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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ttc at 22?

151 replies

queenoftheworld93 · 23/08/2015 00:03

Apologies for any posting errors, first time poster.

DP (22) and I (also 22) are childhood sweethearts and have been together for almost 10 years. We are getting married next December and are living in a 2 bedroom house 5 minutes from both sets of parents. We have been living together for 3, maybe almost 4, years.

I'm the same month we marry (Dec 2016) DP will qualify in his role as a paramedic. I already have my degree and work as a teaching assistant. We have little money but we are very happy and do not struggle as DP also does very well paid work on a part time (though seasonal) basis.

We had originally planned to ttc shortly before the wedding but are very strongly considering ttc in the next few months... my worry is that people will think WABU, as in laws etc have stated that we should be both working full time before babies. If we ttc now DP would not be working until baby was a few months old and I would be giving up work temporarily. What to do? Don't feel I can discuss this IRL as this is a sensitive issue but would like opinions :)

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 23/08/2015 00:07

Personally I think that it makes sense to establish yourself in your careers and make some money first. I also think that you might want to enjoy your marriage and your youth before having kids - what's the rush after all?

coffeeisnectar · 23/08/2015 00:08

It's a personal choice but:

Can you afford to live with a baby and only mat leave pay?

Have you done all the festival's/travelling you want to do?

Do you want to take your baby on honeymoon?

Are you prepared to have just given birth when you get married? Or still be pregnant?

Babies are exhausting in the first few weeks/months. They are time consuming and while not expensive, do restrict your working for a while.

As I said it's a personal choice but you may not get pregnant for months and it could impact on your finances and wedding.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/08/2015 00:09

I think you should get married first. I think that for everyone. No religious reasons, but I think that's the sensible order of things. I only vary my view (a little bit) of fertility is in issue, perhaps if the couple are older. Unless I was a significantly higher earner, I wouldn't knowingly get pregnant unmarried.

My parents had me at your age, had little practical support and were fantastic. They were already married.

Why the rush?
What are your ambitions?

ALemonyPea · 23/08/2015 00:09

DH and I are childhood sweethearts, we've been together 20 years now, and we had our first child when we were 23, but we're TTC from 20.

Dont listen to other people's opinions on when you as a couple should start TTC. If you think it's the time, that you and your DP are stable and you can afford it (who can afford a child?) then go for it.

Original poster
queenoftheworld93 · 23/08/2015 00:09

That is a fair point :) there is certainly no rush! But we have been living together for a few years now so have enjoyed that time as two. We have been broody for much (or maybe all Blush of that time though so it is tempting to have a baby now we could afford it!

OP posts:
Loki17 · 23/08/2015 00:11

I can only give you my own opinion based on my own decisions. If I'd have had dd before I got married, I'd never have had the wedding or honeymoon that I did. I can't imagine that I would gave prioritised my wedding if I'd had an 8 month old. The honeymoon would gave been a family holiday, not an all inclusive, loved up shag fest and cocktails. It isn't about bring unreasonable, you just need to prioritise what you want. You have plenty of time either way.

Flottila · 23/08/2015 00:12

Do it. I was going to say you were absolute idiots for having only known one partner....and from the age of twelve! But you write like the grown-up you obviously are and seem intelligent and thoughtful. I had my first baby at 42 and am currently pregnant at 44 with my second. Boy! do I wish I had done all this in my early twenties. Do NOT listen to those who urge you to put careers before your family plans. Good luck.

Cherryblossomsinspring · 23/08/2015 00:12

It sounds like it is very much up to you. I personally would have missed out on so so much of my most interesting experiences if I had had a baby so young so I would choose myself to wait as I did. But its good that you are in a stable relationship and have a life set up. I do feel that there is really no rush. And once the children come, you are closing many doors for yourselves, wonderful and all as kids are. But your choice completely. You wouldn't know what you were missing out on so maybe it doesn't matter.

Original poster
queenoftheworld93 · 23/08/2015 00:12

We have decided that we would accept me being up to three months pregnant at the wedding, but no more. We would plan to ttc around this (accepting that no amount of planning is perfect). I currently have the contraceptive implant so would be making a conscious decision to try rather than just leaving the condoms one night if you get me.

OP posts:
waitaminutenow · 23/08/2015 00:14

Wait until after the wedding....it would Just make things a lot easier (and makes more sense imo). You could end up having morning sickness etc on your wedding day...not fun on a normal day!!! If you were to falll pregnant now then someone will have to babysit at the wedding. Money is can be stretched enough when planning a wedding never mind throwing a baby into the mix. What do you plan on doing for honeymoon? Would you want to take baby with you? My honeymoon was booked for the summer after my April wedding (as I was a teacher) and to be honest I was 9weeks pregnant and felt so awful it ruined the honeymoon for me. (I feel nauseous when I think about it). Basically imo there is plenty of time for you to start your family, at 22 you are still so young!

Original poster
queenoftheworld93 · 23/08/2015 00:15

It's a very interesting point about the honeymoon as we had not considered this! We have had a few holidays together (most recently last month) and that has simply made us worse Blush something to bear in mind though, thanks! :)

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 23/08/2015 00:16

You need to do what suits you both.

You'll be in good company on Mumsnet though, so you've come to the right place.

Over the last couple of weeks, we seem to have had an influx of new posters who are quite young, wanting to conceive, in good jobs, well qualified and very settled in their relationships. It's just their inlaws who seem to have a problem.

I'd link to those threads for you but sadly, they've been deleted by MN so I can't....

Either way, good luck Thanks

MyNameIsAlexDrake · 23/08/2015 00:17

I'd wait until after the wedding. Not for any 'moral' reason but just so you can enjoy the build up and the day without potentially feeling rubbish being pregnant or having a newborn / toddler to consider. Gives you the next step to look forward to once the wedding is over and done with too.

LyndaNotLinda · 23/08/2015 00:17

You have time before and after babies. You've been adults for 4 years. Enjoy being adults without babies for another year. Go to the cinema. Go clubbing. Develop a hobby. Learn how to scuba dive. Go to museums and art galleries. Learn another language. Get drunk until you're sick. Stay up all night and sleep all day.

There is so, so much more to adult life than having babies. Once you have them, all that stuff is over. Until you're an old person. So celebrate being young, adult and child-free. Honestly, it's completely brilliant. I did it for 20 years Wink

scarlets · 23/08/2015 00:20

I can't think of a reason why you shouldn't, on the basis of what you've said. You're not a pair of daft schoolchildren. You're (nearly!)qualified adults in a stable relationship. You obviously have confidence that neither of you will get grass-is-greener syndrome and decide to be single, and that neither of you will want to go backpacking or whatever, so go for it!

Original poster
queenoftheworld93 · 23/08/2015 00:23

Can I ask why those threads were deleted? Shock we will obviously do what is best for us but I know it is easy to get swept away when you are young and in love so I have decided to ask for advice :)

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 23/08/2015 00:25

As far as I remember (relying on a not so good memory here), the official MNHQ response was that the posters 'weren't all they claimed to be', or some such words.

Cherryblossomsinspring · 23/08/2015 00:26

Oh my god, I will say that you should wait till after the wedding, morning sickness is horrific (for some/many women). Honestly, you can't believe how bad until its happening. Even when it lifts, I can't believe how bad it was and start to think, maybe I imagined it a bit, until the next time and I spend 4-5 months barely able to take a shower or get out of bed. You do not want to feel like that during your wedding or honeymoon. I promise you.

jorahmormont · 23/08/2015 00:27

I'd wait until after your wedding as morning sickness is vile and you do not want that on a wedding day, but apart from that, go for it.

I'm 21 and currently TTC #2 though, so what do I know? Wink

And as for the posts about "do this first, do that first"... since having DD, I've been on great nights out, learned sign language, made amazing friends, got a first class degree and been to more places than I ever went before I had her. It's only over after you have kids if you let it be.

Original poster
queenoftheworld93 · 23/08/2015 00:28

Lynda thank you for your advice :) I have recently taken up running as a hobby to keep myself busy and am enjoying that. However I already speak two additional languages and have written two books! Not intended as a brag, just to emphasise that I am already enjoying adult life. Have done plenty of the drinking/clubbing at uni but have a medical condition that makes me sick when I drink now so can't do that now :( will consider your suggestions though and mention to DP. Will be certain before making any decisions!

OP posts:
SellMySoulForSomeSleep · 23/08/2015 00:28

Start trying on your honeymoon. ????????

Original poster
queenoftheworld93 · 23/08/2015 00:30

Haha cherry blossom I believe you about the sickness! I also have a medical condition that makes me more likely to suffer sickness in pregnancy so I will see a doctor very soon about how to handle that. I am currently on very good meds but will not risk being poorly at the wedding!

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 23/08/2015 00:32

Enjoy the wedding first. You have lots of time to look forward to the wedding and then you can start the family bit. Why the rush?

SellMySoulForSomeSleep · 23/08/2015 00:35

Bloody emojis. A honeymoon baby would be lovely.Smile

My best mates got together at 14. Married and had a baby by 23. They've been married 10 years now with 3 wonderful kids. Do whatever works for you. People will always judge others choices. Flowers

WorraLiberty · 23/08/2015 00:36

However I already speak two additional languages and have written two books!

Fuck me. On top of having a degree and working as a TA at the age of 22 and being almost married to an almost paramedic (also 22) who has a very well paid seasonal job.

You have more and more in common with the afore mentioned banned posters, with every post you make Shock Grin