To end pregnancy without telling dh?

[Breathingisnthelping]

We are in our 40s with one dc. I was horrified when I found I was pg but dh was delighted. We are very likely to soon have no income and I will have no chance of getting another job when I am obviously pg. there are long waiting lists for childcare where we live so I don't see how I can get another job till second child starts school when I will be almost 50 ( can't ask a prospective employer to hold the job for up to a year whilst you organise childcare!)i am scared another child will just lead to us being poor for the rest of our lives. And frankly, I just think we are already too tired and chasing our own arses and behind on everything all the time already, and won't cope with another kid ( we have no family help).
But dh says he doesn't disagree with me but he can't be unhappy about another little one. So I am scared to have child but scared of lifelong guilt if dc is ever lonely and of depriving dh of a child he wants.
I feel trapped and panicked and hopeless and just can't see any light at all.

I think I'd have the baby, despite all the downsides - but only you know the full extent of your dilemma. You must do what's right for your family.

It would be hard to have an abortion without telling your husband because it'd be hard to hold that secret inside forever I think. Also it should be a decision you come to together. Might seem impossible right now but things do work out in the end.

Whatever you decide, make sure you get permanent contraception afterwards so you never have to be in this position ever again! (My husband had the snip a few weeks ago - awesome!!)

This debate is not helping the Op.

Op, if your Dp were to find out you had done this he would be very upset. He'd also be upset that you could not turn to him in your turmoil. Speak to him, sort it out between you. Ultimately, if you don't want the baby it will be your decision. Whatever you do, be prepared for the fall-out if your are both entrenched in your positions.

Good luck.

OddSocks

I'd say that it might be difficult to keep it from your husband, and it may impact on your relationship if you lie, if you discuss it with him and he absolutely refuses to consider the idea, is the relationship basically being impacted anyway?

You should both agree to having another child, and if you don't, then it's not the right time, is it? And if he doesn't respect that, and uses emotional blackmail to make you continue with the pregnancy, then that's not good either.

I think the best result you could hope for is a very difficult conversation with DP explaining the situation, having the termination, maybe get some relationship counselling if this and the redundancies is making things rocky, and hoping that this is not going to end the relationship?

The alternative is lying, DP grieving for the loss, somehow DP is suspicious or finds out that it was a termination, everything implodes and things become very messy.

If there were absolutely no chance of DP finding out, I'm about eighty percent sure I'd go for withholding the truth, but only after correct procedure (counselling for sure!) and being very sure it was what was necessary. However, I think it might be very difficult, there could be a lot of guilt to carry, or worrying about DP finding out, and it would definitely be very stressful to carry out.

It's all very well hypothetically making the decision though, you and DO are the only ones who will have to live with this decision, so you must absolutely do what you feel you need to in this situation, and don't let anyone else tell you that you are wrong, because that's something that only you can decide, and it's only you that has to take responsibility if things go wrong.

You sound like you are in a very shitty situation right now. Don't make any impulsive decisions, and consider that even if talking to DP is very difficult, it would mean not having to go through this all by yourself. x

The implication of 'it's his decision too' is that the OP should be forced to continue an unwanted pregnancy because someone else says so. Are you really happy with that?

this isn't about the op's right to have a termination. it's about the level of deception during which people are condoning allowing someone to believe his baby has died, allowing that person to grieve for a lost pregnancy which he had every reason to believe was continuing.

And a man who can insist a woman takes an unwanted pregnancy to term is...what???

"And a man who can insist a woman takes an unwanted pregnancy to term is...what???" human.

wannabe my heart too!

Meant my hero

This thread has 113 posts of which maybe three condone the OP lying to her H. Almost every single poster offering their support has encouraged the OP to talk open and honestly with her H.

You're getting a wee bit carried away there Wannabe but don't let that stop your histrionics.

You think it's human to force a woman to continue an unwanted pregnancy? We'll just have to disagree on that one.

motherinferior I don't know about 'forcing', her Dh sounds reasonable, he doesn't sound the type of forcing someone for 9 mo
What I would say is that talking to him might bring up a range of opportunities to make their finance better.. He might end up taking on a better job, they might relocate, sell some stuff, move closer to parents etc
Two brains are better than one !

The OP does sound very defeatist when it comes to the impossibility of childcare etc. it may be a talk with her dh (or someone else) would open up other possibilities to cope financially with the baby. Or it might cement her view.
We don't want to see a woman forced to have a baby she doesn't want but we also don't want to see a marriage fail if the lie comes out, or if the OP suffers guilt and regret (from the lie more than the abortion). It is all very difficult.

it's human to want your partner to continue with the pregnancy of your child.

If the man was wanting the op to terminate the pregnancy it would still be the woman's decision. He surely has the right to not want to stay with a woman who aborted his child.

The op would be within her rights to tell him that she would leave him if he pressured her into continuing the pregnancy, she would be within her rights to tell him she would leave him if he pressured her into a termination. Yet he has no rights not even the right to have feelings or emotions on the issue.

IMO he has the right to leave if the op decided to terminate his baby.

YANBU in that it is your body and therefore your choice, but I do think YABU for not dicussing how you feel with your husband. You need to get independent advice and counselling on the issue.

Of course it would still be the woman's choice. Because it's her fucking body.

And it will remain the woman's choice until the day men can carry and give birth to babies . Or until babies are grown in labs without the physical involvement of either parent. Then the father can have equal sayin what happens.

Everybody has the right to leave a relationship for any reason. Unless he's majorly anti-choice (which I think OP would have likely mentioned as the reason for the deceit so doesn't seem likely) then I can't see why he would end a marriage over a termination. The lying I can see being a big issue if she went ahead and did it secretly then it all came out later.

poster, it is a baby and a life, and was created by both her and her dh. But ultimately the decision is hers, but op has to let dh know what she plans to do, it's only right.

I think it sounds like you and your DH need to have a really big think about your current situation (it sounds precarious as it is) and what you can do to make that better (move somewhere with more opportunities?). And then work out how a second child will impact on your life (positives as well as negatives).

It does sound like there is an absence of feminism here. No reason sunny Jim the husband who is out of work cannot do full time childcare whilst the woman works full time and if she does lose this job they move for work to find her a new job.

There's an absence of feminism in assuming a woman isn't able to make up her own mind on whether or not to continue a pregnancy.

She might not earn enough to support her family. They might not have money to just move at the drop of the hat. They might have ties to the local area preventing them from moving.

She didn't ask for suggestions on how to improve things and make a new baby a good thing. She wants to terminate.