News Flash: Having children will change my life.

[TitusAndromedon]

This is not a MIL thread, but it is prompted by something my MIL has said. Repeatedly.

My husband and I are expecting twins in November. They will be our first children. Every single time we see my MIL, which is fairly regularly, she makes several references to how our lives will change. So, we are going away for a few days this week, and we should enjoy it now because once we have the babies, it won't be so easy to get out and about.

And of course we should sleep now, because once we have the babies, we won't be doing much of that.

And obviously we won't be able to spend our money frivolously, so we should enjoy any new gadgets now because soon there won't be any more of that.

I'm finding this difficult for two reasons. The first is that the constant focus on our changing lives seems quite negative, and I'm already pretty nervous about having twins. Twins were very unexpected and, although I'm excited, it's a daunting proposition. I don't find it helpful to think of every activity as a 'last hurrah' before it all changes for the worse.

The second reason is that it's all pretty obvious. Of course I'll sleep less and it will be harder to get out and about and we'll have less money. We're having two babies! When we made the decision to TTC, it was always with the knowledge that we would be changing our lives if we were successful, and we're taking these 37 weeks to do our best to prepare.

Although these are examples from my MIL, lots of people seem to delight in giving us foreboding warnings about how difficult everything is about to become. AIBU to be a bit fed up with it? And how can I respond in a way that is polite, but also puts a stop to all of these warnings, which are inevitably delivered with a bit of a know-it-all tone?

It depends on how you look at it really.
The mil and others are right and being realistic, you can look t it in a negative way or embrace it.
Most parents wouldn't swap their life before dc anyway, so something must be good.

Ok I'm being lazy and haven't read the whole thread but yes it will change your life because it is fucking awesome. I just can't describe the feelings you get so get excited about those babies because you should celebrate what's about to happen.

One small thing I'm struggling with is basic plans I made before I had my baby about nights out, etc thinking I could or would be happy to leave my baby. I'm not and have had to cancel stuff but I don't really care. But there are so many other things I can be doing!

YANBU. People are just tactless, that's all. Maybe come up with a list of good things or positive spins on the impending change, with which to respond to every negative comment? can't actually think of any right now

Ok, I thought of something else. Sadly I'm not a good enough actress to cry at will, but if you are, the next time someone comes along to doom monger over what is supposed to be a happy thing, you can pause, say, "I know...you're right...oh God, I'm going to be so unhappy for the rest of my life!!" and then burst into floods of tears. Really loud and snotty. For bonus points, throw yourself into their arms as well so they can't easily escape.

Oh man. I'm going to ask some actor friends how to do it.

"Yes, it will be hard to sleep but we will be so high on the love for our babies that we won't care!!"

• guaranteed to make the offender back away slowly from you, as if from a crazy person

or, what Sheba says!

"Do not mansplain childbirth to me or I will strangle you with my umbilical cord."

You'll be fine Titus we had twins born in the family back in jan and my SIL and BIL have the best behaved, happiest babies you could meet and they are loving it. Granted they've had difficult times but they're coping beautifully and their little family is really doing well.

repeatedly telling me that I'll be tired, financially restricted and housebound isn't useful advice.

Nope. But it's true

First child hits like a sledgehammer. I would imagine double that if it's twins. Subsequent children you realise how easy a baby is and wonder a little what the fuss was all about This is why a lot of women choose to pop out a third!

wait til they're actually here and you're getting un-useful advice left, right and centre

What you do "need" for hospital is a nightie, not PJ's. I'll spare you the gory details (as you asked so nicely) but don't take PJs.

Hi Titus I have twins.

I ebf and the first 6 months were very, very hard.

BUT throughout it all I still enjoyed them. My DH and I (sleep deprived as we were) would look at our friends with only one baby and pity them.

We TTC'd for many, many years. I had read every baby book ever written, Every single one if my friends and relations had at least one and often two DC while we tried and still the reality if life with two small babies was incredibly shocking.

I was shocked at how shocked I was iyswim. I too said 'why did no body warn me?' they did

Becoming a parent is a bit like losing your virginity. You can read every book ever written but you have no idea until you do it yourself.

The problem is that people are so keen to spare you the shock that they felt that they try to explain it/warn you. But they can't. And it's annoying.

My children are amazing and funny and wonderful and my whole world. They are now 7yo.

I still occasional look back wistfully to the days if a small handbags, late nights and long lies.

Your babies will be amazing. Being a twin Mum is fantastic. All will be well.

You MIL isn't wrong though however annoying you'll need her, so bite your tongue

Ps go find your local twins club if you haven't already and buy Karen Kirk Gromada's 'Mothering Mutiples'. Esp if you are planning to breast feed.

I wasn't helpful, I've just realised.

OP - while it does change your life and easy things become a struggle, nothing prepares you for all the good changes too

For instance I never thought I could find sick cute. Newborn baby spit up is adorable (only to me I'm sure. Not nearly so fond of any other newborns puke, just my own)

Never thought I would be proud over a wee either. But when my son tinkled all over my friend when she came to visit in the hospital I was strangely proud of him.

There's also the exploding poo incident which made me hurl at the time but is now a funny story I get to tell.

When one of your babies holds your finger for the first time, just, wow.

Yes it is hard and your life will change but oh it is so worth it. When you have 2 sleeping babies to look at you will wonder how you could live without them and what you were doing with your life before you had them.

I still fondly remember when a stranger cooing into the pram accidentally stole my son's first ever smile and I got the overwhelming urge to punch her in the face. Makes me laugh now but oh I was so so cross. I'd been desperately trying to get that first proper smile out of him and all she did was look at him and there it was, the brightest most beaming smile I ever saw.

All the little first moments you have are amazing and it will be totally worth it

Oh, OP.

Your life will change forever. For the better. Because you will have two gorgeous babies that you and your DH literally spun from nothing. And you will be just fine and you'll muddle through and wing it like we all bloody do, and the hard bits will pale in comparison to watching those little rosebud lips pursing up when they are finally, blissfully asleep.

And they just get funnier as they grow. Mine are 5 and 9 and they're fucking hilarious little hobbits.

Parenting: it's pretty much all ok. Welcome.

haha, I used to get annoyed too.

then I found out they were right, and I was really shocked.

then I went through a phase of advising mums to be to get loads of sleep...because I was sleep deprived and used to fantasise about decent kip.

and now? I SHUT UP.

Thanks for some reassuring responses.

Noiwont, I do have Mothering Multiples (after reading lots of recommendations on here) and I've joined Tamba and found the local twins club, and joined their Facebook group. Naive as I may be, I am trying to prepare as best I can.

YABU . Friend of mine got Pnd cause she said no one warned her about how hard it is

I do understand though why you had enough, so just tell her politely you got the message

Congratulations !! Enjoy it!

"Friend of mine got Pnd cause she said no one warned her about how hard it is"

Sorry, but no, she didn't. PND is very real and can be debilitating but being told beforehand how hard it would be wouldn't have made any difference. Also, as described above it would be very unusual to get through an entire pregnancy without anyone mentioning it

whattodo your post brought tears to my eyes, I wish more people would talk about motherhood to expectant first timers like this.

Makes me look back I my tough pregnancy and remember amazing things like when we first saw our baby waving at us, the relief we felt when everything was ok at our scans. Being tucked up in bed and enjoying the feeling of my baby wriggling while I'm trying to fall asleep.

Titus glad to hear that - my local Twins group was brilliant.

You aren't 'naive' btw. You just haven't done it yet! . Parenting is a but like a roller coaster simultaneously terrifying and exhilarating but definitely worth the price of the ticket.

You are going to be fab.

I agree with XCChamps. I don't imagine there was anything anyone could have said to her that would have stopped her from getting it. And everyone on here keeps saying there's nothing that could prepare you anyway.

I have depressive tendencies and to be honest, being told all the time how shit motherhood's going to be and how my life is going to go down the pan probably makes it more likely to hit me, which is one reason I am pretty uninhibited about telling people to stop it. I don't mind if they're close friends who put it in a nice way, with practical advice, but the smirking doom mongers can go fuck a duck. And then tell us all how terrible life is with duckling-human hybrids.

Well I have twins....along with 2 others and it wasn't anywhere near as bad as people told me. Other twin parents are incredably supportive so I would recommend you join some multiples groups. If your mil is being very negative, perhaps it is her projecting her own fears that she wouldn't have managed (particularly if her baby was quite high needs)......twins are obviously more work than one baby but you also get twice the cuteness don't forget....and you become a minor celebrity when you go out and about as you have so many people take an interest every time you go shopping etc. twins are lovely...especially little babies so don't let other peoples negative stuff get you down.

Yanbu OP, that sounds annoying especially as it's all negative. Of course you know all this.. And the thing is, yes things change and get harder, but you get used to it and it becomes normal, and the pleasure outweighs the tiredness etc. You will sleep again! You will still be able to go out. Things might be a bit challenging sometimes but you just get on with it as it's all totally worth it. It's amazing

My nana told my mum some real horror stories of birth etc while my mum was pregnant, didn't have a good word to say about babies etc.. But that was her own negative mindset and she couldn't grasp that other people wouldn't feel the same. Even if she felt it she shouldn't have been filling my mums head with these thoughts!

Oh well, babies I've never found too bad - they're pretty portable, and somehow you cope with the sleep thing.

It's toddlers, 2 or 3 when they're mobile little bundles of abominably cute mischief (and worse) who run around causing havoc, which you try to seriously tell them off for without smiling at the adorableness, and they just laugh and go back to poking chips into the computer..

There - like they say, a change is as good a rest (that does apply to horror stories too right )

Why do people do this to prospective parents? Anyone with half a brain could work this out for themselves. My mother told me that her MIL used to say "Well now they've had their sweets, they must have their sours" when she was expecting - until she pointed out that she didn't consider having a baby to be a sour. So she was very careful not to say this sort of thing to me - although lots of others (including MIL) did. I was very careful not to say it to others - because although these things might be true, the way they come across is not true.

I remember telling a nervous pregnant friend that one thing nobody told me about was how I would feel when they put that baby (in your case babies) on my chest and he looked at me - he seemed to know me straight away and his eyes were SO blue and he looked and looked. THAT's what I remember about the birth.

As for the rest, I didn't miss going out - I would have liked a bit extra sleep but I used to catnap as and when.

I did feel my ex didn't have much idea at first - he wanted to lie in on his weekends and go out shopping for three hours. I could have done with MIL telling him a few salient facts.

It doesn't end at pregnancy. When they are newborn you are told to enjoy it while they're still pretty sleepy and portable and then you're told to enjoy it before they become mobile and then to enjoy it before whatever awful phase comes next, etc. I don't know why people insist on always having to warn you about how awful the next stage is.

Sometimes it is incredibly hard and miserable but you make it through, and it all becomes worth it for the moments of love and pure joy you get.

Good luck!