News Flash: Having children will change my life.

[TitusAndromedon]

This is not a MIL thread, but it is prompted by something my MIL has said. Repeatedly.

My husband and I are expecting twins in November. They will be our first children. Every single time we see my MIL, which is fairly regularly, she makes several references to how our lives will change. So, we are going away for a few days this week, and we should enjoy it now because once we have the babies, it won't be so easy to get out and about.

And of course we should sleep now, because once we have the babies, we won't be doing much of that.

And obviously we won't be able to spend our money frivolously, so we should enjoy any new gadgets now because soon there won't be any more of that.

I'm finding this difficult for two reasons. The first is that the constant focus on our changing lives seems quite negative, and I'm already pretty nervous about having twins. Twins were very unexpected and, although I'm excited, it's a daunting proposition. I don't find it helpful to think of every activity as a 'last hurrah' before it all changes for the worse.

The second reason is that it's all pretty obvious. Of course I'll sleep less and it will be harder to get out and about and we'll have less money. We're having two babies! When we made the decision to TTC, it was always with the knowledge that we would be changing our lives if we were successful, and we're taking these 37 weeks to do our best to prepare.

Although these are examples from my MIL, lots of people seem to delight in giving us foreboding warnings about how difficult everything is about to become. AIBU to be a bit fed up with it? And how can I respond in a way that is polite, but also puts a stop to all of these warnings, which are inevitably delivered with a bit of a know-it-all tone?

Glad it helped Ollie.
Try not to worry. It is easier said than done, but worrying isn't good for you. It is all worth it, promise

I think all us mums to be, including OP, would be far more receptive to this if it were done in a positive, practical way. I suspect OP would be much happier if MIL said, "It's going to be exhausting, darling, as you probably know, but remember you're not doing it alone. Your husband's there and so am I, if you want me, so anything I can do, you just say, ok?" There's a huge difference between that and, "Better do anything fun now because your life will soon be over, ha ha ha!" which is definitely the tone I'm getting from most people. Well, until I terrify them.

You're spot on, Sheba. There are much better ways to be supportive than giving warnings about the horror to come.

Oh, God, this bugged me so much when I was pregnant with DS!! All these bloody women telling me what it would be like. And you know what, the only prediction that actually came true was that I was indeed a bit about all the laundry. But other than that, the only thing I was surprised by was how much I loved being a mum, and how natural and instinctive it was to me. Seven years later, still feel the same way. No-one can tell you in advance how hard it is, but equally they can't explain the joy and the love. Take it all with a pinch of salt and enjoy your babies

I honestly found the actual reality of being a parent better than the anticipation.

This. Exactly this.

I always say to pregnant women that motherhood is the best, most fun thing I've ever done. Because it is.

It's hard sometimes. And I had a refluxy, gassy, non-napping baby, with near-nonexistent family support or help.

It has still been brilliant. Sometimes, depending on how well I know the person I might share tips - we found a swing to be brilliant, has anyone told you about lansinoh, a backlit Kindle is fabulous during night feeds. And occasionally I'll share the story about how DS projectile pooed across the changing room at John Lewis, if I'm pretty sure the person will find it funny.

I'm 7 months with DS2, and am getting the comments again. But this time I know everyone's experience is unique to them, that my 4 year old is significantly different to their 2 year old, and that their experience will not be mine.

But the know-it-all superiority can take a running jump. Because that's what it is, most of the time. They're not saying these things to help you, they're sayjng them to let you know they know more than you. And it's tedious.

And also: THERE IS NO BANK OF SLEEP. Anyone telling an insomnia-wracked, massively uncomfortable, constantly vomiting pregnant woman that she should 'get some sleep while she can' should have their toes cut off. It makes fuck all difference when your baby shows up. You'll be tired. The amount of sleep you got prior to birth will make no difference to how tired you are.

OP and

I seem to hear the voice of my late MIL when DS was on the way, and he's 30 now. I've had three, dear, I know what I'm talking about, I'm telling you for your own good, yadda yadda.

Tell DH to tell her to step bloody repeating herself. She probably won't but it will do you good to hear him say it.

No one told me just how hard it would be. Yes, I knew it was going to be hard but I had no clue just how much of my soul it would encompass. I remember saying to my mother when my tiny prem twins were about 6 weeks old "you should have warned me" I felt like my friends with kids should have warned me too!

I warn everyone

So what do you think they should do never?

Most people aren't stupid and realise it will be hard, but it's just SO unhelpful to descend into monologues about how hard it is and I am convinced it contributed to pretty severe AND in my case so I'm probably quite touchy about it.

Agree with Ginger. From what I'm told, no amount of warning will prepare me anyway, and all the doom mongering was one reason I didn't want kids for a long time and might never have done. My history of depression puts me at risk of AND and PND and being told all these horror stories doesn't help.

The kicker is that the people who are gleefully telling me how crap motherhood will be are generally those who kept telling me how miserable and unfulfilled I'd be if i didn't have kids!

Thanks and hugs to those who shared happy or reassuring stories!

Yes huge thank you to those sharing positive stories, its lovely to read.

I just think people telling you how hard it was and how exhausted and upset they were in the beginning takes some of choice away from you as to how you might deal with it. If they say its miserable then when it gets rough you think 'oh this is what they warned me about, yes I'm miserable'
But if people give you positive stories or useful advice, at least you can think 'its rough now but I will come through it' or you remember a bit of advice that could help.

I think some people don't want others to do well too, my mil does this. I'm an upbeat person and she really isn't. She sees me talking happily about how I may have crippling pelvic girdle pain, but I'm getting plenty of sleep, and she gets frustrated that I appear to be dealing so well. So she tries to knock me back.

I think YANBU. It's daunting enough to be pregnant with twins without someone else harping on about what happens after they're born. Your MIL is right, life will change but you won't really know how until you're doing it. I have found that people have lots and lots of fantasies about twins and will tell you all about them, how much they want twins, sometimes how much they don't... It's generally very nice if a bit repetitive (sometimes very hostile, but rarely). And there is nothing to prepare you for the actual arrival of the twins, so my advice is next time your MIL says something, tell her she's right, you'll need help and can she commit to helping out. Trust me, you'll need her! Good luck, it's the hardest thing you'll ever do but its wonderful. And you do get your life back bit by bit.

Ollie - I do agree with you but I think there is also a balance to be struck by those who are genuinely trying to be kind (not the gloom mongers). There is something to be said for knowing that you aren't the first to be sobbing in a corner five days in asking if you can have them adopted (as a poster was recently). You can tell that stuff kindly and with a positive outcome. But I am not sure it does anyone any favours to make light of how hard a lot of people find the first few weeks and focus relentlessly on positive stories and tips. Especially given the number of posts you see on here where people believe their NCT mates are breezing through. It is the emotional hat is he biggest shock.

I love being a parent. I am so sad my big ones are back to school. But bloody hell the early weeks of number one were tough. And it did genuinely help to know that was normal! Even in the tough there are gorgeous moments too.

Smile and nod is the best tactic, or ask DH to have a quiet word?

Twins are fab, have a chat with the mid wife and see if she can put you in touch with any groups for twins in your area, I know two sets of twins and the parents are really happy, one of them is TTC again for a third.

When I had my baby my MIL seemed a bit disappointed that I was coping well, she also came out with the gem "she is getting older everyday" as though I didn't know?!

A first-time pregnant acquaintance of mine recently posted a throwback photo of her and her partner on holiday last year complete with cocktails in hand, lying on sun loungers - with the caption 'ooh can't wait for holiday next year with baby in tow'
I must admit I did have a little giggle at the thought - knowing exactly how unlikely it is that the holiday will be anything like last year for them. But I kept that thought to myself!

One of my colleagues is a twin and insists that as she was born first she is the Real Deal and her sister is the BOGOF.

I told her that No, she was the sample on approval and her sister was the product on order.

She stuck her tongue out at me.

Yup there is no need for negativity all the time...but....research has been done that shows that the average impact of having children on happiness is somewhat worse than either divorce or losing your job...

So your MIL is right...but there is no point banging on about it now it is too late to change your mind.

You're right of course Libraries but there is a way to reassure new mums that it's normal to struggle and that help is available without doing a gleeful 'abandon hope all ye who enter here'. Most people who advise me about it don't make the distinction.

Are you sure that's what they are doing? You seem to feel these this very deeply.

Society is full of bog standard unfunny jokes. Including about parenting. Especially about parenting. Just politely (no threats of violence! ) end the conversation or smile and nod. Else you are going to spend the next decade permanently enraged.

No, it isn't helpful. It generally isn't malicious either as seem to think. Someone close like your mum or best friend it is worth having a word but otherwise I would suggest developing a thicker skin.

I think I get comments at least twice a week (and have done since DS was born over a year ago ) about how pleased I must be to have a girl after two boys. Of course it is bollocks and I could get really angry but pfffft. Life is too short. They are just clumsily making chit chat.

Thanks for the encouraging responses and practical advice.

People might be making chit chat or joking around, but I think they can still make an effort to be more sensitive.

Last night, I was the one pointing out to my MIL that dispersed amongst the challenges would be little joys, like the babies' first smiles, giggles and other milestones. Surely she should be the one providing that reassurance.

I have mentioned to my husband that his mother's negativity is upsetting. He is reluctant to speak to her about it because he says she just wants to help. We've compromised by him making a greater effort to respond with positivity. I wonder if that's helped him to notice how often she says negative things, but we haven't discussed it further. My MIL and I are not as close as he would like, so it's a sensitive topic. We get along just fine, but we aren't close.

I'm lucky in that my dad and stepmom are very positive and enthusiastic about the babies. Unfortunately, they're 8,000 miles away. I also know that when the babies are born, I won't feel able to be honest with my MIL when I am struggling because I won't want her to be proven right. It will make me feel vulnerable in a way I can't bear. I appreciate, however, that that is my own issue.

But people generally aren't sensitive about a lot of things! That would be a comment that applies to society generally .

Like people with secondary infertility who are heartbroken by comments on having an only. Or people with eating disorders being teased about not eating X. It isn't a thing about being pregnant. It is about us as a society often not thinking and making trite comments that hurt people.

OP, I'm hearing you about those early weeks and feeling you have to censor how you're feeling to your MIL, if you're struggling. And that your own family are far away. Are there good friends who can support you? People often want to help...what you'll need is people to bring you food and to sit and listen to you. My family are abroad too so I had a doula come every day for a few hours. The first 3 months of twins is quite the ride (.sorry don't mean to sound like your MIL) so I think putting some measures in place to have support (food) will set you up nicely so your less vulnerable to misery making remarks from MIL. Having newborn twins is an incredible experience, it's wonderful and special, but it's intense and difficult too. I think your instincts are spot on

If people are allowed to make smug, gleeful comments that could well trigger my depression, I'm allowed to respond in a way they won't much like either. The work colleague really pissed me right off - why anyone would think a pregnant woman wants to hear his wife's horror story and be reminded that 'after all, even today people do sometimes die in childbirth' is beyond me. For some reason it felt even worse to have a man doing it.

I think he got off lightly with my facetious threat. I do not seriously intend to strangle him with the umbilical cord. It would make too much of a mess.

Op I feel the same about my mil, I don't want to validate her by showing I'm struggling.

libraries I get what you are saying about knowing that its normal to find it so tough, I think making ftms aware of that is important, but you can always chose how you put it.

"it's so tough in the beginning, you cant go anywhere or do anything, you argue and will feel shit, prepare yourself now"

Vs.

"lots of new parents find it tough, just know that its normal and if you feel deep down something isn't right or you are not coping, you must talk to someone."

First one offers nothing but a feeling of 'oh shit I cant go back now...'

YANBU.

The thing is, telling people that something is going to be hard, or awful, or exhausting, isn't helpful at all. The truth is that being forewarned isn't being forearmed when it comes to kids, because there is nothing you can do beforehand that will make it easier. Getting loads of sleep before the baby is born isn't going to somehow compensate for the sleep deficit once they're born.

I'll always remember someone telling me while I was pregnant: "Nothing can prepare you for the pain of childbirth." Well, thanks a bundle. If nothing can prepare me, what's the point in knowing about it?

OP, I'm sure you will find it hard work when your babies arrive, but at the same time, I don't think you'll be thinking, "Well, thank god my MIL warned me beforehand".

The only useful thing your MIL could say would be: "You'll find it hard when the twins arrive, so I just want you to know I'll be on hand to help in whatever way you need." Has she said that?