News Flash: Having children will change my life.

[TitusAndromedon]

This is not a MIL thread, but it is prompted by something my MIL has said. Repeatedly.

My husband and I are expecting twins in November. They will be our first children. Every single time we see my MIL, which is fairly regularly, she makes several references to how our lives will change. So, we are going away for a few days this week, and we should enjoy it now because once we have the babies, it won't be so easy to get out and about.

And of course we should sleep now, because once we have the babies, we won't be doing much of that.

And obviously we won't be able to spend our money frivolously, so we should enjoy any new gadgets now because soon there won't be any more of that.

I'm finding this difficult for two reasons. The first is that the constant focus on our changing lives seems quite negative, and I'm already pretty nervous about having twins. Twins were very unexpected and, although I'm excited, it's a daunting proposition. I don't find it helpful to think of every activity as a 'last hurrah' before it all changes for the worse.

The second reason is that it's all pretty obvious. Of course I'll sleep less and it will be harder to get out and about and we'll have less money. We're having two babies! When we made the decision to TTC, it was always with the knowledge that we would be changing our lives if we were successful, and we're taking these 37 weeks to do our best to prepare.

Although these are examples from my MIL, lots of people seem to delight in giving us foreboding warnings about how difficult everything is about to become. AIBU to be a bit fed up with it? And how can I respond in a way that is polite, but also puts a stop to all of these warnings, which are inevitably delivered with a bit of a know-it-all tone?

"Having children will change your life"

When people started to tell me bad labour/birth stories when I was PG, I showed them the hand and asked them to please stop right now. I didn't want to hear it. After you've given birth, fine - it can be quite nice to talk about, compare stories etc. But while you are PG it's bad form (unless the PG person invites the discussion) and I think it's perfectly OK to NOT have that conversation.

I don't begrudge anyone talking about a bad labour if they feel they need too- its a very serious thing to go through and I know a lot of women have unresolved trauma.

However, my mil brings up her labours completely on her own, and proceeds to tell me how awful they were. How does that help a woman about to go through it? Already anxious and wondering a million things- how does hearing about your awful, awful time help me mentally prepare in a positive way? It doesnt.

X post with lovely unless asked by a pregnant woman I think its very bad form to harp on about your terrible labour to a woman who has yet to go through it.

I began to think I must be adopted when I was expecting Ds1. My mum had absolutely no opinions or advice on anything baby or pregnancy related. If I asked, she "couldn't remember"

God yes, the labour horror stories! I shut those down sharpish, just say, "I'm pregnant for the first time, why do you think I want to hear about that?" One person said she was trying to 'prepare' me and I said, "You're not preparing me because neither you nor I know what's going to happen in my labour. What you are doing is increasing my chance of a bad labour by making me even more stressed and scared than I already am. So if you don't stop, I am leaving this conversation." She looked affronted but she shut up.

Do you also find that the people who were the most keen to berate you for not having kids are now the keenest to tell you constantly how shit it's going to be?

Yes, it is bad form. I am not saying that it isn't . But I'm just trying to say that sometimes people act in socially inappropriate ways for reasons than just being cruel or arses.

XC - she had clearly read these threads

I had a male work colleague who couldn't stop telling me how terrible his wife's labour was and reminding me that I could die. I had zero fucks to give that day and I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Do not mansplain childbirth to me or I will strangle you with my umbilical cord." He looked terrified, withdrew and has avoided me ever since. GOOD.

Everybody loves a good horror story or at least sharing one

Saying 'I had a great labour and delivery' or 'parenthood was just like I imagined it would be' is just boring and nobody goes on about it. It's call 'reporting bias'

What is it with dressing gowns? Why are they vital garments for the birth process?

My mum bought me one, as like pp said, I'd need one.

10 years later and I've never worn it. I didn't take it to hospital as it took up so much room. Glad I didn't as post natal wards are hotter than hell. It's just awkward to wear and the sleeves get in my way.

Congrats on your twins OP! How exciting!

That kind of advice never ends though I'm afraid. I get sick to the back teeth of the 'just wait until' brigade. 'Just wait until you have a newborn and get no sleep', 'just wait until he's teething then you'll know what hell is', 'just wait until he's a teenager' etc etc etc

Everyone wants to give you the benefit of their (negative) experiences.

As a result I never ever say 'just wait until...' to any parents or parents to be and only offer advice if asked!

Except on MN, which is fair game.

You said that to someone at work Sheba Wow. He obviously needed to shut up. But, erm, that was rather aggressive for a colleague.

Micah - well if the OPs mother is older and stayed in a week or more you would use one. And lots of people find them useful for night feeds. I'm not saying everyone uses one. I'm saying I struggle to see what was so offensive about suggesting purchasing one.

It is hard but you just have to grin and bear it.

I knew my life would change, but didn't fully appreciate quite how much.

I still remember when DS was 4 or 5 I went away for 2 nights on a charity event. We were staying in a cottage and we realised when we got there that while we had brought most things nobody had thought to bring milk for cups of tea. So someone said "shall we go to the shop" "yes" and 2 minutes later the 10 of us were on our way. In 2 minutes. No calls of "shoes please. Have you got your coat. No put your shoe back on. Where are your socks. Arghhhh why did you just dip your coat in the litter tray, wear your other coat"
It was such a freedom to just decide to go to the shop and then, you know, go.

Little things like that. I think that some people just think they are being helpful when they point things out and use it as a conversation point when stuck.

Firstly congratulations of being pregnant and on it being twins.

Secondly this is where me being a sarcastic bitch serves me well. I would just reply with "really, I thought all newborns just slept all day" and "oh no, we fully intend to be buying the latest gadgets etc - we've been researching apps for babies and they'll be getting an iPad each for Christmas". If nothing else you'll enjoy watching their reaction trying to work out of your being serious or not!

Libraries, as I said, I really gave no fucks that day. Plus my boss was on leave :)

I don't think it was any ruder or more aggressive than some guy I hardly know trying to terrify me with labour horror stories and telling me I could die.

I realise that some people might be well meaning and just trying to prepare you, but my experience is that the vast majority just want to feel superior, more knowledgeable, whatever. The ones who genuinely want to help say things like, "By the way, make sure you always put him down when he falls asleep...a friend of mine didn't and it led to some sleep problems, so just to let you know." That, I can handle. "Bwa ha ha, you'll never sleep again, you're going to be so tired, oh you think you know that but you don't ha ha ha ha!" makes me murderous.

I think anyone who keeps on saying the same thing over and over can be exceptionally irritating, so yanbu about that. I think it's time for your dh or you to say "yes, yes, we know our lives are going to change forever, why do you keep saying this?" the next time she starts up.

Otoh, it really can't be said enough! You have NO IDEA. Mumsnet is stuffed to the rafters with posts saying "why did no one warn me?"

It is actually impossible to describe, even to exceptionally intelligent and clued-up people who have witnessed their very close friends and family having newborns, just how much everything changes. In much the same way as it is impossible to describe the pain of labour or the indignities of childbirth.

It really is best to have low expectations and work upwards

Good on you sheba I'm seeing my friend Saturday and shall prepare a similar response. libraries I'm a 34 year old woman with access to the Internet, have attended nct classes, have lots of friends and family with babies and crucially am not a complete idiot hence I know what I need to pack. I'm probably overreacting but I wish I'd be given some credit. I was reminded three times before the car was out of the driveway to put my seat belt on last week.

This is your training ground for smile and nod, repeat as often as necessary. Let it go in one ear and out the other.

Once you have the twins you will hear more nonsense spouted about young children and rearing them than you care to hear. Just smile and nod.

When I didn't want kids because I liked my life the way it was and didn't want change, sacrifice or responsibility, people couldn't stop criticising and judging and telling me I didn't know what I was missing etc etc etc. Now I'm pregnant, the same people can't stop telling me how shit it's going to be.

OP, are you reading What to Expect When You're Expecting? I was rereading the passage the other day about nerves and uncertainty. The author agreed it would be tough and life changing, but she finished by saying it would be worth it when hugging your baby in a quiet moment, adding, "Happy? Just you wait, Mum."

I honestly found the actual reality of being a parent better than the anticipation.

I was dreading it, and it was largely because of comments like the ones listed here. It sounds pathetic but they did upset me and made me feel bad.

Frangi, I know what you mean but I am reminded me of my Dad - 'ooh, well, you know what you WILL need?'
We thought something really vital we hadn't thought of. Dad grins and says
'A pram!"

No, don't stress.

Have them and love them. It's that simple. Honest :)

Whenever someone starts with the gloomy birth/parenting predictions, my mother just says 'And yet so many of us do it time and time again' and smiles.

My first child slept very well from the off. Nothing to do with me, just pure luck. People would ask about sleep and seem almost annoyed when I was able to say it wasn't a problem. Then they would come back with 'Ah, but your second is bound to be a horror show'. Nope, also slept well.

The point is, the warnings are true in a general sense (babies are life-changing and hard work) and useless as a specific warning to you, because you have no idea what your babies will be like and how you will feel about it. You'll get told about the sleep thing endless times, but that isn't actually a reliable predictor of how well your children will sleep. So keep reminding yourself that what your MIL says means nothing. She has no more idea of what your particular children will be like than you do.

But do get your DH to ask her why she keeps repeating herself.

Frangipani - But you don't need to pack a dressing gown.

It sounds like she can be very annoying and repetitive. That is frustrating . It does t make everything she said ridiculous and patronising. Suggesting you get a dressing gown is just chat, unless your issues with each other are too great for it to be. People know you've been to NCT and Google. Most of the time they are just trying to be nice.

I remember how it feels to be hormonal and pregnant and approaching parenthood like a project that you can research and prepare for so I will step away now.

Oh, my expectations are low. In fact, one thing I've struggled with is the fear that I won't be able to enjoy my babies because it will be Just. Too. Hard. I could picture myself with one, and I imagined this little bubble in those first few weeks of my husband, baby and me, all muddling through together, sharing difficult times but also lovely cuddles and being able to lavish all our attention on this gorgeous infant.

Now I picture myself sitting on the sofa, topless, trying to tandem feed and sobbing because the second I get one feeding the other stops and vice versa. That's the pattern I fear most of the time: that I'll get one sorted and it will all go wrong with the other. And of course I'm scared that I'll be shit at it all. I'm not from this country, my mom died years ago, and now I'm having two babies.

Even if it's a total lie, I would love for my MIL (or anyone else) to say, 'Wow, that sounds like it'll be a challenge, but I bet you'll do great. And if you need any help, please let me know.'

I love my dressing gown - it was utterly useless in hospital but I have lived in it rather a lot since. I've had it for 12 years and it's still going strong, so the investment was worth it IMO. But no, you don't 'need' one for hospital.