To insist DD has her hair cut?

[Scoobydoo494]

DD2 (12) has really long (waist length) knotty hair that is a general PITA. It hardly ever gets brushed unless I give in and do it myself. Getting her to brush/wash/dry it is traumatic and if I didn't insist it would go unwashed for weeks. Last night it was matted underneath which took nearly an hour to get out even with a tangle teaser. When I suggest she has it cut to a more suitable length she says it's her hair so she can do what she wants . AIBU to insist on her having it cut? Or is she too old for that? 12 is such a tricky age! Thanks in advance.

Usually I'd say that it's her hair and therefore her choice but long hair is a big commitment and she's not taking care of it so no, YANBU. Knotty, unwashed hair is not nice looking and, frankly, will smell really quickly so she either needs to take the time and care that long hair needs or she loses it until she can commit to it.

I'd give her a "choice".

Unless she looks after her hair and brushes it twice daily to an acceptable standard, she has to either

1. Get it cut

or

2. Go without certain treats / privileges.

I think (and bear in mind my stroppy DD is only 7!) that Id say if she wants to look like Swampy in the holidays that's up to her.

How is she about looking after herself generally? Very long hair is tricky to wash and brush by yourself- I was still helping did with hers at this age.

Does she like the way it looks?

Go without treats or privileges. Bit extreme do you not think. I've never heard of a child being peniilised over the length of their hair
I don't think you can insist. It's her hair. But as Derek says. Let her look after it herself

Having been forced to have my hair cut into a very short style when I was about six that I HATED, I am loath to say this, but I actually don't think YABU at all... At twelve years old she is old enough to learn to take some responsibility for brushing her own hair. Maybe set her a number of times per week it has to be washed, and that she brushes it at least twice a day? Maybe a review of how she is doing after a couple of months and make it clear that if she doesn't manage it she will need to have it cut to a more manageable style? She might actually feel like it's too much faff to look after and want it cutting after that time anyway?

Sorry, posted too soon. In term time I'd think as with pets, so with hair - if she wants to keep it she has to take full responsibility for looking after it, so I'd stop helping and let her take the natural consequences of getting into bother at school if it looks awful.

I wouldn't want a scruffy looking 12 year old. It will be unpleasant and she won't thank you in the future for 'letting' her have matted, greasy hair.
I'm not sure how you would force her to get it cut, nor how you'd force her to wash it if she did. Very tricky.

YANBU for wanting her to either look after it or cut it to a manageable length.

Maybe show her some pictures of nice sleek hair and go and buy some products together. She should be proud of her long locks!

It's all very well saying get her to look after it herself- but do mKe sure she can first. As I said, my dd still needed help at 12 to make sure it was properly rinsed and to get the knots out at the back.

I should mention that when I was 12, I had very, very long curly hair and I was perfectly capable of washing and caring for it by myself.

We'll just ignore the fact that no-one told me you don't brush dry curls so I spent the early 2000's looking like Brian May.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost
I don't think it's about the length of her hair, rather the fact that the lazy little moo won't brush or wash her hair. OP, YANBU.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost If you re read my post you will see that I am not suggesting the OP's DD is penalised over "the length of her hair".

I am suggesting she is given to opportunity to prove she can make the effort to look after it, and if not, then should be penalised for letting it get matted / smelly / scruffy.

I would go for the choice option, she either looks after it or it gets cut.
YANBU.

i always wanted short hair as a child and was not allowed to cut it, and that rankles to this day, so I wouldn't force the issue

i would prefer that my dds have their hair bobbed, as it looks great and is really low maintenance. however they both choose to have long hair. my rules are that they can have it whatever length they choose, but I will tolerate no moaning about washing/drying/sorting out tangles, nor about if and how it needs to be pinned/tied for certain activities.

I think in your case I might insist that if she can't look after it then you'll enforce a twice weekly wash, condition and detangle. TBH you'll still have to fight this battle even if you cut. I wouldn't leave her be, tempting as that is. Dirty hair smells, and smelly kids never popular.

I think I'd want to find out why she isn't.

What does she say when you talk about it, OP?

she should be able to choose for herself.

But she should also be able to look after it herself!

If she is not mature enough to look after her own hair, she is not mature enough to choose her own hairstyle.

I think in your case I might insist that if she can't look after it then you'll enforce a twice weekly wash, condition and detangle.

But that's the whole point of the thread. The OP is fed up doing this, it took her over an HOUR recently. Her DD is old enough and capable of looking after her own hair, she just won't do it.

She needs to do it herself, without nagging, or get it cut.

If she is not mature enough to look after her own hair, she is not mature enough to choose her own hairstyle.

This ^^^^^

Mine is long, thick and wavy and was very prone to tatts when younger. A Tangle Teezer is great - for some hair. It's a nightmare on mine. Buy her a wide toothed Afro comb and some cheap conditioner. She combs it through when she conditions it.

Fwiw tatts, in my case, usually signify that I need a trim.

DD (7) has waist length hair and can wash and condition it herself. We used to think a tangle teezer was the best thing ever until we found this Wet Brush
and it is even better. DD can do her own hair with it. She has been told that if if doesn't get brushed, it gets cut.

I have a 12 year old dd. I wouldn't enforce a haircut on her. You may give her the gift of manageable hair but you may also trample all over her sense of self and completely alienate her. Sounds like your dd is letting her hair get to the stage where it is too hard for her to deal with. Is there a way you could build hair brushing into her routine - maybe in front of the telly. Or maybe a mother / daughter trip to the hairdresser with an advice session on conditioning etc thrown in. My dd would spend half her life up a tree covered in mud and then mither in bed stinking the rest of the time if I let her. With a LOT of encouragement she is mostly respectable. She has very delicate self esteem and if I handle her wrong she just doesn't make an effort. I definitely understand the frustration.

If she gets it trimmed every 6 weeks it will really help with the tangles. I would insist on a twice weekly wash. Much easier if she puts loads of conditioner in then combs it through then washes it out. Then if u dry it for her it will help stop it tangling

I agree. A trip to the hairdressers is in order, they'll wash and condition it, trim the dead ends off and it'll make her feel better about her hair. But please leave the Tangle Teeser away from it!