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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end pregnancy without telling dh?

176 replies

Breathingisnthelping · 28/08/2015 10:34

We are in our 40s with one dc. I was horrified when I found I was pg but dh was delighted. We are very likely to soon have no income and I will have no chance of getting another job when I am obviously pg. there are long waiting lists for childcare where we live so I don't see how I can get another job till second child starts school when I will be almost 50 ( can't ask a prospective employer to hold the job for up to a year whilst you organise childcare!)i am scared another child will just lead to us being poor for the rest of our lives. And frankly, I just think we are already too tired and chasing our own arses and behind on everything all the time already, and won't cope with another kid ( we have no family help).
But dh says he doesn't disagree with me but he can't be unhappy about another little one. So I am scared to have child but scared of lifelong guilt if dc is ever lonely and of depriving dh of a child he wants.
I feel trapped and panicked and hopeless and just can't see any light at all.

OP posts:
Gingermakesmesick · 29/08/2015 10:42

I realise that different.

But I think the use of the word 'baby' in your post was - I initially thought emotive but having read your subsequent posts I don't think it was. However, I think the only person who matters really is the OP and how she feels about continuing with the pregnancy.

didwedotherightthing · 29/08/2015 10:42

different I agree with you that it is concerning that the OP feels she can't discuss her feelings about wanting to end the pregnancy with her husband. OP can you explain a bit more about that maybe?

differentnameforthis · 29/08/2015 10:46

Of course people change their minds, that was the line used on my mother by my father when she was saying she didn't want me.

She believed him. She thought that I would pop put & she would instantly love me.

She didn't.
She never did.
She told me she regretted having me & should have tried harder to 'get rid' of me.

I have lived with her regret for over 40yrs. It doesn't get easier.

However, I think the only person who matters really is the OP and how she feels about continuing with the pregnancy. Absolutely. I am trying to say (perhaps not well?) that those encouraging the op to have the baby have no idea how horrible a life it can be to regret that choice & that child & that the op needs to do what she thinks is best.

OddSocksHighHeels · 29/08/2015 11:29

different I think it's a really good point about why she feels the need to deceive him. I posted up thread about how I had a termination that I kept secret from my then-DP. It was because he was controlling and abusive (emotionally, financially and sexually) and would have tried to stop me. I didn't want to assume anything about OP and her relationship but really it's not normal to want to hide something like this in a good relationship is it?

It raised flags with BPAS as well when I asked them not to send anything out to me in the post even though I didn't tell them why. I told them the relationship was good (no idea why I lied!) but they still gave me contact details for women's aid anyway so hopefully if this is the case with OP as well then she can get some additional help for the relationship as well.

I doubt OP will come back to this thread now but if you are still reading then good luck with everything. I hope you're doing ok.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 29/08/2015 11:59

Ducky thats great for your son. But not all people feel they could cope bringing up a disabled child and there are of course varying degrees of disabilities. Saying well the child would rather be alive than not is very unhelpful and a total red herring in this case. At this moment the child ISNT here and one of its parents would be deeply unhappy to have it.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 29/08/2015 12:55

She told me she regretted having me & should have tried harder to 'get rid' of me.
That's awful, so sorry you've been through this Flowers

MrsLupo · 29/08/2015 13:38

She told me she regretted having me & should have tried harder to 'get rid' of me.

This is awful, and a perfect example of how keeping your own counsel and shielding others from the truth is sometimes the better, stronger, more mature thing to do, imo. So sad for you, different, and hope you have loving people in your life now. Flowers

AnotherTimeMaybe · 29/08/2015 14:00

different tbh it's one thing to regret having you and another to actually tell you which is where the problem lies in your case
I'm pretty sure whatever decision OP makes and however hard they find it if they decide to keep it, she wouldn't turn around to say something like that
Again hope you're ok now Flowers

WhatamessIgotinto · 29/08/2015 14:32

I don't think you should have a termination without speaking to your DH first. Yes it's your body but I don't that means that his thoughts and feeling shouldn't matter at all. Ultimately, you should not be forced into having a baby you don't want and if you really want a termination then that's your choice, but I think you should be honest about it.

Pidapie · 29/08/2015 14:39

I say you need to, really need to talk to him, and say that you unfortunately cannot have this child. It is your decision in the end, and he can disagree as much as he wants - but to be an unwanted child is no good!

differentnameforthis · 29/08/2015 15:15

AnotherTimeMaybe No, you are right, and I didn't meant to imply that op would do that [tell the child it wasn't wanted]. I wanted people to see the damage bringing a child into this world does when it isn't wanted.

Thank you to those who offered their sympathies. I most certainly do have lovely people in my life now. Smile

chandalier · 29/08/2015 16:18

You say your dh is thinking of setting up a new business. If you terminate you might find that this business ends up being a great success in the near future and you could regret not going through with having your baby after all.

motherinferior · 29/08/2015 16:23

Or she could have the baby and it could fail spectacularly (which statistically it's more likely to do).

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/08/2015 16:47

Need choice and decision are different to opinion. Yes, ultimately it's the woman's choice and decision whether to abort, but to say that the opinion of the child's father about the decision is worth no more than the next door neighbour's is bizarre

To you perhaps but to others it is not.

His opinion may be "but I want a baby" that opinion is the direct oppersit of "I do not want to be pregnant" given that it is not his body giving his opinion weight effectively equals "I will be pregnant even though I do not want to be because you want it" now that is bizarre

Sillybillybonker · 29/08/2015 17:13

Have you checked what financial assistance you might be entitled to?
www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators

HelenaDove · 29/08/2015 17:14

Its interesting that certain posters who are saying poverty is no excuse on this thread are the same ones who ive seen benefit bashing and tax credit bashing elsewhere.

Sillybillybonker · 29/08/2015 18:35

The lack of money might be temporary anyway. Perhaps your husband's business will be very successful. Who knows what the future holds?

NotTodaySatan · 29/08/2015 18:39

Is that so Helena?

Makes me think of this

To end pregnancy without telling dh?
HelenaDove · 29/08/2015 18:52

Yep Satan thats exactly it.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 29/08/2015 18:59

Could you relocate to a cheaper area with better childcare options? It sounds very unusual where you are

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 29/08/2015 19:22

In your shoes, I would not consider the circumstances you describe as justifying a termination.

The default is not 'have a baby unless you can justify not doing so well enough'. The only reason anyone should be having a baby is if they have actively chosen to have a baby, because they want one, or if they find themselves pregnant and prefer the idea of continuing to the idea of terminating. If you don't want to continue a pregnancy, you have every right to end that pregnancy. No justification required. You certainly don't need to provide a justification that random strangers on the internet deem to be good enough.

motherinferior · 29/08/2015 20:37

Yes, exactly.

MrsLupo · 30/08/2015 00:06

In your shoes, I would not consider the circumstances you describe as justifying a termination.

It was me that said this, Smilla and if you reread what I wrote you will see that it was a preamble to saying that I think she has the right to choose both to terminate and to lie about it to her DH, even though my personal choices in these circumstances would be different from hers. I specifically did not say that she needed to justify her choices to us on this thread, rather the reverse.

If you don't want to continue a pregnancy, you have every right to end that pregnancy. No justification required.

Not true legally speaking, of course, although my personal opinion is that it should be.

VerityWaves · 30/08/2015 17:52

Why did you tell him if you were planning to have a termination?
Better to have just gone ahead and then he'd never have known.
However it's done now, and ultimately he should respect your desision its your body after all.

differentnameforthis · 01/09/2015 11:38

Why did you tell him if you were planning to have a termination?

My pp Same reason I told my dh of my third pregnancy when I KNEW I wasn't going to keep it.

Because I expected him to see it from my POV, to understand my reasons for not continuing with it, because I needed his support & strength to get through a very difficult time in my life. And he did all that! He would have continued with the pregnancy all being well & stated his preference for that, but understood why I didn't feel I could do it again.

Perhaps op expected him to understand her doubts & worries, and to support her when she suggested they don't/she couldn't continue the pregnancy.