBlue too Flowers.

You both need to buy and read 'Why Does he DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft.

Also 'Living with the Dominator' by Pat Craven.

Please move heaven and earth to read these books
Do not let your Hs know you have them and do not discuss their contents with them.

You both need to phone Women's Aid, 0808 2000 247 and you need to start counselling -- the Freedom Programme would be ideal. You would not have to leave your DCs with your Hs to do this. Call the number and leave a message if the line is busy. They will call you back. Ideally, OP, I think you should do group therapy as it is sometimes more effective as a means of showing you you are (1) not alone, and (2) your H is very similar to many other little Hitlers out there, all of whom do the same thing.

I understand why you are reluctant to confront this man and why leaving him with the DCs would be counter productive. I have been divorced for six years now from a man whose constant refrain was "You are the problem". Under no circumstances should you go to joint/couples counselling with this man.

Please read back over this thread and look at the posts where you explain that you have no options but to do things the way you do them and put up with shitty treatment.

The aim of an abuser is to convince his victim that she has no options.

Verypissedoffwife · 02/09/2015 03:24

I second mathanxiety with the book recommendations.

I read both and whilst it took me a while to eventually leave, it made me more aware of the abusive behaviour and made me realise that "no, it's really not me".

Which saved my sanity!

mathanxiety · 02/09/2015 03:31

Amen to that "no, it's really not me"

If you get nothing else from those books, get that.

It makes a huge difference to be able to look down on it all from a great height as it were (reading those two very authoritative authors) and see it for exactly what it is. You will feel desolate, but you will also feel empowered. You may even feel angry.

Sallystyle · 02/09/2015 06:01

People need to stop advising her to just leave the kids with him and go out etc.

She is in an abusive marriage and the first thing she needs to do is keep herself safe and work on an exit plan. Get some professional help from Women's aid etc.

If she just goes out and leaves the kids with him what would happen? Would she be safe when she got back?

Yes she would get a break but would it be worth all the shit that follows, especially if he is likely to become violent or make her life even more hell.

The only sensible thing to do here is call Women's Aid and start to make plans to leave. OP, I know that is often easier said than done, but you have two options. Leave or live the rest of your life like this.

Thanks
mathanxiety · 02/09/2015 06:27

Going out and leaving the kids with him is also another way of keeping on engaging with him, and keeping on trying to change him.

The key to getting free is emotional disengagement, and realising that nothing is gong to change him.

The only person a woman in an abusive relationship has any control over is herself. Right now the OP's H is in the driving seat, dictating events, setting the mood and affecting eveyone else. The only way to edge him out of that spot is by working on emotional independence and stopping engaging. Above all it is important to stop hoping he will change.