AIBU to ttc at 22?

[queenoftheworld93]

Apologies for any posting errors, first time poster.

DP (22) and I (also 22) are childhood sweethearts and have been together for almost 10 years. We are getting married next December and are living in a 2 bedroom house 5 minutes from both sets of parents. We have been living together for 3, maybe almost 4, years.

I'm the same month we marry (Dec 2016) DP will qualify in his role as a paramedic. I already have my degree and work as a teaching assistant. We have little money but we are very happy and do not struggle as DP also does very well paid work on a part time (though seasonal) basis.

We had originally planned to ttc shortly before the wedding but are very strongly considering ttc in the next few months... my worry is that people will think WABU, as in laws etc have stated that we should be both working full time before babies. If we ttc now DP would not be working until baby was a few months old and I would be giving up work temporarily. What to do? Don't feel I can discuss this IRL as this is a sensitive issue but would like opinions :)

Are you sure that you have had all the education and travelling that you would like? Motherhood can seem like a good option when careers are shutting down, I would find another job that you like and are good at before throwing the towel in.
Having children young can be good, but not because you don't like your job.

Bertie - you nailed all the points to consider brilliantly, not just for Queen, but for any long-term relationship.

Queen - just want to add a light vote for waiting till after the wedding. Most people find that their twenties actually go much slower than your child/teen/late teen years, which go so fast you end up terrified of you don't your future sorted straight away you're 'f*cked'.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I get the impression that you're (understandably!) really drawn to doing the exciting/fast route, even though the benefits of waiting a bit longer seem to outweigh the negatives at this moment in time.

This is only drawn from my own experience, so not gospel. Just had to put it out there and good luck whatever path you take!

I would honestly wait until after the wedding. I had a fairly easy first trimester, but was a bridesmaid at 10 weeks. I had to have my final fitting the day of the wedding, nearly fainted because the church was so hot and then had to leave at 8pm before the first dance because I was so bone achingly exhausted.

Agree with all the stuff about it being better to wait.

Plus you will not enjoy the wedding with a small baby particularly of the baby is a grumpy baby

I had my dc at 21 (I'm 24 now) with my partner who I had known since I was 16 and been together since 18.
I'm really glad I had dc when I did as I feel I was ready yes I was young but I had my own place and was working full time so paid my own way. I had maternity leave then went back to work.

There is another thread right now about the oldest person you know that's had a baby and no ones saying anything about women having babies in the late 40's so don't see the issue with someone having one in their 20's who is in a loving relationship

Good luck OP with whatever you decide to do.

I'd wait.

I know how it feels to want to just run head first into everything. DH and I have known each other since we were 14 & 16 (and were then on-off for a couple of years). We've both had other relationships but got back together properly when we were 23 & 25.

Four years on we've been married 21 months and have a 3 month old baby. I would quite happily have TTC even before the wedding probably but I'm glad we waited. Nobody's situation is perfect for a baby but we're more stable now, better house etc.

Though I must admit DD was a bit of a surprise as we'd just decided to wait a little longer before actively TTC. But, these things happen

It's 18 months of hard training for your DH to go before he qualifies.

Who needs the extra stress of a baby during that time? It's very tiring to train while you have a tiny, screaming baby in the house.

It isn't that you're too young, it's that he's half way through a course. And money will be tight as you'll have maternity leave while he's still studying.

How much money will you have coming in if he's still training and you're off on maternity leave ?

The first year you get married is really very special and you want that to last...it will be THE LAST TIME YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN! While I adore my kid, I do wish I'd been married a bit longer before we had our first.

I just don't get the rush - there's a whole world out there and you'll be unable to really explore it for the next decade - are you sure you've done all the travelling etc that you wanted?

why so long till the wedding ? (dec 2016)
bring it forward then your broodiness can take over without worrying about morning sickness and the other things going on.
it may take you a few months to get pregnant anyway
good luck to you - you sound very together and mature

I had my first at 22.

I had had a job since I was 18, so quite well established and could afford the year off. I got married at 20 to a man I had known less than 2 years. We are still together 15 years later. So it's not the age that's the problem for me.

If I were you I would not be starting ttc before the wedding. If you start in the next few months and get pregnant, quickly, you may end up postponing the wedding and honeymoon. At which point you are not working and your dp isn't either. The wedding will end up being pushed further and further back. You obviously want to be married, so this would be a shame.

I also think planning to have a child out of wedlock is a recipe for disaster, from a legal stand point but accept I may be in the minority there.

If I were you I would be sitting and really thinking about what you want to do. Some of the best teacher I have known (I am talking about my own teachers and my kids teachers not friends) have not had children. Having children will not always make you a better teacher. If you are still unsure I would wait until your dh is established in his job for some security.

In my opinion there is not right age. It's circumstance. Even then, many people get pg at the worst time and still make it work. But I think actively ttc in the next few months could make life a bit harder for you. But its only my opinion.

Oh forgot to say, I am happy with having kids young. Yes I didn't travel as much as friends and do the things they were doing. But now in my mid thirties with an almost teenager and a younger son, we do all that now. But with the kids.

My friends are all having babies now so are restricted like I was in my early twenties.

Neither is 'better' just different.

Depends if your actual wedding day is important to you. Is there any reason why it's so far away in the future? When we got engaged I was 20 and we wanted to get married asap. We were married about 9:months later - only waited 9 because DH has dreadful hayfever so we didn't want a summer wedding.

I'm not having a dig by the way - just it makes sense to be married first to me, so I'd have prioritised the wedding if I wanted to start a family.

I will have 3 kids by 27 and it's been great. We went on a massive holiday when I was pregnant with my first, travelling round America. We don't leave the kids overnight but we have a lovely warm close group of friends who come round for regular pizza nights (when kids are in bed) or chippy teas (to see the kids). We also go on group holidays etc rather than boozy festivals and niggts out.

We had been married for 2/3 years when we were your age. We had owned our place for 4. We moved again to bigger place at 22 and dc1 was born when we were 23.

Only on mn is having children young seen as unbelieveable. I find the same that apparently droves of 40/45 year olds are having their first children! Must happen somewhere though!

I had my first baby at 22 it really is a personal choice but im now in my 40s and all my childrearing is done . I f you and he are ready for a baby I see no reason to put it off ,

Aside from the obvious legal thing, are there any other real benefits to being married first? People talk about it like it's the be-all and end-all.

I think that as you're both so young, you should maybe wait for a few years. Both get established in your careers and move a few points up the pay scale, start putting money aside for mat leave and so you have more options available to you about returning to work or not. And definitely make the most of your time together as a couple. Go to festivals/gigs/travel. My biggest regret is not doing more travelling before we had DD. Now it will be years before we properly get the opportunity again.

I don't think there's any issue with having children young if that's what you want, but if your husband is still training, I would consider waiting until he's done - not a reflection on your ages at all, just that babies are really bloody hard work and I can't imagine trying to study whilst caring for a newborn!

So many stereotypes on here towards younger parents. (Although 23 is not young at all in real life!)

I never wanted to travel or go to festivals in my 20s

I think I must be some kind of freak of nature, I hate travelling. Don't deal well with heat and flying makes my eardrums burst. I did the three places on my bucket list before I was 16.

You know how much everyone talks about ageism on here? Assuming that every young person wants to travel and get drunk is ageism too.

I would wait, I had severe hyperemesis, spd, puppps and all manner of other problems in pregnancy and was either on strict 24 hour per day bed rest or in hospital for the vast majority of the time, it wouldn't have made a wedding or a honeymoon much fun and you just can't predict these things.

I would wait until after the wedding ( try for a honeymoon baby if you are so inclined), and in the meantime save, save, save. I have had HG to the point of collapse in both of my pgs ( to term with DS and 5 months so far with this DC) it would have been impossible to attend someone else's wedding never mind have my own. If you have been pre--warned you are at risk of sickness this is something you may want to take in to account.

Also save all you can so your mat leave / time off work is a relaxing time spent with your new DC not worrying about every penny. You and your DP could have another 60+ years of life together. Another 18 months is a drop in the ocean in comparison.

Along with assuming every young parent must be lying about being in a stable relationship, put up with poor treatment for a man, not care about their education or their career or not have bought a home. Not all young parents have babies without sorting these things out!

Hi op I'm 38 and pregnant with my first - it's only circumstances which have made it turn out that way.

But I had an amazing life in my early twenties / thirties - travelled, worked overseas, partied, went to festivals - loved it.

I do get a pang that maybe I should've started a bit earlier but I've only been with DP 3 years and due to ages we've decided on a baby first. Having a wedding / honeymoon post baby isn't ideal but it's the way it's turned out.

So my advice is - start trying on the honeymoon!