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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end pregnancy without telling dh?

176 replies

Breathingisnthelping · 28/08/2015 10:34

We are in our 40s with one dc. I was horrified when I found I was pg but dh was delighted. We are very likely to soon have no income and I will have no chance of getting another job when I am obviously pg. there are long waiting lists for childcare where we live so I don't see how I can get another job till second child starts school when I will be almost 50 ( can't ask a prospective employer to hold the job for up to a year whilst you organise childcare!)i am scared another child will just lead to us being poor for the rest of our lives. And frankly, I just think we are already too tired and chasing our own arses and behind on everything all the time already, and won't cope with another kid ( we have no family help).
But dh says he doesn't disagree with me but he can't be unhappy about another little one. So I am scared to have child but scared of lifelong guilt if dc is ever lonely and of depriving dh of a child he wants.
I feel trapped and panicked and hopeless and just can't see any light at all.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/08/2015 13:03

can't understand 'You can do what you like with your own body' posts. Of course it's your body, but dh surely deserves to be considered too. I have sympathy that you are obviously in a difficult position but doing it behind dhs back is just awful

He does not need to be considered because it is not his body.

However given that he knows you are pregnant then unless you intend on lying to him then you have little option other than to inform him.

His opinion does not matter nor does it count because nobody other than your doctor gets to have a say or an opinion about a medical procedure you choose to have so I am not saying gain agreement or discuss but you have little option other than to notify.

TheHoneyBadger · 28/08/2015 13:03

hope the OP has found somewhere safer to post and talk about this.

in case you're still reading i just wanted to offer support and say hope you're ok OP.

Dawndonnaagain · 28/08/2015 13:03

Why does she get to make the final decision on THEIR family?
Because forced birth should not be an option for any woman.

OddSocksHighHeels · 28/08/2015 13:05

Also Another what would happen during an abortion that would need the consent of the DH?

differentnameforthis · 28/08/2015 13:08

Why does she get to make the final decision on THEIR family

It's her body. End of.

Why does he get to make the final decision?

LieselVonTwat · 28/08/2015 13:15

Agree with motherinferior. There's nothing morally wrong with having a termination when you feel you can't continue, nor is there anything wrong with lying to him to keep the peace and spare him any sadness he might feel. He has not one iota of a right to a say here, nor does anyone else, because the only person with rights over your body is you OP.

However, in practical terms, I can't see you pulling it off. With that in mind, better to be honest from the off. The logistics mean you're almost certainly going to end up telling him at some point. Better for it to come out now rather than later.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/08/2015 13:18

The op would be expected to sign her own consent form and that would include consent in case of unexpected emergency

IPityThePontipines · 28/08/2015 13:21

Yes, the final decision is up to you OP, but I do think you need to discuss this with your husband.

peggyundercrackers · 28/08/2015 13:26

yep I get that its her body and she can do what she wants to it however when you go on to speak about the family as a whole its not her family it is THEIR family.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/08/2015 13:28

He will never agree to a termination though

Ignore me if this is nonsense, but I'm just wondering if there's any chance at all that his happiness about the pregnancy is a "brave face" he's putting on things for your sake, knowing the difficulties you both face? Sort of "oh god it's happened now, I can't upset her by making problems about it" ?

You obviously know him and none of us do ... but if there was anything in this, maybe it might not be the awful problem you're dreading? As I said, it was just a thought ...

ShortandSweeter · 28/08/2015 13:29

The same old trite shit being rolled out about 'do what you like with your own body' as always with little thought for the other partie(s) involved. Clearly, the child is result of procreation with someone else and of course they should know your plans.

Gingermakesmesick · 28/08/2015 13:31

I did this - not proud of it but DH is Catholic and I didn't want a baby.

duckyneedsaclean · 28/08/2015 13:33

Sharon yeah, I would actually. My disabled son is a very happy, very loved child, and I'm glad he's alive.

Greenlandrover · 28/08/2015 13:36

'Her husband just left some genetic material' (in her body).

Charming.

That's what they call creating a life nowadays is it?

If he'd asked you to abort your first child because he didn't want it, would you, even if you'd wanted it? Because that's what you're asking of him.

OddSocksHighHeels · 28/08/2015 13:38

green of course that's not the same. That would be forcing a medical procedure on OP. She isn't forcing one on him. Not comparable.

MissDuke · 28/08/2015 13:38

Op I doubt you are still reading but just wanted to gently voice yet another opinion of you cannot lie to dh about this. I would be devastated if DH lied to me about something so important, for example if he secretly had a vasectomy.

I really feel for you though and do think you are doing the right thing by considering the needs of the whole family in your decision. Good luck with it all Flowers

AnotherTimeMaybe · 28/08/2015 13:39

Also Another what would happen during an abortion that would need the consent of the DH?

It's an operation, there is a risk of heavy bleeding, longer admission etc and if something comes up as they have another DC to take care of? it will be likely DH will find out
It'd be a shame for him to find out this way!

AuntyMag10 · 28/08/2015 13:39

If the op didn't want a child then she should have not been having sex. Isn't thats what is said when a woman posts about her bf wanting her to terminate.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 28/08/2015 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JanetBlyton · 28/08/2015 13:42

Whether it is killing his child simply depends on when you think life begins, doesn't it?

Of course in the law she has the right to abort. What I don';t understand here is why tell him she was pregnant at all - why not just abort and he'd need never know. instead she almost made the worst choice of all - either you don't tell at all or you tell all.

OddSocksHighHeels · 28/08/2015 13:43

Oh I'm not actually condoning the lying. I did it though, my then-DP never knew I was pregnant at all though. I think she should tell him.

BUT she can choose whoever she wants as an emergency contact. It's a very low-risk procedure especially if she's in in the first trimester (I appreciate she hasn't said this). Not without its risks though and I is better for the DH to know unless he's abusive/controlling in some way.

whattodohatethis · 28/08/2015 13:47

You can't do that.
Well you can, but you shouldn't.

If you intend to terminate then you should tell him. Lying about something like this would be a terrible thing to do

AnotherTimeMaybe · 28/08/2015 13:48

OddSocks prob didn't make myself clear. Of course she can choose whoever she wants for consent but if something happened that would require her to be admitted, how would she excuse it to Dh? They have a child to take care of she can't just disappear
Of course it's low risk but still a risk, and it'd be ok to take it if they are both in it

CrispyCrispBag · 28/08/2015 13:50

His opinion does not matter nor does it count

Yikes. Some people clearly have very different views on marriage than I do. If that's how little I thought of DH (or he of me) we wouldn't still be married.

OP, it sounds as if you and your DH do have a loving relationship so you should be able to talk through this and hopefully come to a decision together that you can both live with. Of course he can't force you to have a baby and the final choice is yours, but for your own sake please don't go behind his back. It sounds as if you already know that you couldn't live with yourself if you did that, and your marriage probably wouldn't survive.

OddSocksHighHeels · 28/08/2015 13:54

Another I see what you're saying now. As I said I do think she should tell him the truth so I think we're probably in agreement anyway and I've just misunderstood you.