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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist DD has her hair cut?

87 replies

Scoobydoo494 · 26/08/2015 10:20

DD2 (12) has really long (waist length) knotty hair that is a general PITA. It hardly ever gets brushed unless I give in and do it myself. Getting her to brush/wash/dry it is traumatic and if I didn't insist it would go unwashed for weeks. Last night it was matted underneath which took nearly an hour to get out even with a tangle teaser. When I suggest she has it cut to a more suitable length she says it's her hair so she can do what she wants Hmm. AIBU to insist on her having it cut? Or is she too old for that? 12 is such a tricky age! Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
scarlets · 26/08/2015 15:43

If it gets really rank, she will be teased at school and forever remembered as the kid with disgusting hair. I reckon it's your job to protect her from this. Remind her that long hair is lovely, but its upkeep is a commitment, and say that if your hard work today is in vain you'll be taking her to the hairdresser.

catzpyjamas · 26/08/2015 15:49

NickiFury, I was actually surprised at how well it works.

Original poster
Scoobydoo494 · 26/08/2015 16:32

Thanks for all the responses! I'm glad I'm not being totally unreasonable and that I'm on the same page as a lot of you! I gave her the choice of having it cut or looking after it herself back in June. It didn't help but I think she thinks I won't make her have it cut. FWIW she is perfectly capable and can do it properly when she wants to, she's just so lazy!! She put it's into a messy bun sometimes for school but it makes it even more obvious that it hasn't been washed in days. She says she doesn't wash it much because "it's too much effort" but refuses to have it cut at the same time! I think I'm at the point where I need to insist she has it cut and preferably before back to school. But how do I go about it? What about if she cries at the hairdressers? Or refuses to go? Or maybe I'm just being way to soft! Sad

OP posts:
HemlockStarglimmer · 26/08/2015 16:35

I've just ordered that brush.

OP I could have written your post almost word for word. I wish I had some advice for you and am reading the thread with interest.

Bakeoffcake · 26/08/2015 17:19

How can you possibly MAKE a 12 year old have her hair cut unless she agree to? like you say OP she might refuse to go.

I personally think it's the refusal to wash it that's the issue. My DD has long thick hair, as do all her friends. When they were teenagers, messy tangled hair seems to be the "in" thing. Yes it looks messy but it didn't bother me, there are far worse things a teenager could be doing. Their hair was always clean though..

So I'd have a chat and try to come up with a plan together. Tell her that something has to be done, so you both don't have to waste an hour detangling. That you will drop the threat of a radicle hair cut if she agrees to brushing it every night whilst watching TV maybe, and you will help, (if she wants) but she must wash her hair at least twice a week.

CalmYourselfTubbs · 26/08/2015 17:20

leave her sort herself out.
no way would i bother with a stroppy 12 year old's hair.
simply make it clear to her that if she wants to be the smelly kid at school then fine, but that name will follow her for the rest of her life.

Bakeoffcake · 26/08/2015 17:26

Also even if you do persuade her to get it cut, if she doesn't wash it it still going to be smelly and greasy, so you haven't solved much. Sort the washing problem out, let her keep it watever length she likes and ifpgnore the none brushing(though I would offer to help with that)

landrover · 26/08/2015 17:28

Surely you can persuade her to have it washed and styled professionally, they can then advice her to have some layers which will make it 100% easier, i promise x

Penfold007 · 26/08/2015 17:39

OP and those in favour of making this girl get her hair cut - how? I'm being serious, how do you make a 12 year old 'have' their hair cut? No hairdresser will cut the hair of a young child who fidgets never mind a 12 year old's hair.

You need to be finding out why DD is neglecting her personal hygiene and appearance.

I have very long hair and am well aware of how painful knots and tangles can be. Throw away the tangleteaze,r invest in a decent brush and a nice wide toothed comb. Get DD to wash her hair in the shower and don't rub it into knots, rinse well and use plenty of conditioner on the tips. Comb from tip to root in small sections. A plait at night and a pony tail during the day both help.

ArcheryAnnie · 26/08/2015 18:20

Penfold you make a 12-year-old have her hair cut by saying "you have to have your hair cut, if you aren't willing to look after it or keep it clean".

If that's impossible to put into practice, then you've got bigger problems than just a kid with dirty hair.

iamaboveandBeyond · 26/08/2015 18:29

Umm, actually i'm kind of wary to bring this up...

But isnt it common for people who are being sexually abused to purposely neglect their appearance to try to put their abuser off...?

googoodolly · 26/08/2015 18:33

Or she could just be a lazy teenager?!

RaspberryOverload · 26/08/2015 18:51

If she wanted a tattoo, nobody here would be saying "her body, her choice"

That's because there's an actual law in place that under-18s can't have tattoos.

Original poster
Scoobydoo494 · 26/08/2015 21:08

A little worried about that above and beyond. I don't have any reason to believe that anything like that should be going on but still feel sick at the thought Sad.
So it's not cruel to do make her have it done archery annie? Am I being too soft? What about if she makes a fuss at the hairdressers? Thank you

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 26/08/2015 21:29

Archery I get what your saying about 'directing' the hair cut but still say in reality it's not that easy. Scooby wants the best for her daughter and that's not an enforced hair cut.

insanityscatching · 26/08/2015 22:25

I would definitely not try and have my dd's hair cut against her wishes. She is 12, it's part of her identity and she would cause a real scene in the hairdresser's I imagine and don't think a hairdresser would be willing to cut someones hair against their will. It sounds like she needs help and support to keep her hair long and so for now you might need to accept that you are going to need to help. Two washes a week and a daily brush isn't that time consuming tbh and it must be better than sending your dd out unkempt and possibly open to comments from her peers.

Original poster
Scoobydoo494 · 26/08/2015 23:16

So do you think I should carry on doing it for her until she is older insanity? I don't want to be a soft touch either though!

OP posts:
Bakeoffcake · 27/08/2015 00:03

You aren't being a soft touch Scooby if you help her. Gosh, my dd is now 21 and I help her with lots of things, it doesn't mean I'm a soft touch, it's what families who love and care for each other do.

insanityscatching · 27/08/2015 00:11

Well dd1 is 22 now and a very independent and resourceful young woman with a good job in banking that I still helped with her hair when she was twelve doesn't seem to have held her back at all. I see it as part and parcel of being a Mum supporting them until they can do it themselves. Some manage it sooner than others but there is nothing wrong with needing help for a bit longer IMO. Heck my older ones now do things for me because they are bigger and stronger than I am it's part and parcel of being a family.

carabos · 27/08/2015 08:35

If she's avoiding washing it because the process is so difficult and tedious, then she needs better products. I have bra strap length, thick, wavy hair. I also have a horse. Serendipitiously, it turns out that horse products, specifically Canter Mane & Tail and Cowboy Magic are perfect for smoothing thick, coarse, long hair horse's tails. Cowboy Magic is actually an American human hair-care product which for some reason in this country is almost exclusively sold in tack shops - it's a tube of a loose sort of gel.

Canter Mane & Tail is a spray in detangler - spray it in wet hair. It smells nice and the effect is long-lasting. No harm done IME and my hair is coloured and highlighted.

I second plaiting - I often do that after washing it at night.

She needs to understand how offensive long, dirty hair is. I worked with a woman who had waist length, unwashed, unkempt hair which she constantly tossed around . It was sort of morbidly fascinating it was so revolting.

Mrsjayy · 27/08/2015 08:40

Dd2 hair was a nightmare got tangled knotty she needed her hair cut or thinned every 8 weeks or so, why have you allowed her to have waist length hair if its so tuggy when was it last cut ? Take her to get it cut and start again.

Mrsjayy · 27/08/2015 08:42

I was still sorting dds hair at 12 it is so thick and frizzy it was a lot to take care of.

sneepy · 27/08/2015 08:50

What if you looked at pictures of long layered cuts with her? See if there's anything she likes then take the pic to the hairdresser. Bra strap length is still long but much easier to care for and if the layers are done well can look nice with not a lot of maintenance. Taking the dead ends off will cut down on tangles and it's always nice to start school with a fab haircut....

Girlfriend36 · 27/08/2015 08:56

I wouldn't make a big deal about it, make her appointment at the hairdresser because she hasn't kept to her side of the bargain. I like long hair but messy, greasy, tangly hair makes my teeth itch and if it were my 12yo she would have had it chopped much shorter a long time ago Wink

Once she is at the hair dresser make sure you insist she gets a decent amount cut off.

Bunbaker · 27/08/2015 09:08

I think landrover has the best suggestion. I agree that if your daughter leaves her hair to become smelly and matted the girls at school will soon be pointing it out to her.