To ask why people hate fussy eaters?

[StarlingMurmuration]

I can see why people might find it annoying if they've invited a fussy eater to dinner and he or she won't eat anything that's been prepared, but why does it seem to annoy people otherwise, if they're unaffected? I've often seen it said on MN that being a picky eater is "attention seeking", is that what many people think?

Full disclaimer: I have a lot of issues with the texture or smell of certain foods, and have done since I was a child. I'm a lot better now (e.g. up til my late 20s I couldn't bear things with sauce on them, and I had to separate all my food out, I couldn't take a mixed bite of things like veg AND meat) and now I'm always willing to try something new but there are certain things I can't eat without heaving, so I refuse to attempt them. I still find eating at people's houses quite stressful because I worry they'll serve something I don't like, and even eating in restaurants can be hard work because there's often only one or at the most two things I fancy on the menu. I swear it's not attention-seeking - I hate people noticing when I don't clear my plate, or commenting on my fussiness. I'd love to feel able to eat anything, it would make my life so much easier.

I don't think you need to shame them or force them to eat things. I would just avoid them.

I just often secretly wish that what they would offer me in return would be the freedom to eat some parts of a meal, without pressure, rather than making a whole meal planned to my requirements, with all the pressure and feeling of guilt that goes along with that.

If a whole meal is made to your requirements, there's absolutely no reason why you shouldn't be able to eat it.

Or are you saying that someone could make a meal to cater exactly to your extreme pickiness and you still might not be able to eat it "on the day" ? Because that is UTTERLY controlling, rude and unreasonable.

Elderly relatives with tiny appetites would likely have the manners to eat what they could manage and then excuse themeslves as being full up and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. There is something EXTREMELY wrong with someone catering to your pickiness and you STILL refusing what they make.

You really should probably refuse invitations to do with food, bricks. If you want do be included in social situations, then why don't YOU plan something that doesn't revolve around food?

I would put money on most of the anti-fussy-eaters actually having their own troubled relationships with food.

This made me laugh. Being fed up with one person dictating every night means you have an eating disorder? Really?

Brick this is a genuine question. You say that if a menu has been designed around you the non fussy eaters have less pressure when they say they don't like anything and can decline it, because you were forced to approve the menu. Why would you it like it, if you approves it?

Also since you refuse food (and the menu was created so you could be included) why does it bother you that other people refuse food?

I can't see any alternative. Obviously the host wants you to be involved, she obviously wants you to actually eat something while you are there (maybe because it makes her uncomfortable or maybe she really wants you to feel included) so is doin what she can, but you still don't like it.

That's what I am saying about compromise. As a coeliac I compromise and on occasion so do other people. Sometimes I can't go where everyone else does, it sucks a bit. Most of the time I can. And if someone went out of their way to cook a meal I could have, I wouldn't see and negative sides to it. Even if other people weren't that keen on the food. I would appreciate the gesture.

I have had friends who have attempted gluten free products. And there were awful, but I appreciated the gesture. Because of the thought behind it.

And as a hostess I'd always make an effort to accommodate people's needs / wants.

So would I, but what bricks is continually saying is that this isn't good enough either. This is "too much pressure".

Sorry why wouldnt you like it if you approve it

From bricks' posts, it seems she lives in a world where it's normal for people to refuse some or most of meals.

She talks about non-fussy people having the "freedom" to refuse bits of a meal they don't like, as if this is something that regularly happens.

This, to me, is so weird. And demonstrates how fussiness - in some social groups - must be the norm. In my friendship group, everyone just eats everything. Last week we went away as a large group and everyone just ate together, no picking, no leaving bits out,no special requests (unless you count checking the cakes didn't have nuts in,before eating).

Maybe this says something about the people I associate with. Outdoorsy, down to earth and good fun. Or maybe it's an age thing - most of us are 30s rather than 20s. But these situations where each person in a group has their own special food demands is not, IME, the "norm."

From bricks' posts, it seems she lives in a world where it's normal for people to refuse some or most of meals.

I agree. I think she's probably been pandered to by overindulgent parents in a "Oh, it's alright sweetheart, you don't have to eat it if you don't want it, here's your bread and cheese instead" kind of way, and now is having a shock in the real world that actual social interactions around food don't work like that.

brick - you make such a big deal about wanting to be included in social situations, but may I ask what exactly you think you're bringing to these social situations? Do you even understand how social situations surrounding food are supposed to work? I'm guessing not. Social situations involving food are a bit of a social contract and you must also play your part if you do not wish to be rude. If you don't like that, then don't go to social situations involving food. It's really very simple. If you expect people to make the effort to include you and your extreme faddiness then you must ALSO make an effort in return, ie, eating what they make for you, not STILL expecting them not to "pressure" you even when a meal is planned (at considerable effort on the part of the hostess, no doubt) to your exacting requirements.

My oldest DS was a very fussy eater.

I taught him he can eat or not eat what he likes (don't brlieve in putting pressure on), but isn't allowed to make a fuss. At a friend's house, he should just say "thank you, this was/is delicious, I am just not very hungry today". He used to gag, say he HATED certain foods, push his plate away. But that simple rule of basic politeness has gone a long way.

If I hear an adult say :"yuck! Fish makes me heave, OMG are you really going to eat that! I'm gonna be sick YUCK" I think they are just bad mannered.

I don't think: "Oh she has food issues poor thing" but "she is so rude"

Eat what you like or don't. But don't make a self centered fuss.

Ultimately, having rules sbout what you eat is normal enough (halal, kosher, veganism, diets etc.) just don't make yourself the centre if attention over something so uninteresting to others.

I don't think it's at all clear cut and whilst I think that it's perfectly acceptable to make allowances for people's food preferences (reasonable or otherwise) I don't think it's acceptable to make allowances for bad manners.

If I ask people if there is anything they won't eat before hosting them I will respect what they tell me. If I do that and they still go "ugh" or make a face when something is put in front of them I feel I have their measure and yes I judge them on their lack of good grace.

I think it's interesting. We eat probably everything as a family and I am a skilled home cook, properly taught, with an understanding of food that goes way beyond a basic interest.

We have two children reared in the same stable and both pretty much grown up now. Their natural likes and dislikes are interesting:

DS: Pretty much anything but not keen on spicy food, mashed potatoes, root veg, mousse, (a texture thing I think), avocado, and has developed an intolerance to lactose. Absolutely loves casseroles and anything in a sauce - spag bol is meal of choice on return from uni.

DD: Has always eaten things like a chop, steak, fillet of plaice, vegetables, mash and mousse are big favourites, since the age of 4 (when a dinner lady put gravy on her cucumber and made her eat it) she has declined all sauces and gravies. We took this very gently because of the wide variety of foods she would eat. Gradually she started eating things in a white sauce: fish pie, chicken Veronique, macaroni cheese, carbonara, cauli cheese, etc.. Eventually, I realised when she was about 10/11 so very late that what she really didn't like was cooked tomato and that was why she refused pizza, spag bol, and other tomato based dishes. She still isn't keen on a casserole and pick out the meat and avoid the gravy but, and she's 16 now, she has recently started eating a dish if it comes with a jus or a light gravy or sauce and I am so pleased.

I have never ever forced or interfered with her food. I was only ever "picky" because my mother did that with me and sat there "eat this", "try this", poking her fork into my plate. It made meal times very stressful and I remember as a child sitting and be starving hungry but refusing food because it was the only way I could exert some control over her interference which actually went way beyond food.

And to cut to the chase - I am a recovered anorexic - the lowest my weight dropped was 7.8 in my 20s and I got a wake up call when I fainted and went to my GP and turned myself round with minimal support and not really many people actually knowing.

Food and eating are complex and are as much about external influences and love in my opinion and I can excuse people's fussiness or pickiness providing they are straightforward about it and don't criticise what everyone else is eating which is just bad manners.

I wonder if there are "fussy eaters" in 3rd world countries, where they don't have enough to eat or just starve to death? I hate mushrooms and dislike their texture. But I still eat them. Special needs/allergies aside, anyone else is just being precious.

If I'm cooking for people I do like to know if they have and food requirements (allergies,dislikes, fussiness etc) so I can at least try to accommodate. I tend to do as a pp said and put all food separately out on the table and let people help themselves. (My mum plates up and I always feel anxious about the vast quantities in expected to eat...)

It's easier for me apart from washing upEasier for guests.

I have a friend who is coeliac. She always wants to eat out and always chooses a great Italian place. Then complains that she has to bring her own pasta (then will do gluten free but she has a preferred brand) it always makes me smile and think "you bloody chose this place!!!!!"

My sister won't eat veg. She's almost 30 and refuses to eat it. It makes her sick immediately apparently. it doesn't for years we've all been whizzing it up in pasta sauces, bread (herb courgettebread anyone?) and more recently in cake. No reaction. It's only if you put the veg on her plate will she vom.

I'd rather be a fussy eater than a busybody cunt who can't understand that not everybody likes the same food.

But that's just my opinion :)

Haven't read the whole thread but I shall add my two pennorth.

It depends on the attitude of the fussy eater. One I know is a PITA. If we go out we can't go to Pizza Hut, she doesn't like Pizzas. Or Indian or Chinese. Fish is off the menu as well because it has a fucking face! She doesn't like pasta. So eating out is a nightmare. When we do eventually find somewhere she'll order a bowl of chips and proclaim loudly that it's the only thing on the menu she can have like it's everyone else's problem. It's offputting and fucking rude when she's sitting there with face on all martyred like she's been forced to eat the fucking chips! But no, it's because she doesn't like anything and she makes it all about her.

I agree Mrs.

It's the fussy eaters who dictate the choice of restaurant so it fits in with their limited preferences so everyone else has to compromise and misses out on the opportunity to eat somewhere interesting that annoy me.

Especially as they then go and order something that you could get anywhere, like chips .

Oh mermaid. Depression doesn't exist in third world counties either, other than full on demon possessed madness. My Dh was brought up in Sri Lanka, quite poor, and his mum really struggled to get him to eat. He's the kind of person now who forces himself to do virtually everything, little enjoyment of life.

You sound like you have an actual problem with food, one that probably needs sorting out. I used to be a fussy eater after many years of anorexia, as bread was the only "safe" food I could eat. It was problematic, and I was not having a healthy diet.

What does annoy me, is fad diet fans who need to brag/preach and judge those who eat normal food. That's what bothers me.

I wonder if there are "fussy eaters" in 3rd world countries, where they don't have enough to eat or just starve to death? I hate mushrooms and dislike their texture. But I still eat them. Special needs/allergies aside, anyone else is just being precious.

This is a prime example of the lack of understanding people seem to have regarding this subject. I don't have special needs or allergies but I still struggle with texture and taste, its not something I can just get over and believe me I've been working on it all my adult life and have made some progress but It's not something I can just change overnight because some ignorant people think I'm being 'precious'.

I don't hate fussy eaters in general but its hard work to our for a meal with one. My sis is a very fussy eater, I'm a vegatarian so if we're going out for a country pub type meal will expect 3 veggie mains to choose from one if which will contain mushrooms I'm not a fan but I'll always pick one from my limited options. We have to go to country pubs style eateries as sis will not eat Spanish, most Italian, Indian, Chinese and Mexican :( it has to be completely plain meat and even if we say order off menu without sauce if there's not something she can view online beforehand that she would eat she won't go. Its a real pain the arse- she was starting to get slighty better a few years ago started eating a couple differebt things but seems to have conpletely given up now :(

OP you don't sound like a fussy eater to me. You sound like someone who has a genuine issue with textures and some foods. To me that is not a fussy eater.

Many years ago dd1 had a " friend" in primary school. She was a fussy eater.

Came about in things like

She would not eat carrots if they were not cut julienne. So not if they were cut in a slice or given to her whole - this was raw or in cooked form.

She would only eat Farfalle pasta (No spaghetti penne fusilli tagliatelle etc)

She would only eat peas if they were from 1 particular brand (I can't recall what the brand was) wouldn't touch supermarket own stuff.

Would only eat Sainsburys own baked beans Not Heinz etc etc

If she was eating pasta and sauce with garlic bread. She would only eat it if it was served up in a particular way. Garlic bread had to be at 6 30 pm on plate and cut into slices that again was cut in half and pasta (farfalle remember) had to be at 10 and sauce then added in little drops all over..

There was many other things I forget now (this is 10 years ago or so)

First time she came to our house mum said " she eats pasta and garlic bread and likes roast dinners but can be a bit fussy"

I served up pasta (not Farfalle - mum had not told me) chunks of garlic bread on a plate for each and a bowl of pasta with sauce.

She threw a tantrum.

I told her that was dinner and it was what was served in this house.

She ate the lot.

Spend the next 2 weeks going on about how horrible food was at our house
Then wanted to come back.

As she and dd1 at the time were good friends we did have her back. It was never without issue however towards the end she ate what we served without complaint. it didnt happen in any other house. Most of the mothers I spoke to all said that she was a nightmare to have over. I suspect my not bending to her tantrum the first time was why she was different with me.

I have a gf now who has 2 children who are very fussy eaters. 1 is clearly a food issue similar to yours. I have oodles of patience with this. the other is lack of learning to try new tings. lunch with this boy goes something like

Boy " Whats that?? "

Me "its Greek Salad"
Boy "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW YUCK ewww I DONT WANT THAT"
Me "thats fine you dont have to eat it
Boy "thats DISGUSTING"
Me " You know not to talk about food like that in my house"
Boy EWWWW Why would anyone eat that YUCK YUCK"
Me (name) that is enough eat what your having no one is forcing you.
Boy " looks at plate someone else is eating and pulls a face"

In contrast the dd conversation will go like
Girl " Whats that"
Me "Its greek salad"
Girl looks at it for a while
Me Would you like to try it?
Girl " shakes head"
Me ok what else would you like?
Girl takes a slice of bread and eats.

I have no patience with the type of manners the boy and dd1's x friend shows and sadly often with fussy eaters this is why I do not like them. It is not actually their issue with certain food. I have a grown up gf who freely admits to being a fussy eater. I have another grown up friend who dosen't like vegetables I will cater happily to this because neither of them does similar to above or like the poster who said her MIL gagged at sight of food others ate.

Surely, you either like something or you don't. End of.
Would you force someone to do a bungee jump if they hated heights because they were being 'precious' or 'fussy'?
Why should food be any different - live and let live.

The problem is that food is an important part of culture, society and entertainment in many cultures. It's about showing friendship, sharing something, it often has an importance other than purely 'fuel'.

So working outside that social contract makes people uncomfortable.

I also get very angry when hungry and so walking up and down a street or driving round looking for something wherever everyone can eat (unless allergies) makes me super stressed!

The problem is that food is an important part of culture, society and entertainment in many cultures. It's about showing friendship, sharing something, it often has an importance other than purely 'fuel'.

But it's not very social or friendly to expect people to force down food they don't want just to keep everyone else happy.

There are certainly two types of people: people who have an actually dietary/phobia issue, and those that just don't like certain foods and want everyone to know about it. I have known both types in my life, and have no problem at all with those in the first category as they just want to get on with life. The other type of person needs a beating...

I knew a chap who had a very, very limited diet because of his phobias. He had a little card printed up that he would quietly give to waiting staff in a restaurant, and the kitchen staff would use that to knock up something he could eat. It never failed, and he didn't mention it unless someone asked him first.

However, I worked with a woman who hated fish. She would kick up a fuss anytime someone sat in the staff room with a tuna salad, or something like that, and claim it was done just to upset her with the smell. I mean proper shouting and storming out of the room. SHE would then sit there with a fecking egg sandwich every single day! The problem was solved by everyone boycotting the staff room as soon as she got her stinky fart sandwiches out. She never mentioned it again and everyone whatever they wanted ate in peace.

My DF is a very fussy eater. It woulndt be an issue if he didn't always make such a fuss about it when we all go to eat out as a family. He will only eat in very traditional pub type places and won't try anything "foreign". He also has a very limited diet and will only eat very plain things like pie and chips, very well done steak and chips but no salad or garnish on the side of the plate, fish and chips but no lemon or tartar is allowed on the plate, roast dinners but no cauliflower cheese, mashed potatoes or fancy veg. If it comes with any of that stiff on the plate he will refuse to eat it and make a scene, it's really embarrassing. Half of the things he says he doesn't like he's never even tried.

I think people get annoyed with fussy eaters because they often make dining out with friends and family really difficult.

Why is it always vegetables that are a problem for fussy eaters ?