..to still go on Holiday, without DSD??

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DSD (12) was due to arrive here today, until the end of the school holidays, as we are going on holiday on Friday, for a week.
DSD has just returned from a holiday abroad with her DM, SF, and their own toddler DS.
We have received a message that DSD she can't come to us yet, as she's too poorly to travel. They finished their holiday, and then after the plane touched down, drove straight home, called their local doctor out, who had her transfered to hospital. She is really unwell, and has been for a WEEK, while on holiday. An infection has been untreated, and got worse as the days went on.
DH phoned his DD's Mum, who said she'd been unwell for a few days on their holiday, but she didn't get a doctor to come out- as it would have been too expensive. DH said the Insurance should have covered that? But she said it didn't ie, she went on holiday without insurance?
If those tables were turned, and we brought her back to her Mum ill, no doctor seen and no insurance, there would be an absolute war on.
But this is the real problem- we are going on our own family holiday on Friday morning.
DSD, is now too ill to travel. She will not be fit to fly, let alone enjoy a holiday.
Her cheeky DM, says we should postpone our holiday, until DD is well enough to come.
We have refused. We don't see why our 3 other children should be disappointed and miss their holiday, because their Sister's Mum refused to seek treatment for her when she actually needed it? She would have been better by now, this was totally avoidable. Now DSD is back in the UK, too ill to have a holiday with us, we are being called every name under the sun, becuase we are still continuing with the Holiday. It is paid for, and we intend on going. DSD has after all just had a holiday, 3 DCs here haven't.
I just wanted opinions if possible. Would you go?

Oh for fucks sake.

Mum messed up badly, I am sure she knows that now and it doesn't mean that now she knows how bad it was that she will continue to neglect her. It is possible that mum didn't know how unwell she was and now she does she regrets her actions. She might just be a negligent arse, but we don't really know that.

She will not be allowed out of hospital until she is well enough and if the hospital thought for one moment that the mother was negligent and the daughter should not be in her care it would be raised as a safe guarding issue. As they are happy to discharge the daughter into her mother's care I think we can safely say that they are happy she will be safe to return to her mother.

She has an infection, she is not seriously unwell anymore. She does not need two parents by her side. The other children do not need to miss out on a holiday because their sister is on antibiotics and has another parent to care for her.

I spent years in and out of hospital and parents worked, sometimes family had to visit instead, it was rare to see two parents at a bedside together.

It's not a choice between being a responsible parent and going on holiday.

Yes, it really is.

And the op was quite happy to make a dig about the mother going on her hen weekend whilst the daughter was having her apendix out. Double standards!

It's only a holiday. People have become so precious about holidays.

DSD is in hospital. No one goes on holiday - pretty simple really.

The other children don't need to miss their holiday, the op can take them herself, she doesn't need a bloody chaperone!

I'm autistic and would not wish a meltdown on my worst enemy. It is sheer psychological torment and far worse than any physical pain I have ever experienced. I'm not convinced that I ever recover from them fully either although putting them out of my mind becomes easier with time.

ICI was not exaggerating when she said that cancelling could cause problems to him in the future when things such as holidays are planned.

As I said earlier the OP's autistic DS does need to learn to deal with disruption. That doesn't mean however that he could cope with something as big as a holiday cancelled at the last minute at such a tender age. I'm 39 and still struggle with disruption unless I'm in at least partial control of it.

I'd say that there is a big difference between the disappointment which a neurotypical child might experience over a cancelled holiday (sounds from thus thread that they get over it fairly soon) and a full blown meltdown.

OP - you know your DS and how it is likely to affect him. I'm not saying he can escape disruption indefinitely but you should know whether cancellation now would be too much for him and balance that against your DSD (who has someone else to care for her).

Yes he can let down his other dc to sit twiddling his thumbs on standby while his dd is in hospital or with the rp or he can take his family on holiday and see dsd she he returns

Or he can postpone his holiday until he can take all four of his children on holiday together.

BTW I just started working on the wards and I was surprised by how thorough they are with safeguarding. If there is any doubt at all that people can be cared for properly after discharge people are brought in to check it out more then it is passed onto other services if needed.

Yep LJ If the OP wants to go on her own then she should. But DH should stay.

Absolutely.

He's clearly happy to ignore it so he can go on holiday.

Alice, where precisely do you get that from? We don't know what the father is or is not "happy" to do. He's in a very difficult situation the full ramifications of which are not known to you; really, how dare you characterise him from behind your computer screen as some sort of heartless villain?

And why do you keep avoiding the fact that this isn't just the father going on holiday, it's three other children who have had no holiday? Rearranging contact to minimise distress to those children in no way equates to refusing to allow a child to go back to her mother when there has been no finding that that mother is unfit.

And, in relation to your own children, if there were satisfactory arrangements you could make which would have avoided causing them the distress of changing holiday arrangements at the last minute, wouldn't you have taken those steps?

It's not a choice between being a responsible parent and going on holiday.

Yes, it really is.

No, it really isn't. Because there is a third choice, namely being a responsible parent and going on holiday. And arguably that is the most responsible choice given his obligations to the other children.

All of you saying it's so easy to postpone a holiday, I'm assuming you either don't work, or work somewhere that toy can easily book a different week off at the last minute?

If we had to postpone a holiday, we'd have to postpone it for a while year with the holiday policies where I work.

But if it was one of her dc in hospital, she would either need to cancel the whole holiday or one of them would stay at home whilst the other parent took 3 children including one with sn alone. So what's the difference?

Who would go on holiday when their 12 year old child was in hospital? It shows how consumerist our society has become that people are seriously suggesting this as an option.

And she doesn't need to take all 3 dc, she can leave the 12 month old at home with dh while he takes care of his dd.

Exactly Itsmine

If either of my parents had gone on holiday whilst I was in hospital as a child, I can hand on heart say I wouldn't have the same, close, trusting relationship I have with them now.

By ignoring her daughters illness and therefore causing her to become hospitalised due to a nasty, severe infection makes her an unfit mother.

So, by that logic, Lj, the child should never go back to her mother at all. Seriously? Even though the father and OP, who actually know all the facts, who don't minimise what the mother has done, haven't suggested that? Even though the hospital hasn't suggested it? And that wouldn't in any way be a hysterical over-reaction?

And - what U2 said.

But ds's holiday will be disrupted because dsd isn't coming. He will have to come to terms with that anyway. DH and younger siblings not coming would be a further step and I don't know how much worse that would be for him than just postponing the whole thing.

how dare you characterise him from behind your computer screen as some sort of heartless villain?

Oh you are amusing. I'm "characterising him from behind a computer screen as a heartless villian" but you can freely accuse me of having no knowledge of autism from behind your computer screen. Of course, you didn't know that I have 2 dcs on the spectrum. I love a good set of double standards.

And, in relation to your own children, if there were satisfactory arrangements you could make which would have avoided causing them the distress of changing holiday arrangements at the last minute, wouldn't you have taken those steps?

No. It wasn't an option. We'd prefer to wait until we can all go as a family. They were upset, we dealt with it. FFS they have meltdowns daily, I'm not ever going to be able to stop all meltdowns. Anyone that thinks that is possible is delusional at best. Regardless of their SNs, I still have to make responsible parenting choices.

I'm just going by what the op has said and implied about the mother, icimoi.

It'smine...erm I hope you don't need hospitalising with a chest infection.