To end pregnancy without telling dh?

[Breathingisnthelping]

We are in our 40s with one dc. I was horrified when I found I was pg but dh was delighted. We are very likely to soon have no income and I will have no chance of getting another job when I am obviously pg. there are long waiting lists for childcare where we live so I don't see how I can get another job till second child starts school when I will be almost 50 ( can't ask a prospective employer to hold the job for up to a year whilst you organise childcare!)i am scared another child will just lead to us being poor for the rest of our lives. And frankly, I just think we are already too tired and chasing our own arses and behind on everything all the time already, and won't cope with another kid ( we have no family help).
But dh says he doesn't disagree with me but he can't be unhappy about another little one. So I am scared to have child but scared of lifelong guilt if dc is ever lonely and of depriving dh of a child he wants.
I feel trapped and panicked and hopeless and just can't see any light at all.

I think YABU to do this behind your DH's back. It is hugely unfair to tell such a big lie to your DH, and should your DH find out could destroy your marriage.

Are you particularly tied to the area you live in? I know there are nationwide childcare shortages but your situation does sound extreme - and if you're losing your job, your DH has lost his and your DC is still quite small, is there anything to stop you moving to a area where there may be more jobs and more childcare?

I agree you should get some counselling asap - Marie Stopes may be a good starting point. Their number is 0345 300 8090.

It'd be very cruel, yes it's your body but it's not just your child, you'd have to live with the consequences of your lie and it wouldn't be a little fib either.

If my wife got an abortion without talking about it with me and she then pretended she'd had a miscarriage and I found out, I'd divorce her no question.

Hibble, I think not feeling able to cope with another child and not wanting to raise children in poverty are good reasons ( I was raised in poverty. Poverty sucks).
Thanks everyone, I have reposted elsewhere as advised.

I think, morally, that's wrong. You need to have a deep and frank discussion with your DH.

If you do'nt want this child, then don't have it. If in order to keep the peace at home you ahve to lie to your DH that it's a MC, I wouldn't judge you, although many on here would.

Realistically, are you likely to get another job soon? How much do you need to earn after childcare costs? If your DH would be at home, could you take a short mat leave then him be the SAHP for a year/until childcare became available? It's often held out as an answer to all job issues on here, but would childminding be an option for you? (seems like there's a shortage of childcare available in your town so you should be able to get a couple of mindees relatively easily).

If you can't see a way to make it work or you just don't want another child, then don't have a child you don't want and can't cope with. If you are just panicking, stop, try to think of practical solutions to the problems, and you being at home for a year is'nt a given - particularly if your DH isn't working either.

It sounds as though there's a business opportunity in childcare in your area, if people are struggling so much. Could you become a childminder?

It is 100% your body and your choice. No-one should have a child against their wishes. But I also think you have to tell your DH the truth.

I'm so sorry OP, what a tough situation to be in.

I'm sorry OP but I think even if you've decided to have an abortion (which I understand) then you need to be honest with your DH about your decision, even if it leads to upset and arguments. He's your husband not some random bloke you had a one night stand with, and he has a right to know what's happening.

Breathing, you never should have to explain yourself about why you don't want to carry on a pregnancy. You have very good reasons, but even if you just don't want to carry and birth another child - even if you were a millionaire, shouldn't be a more or less valid reason. No one, not even a husband's choice should ever be the deciding factor in carrying on a pregnancy a woman does not want. I'm not saying their views should not be heard, as your husband's should - but no woman should be coherst into chaining their mind because it's what 'he wants' and makes him 'happy'. At least you're being sensible and realistic about your situation op, really hope it works out for you.

I think nobody can start judging you and whether it is moral or not.
You have right to decide what's right for you!

All those posters being judgmental can't walk in your shoes even for a second. Redundancy and for both of you is such a stressful time! It can break strongest marriages.

Take care and look for help wherever it's available. Don't let your decision to be made under pressure of "What others will say".

I hope it will all work out for you!

If the circumstances were different, would you be happy to continue with this pregnancy?

Dd2 was planned. We dtd, got pg straight off and the very next week dh lost his job (I am/was) a sahm.
I desperately wanted a termination but just couldn't go through with it so begrudgingly continued with the pregnancy. It was a tough 9months.

Now over a year later, I absolutely would not turn back time, given the opportunity. I have 2 beautiful dd's, who make life worth living, even though it can definitely be a struggle

Thats just ME and MY story. I just thought sharing it might possibly help.

So sorry you are in this position. You need to make the right decision for you and your existing family.

How would you cope being a single parent? I can see that being the likely outcome if your DH ever found out you lied about this.

The final decision should always be the mother's but I don't think lying is the way to go about it. Have you discussed your worries with your DH? Maybe he has ideas to minimise or cure those worries.

Given the utter crapness of childcare, have you thought of setting up as a childminder?

You can't do this. Although it's your body, it's his child too. there'll be some tough conversations ahead, but telling him is the right thing to do.

Fwiw OP a man who would want you to continue a pregnancy that you clearly do not want to, is not a man worthy of being married to you.

i will never ever understand all these posts of 'well its your body'

And the baby is half your DH's. Its half his genetic make up. Yes its your body but its also his baby too.

I couldn't do it to my DH. I couldn't go behind his back.

And I'll never understand the posts that claim that a man has rights over a woman's body because he has impregnated her.

It's wholly and unequivocally your choice OP. Nobody else's. While it would be a great bonus to have the support of your husband it is not required. You and only you decides what happens to your body.

Talk to him. Tell him what you want and what you don't want. Tell him what is going to happen if you're 100% sure you want a termination. He's allowed to be upset of course but if, in the end, he is anything other than understanding than you're probably better off without him completely.

Good luck OP. Thinking of you.

And I'll never understand the posts that claim that a man has rights over a woman's body because he has impregnated her.

I cant see any of those.

Because it is her body, Side. The fact the husband left some genetic material in there doesn't change that fact. It's not him that has to go through 9 months of sickness, getting bigger (money needed for maternity clothes), travelling to the midwife/hospital appointments, finding childcare whilst going to appointments/labour, actually giving birth, the higher risks for both mother and child due to mother's age, how tiring it is just being pregnant anyway, not being able to find work because if it (I know this one too well). But all that's OK, because the husband who doesn't have to go through any of it, is happy .

you can do it, but you need to be prepared to lose your dh over it.

If I done this to dh, he would rightfully end our marriage.

love the glib statement about getting a family member to move in (OP says 'no family help') or getting a nanny. OP says 'no income' - which won't be right in the UK but still won't pay for childcare.

your call, OP, as the pregnant one - but be honest with your husband. The very best to you.

nottodaysatan how can you suggest that the op's Dh has got no rights here? This is his child, surely he at least has the (moral) right to know that his wife is going to terminate this pregnancy? No one is suggesting that this is the husband's decision to make, but I can't understand how anyone would think its ok not to at least involve him in discussing this decision.

op I'm so sorry that you're in this awful situation and really hope that you and your family manage to reach a decision which you can all agree on. Of course, the final decision is yours, but you know that your husband deserves to be involved in this.

MrsGentlyBenevolent People are saying he has the right to know and express his opinion not the right to make the decision.

It's not his "child", it's not even his "baby". It's a foetus. Or possibly even a zygote at this stage.

I think it would be logistically quite difficult not to tell him, and that if you told him/he found out later it would be v complicated.

I also think that if you don't want to continue the pregnancy that of course trumps his wish that you do continue it. I suspect the best way - not so much morally as practically - is to tell him you simply cannot do this. I also realise he may find that unacceptable. I'm so, so sorry, OP. What a crap situation for you.