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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end pregnancy without telling dh?

176 replies

Breathingisnthelping · 28/08/2015 10:34

We are in our 40s with one dc. I was horrified when I found I was pg but dh was delighted. We are very likely to soon have no income and I will have no chance of getting another job when I am obviously pg. there are long waiting lists for childcare where we live so I don't see how I can get another job till second child starts school when I will be almost 50 ( can't ask a prospective employer to hold the job for up to a year whilst you organise childcare!)i am scared another child will just lead to us being poor for the rest of our lives. And frankly, I just think we are already too tired and chasing our own arses and behind on everything all the time already, and won't cope with another kid ( we have no family help).
But dh says he doesn't disagree with me but he can't be unhappy about another little one. So I am scared to have child but scared of lifelong guilt if dc is ever lonely and of depriving dh of a child he wants.
I feel trapped and panicked and hopeless and just can't see any light at all.

OP posts:
WyrdByrd · 28/08/2015 12:07

It is ultimately your call whether or not to terminate, but having told him you're pregnant I really don't think you can lie about what you're doing if you do make that choice.

Obviously making that choice without him knowing would also be morally dubious but as the saying goes 'what the mind doesn't know the heart doesn't grieve over'.

Can you sit him down and really look at the options, work out the finances so he can see the implications of continuing the pregnancy in black and white, also the risks associated with your age and the potential further complications that might entail.

I wonder if he's only seeing the 'yay, cute cuddly baby side' and is a bit blinkered as far as the practicalities are concerned.

NotTodaySatan · 28/08/2015 12:07

Haven't you read my post properly Scarlett?

I've advised the OP to talk honestly with her DH. I haven't advised her to lie. The best possible outcome is that he listens, understands and supports her whatever her decision.

But she doesn't need his permission. It is ALWAYS the pregnant woman's choice. It doesn't matter if it's her husband, a one night stand or a rapist that gets her pregnant. Ultimately they don't get a say. And I for one am very fucking grateful that we live somewhere where that's the case.

Morality is an entirely subjective notion. Don't try and tell the OP what she can and can't live with based on what you think is 'right' and 'wrong'.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 28/08/2015 12:12

I accept that, Soup, but there have been a few posts that may not flat out say 'your husband has a right in a termination choice', but certainly suggest that the husband has a right to have some sort of conversation about it since its 'his baby as well'. I'm only reiterating to the op, that if she has chosen to terminate, no one has the right to try and talk her out of it. Her choice alone, quite frankly I agree with the posters who say any partner worth his salt may not like it, but would support her choice. She does need to tell him though.

FyreFly · 28/08/2015 12:13

It is your decision whether or not to have a termination, however to have one without telling your partner would be a despicable thing to do. You must make whatever decision you believe is right for you and your family, but do not lie about it.

He does not have the right to force you to continue the pregnancy against your will, but he has the right to be involved in the decision, to express an opinion and to know what you will decide and to hear your side of the argument.

JanetBlyton · 28/08/2015 12:15

The husband has lost his job so why cannnot he do the child care? You have not lost your job yet. If you do you could always work away if there are no jobs near home.

Also if you didn't want him to know why did you tell him you were pregnant at all? That is the interesting bit - you in a sense want to hurt him. Had you not even told him you were pregnant and not got an abortion then you would have protected him from having to decide whether to divorce you if you kill his child.

SoupDragon · 28/08/2015 12:17

the husband has a right to have some sort of conversation about it since its 'his baby as well'.

Of course he has a right to a conversation about it! What he doesn't have is the right to make the decision.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 28/08/2015 12:19

Had you not even told him you were pregnant and not got an abortion then you would have protected him from having to decide whether to divorce you if you kill his child.

What a disgusting, ignorant thing to say. Or have you actually no idea about the difference between terminating a few cells and actual child murder? Would you like it explained to you, in simple terms?

duckyneedsaclean · 28/08/2015 12:19

OP, you say you were raised in poverty and it sucked, but surely it's preferable to you not living at all? Give your child the same chance.

OddSocksHighHeels · 28/08/2015 12:20

Janet she is not killing his child! A termination is a legal medical procedure. And I can't see how you can say she wanted to hurt him at all. She told her DH she's pregnant that's all. Maybe she didn't think e would be so set against termination when she told him?

I really hate these kinds of posts that just seem to want to kick the OP when she's clearly in a vulnerable state. It's just nasty.

Dawndonnaagain · 28/08/2015 12:20

I agree with others, talk to him, but make it clear that ultimately, the decision is yours and yours alone.
Good luck whatever you decide to do.
Flowers

NotTodaySatan · 28/08/2015 12:21

MrsGently

It's the usual deliberate use of excessively emotive and scientifically incorrect language by pro-"life"rs designed to make the OP feel shame and guilt.

Yawn.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 28/08/2015 12:21

A conversation about what will happen, yes. A conversation that leads to him threatening divorce and other unhelpful things to try and change her mind, no.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 28/08/2015 12:23

You're quite right, Not. Shouldn't have bitten to such a small minded person, they always turn up somewhere on these types of thread.

ollieplimsoles · 28/08/2015 12:29

just because he left some genetic material behind

What a lovely way to describe a pregnancy Hmm

LongHardStare · 28/08/2015 12:41

I think it might help to separate into two issues.

Issue 1. You don't want to continue with the pregnancy, you have good valid reasons for this and you are aware of your DH's thoughts and feelings about having another DC. It is your body and ultimately your decision to make.

Issue 2. Telling your DH. He is not abusive and hasn't threatened you in any way. It would be dishonest and show you didn't trust him if you terminated without discussing with DH. It might prove unforgiveable and end your marriage if you deceive him about such an important thing. Even if he never found out, it will massively effect how you cope with the termination and with your relationship with DH.

Discussing it doesn't mean you have to allow your decision to be influenced any further if you have already made it (and it sounds like you have). You can do it in the kindest way and not give him reason to feel him losing his job is the reason. You could even leave out the reasons so he doesn't analyse them trying to find ways around them. Just say that for many reasons you have decided that the right thing to do is not continue with the pregnancy. You have taken his feelings into account and you know he will be upset, which you're sorry about. You know he would like to try and change your mind but it is ultimately your body and your decision, and you hope he will respect that and maybe be able to support you through it.

HazelBite · 28/08/2015 12:43

I am pro choice BUT I honestly believe that you will regret a termination especially if your DH was pleased that another one was on the way.

I am a great believer in things having a way of working themselves out and a year or so down the line your circumstances could be very different to now.

I speak from the heart, as the child that would have been aborted, turned out to be the most wonderful person.

Whatever you chose to do xx

peggyundercrackers · 28/08/2015 12:46

if your dh isn't working why cant he stay at home and look after the child - why do you need childcare? people all over have children and not a lot of money - not having money is not a good reason to go through with what your considering.

I couldn't get rid of a child and not tell my partner - I know if he ever found out he would end the relationship immediately and rightly so.

if you are happy in your relationship why would you consider this route of not telling him?

SoupDragon · 28/08/2015 12:51

A conversation about what will happen, yes.

No. A discussion about what to do, with the final decision being the mother's.

OddSocksHighHeels · 28/08/2015 12:51

Not having enough money is a perfectly good reason to terminate. Another child will impact on the whole family and poverty really isn't much fun. It's all well and good to say that things might improve but nobody can guarantee that and what if it doesn't?

If a woman doesn't want a baby, whatever her reason is, then that's her decision to make. If you wouldn't terminate in the same position then that's fair enough but it's not about you. It's about OP and what's best in her life.

differentnameforthis · 28/08/2015 12:52

He will never agree to a termination though It is very6 controlling to not to agree to something that his wife feels is bets for her & your family. He doesn't have to agree with it, but he has no right to make his wife do something that she isn't happy with (i.e have a baby)

I had a termination & my dh was 100% for it, but he accepted it because I just could not do it all again.

Why does he dh have the right to veto this decision?

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 28/08/2015 12:53

Jesus christ ducky what a spectacularly unhelpful thing to say? Would you also say to someone aborting a child who would have profound disabilities/medical needs 'oh well its better than not living at all'??

AnotherTimeMaybe · 28/08/2015 12:55

Of course it's your body but I don't see how this is relevant. You don't have a phobia of being pregnant., the problem you are facing is a financial one
You made this baby together , you must make this decision together whatever that is
Talking to him might help you, find a solution or it might not. But this is what a partnership is about .
It's very disrespectful to go behind his back. If he ever found out, this might mean the end of both of you. Are you prepared for this?
What if something happened to you during abortion that needed his consent?

If you believe in whatever you have to do you have to fight for it first and not cheat your way out

Good luck

peggyundercrackers · 28/08/2015 12:56

It is very6 controlling to not to agree to something that his wife feels is bets for her & your family

Why does she get to make the final decision on THEIR family? its not controlling at all to disagree.

OddSocksHighHeels · 28/08/2015 12:59

You don't see how it's relevant that it's her body Shock

If it was reversed and OP wanted the baby and her DH wanted her to abort would you say the same thing?

NotTodaySatan · 28/08/2015 13:00

Jesus there are some seriously hard of thinking posters around today Hmm.