..to still go on Holiday, without DSD??

[ViVeriVeniversumVivusVicii]

DSD (12) was due to arrive here today, until the end of the school holidays, as we are going on holiday on Friday, for a week.
DSD has just returned from a holiday abroad with her DM, SF, and their own toddler DS.
We have received a message that DSD she can't come to us yet, as she's too poorly to travel. They finished their holiday, and then after the plane touched down, drove straight home, called their local doctor out, who had her transfered to hospital. She is really unwell, and has been for a WEEK, while on holiday. An infection has been untreated, and got worse as the days went on.
DH phoned his DD's Mum, who said she'd been unwell for a few days on their holiday, but she didn't get a doctor to come out- as it would have been too expensive. DH said the Insurance should have covered that? But she said it didn't ie, she went on holiday without insurance?
If those tables were turned, and we brought her back to her Mum ill, no doctor seen and no insurance, there would be an absolute war on.
But this is the real problem- we are going on our own family holiday on Friday morning.
DSD, is now too ill to travel. She will not be fit to fly, let alone enjoy a holiday.
Her cheeky DM, says we should postpone our holiday, until DD is well enough to come.
We have refused. We don't see why our 3 other children should be disappointed and miss their holiday, because their Sister's Mum refused to seek treatment for her when she actually needed it? She would have been better by now, this was totally avoidable. Now DSD is back in the UK, too ill to have a holiday with us, we are being called every name under the sun, becuase we are still continuing with the Holiday. It is paid for, and we intend on going. DSD has after all just had a holiday, 3 DCs here haven't.
I just wanted opinions if possible. Would you go?

[Christelle2207]

Unfortunately there is no easy option here, I wouldn't want to travel with 3 kids by myself either.
I think you have to go but massively make it up to dsd- could dh take her away for a weekend when better for example.
If she recovers soon though, might there be someone else that can take her to the airport given that her mother won't take her. Assuming she is ok with the idea and is generally streetwise, don't think her travelling later by herself is ridiculous.
However if she is still in hospital is it realistic that she will be properly better before it's time to come back??

[Bellebella]

I can freely admit that I judge your oh for leaving one of his children in hospital while he goes off on holiday with the others.

If he can't wait and join you then I would cancel. No way would I feel comfortable leaving one of my children behind for the sake of a holiday.

[ViVeriVeniversumVivusVicii]

MythicalKings and MrsSchadenfreude thank you, I really am trying to do what is best for all of the children.

[budgiegirl]

We want all of them with us on holiday

Then you need to postpone the holiday.

[lunar1]

Your sh thinks his child's mother is so neglectful that her child got so I'll she is now in hospital. Your dh is now leaving his child's recovery to a neglectful parent who has prioritised having fun over her child's health.

How does this make him any better than her? This poor girl has two neglectful, fuckwits for parents who both prioritise them self before their child.

What would you have done if one of your children was ill?

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Op I don't think you're awful. I understand and in fact empathise. I too have had to deal with dsd's mother's inconsistencies, inflexibility, double standards and wilful obfuscation. But you have to put all of that history to one side. I would still be asking myself the question "would I do this if it were my child?" And I think that if you answer yourself honestly you will have your answer. I am sorry it is not possible for your dh to join you later, but it seems you might be left with only one choice. In terms of your own dc, yes they will be disappointed. But might they understand it if you asked how they might feel if one of their resident siblings was ill in hospital. Would they still wish to go without them? I'm afraid that disappointment is part of life and although it makes your heart ache to disappoint your child, you are also their role model and they will learn from you about kindness, selflessness, doing the right thing and what it means to be a united family. When I was little we had to cancel a family holiday because my dad received acid burns while at work. I was disappointed not to go when my mum first told me, but there were lots of other family holidays in the years ahead and I learned a valuable lesson about what is really important in life. I'm sorry for your situation but still think it would be wrong to leave your DH's child in hospital.

[ArendelleQueen]

My ex is a feckless twat and useless father but even he postponed his weekend away when DD was admitted to hospital for a minor emergency surgery.

[SeasideSunshine]

Seaside I think that the OP would like her kids to have the opportunity of a holiday, in the same way as DSD's DM and her son have had. That's not actually unreasonable, even without the issues caused by her DS having additional needs.

I'm well aware of what the OP would like. Unfortunately plans sometimes have to change. Yes, dealing with issues caused by her ds having additional needs is a consideration, but it's not one that IMO changes my suggestion a bit. I have 2 children in the same position which can be very challenging, but I would (in her position) still want my DH to be there locally for DSD while she was in hospital and bring her to join us as soon as they were able.

When you're a family, you make adjustments for these types of things. And I would think much less of my DH if he was happy to go on holiday whilst his dd was in hospital.

[ViVeriVeniversumVivusVicii]

I know on MN, that as a Stepmum my place usually is in the wrong, but what I don't understand, why DH would be judged for going on holiday while DSD is poorly, but her DM isn't judged for leaving her ill and untreated in a foreign country while on holiday?
If the tables were turned, what would people say to this being posted on MN 'My ExH has just brought DD home from holiday. She's had to be hospitalised. She got sick with an infection a week ago, but he didn't take her to a doctor, as it turns out he didn't take adequate insurance out".
There'd be outrage at the 'irresponsible, deadbeat dad', I'm sure of it.

[pippistrelle]

I'm afraid that disappointment is part of life and although it makes your heart ache to disappoint your child, you are also their role model and they will learn from you about kindness, selflessness, doing the right thing and what it means to be a united family.

This puts it perfectly for me. It's a horrible no-win situation and I do empathise though.

Also Proud AS makes a lot of sense.

[UhtredOfBebbanburg]

Seaside - I've made it clear that I would cancel. But I can understand the OP's dilemma. And I think many posters are ignoring her other 3 kids completely and I don't think that's fair. Their feelings should at least be acknowledged (OK I doubt the baby has views either way).

I've never forgotten a family holiday that was cut short because my sister got chicken pox. And she has never forgotten a family holiday that got cut short because I had to have an emergency operation. We laugh about what we call 'the INCIDENTS' now - but at the time, we were devastated. A week in Norfolk was a rare glimpse of paradise to us when we were kids. I can understand a parent not wanting to do that to their kids even though for me there's clearly no choice. I just feel really sad for OP and her kids, is all.

[BoGrainger]

This is what I'd do. Cancel the whole thing and get a last minute holiday in this country, holiday camp type thing near a beach for example or just a few hours away. There should be plenty available, a lot of schools are back next week. DH can drive you there, you will have everything you need to hand. He can join you for a couple of days and/or dsd if she feels up to it. Explain to your ds that as a family you have to do what's best for everyone. Your other two children won't know any difference. There will be other summers. Hope it works out.

[grovel]

Has anyone spoken to the DSD? My DS (then 11) broke his leg two days before a family (activity) holiday. He insisted that we did not cancel and stayed with his grandparents while we were away.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Op, as gently as I can: would you leave your child in hospital to go on holiday?

You are not helping your case by focusing on dsd's mother. That's all noise on the periphery - at the centre of it all is a little girl who feels lousy.

You may find the step parenting board more understanding and able to offer advice. This board is not known for tip toeing carefully around the issues.

[SeasideSunshine]

OP - I think you are spectacularly missing the point. Nobody is saying the mum was correct in delaying medical treatment while on holiday. She absolutely was wrong.

That doesn't, however, mean that your DH is right to leave her while he is in hospital. They are BOTH in the wrong here. (well, all of you, if I'm honest)

It's not an "either/or" situation. I feel quite sorry for DSD - as nobody seems to put her first. Not her mother, who is more concerned about her holiday. And not her father or her stepmum, who also ironically seem more concerned about their holiday (while trashing the mum for not putting daughter as a higher priority than a holiday).

[SanityClause]

Two wrongs don't make a right, though, Vi.

The fact that your DSD's mother did something shitty doesn't excuse your DH from doing something shitty.

That's what people are, in the main, saying.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Gosh, what a shitty, terrible birth mother your DSD has got. Poor you for having to put up with her.

Do you feel better now op? Is it ok to legitimately criticise your DH now that we've also done a bit of mother-bashing?

Her behaviour was poor but you do seem disappointed that we're focusing on how to manage the current situation rather than berating her for the past one.

[browneyedgirl86]

But this isn't about what your Dh's Ex wife. This is about you wanting to know if it's unreasonable to go on holiday without your DSD. It doesn't matter how she's in hospital, the fact is she is. If one of your children were ill would you still be going away? I doubt it.

Her being hospitalised may be a consequence of her Mums actions, but the reason your DH is being judged is because he is not acting like a good father. Let's say your Step daughter was ill in hospital for another reason, nothing to do with her Holiday, would it be unreasonable for her Mum to start a hypothetical AIBU saying "My ex DP was due to take our dd on holiday, she's not well, in hospital and he's going away anyway AIBU?"

It sounds like your looking to blame the Ex in this but that part is done, you can't change it. What matters is what your DH does for his daughter now, if he acts like a responsible parent and is there for his DD or he swans off on holiday because it wasn't his fault his DD ended up in hospital.

[lunar1]

You are missing the point, we are judging them both.

Cancelling stuff for one member of the family is part of life. It's unfortunate that the holiday you have booked is not suitable for you to take your three on your own. But it is what it is, the only reason you are able to contemplate going is because your husband isn't really a dad to her he's a Disney dad, only in it for the good times. It's very sad that her mum is the same.

[Geraniumred]

I think you can get escorts for minors on flights. If you can find someone to take her to the airport then she would be OK. You can't drive and need your DH with you. Your dsd has her own mother with her, so should be fine. It isn't ideal, but I would be loathe to disappoint all those other people by cancelling. Besides, what use will it actually be if you all stay at home?

[pippistrelle]

Besides, what use will it actually be if you all stay at home?

Because then OP's husband will then be able to look after his daughter as originally planned.

[ViVeriVeniversumVivusVicii]

We are going up to hospital this afternoon and seeing how she is. I agree that she shouldnt suffer further for her Mother's mistake to not seek treatment when it was needed.

[Charley50]

Hi OP, it is doable for you to go without DH really. He can take you to the airport, and you can get a coach/taxi when you arrive at your destination where is it? Yes it will be a little stressful but you'll be fine. You can stay around the pool rather than going on day trips but it will still be a nice holiday for you and the children.
Then DSD will feel comforted by her dad being around, and chances are she will probably be well enough to come along with DH for at least half of the holiday.
(FWIW I think it's really stupid to go on holiday without travel insurance).