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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ttc at 22?

151 replies

queenoftheworld93 · 23/08/2015 00:03

Apologies for any posting errors, first time poster.

DP (22) and I (also 22) are childhood sweethearts and have been together for almost 10 years. We are getting married next December and are living in a 2 bedroom house 5 minutes from both sets of parents. We have been living together for 3, maybe almost 4, years.

I'm the same month we marry (Dec 2016) DP will qualify in his role as a paramedic. I already have my degree and work as a teaching assistant. We have little money but we are very happy and do not struggle as DP also does very well paid work on a part time (though seasonal) basis.

We had originally planned to ttc shortly before the wedding but are very strongly considering ttc in the next few months... my worry is that people will think WABU, as in laws etc have stated that we should be both working full time before babies. If we ttc now DP would not be working until baby was a few months old and I would be giving up work temporarily. What to do? Don't feel I can discuss this IRL as this is a sensitive issue but would like opinions :)

OP posts:
bringthenoise · 23/08/2015 00:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
queenoftheworld93 · 23/08/2015 00:40

Worra I do apologise! If it helps they were very terrible books though! Wink I haven't seen any banned threads but am really just looking for concrete reasons to delay or start soon. Both DP and I are eager to start but do not want to put our wants before the lifestyles of our potential DC! And I know parents here will have points we would never think of.

OP posts:
bringthenoise · 23/08/2015 00:42

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WorraLiberty · 23/08/2015 00:42

Well no, you're a first time poster so of course you haven't seen any banned threads.

Original poster
queenoftheworld93 · 23/08/2015 00:43

Beingthenoise yes, I have always wanted to teach. I started my training last year and failed unexpectedly after a very painful year. I have the option to return to this but was advised to wait and have my own children first by my uni advisors. Having children was always going to be on hold until I was a confident teacher but now I am no longer teaching there is less reason to delay, potentially.

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Original poster
queenoftheworld93 · 23/08/2015 00:43

Worra I lurk... A lot Blush

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WorraLiberty · 23/08/2015 00:45

Ok

jorahmormont · 23/08/2015 00:47

Pretty sure there are rules about reporting suspect posters rather than making snarky comments worra

LyndaNotLinda · 23/08/2015 00:47

You were advised to have children before doing your pgce said no tutor ever Hmm

WishIWasWonderwoman · 23/08/2015 00:50

queen I would really recommend waiting until (at least!) your honeymoon to start trying. You will only be 23 or 24, which is not old at all. If you are pregnant on you wedding day you may have issues with morning sickness/acne/bloating etc etc which may make you feel a bit rubbish on your big day.

If you start ttc in January 2017 then it would give your DH a few months to settle into his job before taking paternity leave, and it would give you more time as a couple to save up cash.

I don't think you're too young, I just think that considering your financial circumstances and your impending wedding it makes more sense to wait a little bit and just enjoy each other.

I hope thinks work out for you regarding your teaching career.

bringthenoise · 23/08/2015 00:51

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
queenoftheworld93 · 23/08/2015 00:51

Lynda I had issues being in charge of/disciplining a whole class so they said it would help with my confidence issues. I think they meant I would be a more effective teacher once I was a parent. Needless to say I found that advice more than a little frustrating at the time! I got the impression they didn't know what to do with me. I am very good 1:1 but crap with a whole class. Was deeply unhappy by the end but have put the experience behind me now.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 23/08/2015 00:52

Oh believe me Jorahmormont I've reported ages ago

But it's the early hours of Sunday morning so nowt will be done before tomorrow lunchtime, no doubt Grin

jorahmormont · 23/08/2015 00:54

Day of rest and all that Grin sorry if I seemed snippy. Too many of these threads lately.

WorraLiberty · 23/08/2015 00:54

I think they meant I would be a more effective teacher once I was a parent

Night all - sweet dreams....

WorraLiberty · 23/08/2015 00:56

No, I'm the snippy one jorahmormont, believe me Grin

Original poster
queenoftheworld93 · 23/08/2015 00:56

Trust me to get reported on my very first post! Blush Either way it has been useful to get opinions/advice so far. It's difficult to think of everything when you are getting swept away with it all! Smile

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bringthenoise · 23/08/2015 00:57

This reply has been deleted

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Theycallmemellowjello · 23/08/2015 00:59

I think they meant I would be a more effective teacher once I was a parent. Right... If this actually happened you should probably report your tutors (plural??) to the uni authorities. Of course it is extremely inappropriate for them to suggest anything of the sort. It's almost unbelievable that someone in the profession would do so.

BertieBotts · 23/08/2015 01:01

TBH the idea of you being together since you were 12 and never knowing any other relationships makes my blood run cold and alarm bells ring. I know some people think it's sweet and it can work, of course, I'm not saying that all "high school sweetheart" relationships go wrong but I've just heard far too many horror stories not to feel cautious about it.

So I would ask the following questions.

  • How much have you explored your own stuff? In terms of goals, hobbies, career sounds good, relationships with others (own friendships etc).
  • How do you two deal with arguments or disagreements? And don't say "we never have them". That means you've either not come up against anything you both feel strongly about yet, or one of you is adept at biting your tongue and avoiding arguments. Giant time bomb potential there.
  • If you were unexpectedly unavailable for an important decision which would affect both of you, he couldn't defer the decision and had to make it in your absence are you reasonably confident you'd be happy with what he decided? And the same question with the people reversed?
  • How do you divide up housework and money? Especially when things are uneven in terms of free time, work and other demands, earning capabilities, and the amount of money you need for essentials?
  • How do you tend to be when one of you is ill?
  • How much of your sense of self and self worth is tied up in him? If he walked out tomorrow, of course you would be shocked and devastated, but how do you think you would cope or manage?
Original poster
queenoftheworld93 · 23/08/2015 01:12

My problems with my tutors are much worse than that and would need a thread of its own. I had a very bad time of it but would like to put it behind me rather than complain. They deliberately moved quickly so I would have no time to dispute it before I was forced to leave.

Bertiebotts sorry 'since we were 12' is very misleading, we have spent some time apart over the years (though not recently) but it takes a while to explain that.

I will try to answer your questions quickly as it's got rather late!

We have separate hobbies and friends. This was an issue when we first moved in together but is not really a problem now. Work keeps us busy and we are different people - he is very active while I prefer a book.

As for disagreements, we have had many. We have rules in our relationship such as no shouting or insults but a walk is sometimes needed to avoid breaking these. DP is having treatment for a hormone disorder which created mood swings for a while but we are happy.

I trust his decision making. As for house work, it is mostly 50/50 but I do the cooking and cleaning while I am off in the six weeks. He is ill right now and I have been before but this doesn't usually make much difference, apart from helping each other out where possible.

I would be very upset if he walked out tomorrow, especially if no reason was given :( I imagine anyone would be?

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BertieBotts · 23/08/2015 01:18

Yes of course. I meant more in terms of would you feel absolutely broken and like you couldn't live or do you think in time you'd get over it and move on. That one is more about how much your sense of your own self is tied into him - too much is not healthy. Of course, it's normal to feel sad at the idea of losing somebody who is very dear to you and that isn't unhealthy.

It's not me you need to answer these to, anyway, but yourself. I would spend some time thinking seriously about them. If you are sure, then that is fair - it's just sometimes hard to get a measure of what is a normal, healthy relationship when you have only had one main relationship and when you have known somebody since you were very young, if that makes sense? It sounds like your relationship is very supportive and emotionally healthy but sometimes you hear stories of women who just put up with this awful treatment because they really think that it gets no better. And it doesn't have to be utterly awful to be bad, either. There is a huge area in between bad and good and nothing below good is acceptable.

Good luck with everything :)

MsTargaryen · 23/08/2015 01:21

I'm Grin at the thought of tutors advising a trainee teacher to come back when they have children! Nah, mate!

bringthenoise · 23/08/2015 01:25

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Original poster
queenoftheworld93 · 23/08/2015 01:30

I gave that info as more of a background as to why I am not teaching or looking to teach currently :( it was very hard to put that behind me so I'm feeling a little stressed that I might not even be a good teacher once I have more life experience or kids :(

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