..to still go on Holiday, without DSD??

[ViVeriVeniversumVivusVicii]

DSD (12) was due to arrive here today, until the end of the school holidays, as we are going on holiday on Friday, for a week.
DSD has just returned from a holiday abroad with her DM, SF, and their own toddler DS.
We have received a message that DSD she can't come to us yet, as she's too poorly to travel. They finished their holiday, and then after the plane touched down, drove straight home, called their local doctor out, who had her transfered to hospital. She is really unwell, and has been for a WEEK, while on holiday. An infection has been untreated, and got worse as the days went on.
DH phoned his DD's Mum, who said she'd been unwell for a few days on their holiday, but she didn't get a doctor to come out- as it would have been too expensive. DH said the Insurance should have covered that? But she said it didn't ie, she went on holiday without insurance?
If those tables were turned, and we brought her back to her Mum ill, no doctor seen and no insurance, there would be an absolute war on.
But this is the real problem- we are going on our own family holiday on Friday morning.
DSD, is now too ill to travel. She will not be fit to fly, let alone enjoy a holiday.
Her cheeky DM, says we should postpone our holiday, until DD is well enough to come.
We have refused. We don't see why our 3 other children should be disappointed and miss their holiday, because their Sister's Mum refused to seek treatment for her when she actually needed it? She would have been better by now, this was totally avoidable. Now DSD is back in the UK, too ill to have a holiday with us, we are being called every name under the sun, becuase we are still continuing with the Holiday. It is paid for, and we intend on going. DSD has after all just had a holiday, 3 DCs here haven't.
I just wanted opinions if possible. Would you go?

[hackedoffnow]

[YellowTulips]

I can see the Daily Fail having a field day with this...

FAMILY GO ON HOLIDAY LEAVING 12 YEAR OLD HOME ALONE.....with her Mum!!!!

DSD is going to disappointed whatever happens - yes that sucks and it is sad that she not going to be well enough to travel. She is not however at death's door nor is she being left with a friend or distant family member. She is being left in the care of her Mum.

Yet the response to this is seemingly to up "the ante" and deprive 3 other children of their family holiday as well .

I think there is quite a bit of pious over-investment going on wrt to this thread to be honest....but hey ho, that's AIBU for you....

[Oswin]

I could never ever go abroad when my child was ill in hospital.
I cant get my head around anyone that could. Come on be real if this was a rp ex wife wanting to pop off on hols while her dd was in hospital? She would be torn apart.

Its always shouted on here that nrps are equal parents in every way. Till it comes down to things that matter.
Damn right id Judge a parent who wouldn't spend every second they could with there hospitalised child.

Can we stop with the whole its a hatred of sm thing please? 3monkeys has posted upthread, she is a stepmother who I've seen been treated badly on here, she has experienced the being treated badly just because she's a step parent.
Yet she still thinks, as a parent, that the dh should stay.

That's what it boils down too. A child needed tlc from there parents.
In my world its not so rigid that there's one parent so the kids fine.
Surely any loving parent wants to be there?
You couldn't drag me away.

[Spotifymuse]

I'm confused as to why your husband would even consider leaving his child in the care of a woman, who according to you is so irresponsible and neglectful that her actions have led to her child being hospitalised. Have you spoken to social services?
Surely his priority should be to ensure that his daughter is discharged from hospital into his sole care?

[Sallystyle]

Surely any loving parent wants to be there?
You couldn't drag me away.

Under normal circumstances, yes.

But I would weigh up what is best for everyone.

I always trusted that my ex would look after our children just as well as I could and that they would be just as loved and cared for in his care.

So I would go and let the others have their holiday and the ill one gets cared for by another loving parent. It is shit for the poor ill child, but she will be fine with one parent there.

Having other children disappointed, one with autism so two parents can stay with a child who is on the mend, or leave the child with a parent and take the others away? It seems a no brainer to me.

I am actually a very loving parent. If my child was seriously ill then no, you wouldn't be able to drag me away but in this situation? I would go and that doesn't make me unloving. I had two children in and out of hospital as little ones and being on antibiotics and responding well is not something that would make me never leave their side if they had another parent there.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Spotifymuse

We don't know what the OP's DH thinks about the situation

[Hygge]

OP if you are still reading this, I think you should postpone the holiday if you can.

I know your SD has been away with her mother, but she spent the week seriously ill and getting sicker by the day. You can't really say that she's already had a holiday if she spent it slumped in a deck chair feeling terrible while everyone else had a good time. She was ill enough to be admitted to hospital and too sick to travel.

I spent five days in hospital on an antibiotic drip because of an ear infection, and I was an adult, but I was in a bad way. And when I was released I still felt ill for a few weeks. She may not be up to following on when she's out of hospital if you go without her but change her ticket.

She's only twelve. She might be old enough to understand that your holiday is booked and your other children will be disappointed, but she's also young enough to still feel hurt that you all went to Disneyworld without her while she was sick in hospital.

I realise that sounds emotive, but she's only twelve. She's still very young, it can be frightening to be in hospital and she's had one ruined holiday being neglected by her mother and step father while she was very ill, now she may feel that she's been left behind by her father and step mother because her other siblings feelings have been put before her physical health.

Maybe she won't feel that way, but is it really worth taking the risk of her growing up feeling hurt or feeling second best or feeling like her Mum didn't care enough to get her treatment when she was sick because of the expense and then her Dad didn't care enough to postpone a holiday she's probably been looking forward to when she was in hospital?

The whole situation sounds like a nightmare, and I feel for you and I don't think you or your DH are bad people or bad parents, but I do think you are in a tough situation and the best solution would be to postpone the family holiday until all the family can go.

And if not, then at the very least your DH must stay behind. Could you possibly transfer his ticket to someone else who could help you?

[iwantgin]

Any update OP?

It's a difficult call.

It's hard to know what to do.

What does DH say?

Does DSD want to stay with her mum on release from hospital or come to you?

Is it Disney land Paris?

If so, you and eldest DS could go alone, leaving your DH with the other two. They can all come over in a couple of days either with DSD or without.

Or postpone until October half term. Itsy not so far away.

Good luck.

[Hygge]

Also this bit of your first post stands out to me and I think you need to step back from it and ask yourself how much this has influenced you.

"Her cheeky DM, says we should postpone our holiday, until DD is well enough to come. We have refused. We don't see why our 3 other children should be disappointed and miss their holiday, because their Sister's Mum refused to seek treatment for her when she actually needed it?"

The fact that your DH's ex refused to seek treatment for her is disgraceful, but it shouldn't play a part in your decision to postpone or continue.

I can understand how you might feel angry at her for neglecting her daughter.

But your only considerations now should be will your insurance allow you to postpone and, if it will, how will your SD feel if you all go ahead without her regardless? That's what you have to weigh up against the disappointment of your other children?

Because they may be disappointed if you postpone, but eventually all the children will get their holiday, just a few weeks or months late. But if you continue, how will your SD feel and for how long? At worst this could be a hurt, a resentment, a rejection, that she may feel for years and years.

Don't let her mother's selfishness influence you in making this decision. She's behaved in a disgusting way and I don't think anyone on this thread would disagree with you there.

But if you can postpone, for the sake of your SD and potentially the relationship she has with her father, with you, with her siblings, I think you should postpone. Her mother and her terrible behaviour should really have nothing to do with that decision though.

[Hissy]

Have I missed what the DH/OP insurers said about cancellation due to illness?

it will need a call just to check on pre-existing conditions and where you stand

You have got travel insurance right?, seeing as you were so quick to judge dsd mother for not having it.

[clam]

All those who are suggesting postponing - if the OP's other children are of school age, that might be very difficult.

[Hygge]

I'm not sure how old the OP's DS is, but I think I read that the two younger girls are 3 and 1 years old.

It could perhaps be postponed until the October half term, or the school may be understanding because the postponement was due to the elder daughter being hospitalised.

[clam]

Annoying though it is that this whole scenario might have been avoided if dsd's mum had got her seen to earlier, leave that aside for the moment. Imagine a similar setup whereby one of your other children was hospitalised and you had this holiday booked. Supposing they were home to convalesce but not up to a trip to Disney, yet your mum, say, was prepared to come and look after them for the week - or their other parent (in a divorce situation). Would you still go?

Rightly or wrongly, for me, I think I'd go (with great misgivings) because your dsd will be with her mum, who is the resident parent. Not sure why that makes a difference, but I think it does, for me. And because you do have 3 other children to consider.

Don't envy your dilemma. All the best.

[clam]

"the school may be understanding because the postponement was due to the elder daughter being hospitalised."

If it's a school that is committed to fining people, they won't be understanding.

[FayeTulehrer]

Are you going to Eurodisney, Disneyworld or Disneyland?

[FayeTulehrer]

Sorry, hit post too soon. I just meant to ask if it was a big holiday, and if so will your SD get another chance to go if she misses out this time?

[goldglittershitter]

I could no sooner go on holiday n leave my sick DD in hospital than I could fly in the air. DH's views r not fully explained here so he may well feel that too.

I understand U feeling conflicted, OP,so I agree with PP - the best compromise may be for u to take the DC on holiday n for DH to stay at home until DSD is either well enough to leave n he can then join u or she is well enough to travel n they can both join u.

I don't think the fact that DSD's mum didn't seek treatment quickly enough is relevant to ur actual immediate problem tho. U r angry n that is fair enough but ur anger is colouring ur view of this situation. Ignore why it happened - DH can raise that as a separate matter, perhaps even formally if he is sure it was a neglect issue - just concentrate on the fact it has happened n resolve it best u can. GL!

[clam]

"I could no sooner go on holiday n leave my sick DD in hospital than I could fly in the air."

May need to run and take cover for saying this, but I don't think there are many mums who would. Lots of children are used to their dads not being on the scene 24/7 for all sorts of reasons (yes, yes, some mums too!), so it's not always quite the same. If dsd in this case is used to being with her mum as resident parent and seeing her dad less often, it might not feel quite so odd for him to be absent this coming week.

[goldglittershitter]

That is a good point clam , I'm looking at it from the RP's perspective I suppose? . I couldn't because I have my children with me permanently, it may be easier for the NRP who may often go a week without seeing their DC as a matter of course.

We don't know tho do we, OP hasn't said what DH thinks has she? Unless I've missed it?

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Actually clam you make a good point. It was always my mum who I wanted when I was ill. Ds is the same. It might not feel so strange to the dsd as long as her mum is there. But I still question why a father wouldn't want to be around while his daughter is in hospital, for his own peace of mind if nothing else. It is not inconceivable that she could take a turn for the worse.

[BlahBlahUsername]

I will be amazed if the Op comes back tomorrow and says they, or even just her DH, have decided to stay home.

As she says, as a non-driver with three dc's, including one with SN, she will find it very hard to cope without him there.

And what would he be doing, awkwardly hanging out in his dd's hospital room with her dm? I doubt she needs both parents there, and if she is hospitalized and the holiday is for a week I also doubt that she'd be fit to fly out in a few days just for 3 or 4 days away.

So why negatively impact the whole family?

[HarveySchlumpfenburger]

Fact is it's pretty brilliant of you all to have invited DSD along in the first place on your family holiday because you all get on so well.

OK I've committed the cardinal sin of not RTFT, but I got distracted by this. WTAF. Comments like this make me hugely grateful for my step-parents and the fact that I am part of two families ,not 1 family and a spare wheel in someone else's.

Invited DSD on your family holiday FFS. No she's going on their family holiday because she's part of their family.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

But if it was one of her dc in hospital, she would either need to cancel the whole holiday or one of them would stay at home whilst the other parent took 3 children including one with sn alone. So what's the difference?

She wouldn't need to. Plenty of parents may be perfectly ok about still going on the holiday and arranging for a grandparent or other family member to provide any support needed for the unwell child.

One of my children has a disability (autism) that prevents him flying this does not mean all my other children have to miss out, on a few occasions he has stayed with his dad's ex wife whilst we took the others, he had a wonderful time and was cared for very well by someone we consider to be a loving family member.


When my daughter had her accident and was in hospital for 10 months I needed to take two of the other children to another continent for contact her father was unable to stay with her because he had some quite reasonable commitments that he could not change, child that can not fly stayed with dads ex wife again,I travelled with the other kids, paternal grandmother stayed with child in hospital paternal grandfather travelled with me as no matter how organised I am I needed help on the journey.

Nobody was undervalued nobody was disturbed by any of these arangements everybody was cared for by someone who loves them.

I wouldn't think any less of any parent for going on the holiday as long as someone who loved the child was able to provide assistance and support to them during their illness.

An infrequent holiday meaning that flexibility with contact happens is not the same as not wanting to stop going to the pub with your mates every other Friday night and it does not mean that the NRP is not taking responsibility.

[overthemill]

I'm a stepmum to 2 and my DH have a dad too. If one if the kids was ill we would postpone or rearrange. In fact it's exactly what we did do years ago when one of my dsc had a very severe pneumonia diagnosed the day before we were due to go in a weeks holiday. Luckily we were going in UK and we could just get there a few days late. We only had 4 nights away rather tahn7 but we couldn't go without him and we needed him to be well enough to travel. It was a no brainer.

I don't think you are awful. You are torn and desperate for a holiday. I get that. But jane if your party is in hospital and you can postpone or cancel if you have insurance at little cost to you although it will be inconvenient. I would think less of your DH to go in holiday without his doc who is clearly very sick. They don't admit people for no reason