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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

News Flash: Having children will change my life.

133 replies

TitusAndromedon · 31/08/2015 20:51

This is not a MIL thread, but it is prompted by something my MIL has said. Repeatedly.

My husband and I are expecting twins in November. They will be our first children. Every single time we see my MIL, which is fairly regularly, she makes several references to how our lives will change. So, we are going away for a few days this week, and we should enjoy it now because once we have the babies, it won't be so easy to get out and about.

And of course we should sleep now, because once we have the babies, we won't be doing much of that.

And obviously we won't be able to spend our money frivolously, so we should enjoy any new gadgets now because soon there won't be any more of that.

I'm finding this difficult for two reasons. The first is that the constant focus on our changing lives seems quite negative, and I'm already pretty nervous about having twins. Twins were very unexpected and, although I'm excited, it's a daunting proposition. I don't find it helpful to think of every activity as a 'last hurrah' before it all changes for the worse.

The second reason is that it's all pretty obvious. Of course I'll sleep less and it will be harder to get out and about and we'll have less money. We're having two babies! When we made the decision to TTC, it was always with the knowledge that we would be changing our lives if we were successful, and we're taking these 37 weeks to do our best to prepare.

Although these are examples from my MIL, lots of people seem to delight in giving us foreboding warnings about how difficult everything is about to become. AIBU to be a bit fed up with it? And how can I respond in a way that is polite, but also puts a stop to all of these warnings, which are inevitably delivered with a bit of a know-it-all tone?

OP posts:
JuJuMun69 · 31/08/2015 20:53

Ah but they do know dont they Grin

MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours · 31/08/2015 20:55

Congratulations on you impending twins.

I think that, with regards to the comments you just have to grin and bare it. It's just one of those things people say. And it will be nothing to the ongoing advice you will receive once you've had your babies.

Of course life will change, but it's not for the worse, just different.

StarlingMurmuration · 31/08/2015 20:56

YANBU to find it annoying.... But lots of people said it to me when I was pregnant this time last year, and I obviously knew it would be very different after DS was born, but only in an academic, theoretical sense. It took actually having him for it to sink in, and then I was gobsmacked at just HOW MUCH it all changed. It was a real shock to the system, and I think people are just trying to prepare you for that, probably based on the total seismic shift they themselves underwent. Then again, maybe they're just being dicks.

MrsAukerman · 31/08/2015 20:57

I have one baby so a little different but I think all the dire warnings are useful as they make it sound absolutely horrendous so when it's only a bit awful you get a pleasant surprise. I believe the phrase is expectation management. Smile and nod.
Good luck with your twins, you're going to need it. Wink

mabythesea · 31/08/2015 21:00

I would amuse yourself my making ridiculous statements back: "Oh don't worry about us getting out and about, I intend to have them sleeping 12 hours a night by 2 weeks!"
"Of course we'll still go out for dinner, we're going to just show them who's boss and not pander to crying, and train them to stay quiet under the table in restaurants"
"Babies aren't expensive. We're going to potty train them from the word go so we don't waste money on nappies"

ollieplimsoles · 31/08/2015 21:01

Op I totally agree, ive been feeling really down about this today :(.

My mil is the worst for it, she has a very negative outlook on things generally and she continually pisses all over our bonfire with this baby. It our first too and is due in October. We actively don't talk to her about baby things now because she always says the same things.

What upset me the most today is two very close friends and one family member have recently had bad break ups and all have young babies. Dh's cousin is the most recent, her boyfriend just upped and walked out, leaving her with their 9 month old son. Mil proceeded to stress on and on about how hard a baby hits a relationship and how some men arnt ready for it. :( I'm already feeling vulnerable and anxious and it just makes it ten times worse.

My advice is to tell her she's upsetting you with her 'advice' she's just doing what my mil does and trying to fucking ruin it for you. I don't know why they do it.

Honestly I could have written your op today...Sad

Micah · 31/08/2015 21:01

There are two opposing sides to this.

One lot of advice givers will give you dire warnings on how much your life will change, you'll have to do/stop x,y and z, life will never be the same.

The other lot will tell you that you shouldn't let a baby affect your life, they should just fit in, you carry on like you did before.

As with all baby advice, smile, nod, and do what works for you.

mariposa10 · 31/08/2015 21:03

Wait until you've had the children and you'll see they were right. Sorry.

Chippednailvarnish · 31/08/2015 21:03

Laugh in her face and tell her she's gonna be taking them overnight from when they're 4 weeks old to give you a rest!

QuiteLikely5 · 31/08/2015 21:04

Yabu. The woman is coming from a place of love and nurture.

If it was malice then I'd agree with you.

Can't you just embrace people's opinions? You know they aren't fact, it's just people making conversation!

(Btw your MiL is correct about everything she said) Grin

XCChamps · 31/08/2015 21:07

I think people who've been there do it because, no matter how much you think you know how much life is going to change, the reality is so much more. People who've been there also knew their life was going to change but the actual change still came as a shock IYSWIM. That's not a bad thing, in most cases it's a very positive change but it is impossible to imagine beforehand just how different things will be. Veterans feel it's their duty to try and make you understand....

FWIW, we felt better off financially, to begin with because we never went anywhere to spend any money Grin

MakeItACider · 31/08/2015 21:08

Well of course things will change. But they forget to add the positives, how lots of people actually enjoy being parents, after all they frequently go on to have more than 1 by choice, or that rush of emotion when you hold your baby/s in your arms, or how your heart melts when they smile at you, or the fact that your lives are so different because you choose to do things differently because you want to!

BumWad · 31/08/2015 21:08

Ah.

DS is 14 weeks old. I remember my mum telling me he won't let me sleep and me chuckling away. It really really does turn your life upside down, more than you will ever know. It is such a shock to the system! Sorry I know that's not what you want to hear, I was just nod and smile politely Grin

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 31/08/2015 21:09

I agree with Starling. I felt a bit like you in advance. Then I had the baby and FUUUUUUCK. Why did no one warn me!!!

I have three now so I'm not saying it is dreadful. I love having kids. But it often throws your life and your relationship a total curve ball. Some people are arses. But some are just trying to protect you from being as shocked as they were (though they can't, because knowing the theory is different to living it).

PS if you want to shut up strangers in shops, just say "oh no, my third" when they ask if it is your first.

Gingermakesmesick · 31/08/2015 21:10

Congratulations.

Say, 'I know, we are blessed aren't we?' and smile sweetly.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 31/08/2015 21:10

Cross post with loads of people Grin

Littlecaf · 31/08/2015 21:10

Thing is, you know it will change OP, so I'd just laugh and say, "yes we know".

Having said that I think I've just scared my cousin by saying "the first few weeks are awful, then it turns into so much fun". I probably should have just said the second bit!

Jelliebabe1 · 31/08/2015 21:11

Oh lovely! Every time I tell an existing parent I'm expecting twins they're all "oh my God, it's going to be sooooo hard, you don't know what's going to hit you etc". However whenever I tell someone who's got twins they're over the moon and say " fabulous news twins are amazing! You'll love it! "

Congratmalations on your twins! Mine are due in October. I can't wait!

BeaufortBelle · 31/08/2015 21:11

My little baby boy will be 21 very soon. I've found motherhood with my younger baby girl much easier because I knew what to expect.

Make the most of your freedom OP. Keep things sweet with your MIL OP. If she's local and helpful you will be so grateful to have her as your friend once these babies are here.

Congratulations on your twins. Enjoy your pregnancy and your freedom to rest and just enjoy your time with your partner while you can.

I'm sure your MIL only has your best interests at heart and she is an experienced mother even if not an experienced mother of twins.

Gingermakesmesick · 31/08/2015 21:11

And actually, I didn't find the reality that bad. But I had chilled out babies. It's more the mishmash of feelings I had that changed me, but I wouldn't swap them.

I have created little friends, which is rather nice really.

ButIBelieveInLove · 31/08/2015 21:12

Oh my friend! Come back in two years and let us know what you have to say to pregnant people Grin. Though I must concede YANBU because though I always think it, I try not to say it because nothing does the horror justice.

Seriously, enjoy your life. Come back and waste your time on MN when you can't leave the house of an evening.

Grin Grin Grin

RachelZoe · 31/08/2015 21:12

YANBU

God I hate this. Of course our lives change, dramatically, but why do people have to be so negative about it? Having babies is a wonderful and positive thing, people going on about "oh they'll be no more of this" or "you wont ever be able to do that", like, of course, everyone gets that, but the negativity some people relish in is infuriating.

I have 6 kids, is my life very very very different, of course it is, but not remotely in a negative way, it's just different now, why do people always have to focus on what you're losing and not gaining? All this "oohhh, last chance EVER", it's bollocks, plenty of chances post children at some point to go out and have fun or treat yoruself now and again etc.

Drives me fucking nuts. Rant over Grin

DawnOfTheDoggers · 31/08/2015 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TitusAndromedon · 31/08/2015 21:13

I don't doubt that she's right. In fact, I said in my OP that part of preparing for TTC was acknowledging that we were ready for our lives to change quite substantially.

It's the negativity and 'just you wait' attitude I'm struggling with. That's not to say I don't appreciate useful advice, but repeatedly telling me that I'll be tired, financially restricted and housebound isn't useful advice.

I'm sorry you're struggling with similar negativity Ollie.

OP posts:
RachelZoe · 31/08/2015 21:13

OP, also, I have 2 sets of twins among my 6. Twins are great, it's going to be wonderful, congratulations!