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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to still go on Holiday, without DSD??

474 replies

ViVeriVeniversumVivusVicii · 26/08/2015 23:54

DSD (12) was due to arrive here today, until the end of the school holidays, as we are going on holiday on Friday, for a week.
DSD has just returned from a holiday abroad with her DM, SF, and their own toddler DS.
We have received a message that DSD she can't come to us yet, as she's too poorly to travel. They finished their holiday, and then after the plane touched down, drove straight home, called their local doctor out, who had her transfered to hospital. She is really unwell, and has been for a WEEK, while on holiday. An infection has been untreated, and got worse as the days went on.
DH phoned his DD's Mum, who said she'd been unwell for a few days on their holiday, but she didn't get a doctor to come out- as it would have been too expensive. DH said the Insurance should have covered that? But she said it didn't ie, she went on holiday without insurance?
If those tables were turned, and we brought her back to her Mum ill, no doctor seen and no insurance, there would be an absolute war on.
But this is the real problem- we are going on our own family holiday on Friday morning.
DSD, is now too ill to travel. She will not be fit to fly, let alone enjoy a holiday.
Her cheeky DM, says we should postpone our holiday, until DD is well enough to come.
We have refused. We don't see why our 3 other children should be disappointed and miss their holiday, because their Sister's Mum refused to seek treatment for her when she actually needed it? She would have been better by now, this was totally avoidable. Now DSD is back in the UK, too ill to have a holiday with us, we are being called every name under the sun, becuase we are still continuing with the Holiday. It is paid for, and we intend on going. DSD has after all just had a holiday, 3 DCs here haven't.
I just wanted opinions if possible. Would you go?

OP posts:
Stokes · 27/08/2015 09:48

If my DH was willing to go on holiday while his DC was in hospital, he wouldn't be my DH much longer.

And of course the ex isn't going to bend over backwards to help him when he's being an ass.

ProudAS · 27/08/2015 09:49

The OP has an autistic son for whom cancelling at the last minute would be very distressing. Why put him through that when it could possibly be avoided!!

OP - if you were to take three young DC (one of whom has SN) on your own would you be able to give them a proper holiday?

As for DSD's other brother getting car sick how did they manage to get him to the airport for his holiday?

Nightowlagain · 27/08/2015 09:49

Why can't your DH stay until she is well enough to fly? Surely it's the best solution? I agree with PPs that it's his week so he can't really just bugger off without his DD. I think if you all go then yabu.

Eva50 · 27/08/2015 09:49

I think you need to postpone/cancel or your dh needs to stay behind. I doubt that she will be well enough to fly next week. You will (hopefully) be this little girls stepmum for a lot of years and putting her first whilst she is ill may make the difference to your relationship throughout the turbulent teenage years which, I'm sure, are just around the corner.

tiggytape · 27/08/2015 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SeasideSunshine · 27/08/2015 09:51

I would say your DH should stay behind and bring DD to meet you when she is well enough to travel. Regardless of what her DM has done (or in this case not done), I think that would be the best solution in the long run. She doesn't feel left out or abandoned because she was ill, her dad is around in case of any complications, and you and your dcs still get their holiday (hopefully joined in a couple days by DH and DSD).

I can't understand you being upset at the mother for enjoying her holiday while the DSD is ill, but you expect your DH to enjoy his holiday while DSD is ill and in hospital. Hmm

UhtredOfBebbanburg · 27/08/2015 09:51

I would guess the holiday is ruined now anyway, the best thing for your 3 kids would be to cancel on insurance and go somewhere at half term. That way they get a family holiday. Going without your DH would mean that they had been denied that for something which really isn't their fault in any way, regardless of whether it's anyone else's fault, those 3DCs are definitely in the clear.

Youarentkiddingme · 27/08/2015 09:52

Very difficult situation where your damned whatever you do.

For me I'd be asking that if it was one of you and Dh children together who was ill in hospital would you cancel? Or would one of you go with children and one stay so the others don't miss out. You cannot, IMO, make a different decision re DSD as you would your joint children. Or at least Dh should be making the same choice re all 4. I think you going with the 3 would be fine, perhaps get a refund through insurance for Dh and DSD and use that to cover the expense of them flying out late together.
DSD mum doesn't sound particularly helpful which I'm sure is infuriating.

Also, this is the important bit. Your Dh needs to contact the consultant responsible for DSD care. He needs to decide whether he feels she's fit to fly or not and if she isn't then needs to produce a certificate to state this because the insurance will ask for it. It usually costs about £20 for this certificate. But if the insurance company is presented with this in advance with information she'll be fit for travel in say 48 hours they can look into what re funds they can provide or what rearrangements of travel they can provide. It may be that the holiday can be moved Sunday-Sunday?

lunar1 · 27/08/2015 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

diddl · 27/08/2015 09:54

And the fact that the girl has had a holiday isn't relevant is it as what she didn't get was time with her father/siblings.

Original poster
ViVeriVeniversumVivusVicii · 27/08/2015 09:54

I haven't just 'ignored the suggestion' that DH stays at home until he's well enough to bring DSD and join us. It isn't possible.
DH drives, I don't. We have a Car booked for the holiday.
Even if I could organise a taxi transfer on arrival, I admit i find the idea of travelling by train on with three children (one SN, a 3 year old, and another under 12months), plus suitcases and bags, and trying to get around on holiday until they arrive, impossible.

OP posts:
UhtredOfBebbanburg · 27/08/2015 09:55

Seaside I think that the OP would like her kids to have the opportunity of a holiday, in the same way as DSD's DM and her son have had. That's not actually unreasonable, even without the issues caused by her DS having additional needs. It seems like OP's 3 kids are most definitely at the bottom of a long list of people, including all the adults in the scenario and the ex's own DS, for some posters. I can understand why the OP doesn't see it in those terms.

diddl · 27/08/2015 09:55

Wll then I think that you have to cancel.

pippistrelle · 27/08/2015 09:56

Your step-daughter has two parents. She's ill enough to be in hospital which is scary for an adult, let alone a child. If one of your children was in hospital, wouldn't both their parents be there visiting them every day, if at all possible? It's not just her medical condition you have to bear in mind, it's her emotional one, and the impact that it would have on her relationship with her father. She's not exactly going to look back and reminisce fondly about 'the time I was so ill I was in hospital, and my dad went off on holiday with his new family, leaving me with my mum who hadn't got me medical help soon enough'.

budgiegirl · 27/08/2015 10:00

I think YABU if you all go on holiday without DSD, regardless of who is to blame for the situation.

DSD is part of your family. What would you do if one of your children was in hospital and unable to travel. Would you postpone the whole holiday? Would one parent stay behind and join you later? Would you leave the child behind in hospital with a trusted relative (grandparent, auntie etc) while the rest of you go on holiday anyway?

Whatever is the answer to those questions is what you should do in this case. You should treat DSD in the same way as you would treat your own children. Sometimes things go wrong, it's disappointing of course, but its how you react to it that counts.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 27/08/2015 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NerrSnerr · 27/08/2015 10:00

I think you'll have to cancel if your husband can't stay behind with her. She can't fly by herself after being unwell.

MrsSchadenfreude · 27/08/2015 10:02

ViVeri - in that case, I think you should all go, with the caveat that if your DSD gets well enough to travel, and there is sufficient holiday left, your DH should go back and collect her and bring her out (although this will probably be £££).

UhtredOfBebbanburg · 27/08/2015 10:03

pippi - while I do agree with you, and I certainly would be canceling the holiday and claiming on the insurance if I was the DH, this is really a no win situation because the cancel alternative (which, I stress again, is the one I'd take) will leave at least the oldest of the OPs kids remembering 'the time my holiday was canceled and my dad made it clear that he prefers my older sister to me'. The OP and her DH can't win really. The only person who got things exactly the way they wanted them (an uninterupted holiday) is the ex and it appears she is utterly determined not to try and help OPs family recover something from the situation. But even given that, I think the OP should cancel the holiday.

MrsSchadenfreude · 27/08/2015 10:03

There are three other children to consider, who will have been looking forward to this holiday too.

MythicalKings · 27/08/2015 10:03

Of course you must go. Your DH has more than one DC and they deserve a holiday with their dad. He isn't the one being a ass, FFS, it's DSD's mother who's being a cow. Both on holiday and now she's back. What a nasty woman.

Maybe plan a weekend away just DH and DSD later in the year to make up for it.

browneyedgirl86 · 27/08/2015 10:03

I feel really sorry for the step daughter at the centre of this. It doesn't sound like she's had much of a holiday with her mum. She must be so disappointed to know that while she's stuck in hospital her Dad is going on holiday.

I appreciate no one wants the other DCs to be disappointed, but if one of the other children were in hospital this would not be an issue. There would be no question of the holiday going ahead.

The poor girl is probably going to feel so upset that not only has she missed the family holiday, her dad prioritised it over her. Being in hospital isn't fun. I'm surprised her Dad would go on holiday whilst one of his children is in hospital particular when it's his week to have her. Does he only want to be the parent when she's not disrupting plans or when she's fit and healthy.

Regardless of this being her DM fault or not, it's happened. At the centre of this is a 12 year old girl who must feel awful. The best thing you could do as others have said is take the other DC and your DH fly out with his DD if she is better if you don't want to cancel. I think a parent leaving their child in hospital and going on holiday is not a good one.

Original poster
ViVeriVeniversumVivusVicii · 27/08/2015 10:04

Lunar you're entitled to your opinion. I'm not awful, as you suggest.
I'm a Mum and Stepmum trying to do the best for everybody. All 4 of the children. Someone upthread suggested an unaccompanied flight, I hadn't considered it until then. DSD would be with her DM until boarding, and met by DH as soon as she landed. It was an option.
I'm trying to do what is best for all of the children, not one of them, not three of them. We want all of them with us on holiday.

OP posts:
EnthusiasmDisturbed · 27/08/2015 10:05

I think it best not to think about who has had a holiday and who has not as it's circumstances that has forced plans to change not something that has been done deliberately

It must me deeply disappointing if you do not go i understand why you feel you can't by yourself but it's just what happens at times

ProudAS · 27/08/2015 10:05

OP - sounds like you are being forced to choose between autistic DS and DSD in hospital.

Individuals with autism do have to learn to cope with disruption and as an autistic person myself it is far easier when I have some control over it. Could you ask your DS what he thinks rather than simply turn round and say we are cancelling!