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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

News Flash: Having children will change my life.

133 replies

TitusAndromedon · 31/08/2015 20:51

This is not a MIL thread, but it is prompted by something my MIL has said. Repeatedly.

My husband and I are expecting twins in November. They will be our first children. Every single time we see my MIL, which is fairly regularly, she makes several references to how our lives will change. So, we are going away for a few days this week, and we should enjoy it now because once we have the babies, it won't be so easy to get out and about.

And of course we should sleep now, because once we have the babies, we won't be doing much of that.

And obviously we won't be able to spend our money frivolously, so we should enjoy any new gadgets now because soon there won't be any more of that.

I'm finding this difficult for two reasons. The first is that the constant focus on our changing lives seems quite negative, and I'm already pretty nervous about having twins. Twins were very unexpected and, although I'm excited, it's a daunting proposition. I don't find it helpful to think of every activity as a 'last hurrah' before it all changes for the worse.

The second reason is that it's all pretty obvious. Of course I'll sleep less and it will be harder to get out and about and we'll have less money. We're having two babies! When we made the decision to TTC, it was always with the knowledge that we would be changing our lives if we were successful, and we're taking these 37 weeks to do our best to prepare.

Although these are examples from my MIL, lots of people seem to delight in giving us foreboding warnings about how difficult everything is about to become. AIBU to be a bit fed up with it? And how can I respond in a way that is polite, but also puts a stop to all of these warnings, which are inevitably delivered with a bit of a know-it-all tone?

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 31/08/2015 21:14

I don't think any good can come from going on and on about it though. First time mums are anxious and stressed enough as it is towards the end and it doesn't help that people are constantly 'warning' us about how much things will change.

If we cant possibly imagine it, why bring it up so we start trying to imagine it? We are likely to get ourselves more stressed.

Saying things like 'nothing can prepare you for it' well why are you trying then? Just keep your warnings to yourself.

Gingermakesmesick · 31/08/2015 21:14

I understand the jokey and jovial comments about her being right, but I do think it needs acknowledging that there's a serious flipside to this. I struggle terribly in pregnancy - far far more than when they come out of me Hmm - and these sort of 'warnings' are very distressing for me.

Gingermakesmesick · 31/08/2015 21:15

Yes, definitely Ollie.

Micah · 31/08/2015 21:16

Does anyone really expect it to be some romantic vision of singing lullabies and gazing adoringly at your offspring in a victorian rocking chair?

I'd never had much to do with babies, but didn't need anyone telling me how life changing it would be. Kind of obvious. As with most things it's hanging on for the ride, and hoping it slows down enough at some point to enjoy the view.

Moomintroll85 · 31/08/2015 21:16

Congrats on your pregnancy!

Your MIL is right but I would find the harping on about it annoying too. You're also right I think too - some people take pleasure in watching people become parents for the first time and all the chaos (and loveliness!) that comes with it when they've been there - I know my mum does! She's always got a smug 'I told you so'-ness about her Grin

Just ignore her though and don't let it stress you out.

neversleepagain · 31/08/2015 21:16

She is right. Actually maybe not as she doesn't have twins.

Your life will never be the samesame again, in a good way and inbad way. Dh and I sometimes long for our life BT (before twins).

3rdSymphony · 31/08/2015 21:17

I can see why you're annoyed, honestly. Just stop listening, because having a child (or two) is one of those things which is completely impossible to grasp until it happens to you, and even if people mean well, it's not something you can be told about.

Some of it is gruesome - I found the newborn stage unspeakably awful - and some of it is glorious, and quite a bit of it, to my mind, is like having a bomb set off in your lives. I'm not a 'natural' parent, but I have an unspeakably fab three year old. But it's highly personal. No one else is you, and you're having your own specific children. Don't be afraid. Roll your eyes at your Mil, and say you're planning to retrain as a helicopter pilot when the babies are a week old, and you're sure she'll take them on, right?

Congratulations and best wishes.

friskybiscuit · 31/08/2015 21:18

Oh poor you! I remember bricking it and loads of negativity, particularly because I was mid 30s before getting pregnant. Mine are 9 and 7 now and they don't tell you about the brilliant bits.... Life won't be the same but richer, more interesting and never tedious! Enjoy your pregnancy and your children, life is a bit of a roller coaster! Congratulations and good luck.

PacificDogwood · 31/08/2015 21:18

Oh, let them gloat - I love the 'smile sweetly and say 'aren't we blessed' reply Grin

YANBU to get fed up with these comments.

YABU because all the comments are true and there is NOTHING that can prepare you for the seismic shift in your lives

Just be grateful that you found MN before you are becoming parents - we'll see you through Smile

Congratulations! Wishing you a healthy pregnancy and good delivery experience Thanks

Chippednailvarnish · 31/08/2015 21:19

You just need to keep reminding yourself that most people have siblings, if having children was that hard our parents would have stopped at one!

pandarific · 31/08/2015 21:20

Hm, I'm reading this thinking I don't believe any of you. Grin

Tell her the babies on YOUR side of the family sleep 8 hours from birth and read fluently by 3 (if you want to annoy her back).

ollieplimsoles · 31/08/2015 21:20

Ginger I'm the same, ive had a turbulent pregnancy and I'm really worried about after the birth. The last thing I need is people commenting on how it fucks up a relationship, because that's the only consistent thing I have in my life and what I was counting on the most.

All people can tell you is how they found it, they cant comment on how you will find it because they are not you. So why do they bother

Gingermakesmesick · 31/08/2015 21:20

When people talk about longing for life before children, it's often the phase/stage they long for, not the actual life. I look back and think how carefree I was at 22/23; I'm not sure I'd want to be 50 and childless.

Gingermakesmesick · 31/08/2015 21:22

Ollie, trust me on this, babies are MUCH nicer when they come out of you! Grin I am rubbish at pregnancy. I vomit constantly and I want to sleep and I get so tearful and worried and het up over nothing and can't even brush my teeth without being sick. Then labour hurts.

Then someone plonks a squawking baby on you and it's like you've given birth to a part of yourself that's more perfect and wonderful and beautiful than you can ever be and you love it and it really is that simple.

then they start walking and you want to put them back

Wink Grin

Original poster
TitusAndromedon · 31/08/2015 21:24

Thanks for the congratulations. Ginger and Ollie, I think you make a great point. I've got SPD, I'm physically terribly uncomfortable and my consultant and midwife have made it clear that this is only going to get worse. I'm planning to work to 33 weeks and I'm not sure how I'm going to do it.

The focus on the negative aspects of new parenthood makes this whole thing feel shit. It rather suggest that I get to experience several weeks of constant pain without anything to look forward to at the end, even though I know that's obviously not the case.

OP posts:
LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 31/08/2015 21:25

Ollie - the people who are trying to be kind are trying to help protect your relationship. Not scare you. They are trying to say that it might be tough. That your relationship might be thrown. Because if you look out for it early you can nip it in the bud. Because if the warnings about not getting into a tiredness competition come back to you at a key moment it might help. Because if you remember your friend saying she wanted to kill her husband for blinking too slowly because she thought he was stealing rest (there was a thread. ..) it might make you giggle at a key moment .

Some people are arses. But most aren't.

Original poster
TitusAndromedon · 31/08/2015 21:29

Actually, Panda, that's not far off the truth. I'm an only child but by all accounts was a very easy baby! These twins will almost certainly take after me (and not my husband, who apparently projectile vomited after nearly every meal...is it any wonder my MIL is full of such warnings?).

OP posts:
Capewrath · 31/08/2015 21:30

" poor in sleep, rich in love."

Said smugly.

Will wind them up no end.

It was very different, it was the no control and unremittingness I found hard, but we had wanted a dc for so long, years, and then he arrived. Even though I have never got over depression from it, he has been a blessing.

The other line you can try is

" double trouble now, but two for companionship and our old age"

Again, will piss them off.

Enjoy. I wish DS had had a sibling, and my godson and his twin are the very best of friends. Lucky lucky you.

ollieplimsoles · 31/08/2015 21:30

titus I know exactly how you feel, you go through shit and all you are looking forward to is the bliss of your twins being here safely, then people ruin it by warning you that that is going to be shit as well...

Libraries thanks that is a better, more positive way of warning me than 'i hope he can cope, a lot of men cant'

Welshmaenad · 31/08/2015 21:31

Nod emphatically and tell her you're having LOADS of really raucous kinky sex before your bump gets too big, so you know exactly what she means.

Gingermakesmesick · 31/08/2015 21:35

Thing is, there's a way to say it.

One of my mantras has always been that NOTHING worth something, really worth something, comes easy.

If you want to be an expert in music or dance or art you need to sacrifice a great deal. You need to practice boring scales or barre work or sketching several times a week. You need to undergo tough examinations, you need to get it wrong, get annoyed, try again.

If you're building up a business you need to sacrifice time and money and sleep and holidays and security and worry worry worry.

An inventor will have to dedicate years to creating whatever they create. When someone decided it would be a great idea to have a train system underneath London, that didn't happen overnight. To get the vote people had to DIE!

All those things take so much from people - heart and guts and sweat and blood - but so incredibly worthwhile.

Yes, parenting comes at a cost, but only because it's so wonderful and really means something.

frangipani13 · 31/08/2015 21:36

I'm getting a bit annoyed by these sorts of comments too the worst offender being a friend who had a bad labour and is hell bent on giving me a blow by blow graphic account. Why oh why would you do that. Of course we understand our lives will be turned upside down but these comments do nothing to prepare us. I was reminded by my MIL today that I'll need a dressing gown,amongst other (obvious) items.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 31/08/2015 21:40

What's wrong with saying that you might want a dressing gown.Confused

People who harp on about bad labours are sometimes arses. Sometimes they have unresolved trauma and can't seem to step away from re living the story when the topic comes up.

DaftVader36 · 31/08/2015 21:40

I feel so annoyed on your behalf. Everyone knows it's tough. But we all keep doing it, so it can't be that bad, can it? And everyone would stop at one if it was just so horrific.

Yes, life will change. It will have more meaning in every way.* You will (probably) never put yourself first again, because you will have two little people that you love more.

Your heart will literally ache with love at various times of day and night (at which point, if you breast feed, you may also squirt milk out involuntarily ????)

You will be tired, and at some point you may wonder what on earth you have done. But if that happens, just keep going until they finally go to sleep, then look at their beautiful sleeping faces, and pour yourself a drink and log onto MN.

Negative people are so irritating. Pftt. Crack on and enjoy being pregnant.

*not a PC thing to say, but true for me.

ShebaShimmyShake · 31/08/2015 21:44

I'm pregnant with my first and I'm getting sick of the smug doom and gloom (from parents!) as well. I usually just say, "Wow, you're really selling this to me, you must love it" and leave it at that. They usually shut up after that. If it's coming from family members, you can always say something like, "Well, if you hate it so much you don't have to be involved", assuming this isn't some clever ploy to ensure just that!