To ask why people hate fussy eaters?

[StarlingMurmuration]

I can see why people might find it annoying if they've invited a fussy eater to dinner and he or she won't eat anything that's been prepared, but why does it seem to annoy people otherwise, if they're unaffected? I've often seen it said on MN that being a picky eater is "attention seeking", is that what many people think?

Full disclaimer: I have a lot of issues with the texture or smell of certain foods, and have done since I was a child. I'm a lot better now (e.g. up til my late 20s I couldn't bear things with sauce on them, and I had to separate all my food out, I couldn't take a mixed bite of things like veg AND meat) and now I'm always willing to try something new but there are certain things I can't eat without heaving, so I refuse to attempt them. I still find eating at people's houses quite stressful because I worry they'll serve something I don't like, and even eating in restaurants can be hard work because there's often only one or at the most two things I fancy on the menu. I swear it's not attention-seeking - I hate people noticing when I don't clear my plate, or commenting on my fussiness. I'd love to feel able to eat anything, it would make my life so much easier.

Probably because their parents pandered to them and didn't make them eat their veg, Mintyy.

I'd also like to point out at this juncture that while brick continually claims she'd rather the attention wasn't on her in regard to this issue, she's rather successfully managed to make a 13-page thread all about her and her food issues when it wasn't even her thread to begin with. I'd say that's pretty attention-seeking behaviour, personally.

Oh and I'll tell you something else. Try going to Italy with someone who has a made up dairy allergy. Nightmare!

"But I can't eat cheese, I'm allergic to dairy" Italians of course smother everything with bloody cheese! Which of course most people with a brain know before going there.

Lots of heaving and sulking when trying to find something to eat...

Then to add insult to injury she spent most of the time gorging herself on gelato (ice cream). How can you eat ice cream when you've got a dairy allergy?! She didn't have a dairy allergy, she just doesn't like cheese! Which is fair enough, but why not just say "I don't like cheese" instead of pretending to have an allergy?

Often because they have a slightly bitter taste Mintyy.

PrimalLass - I don't expect anyone to force anything down. But equally I don't expect groups of friends to have to dumb down their restaurant choices because of a single fussy eater. If you are the one person who constantly dictates the choice of restaurant, sometimes the right thing to do is to occasionally politely refuse the invitation.

It's not about forcing people to eat stuff, just why picky eating can make other people uncomfortable. I've a friend who I only see infrequently, usually for a meal, he is fussy but we quietly deal with it by he always chooses where to eat beforehand. That solves his issue with wanting to know the menu first and quietly acknowledges that I get a bit anxious if I'm not sure where next meal is coming from...that's probably a whole other thread...

Yep, all vegetables have a bitter taste. So true.

When I hear about people like your friend who has a dairy allergy but who can eat ice cream, Rhine, I always wonder why the witnesses to this sort of nonsense don't say anything? I would have no problem with saying to anyone "eh, that's a funny dairy allergy when you can scoff ice cream all the livelong day?"

I was a fussy eater as a child - if it didn't look or smell nice I wouldn't eat it, and refused all veg on principle. I improved as I got older, but still refused vegetables. I think it was because I'd made such a big deal of it, I was almost scared to try them (sounds weird I know but that's how I felt). I do eat some veg now, and am a lot more open to trying new things. I have sympathy with fussy eaters - being told that it's only food doesn't help anyone. It does annoy me sometimes when people insist we cater to their likes/dislikes when going for a meal (if there are loads of likes/dislikes). I'm still a bit fussy on how veg is cooked, so I avoid the Toby carvery if possible, and and as that's my only request friends don't mind. If we do go there though (for a friends meal or similar), I dont complain or make a fuss and order a baguette. I think that's the important thing - be as fussy as you like but don't make other people pander to you.

DH has cut down on dairy for health reasons. This means no ice-cream or chocolate. I don't like paying upwards of £2 for cornets when out and about and don't really like ice-cream. The DC were feeling really deprived but have now discovered the pleasure of eating ice-cream in front of their Dad to torment him when at home. Not sure how this is going to impact on their social skills.

I went on holiday with someone who wouldn't eat in the evenings. At dinner time, she'd kind of follow me around, let me choose somewhere to eat, sit there with me and have a drink, while I ate my meal. It wasn't fun at all. None of the pleasure of looking at restaurants and menus together, making a decision to try something that one or the other of you might not be sure about, figuring out the menu, sampling each other's dishes, commenting on the whole experience and what you liked or not, savouring it all over a coffee or dessert afterwards. It just isn't the same when you're doing it by yourself and someone else is sitting there watching. We only did it a couple of times, and then I just ended up getting some quick, food-as-fuel meal somewhere because there wasn't much point spending money on another experience that was then uncomfortable.

I wouldn't have dreamed of forcing her to eat something, obviously, nor made comments about it. But it did spoil things. It cut out that aspect of the holiday, and it wasn't as much fun. We've not been on holiday together again, though we are still friends. There is something about the whole social side of eating out, together, that is a cultural, social thing. And when someone won't/can't/doesn't take part in it, things change. Sometimes they can't help it, sometimes they can, but that doesn't really matter - the point is that there is a difference when someone isn't involved in that whole ritual.

I don't think I'm particularly special or interesting or worth people going to a huge amount of effort to spend time with me if I don't participate in the usual things, in as normal a way as possible. Others might be different. They might say "my company should be plenty, and if people want to spend time with me, they'll accommodate my choices to sit there and eat nothing". And maybe there are much funnier or interesting or better company than I am, because I doubt my company would be enough for that. I think people would - maybe annoyed is too strong a word - but just not positively enjoy the time with me enough to want to build a friendship out of it, if I were always difficult about that. I have enough other things that might be challenging!

I have had to work hard at overcoming some eating difficulties, but I have been able to, to a large extent. There are still several things I would really prefer not to have to eat or smell, but I can and will cope, again because I feel the onus is on me to make myself fit in to the group rather than be fussy. I have learned to swallow things I wouldn't choose on my own. I have even started to like certain things. It has taken a long time, and it would have been much easier and preferable not to, but I felt I had to find a way to get over it as I was ashamed of being seen as fussy and all the other things that go with it (narrow minded, stuck in a rut, etc etc).

Mintyy you can get dairy-free ice cream, you know. I've bought that when I've had someone round who couldn't have normal ice cream.

I also recall reading on a thread here that someone can have an allergy to something like milk protein, which isn't the same as a dairy allergy, so the foods they eat could look a bit odd and if you didn't know there was a difference.

Oh, Cats, I'm so sorry Wishing you a successful and tolerable recovery.

For me everything about food is enjoyable. I love shopping for it, I love preparing it, I love eating it but above anything else I love cooking for other people. I love a challenge and if you are eating at my house and you have an an allergy you can be sure I'll have worked hard at preparing a meal for you. However as a host I'd be mortified if you didn't eat anything without any explanation. I wouldn't be able to stop myself from trying to find you something to eat, and I would probably be a little upset that I hadn't been able to cater for you. You wouldn't be invited back.

Yes, of course I know you can get dairy-free ice cream!

Presumably Rhine would have known whether or not her acquaintance was eating dairy-free ice cream?

Re the selective dairy allergy sufferers.

I have a relative who claims to be allergic to egg, but only whole cooked eggs.

She is able to eat egg if it is mixed into cakes, custards or mayonnaise .

Re the dairy allergy thing - a dairy allergy is an allergy to cows' milk protein. My DD has this.
Lactose intolerance is different, and you can get some lactose free dairy products.
There are also people (mainly migraine sufferers) who can't have cheese, but are OK with dairy products otherwise.
Also, people with allergies can sometimes, not always, tolerate a small quantity of the allergen if well processed. My DD can eat biscuits that contain milk, but a glass of milk would make her sick.
So it's not simple!

work just like my Nan, god love her. Carries around a little flask of soy milk everywhere as she apparently can't have cow's milk in tea - perfectly happy to eat an entire tub of Haagen-Dazs and/or pavlova smothered in double cream

My mil can't eat cheese, chocolate or citrus (due to migraine) but she doesn't claim to have allergies.

I find it funny when people call fussy eaters (for that, read "people who won't force anything and everything down") selfish, and then complain about "poor me, they won't eat anything I cook, boo hoo". Sorry if I refuse to make myself sick to eat your food.

A person with an egg allergy might be able to eat cakes containing well cooked egg, but not a soft boiled egg or omelette. I'm a bit suspicious about the mayonnaise though....

And anyone with a "dairy allergy" who eats cream is, in my opinion, bull-shitting.

I'm reasonably well informed on this because of DD. And when you have to deal with real allergies, it does make people with fussiness disguised as "allergies" quite annoying.

That said a friend claims to be allergic to chocolate but was happy she could still eat red velvet cake because there's no chocolate in it. Ate the cake with no negative effects. Nice chocolate allergy.

I have a relative who claims to be allergic to egg, but only whole cooked eggs.

She is able to eat egg if it is mixed into cakes, custards or mayonnaise

This is actually a thing, although obviously not a true allergy, but it's definitely some kind of intolerance, something to do with the white, because I have exactly the same problem. I can't eat egg white (the yolk alone is ok) if it's a fried egg, scrambled, omletted, anything like that because it'll give me terrible stomach pains for hours afterwards, and forget a meringue, but cooked into a cake or a pastry it's fine. I don't know why, but I'd love to know the scientific reason for it. Perhaps something about the quantity? I don't know.

I wonder if there are "fussy eaters" in 3rd world countries, where they don't have enough to eat or just starve to death?

That was probably supposed to be clever, but is vicious in fact. Yes, they do and, yes, they die.

Most Westerners also don't realise there is widespread rice gluten intolerance in Asia, which gets as serious as coeliac. Chickpeas are another common staple that has this effect on many people.

Greenwich - en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Egg_allergy#Egg_white_intolerance

Of course they don't all have a bitter taste Mintyy but a lot of them aren't sweet or are usually eaten swimming in butter/cream to make them more palatable which says something about their flavour. I'm not entirely sure what point you're making.

I have said something to my friend who claims she can't eat dairy yet eats her own body weight in cheese but she's remarkably thick-skinned about it

My DS is quite a fussy eater. He was okay up until about 14 months and then became increasingly fussy. His first Christmas he ate a bit of everything and the next year he had a slice of dry bread as it was all I could get him to eat.

I couldn't even get him to eat ice cream or sweets. He had a bad case of impetigo as a toddler and it was almost impossible to get him to take the medicine. If I baked biscuits or bread he would stand in the kitchen retching from the smell of them cooking. It was a definite problem for him that he couldn't control, he wasn't choosing to be fussy. It has been very difficult as it's so upsetting when your child won't eat but it's made so much worse by all those people who love to tell you you're pandering to your child etc

I think he must have some sort of sensory issues. He was a very cuddly child but would be on the verge of a panic attack having shoes fitted, getting his hair cut, going to the doctor's to be examined etc. Food seemed to have the same effect on him.

My brothers had both been fussy eaters as kids but were absolutely fine by their late teens. My mum told me not to waste energy worrying about it as it would sort itself out in time. I also knew a paediatric dietician socially who told me that he was actually getting all the nutrition he needed from the few foods he would eat.

I wasn't a massively fussy eater but I definitely wasn't in the 'will eat anything' brigade. I'm very aware that the few foods I won't eat now are those that people tried to force me to eat as a child (e.g. baked beans, tinned ravioli). I remember dinner ladies standing over me telling me I'd be there until I'd eaten it and knowing I couldn't because I'd be sick.

He's now 14 and is so much better. He's not great with anything with a sauce but will give it a vague try if he has to (at other people's houses). I think he'll be fine once he's an adult. He's definitely not attention seeking. No way does he want people talking about how fussy he is!

My DD is quite different. She's fussy but not in the same way as DS. She can push herself to eat things she's not keen on if she has to. She'll eat something in a sauce by picking out the bits she likes rather than not being able to contemplate it. She'd have been a better eater if DS was as we would have encouraged her more if we hadn't had to relax everything so much for DS's sake.