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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist DD has her hair cut?

87 replies

Scoobydoo494 · 26/08/2015 10:20

DD2 (12) has really long (waist length) knotty hair that is a general PITA. It hardly ever gets brushed unless I give in and do it myself. Getting her to brush/wash/dry it is traumatic and if I didn't insist it would go unwashed for weeks. Last night it was matted underneath which took nearly an hour to get out even with a tangle teaser. When I suggest she has it cut to a more suitable length she says it's her hair so she can do what she wants Hmm. AIBU to insist on her having it cut? Or is she too old for that? 12 is such a tricky age! Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 26/08/2015 11:14

It doesn't matter if loads of people could manage their long hair at the age of 5- my ds couldn't entirely at 12. So I helped her. That's why I think the OP should find out why her dd can't/won't look after her hair.

Whatevva · 26/08/2015 11:31

I had impossible-to-keep-brushed long hair as a child and the only way to keep it in order was to put it in a long, loose plait at night. Then it went into a pony tail for school. It was a great aunt who suggested this - it was how people manage their hair when she was young, before they all went out and had it 'bobbed' in the 1920s.

I also had a decent Mason Pearson hairbrush which made a huge difference. Any sort of comb is useless, except for combing through conditioner, which is essential.

My mother insisted on having it cut when I was 11, then it stuck out like bluddy Crystal Tips.
i1.wp.com/www.tvcream.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/crystal-tipps-and-alistair-300x180.jpg
She did not take me to the hair dressers regularly and resented spending the money, so it was not helpful.

iamaboveandBeyond · 26/08/2015 11:35

I agree with finding out why she doesnt do it. I was a pita as an early teen with personal hygiene. Get to age thirty and find out i am autistic.

NickiFury · 26/08/2015 11:39

I've ordered that brush catz. We have got six tangle takers as did has very long hair and being without one doesn't bear thinking about. Looking forward to seeing if it's even better Smile

Boosiehs · 26/08/2015 11:43

I have to say I like long hair, but not excessively so. A friend's daughter has waist length hair and it gets in everything (food etc), she never ties it back and being around it makes me want to barf.

I realise this is my issue, I just thank heavens I have a boy....

googoodolly · 26/08/2015 11:45

Give her a choice. She either looks after it herself (set some rules - brush twice a day, wash two-three times a week, deep condition once a week) or she gets it cut.

She doesn't get to keep it long at her age if she can't look after it. She's old enough to look after it herself if she wants to keep it long.

BertrandRussell · 26/08/2015 11:47

Why are some people so unwilling to help their children?

googoodolly · 26/08/2015 11:59

I get the feeling OP would be more willing if the DD at least tried to look after it herself. Matted hair that isn't washed or brushed properly isn't the sign of someone who's trying and struggling, it's someone who can't be bothered and expects her mum to do it all!

My hair has always been fine, curly and flyway and it was a nightmare to keep under control at that age. BUT I tried. I washed it regularly and brushed it and because of that, my mum was willing to help me style it or straighten it when I needed it. But if I'd never washed it and let it turn into a matted mess, I would have been told in in uncertain times to look after it or it'd get cut off. She's 12 and perfectly capable of at least trying to wash and brush her hair on own.

feebeecat · 26/08/2015 12:02

I think I'd be more interested in why she doesn't want to brush or wash it - how does it look on a day to day basis? What exactly does she do with it and why does she want it long if not looking after it?
My dd has hair that is longer than that and at 10 is capable of washing, conditioning, brushing and plating it. It has to be plated at night or she just ends up looking like cousin It!! I still help out (when she'll let me) but think it was important for her to learn how to manage it herself if she was insisting on keeping it so ruddy long.
My bottom line with dd is she needs to know how to do this (and she's more than willing to do it herself), she lets me attack her with tangle-teaser, or I get the hairdressing scissors out!!

slug · 26/08/2015 12:02

Ugh! DD has similar hair. She's 13 and has fought to keep it long despite her refusal to care for it adequately. If I do it myself I get tears of pain as I try to deal with the matted mess. It's simply not worth the traumas.

My line nowadays is "Deal with it properly yourself or it will be cut".

Having said that, she's currently sporting shoulder length hair that has been quite aggressively thinned out by a sympathetic hairdresser. If you are in London I recommend these guys highly.

insanityscatching · 26/08/2015 12:06

My dd is 12 and has similarly long hair which is her choice tbh. However I do have to help her make sure that it is washed and rinsed properly and that there are no knots or mats. It's not that much trouble tbh it's only washed two or three times a week and I brush it once daily and tie it up and dd brushes it the rest of the time. I think at 12 it's not unusual to need help because I remember helping dd1 who by 14 had stopped needing any help. Dd1 has never had short hair but dd2 keeps talking about having hers cut to mid length next year. Again it will be her choice.

BarbarianMum · 26/08/2015 12:08

Help in what way? Not very helpful to keep a child reliant on you for a basic element of personal care at age 12 - unless they are busy learning the skills needed to make themselves independent.

Whyamihere · 26/08/2015 12:20

I agree with Whatevva, plait it at night as a minimum, dd use to have a bob but she wanted to grow it and it is a pain if I don't plait it at night. Last week she went to camp and the less said the better about the state of it when she came back, it took an hour to get all the tangles out.

NobodyLivesHere · 26/08/2015 12:33

i insisted my 12 year old have a few inches off hers. it was a rats tail looking mess. she cried, but now sees i've done her a favour. could you compromise on a few inches off?

ArcheryAnnie · 26/08/2015 12:50

I'd tell her she can have whatever style she likes, as long as she learns to take care of it. If she's unwilling to learn to do that, then you get a say in the proceedings. It's her hair, but she's also under your care.

Does she tie it up at all? Because waist-length hair that is left to swing about gets knotty and filthy a lot quicker than waist-length hair that is in a plait.

ToesInTheSand · 26/08/2015 13:09

Her body, her choice.
Force anything and you take that away from her. A truly terrible message.

Nanny0gg · 26/08/2015 13:16

Her body, her choice.

Not when she can't look after it at the age of 12, it's not.

googoodolly · 26/08/2015 13:45

She does have a choice as to how she styles her hair, so long as she looks after it which she isn't doing, so she then gets that choice taken away from her because it's resulting in poor hygiene and matted hair.

RaspberryOverload · 26/08/2015 13:52

If course it's her body, her choice. This might not be what the OP wants for her daughter's hair but where would you draw the line?

There are plenty of people out there, adults, who have parents who still insist on being in control. And a 12 years old has to learn about independence, sometimes the hard way. When she's ridiculed about her hair she'll come round.

But I'd still want to talk to her to find out why. Perhaps she needs something else to help with the hair, maybe she has a sensitive scalp. There are possibilities.

I was that 12 year old once, although by the sounds of it my hair was never so bad. But my mum took me to a hair dresser and my waist length hair was cut so short I looked like a boy. I hated it. And the issue is that really my mum hadn't given me the proper tools to help me care for my hair. I only had a comb and she said that was enough for waist length hair!

There's still a bit of me that has never quite forgiven my mum. And I'm now 46.

googoodolly · 26/08/2015 14:25

But this girl has the tools! She has a brush and a shower and can condition he hair, she just chooses not to, then gets her mum to deal with the aftermath when it's so matted and dirty she can't brush it herself.

Surely you have to draw a line when the "choice" leads to tangled, painful hair care and poor hygiene (and unwashed hair is greasy and stinks). The OP didn't say she was going to give her DD a pixie cut!

landrover · 26/08/2015 14:35

I have had the same problem with my 12 year old. i persuaded her to have a cut and blow dry at the hairdressers (special treat). They have taken a little of the length, but also put long layers into it. It looks gorgeous and she absolutely loves it, also much easier to handle. Definitely would help her xx
Layers are the way to go!

surpriseitsme · 26/08/2015 14:36

She's 12? Give her a brush and leave her to it! My 9 year old won't willingly let me near her hair and my 12 yo would think I had lost the plot if I tried to brush her hair!

ArcheryAnnie · 26/08/2015 15:12

Hmm, I am broadly of the "her body, her choice" thing in most areas of personal care, but she's 12. If she wanted a tattoo, nobody here would be saying "her body, her choice". The OP also has a responsibility to make sure her children are reasonably clean, and fit to go to school.

DepecheNO · 26/08/2015 15:33

Does she understand cause and effect r.e. hair? I was like this when I was 19. Thought brushing once a day was enough and anything more was "unfair", even though it would dread together inside of an hour if I had it rubbing on my collar at work. Had my mother help me dry it if I wanted to look acceptable for a job interview. Sounds dreadful now, and I wish I hadn't cut it, but at the time...

Also may I suggest an undercut? If her hair is very thick, eliminating the bit which rubs at low ponytail height might make it more manageable while keeping the length. I have done this now.

DepecheNO · 26/08/2015 15:36

Should probably add, I'm autistic and dyspraxic, and my mother was still washing my hair when I was fourteen. I can empathise with a possibly neurotypical 12yo thinking the way I did.

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