To end pregnancy without telling dh?

[Breathingisnthelping]

We are in our 40s with one dc. I was horrified when I found I was pg but dh was delighted. We are very likely to soon have no income and I will have no chance of getting another job when I am obviously pg. there are long waiting lists for childcare where we live so I don't see how I can get another job till second child starts school when I will be almost 50 ( can't ask a prospective employer to hold the job for up to a year whilst you organise childcare!)i am scared another child will just lead to us being poor for the rest of our lives. And frankly, I just think we are already too tired and chasing our own arses and behind on everything all the time already, and won't cope with another kid ( we have no family help).
But dh says he doesn't disagree with me but he can't be unhappy about another little one. So I am scared to have child but scared of lifelong guilt if dc is ever lonely and of depriving dh of a child he wants.
I feel trapped and panicked and hopeless and just can't see any light at all.

He's allowed an opinion, but it doesn't follow that his opinion matters. He does also have the right to end the relationship as well of course, as anyone does, in any circumstances.

I am a man.
If my wife had a termination without me knowing, and told me it was a miscarriage, I would never want to find out the truth, because that betrayal would mean would never be able to trust her again. It would probably be the end of our relationship.

I fully understand the choice is entirely the mother's, and have no problem with that. But to be lied to like that would be heartbreaking.

I'd still rather maintain my autonomy by making the best decision I could in the circumstances. I don't know this woman's situation, so I can only give hypothetical opinion. If I were pregnant, wanted to terminate, and had a DP that was going to insist I continue the pregnancy, or end the relationship, or maybe even be pressured into something I didn't want to do, I'd consider just doing what was right for me and not telling my partner.

But I have been in an abusive relationship, and have pretty extreme illness through pregnancy that would impact on my ability to work or care for existing DC, and would impact my physical and mental health in a big way during and after pregnancy. Not saying that OP is in these circumstances, but I could definitely do it if I were. I don't think that makes me despicable and to be honest, if other people did, I wouldn't care anyway as they don't have to live my life.

Of course if I were in a relationship where I might face emotional blackmail or threats to leave if I were to consider a termination, I would probably leave it as I'd feel better off out of it anyway.

OP is in a difficult situation, anything she does is going to be difficult for someone, whether she goes ahead, or follows advice to talk to her partner, or feels pressured to continue the pregnancy. I think it's kinder to be understanding here, and save the opinion for some other time when there isn't another person in a highly emotive situation, with hard decisions to make. I know it's AIBU, but a bit of self moderation wouldn't go amiss, sometimes people post in the wrong place and just need support, not opinion, anyway.

Well if she wants to continue a relationship with her dh, she should tell him.

I would be on the side of telling the H rather than lying, purely because it is so miserable and stressful to have to lie to someone you live with - the constant anxiety about the lie being found out somehow would be horrible. But he doesn't have to agree to the termination for the OP to be able to have one; he's not her owner.
If he's a good man and a good partner, he will understand. ANd hopefully the OP will be able to accept him being sad at her decision - while it is always the woman's choice, a man who feels regret over a termination is not necessarily in the wrong. It's unfortunately one of those situations where one person is going to be unhappy, and because it's the woman's body, it's alwyas her decision to make.

I feel that although it's your body, it is both of your child. This has not just happened to you. You need to speak to him and come to a conclusion together. This unexpected pregnancy is happening to both of you.

His opinion does matter need, final decision may well be the mothers, but he is allowed an opinion

He is allowed one everybody is. However his opinion is about as valid and important as the next door neighbours. The only person who gets to make a decision is the person whose body is involved.

If the op's decision is "I do not want this baby" then nobody else's opinion matters, there is quite a strong argument for those who disagree with any womans choice,to keep there opinions to themselves even if they feel they should be entitled to attempt to exert any pressure over the person making the choice by expressing that opinion.

The is no level of decision making that is distributed or delegated the entire decision belongs to the owner of the body.

For the record, I am speaking from a pro-choice position.

In your shoes, I would not consider the circumstances you describe as justifying a termination. And if I were in circumstances where it did seem like the only option, I still don't think I personally would go ahead without being honest about it.

However, I am going to go against the grain here, OP, and say that if you are sure a termination is the right thing to do, and you are sure that it would be devastating for your marriage if you go ahead with a termination without your DH's agreement, then I think I might consider lying about it - provided you are sure you are strong enough to deal with the emotional fallout of the termination itself, the guilt, the deception etc, on your own, without support. Only you know if you can cope with that.

I'm not unequivocally a fan of 100% honesty in relationships. I think sometimes unburdening oneself only has the effect of burdening one's partner.

I'm pro-choice and seven months pregnant. I normally lurk rather than post, but this one struck a chord.

It's normal to have doubts about a pregnancy, especially when work / childcare combine to make everything so much more stressful. But, these aren't always unsurmountable. Your DH is excited and pleased about your pregnancy; try and figure out why he feels like that. He should be aware of the issues you'll all face, does he have a plan to deal with them? It could be that he's been thinking about these things too, and might have a grand scheme.

I think there's an social expectation of pregnant women that they should be 100% delighted or 100% devastated. In my experience, you can fluctuate between these. My first DS was a result of 3 years of trying and IVF, and I spent most of the pregnancy convinced I'd made a terrible mistake. Fast-forward 4 years and I'm expecting my third.

Just because you can foresee problems doesn't mean you can't get through them, especially if you speak to your DH.

From personal experience (isn't everything) maybe phrase it to DH that you have concerns, rather than that you are considering an abortion. If he's anything like my DH he'd freak out and you wouldn't get a decent answer to your issues.

A final tip: don't let the age thing bother you too much. People tell me kids keep you young. I'm hoping sleep deprivation has a rejuvenating effect!

Good luck with your decision.

Aren't there just some charming fuckers on here who have all the answers and the moral standpoint on what's right for someone else's life
Huge sympathy for you OP. Hope you find the right way through

OP, you do what is right for you. Your body, your choice. Nobody has the right to judge you, and your decision in this is a personal matter. You reveal what you want to reveal, to whom you want to reveal it, regarding your pregnancy and termination (should you choose one).
Huge sympathy for you, and good luck in what you decide to do.

I don't think you'd be able to have an abortion and not tell your DH, OP. You wouldn't be able to live with such a heavy secret. You're a decent minded person - you told him about the pregnancy in the 1st place and really, given the way you feel you didnt have to.

I hope you & your DH can sit down together and talk this out properly. I hate the way people are saying its solely your choice - it sound so callous particularly as it doesn't sound at all as if he is being controlling or mean-minded. I bet many who blithely make those comments wouldn't say to their DH "my body my choice see you later if you don't like it" if it were them. You aren't a single parent...do you need childcare? Could 1 of you stay home with the DCs whilst the other goes out to work? Its hard having less money but people do get by. Rare is the circumstance where its the "perfect time" to have a child.

I was pregnant with my 2nd when my 1st was just 7 months old. Totally unexpected and yes it was hard and we had to cut back on so much but we managed. I went back to work so at least we had a full-time income with no childcare fees, and DH stayed at home. Later down the line he got a part-time job locally a couple of evenings a week. Not trying to preach to you just thinking the outset is a nightmare but sometimes further down the line things change and you work out a plan. You're not on your own.

You said you've posted on another forum so I truly hope you get some good advice there and then feel able to sit down and talk with your DH. I don't blame you for panicking...I would (well, I did!) but you never know..you could end up on the same side. Good luck and hope it all works out well for you

So why tell him she was pregnant in the first place? It just seems very strange. Either you go down the secret abortion route and he never knew of the pregnancy at all or else you tell all. Doing the half way house is just cruel and risky.

I hate the way people are saying its solely your choice - it sound so callous particularly as it doesn't sound at all as if he is being controlling or mean-minded.

It is solely her choice, though. You can dress it up as much as you want, but the one making the decision is her and if there's any disagreement, she'll be the one with the casting vote. She can take as much or as little notice of his opinion as she likes. His behaviour has nothing to do with that, nor does what anyone else might say or do in those circumstances. It's just a fact.

I certainly agree it's best for them to talk it out in the circumstances, the chances of her being able to sustain the lie in the long run seem pretty minimal. This is a difficult time and they will have a lot to think about going forward, whatever happens. But none of this changes the fact that the only one with a choice to make about the pregnancy is OP.

need "He is allowed one everybody is. However his opinion is about as valid and important as the next door neighbours."
What a ridiculous statement? How can we expect men to be responsible fathers and potential fathers if we relegate their opinions about their child or potential child to that level of worth?
By your logic, were the pregnancy to be a planned and wanted one that miscarried, would the OP's next door neighbour have as much right to be upset as the OP's husband? And if the pregnancy were to continue and result in a baby, is the OP's husband as responsible for its care and welfare as their next door neighbour?

OP, as others have said, you have told him about the pregnancy so please don't abort in secret. I wouldn't advice doing that even if he was unaware of the pregnancy though. Keeping a secret like that would really take its toll. Can you have an honest conversation with him about your concerns and properly plan each scenario? Is it really likely that you wouldn't be able to work for a decade after having this baby? I don't know your circumstances, job background, local childcare options etc but that does seem suprising to me.

did

Ridiculous statement?

I am talking about a sole woman's right to make a choice over her own body. And nobody else does get to have a say in that. It is a decision that is 100% down to the person whose body it is. The only decent response from anybody else in that persons life to "I'm going to have a termination" is "how can I support you"

Thankfully many of us are lucky enough to live in a place where we have the right to make that choice.

Allowing other people to feel that their opinions are directly valid to the process is not unlike being pro forced abortion or pro forced birth. Pregnancy or abortion coercion are not good things. They are also things that decent kind people do not do

And once again, at the heart of all this is a baby who isn't wanted by one of its parents.

Don't underestimate the damage that bringing an unwanted child into this world can do, both to the parent who doesn't want it, or the child.

I still live it everyday. It's not easy knowing your mum didn't want you, but was forced to carry you, give birth to you & raise you. We haven't' spoken since I left home. Because she doesn't care & I can't take the constant rejection.

OP wouldn't be thinking about deceiving her dh if she thought she had any real say as to whether she has this child or not. I think people need to remember that before they start judging her for wanting to lie.

In fairness different, I don't think in this case the baby isn't wanted - nor, I'd guess, is that the case in most pregnancies.

Most people (most!) love their babies when they arrive, but that doesn't mean they have to continue with the pregnancy.

I have been pregnant three times when I didn't want to be. Once I decided not to go ahead with the pregnancy. But had that baby been born, he or she would have been loved and wanted - when they were born.

So why tell him she was pregnant in the first place? Same reason I told my dh of my third pregnancy when I KNEW I wasn't going to keep it.

Because I expected him to see it from my POV, to understand my reasons for not continuing with it, because I needed his support & strength to get through a very difficult time in my life. And he did all that! He would have continued with the pregnancy all being well & stated his preference for that, but understood why I didn't feel I could do it again.

Perhaps op expected him to understand her doubts & worries, and to support her when she suggested they don't/she couldn't continue the pregnancy.

Instead of supporting the op, most are focusing on the possible deception, but no one has asked WHY the op feels that deception is her only choice.

I find the fact that it is[her only choice], quite worrying to be honest.

I think people change their minds. I was initially estactic to be pregnant but then I changed my mind quite dramatically - horrible, I know, but I simply didn't predict just how awful pregnancy would make me feel.

Good point different.

Need choice and decision are different to opinion. Yes, ultimately it's the woman's choice and decision whether to abort, but to say that the opinion of the child's father about the decision is worth no more than the next door neighbour's is bizarre.

But had that baby been born, he or she would have been loved and wanted - when they were born. By you, yes. But that doesn't follow that every single unwanted baby will also be loved & wanted once born.

Saying you don't regret having babies is absolutely NOT the right advice. Because it isn't always true.