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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask why people hate fussy eaters?

418 replies

StarlingMurmuration · 29/08/2015 15:06

I can see why people might find it annoying if they've invited a fussy eater to dinner and he or she won't eat anything that's been prepared, but why does it seem to annoy people otherwise, if they're unaffected? I've often seen it said on MN that being a picky eater is "attention seeking", is that what many people think?

Full disclaimer: I have a lot of issues with the texture or smell of certain foods, and have done since I was a child. I'm a lot better now (e.g. up til my late 20s I couldn't bear things with sauce on them, and I had to separate all my food out, I couldn't take a mixed bite of things like veg AND meat) and now I'm always willing to try something new but there are certain things I can't eat without heaving, so I refuse to attempt them. I still find eating at people's houses quite stressful because I worry they'll serve something I don't like, and even eating in restaurants can be hard work because there's often only one or at the most two things I fancy on the menu. I swear it's not attention-seeking - I hate people noticing when I don't clear my plate, or commenting on my fussiness. I'd love to feel able to eat anything, it would make my life so much easier.

OP posts:

itsraininginbaltimore · 30/08/2015 21:44

I've been thinking about this thread and the question in the OP a lot today I've come to the conclusion that it's not just fussy eaters that irritate people, it's fussiness and inflexibility in general. High maintenance of any sort is irritating to be around.

People feel happiest and most comfortable in the company of easy people, and easy to please people. What everyone wants from the company they keep is a harmonious atmosphere, low maintenance, positivity, fun, spontaneity, flexibility, a 'can do' attitude, or at least a 'prepared to give it a try' attitude.

What they don't like is awkwardness, limitations, difficulties, inflexibility, negativity and an unwillingness to compromise.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 30/08/2015 21:54

I think that's very true Baltimore.

jorahmormont · 30/08/2015 22:12

When people say eating is a social experience, a vital part of human communication, whatever, it makes me shudder. Eating is just something to get through and then get back to socialising, or an excuse to socialise. I can never picture myself enjoying a meal with people for the food - I enjoy the company, the chat, the atmosphere. The food is such a tiny part of that.

If people want to share that 'experience', they should a) make sure their guests consider it an experience too, and b) maybe cook something they know the guests will enjoy? Otherwise it's very selfish - "You WILL have food with me and you WILL eat what I enjoy, otherwise you're fussy and high maintenance".

I can't bear the thought of someone studying my reactions while I eat or making a huge deal out of the food aspect.

mathanxiety · 30/08/2015 22:17

When I am entertaining I do appetisers, sometimes a soup or salad, sometimes cheese, and the main meal with one dessert, plus tea and coffee and alcohol. The meal is usually simple and so is the dessert as I do not want to be worn out from a day in the kitchen or an hour cleaning it all up and want to have enough energy left to enjoy the meal too after I have cooked it. I generally cook an 'ethnic' dish such as paella or something Italian or middle eastern or Moroccan. The point of meals when I entertain is to have fun together, not to eat a Michelin five star banquet. If you want that you go to a five star restaurant. To me, the aim of dining with friends is to engage with everyone else and what everyone else is doing and talking about.

YY to what I want 'from the company ... is a harmonious atmosphere, low maintenance, positivity, fun, spontaneity, flexibility, a 'can do' attitude, or at least a 'prepared to give it a try' attitude.' This isn't rude or demanding or limiting anyone's freedom without a promise of anything in return. I offer fun and relaxation and a nice evening with nice company and booze.

And YY to what I don't like 'awkwardness, limitations, difficulties, inflexibility, negativity and an unwillingness to compromise.'

AugustDay · 30/08/2015 22:46

Liara I could relate to the story of the kids all turning down MacDonalds as I once saw a big group of extremely poor street kids in a very third world African country turn their noses up at buttered toast. They would eat scraps out the bins but buttered toast was a step too far.

LyndaNotLinda · 30/08/2015 22:59

jorah - if you feel like that, just say 'thanks but I don't like eating out' when you're invited to dinner/out to a restaurant. Then no one will put you under any undue pressure to actually enjoy food.

I'm surprised you don't already know that.

easytoforget · 30/08/2015 23:00

When I was a child i got so much hassle for being fussy. Now I'm an adult i have discovered that everyone is fussy in some way but some are better at giving it fancy name and getting away with it.

AugustDay · 30/08/2015 23:05

I'm a bit perplexed at this thread. I'm in my fifties and must have eaten with friends and extended family hundreds and hundreds of times - at my house, at friends houses and at restaurants - and I can't think of of any of any of us who care one way or another about 'fussy eaters' It's just not an issue.

I think we are pretty normal Some people are fussier than others but I can't think it's ever been a problem.

I am friends with a family who are very very strict vegans and we've jointly worked out that meals together don't really work for our two families so we just get together for drinks and snacks. No one is outraged or offended by it. We have fun together and don't sit there judging the crap out of each other as, I suspect, half the posters on this thread would.

Prelude · 30/08/2015 23:10

Vegetables are not always a problem for fussy eaters. I've never been able to stomach meat or fish so I had many meals which were just veg and potatoes as a child. My parents didn't know that I should have alternative protein such as an egg or cheese (which I can and do eat) in one form or another.

My DS (who is autistic) is the same. I read, Can't Eat won't Eat when he was first diagnosed. It's very validating, but I actually felt a bit jealous of the parents with DC who would actually eat chicken nuggets because other than milk I couldn't get any protein into him.

bluesbaby · 30/08/2015 23:48

Babyganoush Actually I've found that it's other people at the table who make a terrific fuss when I've been quite happy to have a small portion of veg and just not have the meat / whatever weird stuff I can't stomach (muscles, black pudding, liver...)!! Without fail it's always other people who feel the need to point it out instead of just cracking on with their own meal....

I've got to a point where I actually enjoy food, as an adult, and (sometimes) enjoy food preparation (but not always). I had big issues with food as a kid, I was terrified of food poisoning, and hated eating at other people's houses where I couldn't tell how safely they'd cooked food, and especially at certain houses where I knew the kitchen was filhy, I just wouldn't eat. At all. As a result I just kindof got used to never being totally full, and by the age of 14/15 couldn't stand the sensation of having a full belly. I'd hazard a guess that other children are similar, and once they're used to feeling half empty, probably dislike the "fullness" sensation.

shishagrrrl gastric bands are a big deal, and there's a hugely long process to have it done, including therapy to make sure the underlying issue is treated so the client won't die from complications from over-eating after the band is fitted. There's a set of criteria the client must fit before they are allowed to be operated on i.e. BMI at certain limit, high body fat percentage, classed as morbidly obese. It's not for people who want to get skinny!! It's for people who will die without the surgery.

bluesbaby · 30/08/2015 23:53

shishagrrrl A friend of mine had the surgery a couple of years after going through the process the previous 3 years. She's done terrifically and it's given her a new lease of life - she's been able to leave the house, make friends, get a boyfriend, get a job, etc.
She didn't have a social life before to "miss" in relation to food ! She didn't leave the house.

NinjaLeprechaun · 31/08/2015 00:33

AugustDay You're right, most people don't seem to care - but the people who are bothered by it seem to care an awful lot. For reasons that I don't really understand.

GoogleBoggle · 31/08/2015 00:59

Shishagirl I find your responses really odd - you admit that your full knowledge of gastric bands comes from watching TV and then you go on to have an opinion on how gastric surgeons should change the way they practice?! You know nothing about it so why the bloody hell are you criticising the way it's done? It is life saving surgery for people who have serious, life-limiting eating disorders. As a PP said, it's done as a huge process (by skilled professionals who know more about it than can be learned just by watching shit carcrash weight loss TV shows) and the patient's ability to enjoy food with friends afterwards is not actually the main priority. I literally have no idea why you are bringing gastric banding into this as it has nothing to do with being fussy.

GoogleBoggle · 31/08/2015 01:02

It's statements like this that get my goat: I will eat almost any vegetable in quantity if it's processed into a blended soup, but then can't even bear to put the same vegetable in my mouth if it's whole. I get that it's a texture thing, but it's the 'can't even bear to put it in my mouth' drama which I think is just self indulgence.

Not to mention in the same post: I'm also another one who can eat some foods if they're cooked, but not raw, because whatever it is I'm intolerant to 'cooks out'. Although, oddly, I'm the opposite with lactose - anything make with warm/hot milk (for instance, cocoa) will make me feel quite ill, but I can drink cold milk. - absolute and utter poppycock that is not supported by any science whatsoever, yet this person truly believes that their food intolerance 'cooks out' of some food and 'cooks into' some other foods. This is exactly the kind of nonsense that people find so irritating, especially as the fussy people seem to truly believe their own nonsense with absolutely no medical or scientific evidence whatsoever.

NinjaLeprechaun · 31/08/2015 01:54

No, because of course cooking causes no chemical changes in food. There's no scientific evidence for it.
That's why bread doesn't rise when you bake it, egg yolks don't harden when you boil them, and meat doesn't tenderize when you roast it. Also, any property to which a person might have an intolerance never, ever changes so that it's easier (or more difficult) for that person to digest.
Because science.

LondonZoo · 31/08/2015 02:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 31/08/2015 02:48

Meat tends to turn to the consistency of old boots when I roast it.

LondonZoo · 31/08/2015 02:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 31/08/2015 03:16

That sounds sensible. I haven't roasted anything for a while because results were disappointing. My mum's method was to put meat in at a high temperature and then when there was smoke coming from the oven, turn it down. When smoke comes out of my oven the fire alarm goes off so it is never sealed the way mum gets it. I tend to compensate by roasting at a slightly higher temp all the way through, sort of an average. This hasn't really worked out well.

Garrick · 31/08/2015 04:51

AugustDay You're right, most people don't seem to care - but the people who are bothered by it seem to care an awful lot.

Yh - I hid this thread as it's like looking into a parallel world, but keep coming back for a sneak peek to see if it's stopped going round in the same peculiar circle yet!

Garrick · 31/08/2015 04:54

it's so obvious, to me anyway, that fussy eaters really don't comprehend at all why their fussiness is awkward

... but at the same time, the overwhelming entertainers don't seem to realise they're being just as high maintenance ...

Mermaidhair · 31/08/2015 06:17

Well I have learnt something today, people will turn down food even if they are starving/don't have enough to eat because they are "fussy" "dislike the texture". I wonder then if they are just being rude? I would never go to someone's house and say sorry I can't eat mushrooms. I just chew them quickly and swallow them down. I "dislike the texture", but that looses compared to me being rude.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 31/08/2015 06:31

I don't know... Why is it so bloody irritating. Good question.

I think I see it as a weakness, the same way I would if a grown up can't eat in public, or needs to face a certain way on the train, or has to use special gel after using a public loo...

But why is that annoying to me? I suppose I get enough of it from the kids and find it a bit pathetic as an adult.

I suppose I'm jealous that someone has time/energy to faff about something as petty as food because I mostly eat the kids leftovers and haven't cooked a meal purely for myself for years.

Mehitabel6 · 31/08/2015 06:55

I see it as very irritating and something they should have grown out of. Someone pandered to them as children rather than giving them the choice of 'take it or leave it' - had they not been offered alternatives they wouldn't have starved!

greenwichjelly · 31/08/2015 07:07

I think you're read the wrong thread, jorah, or at least have misunderstood this one, because nobody has said that at all.

Bricks, on the other hand, seems to want the freedom on the day to be able to refuse the food she's told her hosts in advance she will enjoy. The food that they've likely gone to incredible time and effort to make sure she has and can enjoy, because she's so fussy in the first place. She sounds like an utter nightmare. That's not fussy eating. That's control-freakery and unbelievable rudness and bad manners.

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