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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to still go on Holiday, without DSD??

474 replies

ViVeriVeniversumVivusVicii · 26/08/2015 23:54

DSD (12) was due to arrive here today, until the end of the school holidays, as we are going on holiday on Friday, for a week.
DSD has just returned from a holiday abroad with her DM, SF, and their own toddler DS.
We have received a message that DSD she can't come to us yet, as she's too poorly to travel. They finished their holiday, and then after the plane touched down, drove straight home, called their local doctor out, who had her transfered to hospital. She is really unwell, and has been for a WEEK, while on holiday. An infection has been untreated, and got worse as the days went on.
DH phoned his DD's Mum, who said she'd been unwell for a few days on their holiday, but she didn't get a doctor to come out- as it would have been too expensive. DH said the Insurance should have covered that? But she said it didn't ie, she went on holiday without insurance?
If those tables were turned, and we brought her back to her Mum ill, no doctor seen and no insurance, there would be an absolute war on.
But this is the real problem- we are going on our own family holiday on Friday morning.
DSD, is now too ill to travel. She will not be fit to fly, let alone enjoy a holiday.
Her cheeky DM, says we should postpone our holiday, until DD is well enough to come.
We have refused. We don't see why our 3 other children should be disappointed and miss their holiday, because their Sister's Mum refused to seek treatment for her when she actually needed it? She would have been better by now, this was totally avoidable. Now DSD is back in the UK, too ill to have a holiday with us, we are being called every name under the sun, becuase we are still continuing with the Holiday. It is paid for, and we intend on going. DSD has after all just had a holiday, 3 DCs here haven't.
I just wanted opinions if possible. Would you go?

OP posts:

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 27/08/2015 15:19

Her main home to recover. Oh, you mean the main home with the mother that neglected to get her proper medical care to begin with? The one the OP went on and on about how irresponsible she was with dsd's health?

Oh yeah. That one.

Icimoi · 27/08/2015 15:20

Yes, I believe that's called "selective parenting" as in "I want to go on holiday and an ill child doesn't fit in with my plans, so I want them another week when it's not inconvenient to me. You're the mum, so you just rearrange everything you may have planned, because my holiday is more important than your plans or my daughter's health."

No it isn't. The reality is that the father has to take into account that he has three other children who have had no holiday, one of whom is autistic who will be caused severe distress by having plans changed at the last minute. He has a child who has been made ill unnecessarily, but who is responding well to antibiotics and will almost certainly be out of hospital very soon and simply needs to rest. There is therefore realistically no issue about the daughter's health. And yes, the other children's holiday and wellbeing are more important than the mother's plans when the entire situation has been brought about by her selfishness.

Itsmine · 27/08/2015 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lj8893 · 27/08/2015 15:23

If the other parent of my child had caused my child to be hospitalised due to their irresponsible and neglectful behaviour, there is not a chance I would be going on holiday and leaving said parent to care for my child while she gets better.

Icimoi · 27/08/2015 15:24

Two of those 3 young dc will likely deal with it fine, the third may be upset, but these things happen.

Oh, for goodness sake, do you know anything about autism, Alice? It's not necessarily a matter of being "upset", it can be a massive anxiety attack, severe distress and meltdowns, and continued anxiety attacks (for fear of another last minute cancellation) leading up to every planned holiday and outing in the future? Yes, "these things" do happen, but isn't it the job of a responsible parent to look at what can be done to avoid it where possible? And if that means his daughter convalescing at home with her mother, which she probably wants to do anyway, is that so terrible?

LittleLionMansMummy · 27/08/2015 15:24

Op you say how much you love your dsd and until the end of one of your most recent posts I thought "Aww, she sounds lovely and genuine." Then you finished by saying two of your dc would miss out on Cinderella etc because 'dsd has a sore chest' and I was a bit dumbfounded tbh. Terrific bit of minimising going on there. I think you mean she's been hospitalised due to the severity of infection and is consequently receiving intravenous antibiotics. And before anyone calls me a hysterical drama queen, those are the facts. As I stepmum I also feel qualified to comment - I would still be horrified if my dh considered holidaying while his dd - our ds's sister - was still in hospital.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 27/08/2015 15:25

Yes, it is. There are other options. They are just choosing not to take them. Let's not dress this up any other way. He is going on holiday while his daughter is ill in the hospital and leaving her in the care (when she gets out of hospital) of the mother that they are accusing of neglecting dsd's health to begin with, even though this week is his week to be responsible for her with contact.

It doesn't matter how you dress it up as a concern for the other children. He is reneging on his contact time because it's inconvenient and he doesn't want to miss his holiday. It's deplorable IMO.

Icimoi · 27/08/2015 15:27

So, Alice, have you now appointed yourself judge and decided that DSD can never live with her mother again? Because if she's not able to go to her mother next week as she's so unfit, then why should that situation change the week after, and the week after that? Are you advocating that OP and her husband refuse to let the child go home and risk all the legal penalties that would flow from that?

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 27/08/2015 15:28

Oh, for goodness sake, do you know anything about autism, Alice?

I'd like to think so, as my 9yo is autistic and my 6yo is being assessed for it and likely to be dx'd with it very soon.

Icimoi · 27/08/2015 15:30

So think about how that would work, Lj8893. Social services haven't been involved, so obviously no-one at the hospital is saying this is an unfit mother. Suppose when your child came out of hospital it wasn't your week to have contact. How exactly do you imagine you could prevent your child going home to the care of the other parent?

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 27/08/2015 15:30

Icimoi My, aren't we taking this hard? I don't believe I said that at all.

But it's very interesting that the OP went on and on about how neglectful the mum was over her negligence in not providing appropriate medical care for the dsd, but she's quite happy to have dsd go straight from hospital into the care of the mum again.

Speaks volumes about her priorities.

Sallystyle · 27/08/2015 15:30

Surely most sensible separated parents work on the rational assumption that there will be flexibility about contact, that emergencies do arise, and they should be prepared to do a bit of chopping and changing occasionally?

You would think so, wouldn't you?

But not on MN. If it is the man's week for contact then it is his week. Changing plans means he isn't stepping up to the plate.

Again.. only on MN.

Lj8893 · 27/08/2015 15:32

Icimoi, the op made it very clear that the mother is an unfit mother and prioritised her holiday, fun, finances and other child (due to car sickness etc). I'm just going by what I have read from the op.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 27/08/2015 15:32

Suppose when your child came out of hospital it wasn't your week to have contact.

Ah, but it IS his week for contact. And he's choosing to go on holiday without her and leave her with the mother that the OP claims is neglecting the dsd's health. You can make up situations all you like to suit your argument, but that's irrelevant.

He has a choice. Be a responsible parent to his dd or go on holiday. It's all about priorities.

Sallystyle · 27/08/2015 15:33

I come from a very successful "blended family". Successful because my mother never insisted me having a holiday was more important than my older half brothers health

My children come from a very successful blended family. Where me and my ex were friends and worked together.

That is why we were successful.

Icimoi · 27/08/2015 15:34

Alice, in that case I find it extraordinary that you seem to know nothing about the wide range of the autism spectrum and that you minimise the distress that can be caused to some children with autism when long-planned arrangements are changed at the last minute.

And just how far do you suggest the father should go in preventing DSD from going back to her mother? Is he supposed to ignore whatever agreed arrangements or court order they have in place to prevent her going back ever? If she were that unfit, surely the hospital would have called in social services by now?

Lj8893 · 27/08/2015 15:35

And even if I couldn't prevent my child going into the care of that parent, I would make sure I was in close proximity in case anything else went wrong.

I don't know why the op can't just take her dc alone, even if she left the baby at home with dh to make it easier. Or why they can't just cancel and postpone the holiday.

Lj8893 · 27/08/2015 15:37

Well if she's not that unfit, then the op needn't have dramatised the situation.

Icimoi · 27/08/2015 15:39

Alice, somewhat blatant avoidance on your part there. How about answering my question about what you say the father could have done to prevent his child going home to her mother if the holiday didn't come into the equation and it hadn't been his week for contact?

It's not a choice between being a responsible parent and going on holiday. The choice also involves responsible parenting of his other children in a situation where the mother apparently plans to take her daughter home when she comes out of hospital anyway and he could not, as a matter of law, prevent her from doing so.

Lj8893 · 27/08/2015 15:39

And I know several parents who are damn well unfit and social services are definetly not on the scene so that's a stupid argument too.

Icimoi · 27/08/2015 15:40

Lj, you can't have it both ways. The situation is what it is, but unless social services or a judge say the mother is an unfit parent, it's not for you or anyone else on MN to say different.

Itsmine · 27/08/2015 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 27/08/2015 15:42

Icimoi I find it extraordinary that you think that I "seem to know nothing about the wide range of the autism spectrum" and that I've minimised any distress. As I said, I deal with two extremely challenging children on a daily basis. Children that come unglued at any number of times during the day, nevermind cancelling a holiday. But that is exactly what I had to do earlier this summer. I had to explain to them that the holiday had to be cancelled at the last minute due to illness. Yes, they were upset. Yes, they got past it. It was stressful, but as a parent, I made the right decision.

As far as the father returning the dsd to the mother after his contact time, that's irrelevant, as it has nothing to do with the holiday situation.

Is he supposed to ignore whatever agreed arrangements or court order they have in place to prevent her going back ever?

He's clearly happy to ignore it so he can go on holiday.

Lj8893 · 27/08/2015 15:42

By ignoring her daughters illness and therefore causing her to become hospitalised due to a nasty, severe infection makes her an unfit mother. That's certainly what the op has implied anyway.

Icimoi · 27/08/2015 15:42

The point is, Lj, that this child is in hospital. If the hospital authorities thought she would be in danger in going back to her mother the likelihood is that they would have called in social services. The fact that you can anecdotally cite "several" (really?) cases of children left with unfit parents with no social services involvement proves nothing whatsoever.

And, just maybe, the hospital and the child's father know more about it than you do?

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