AIBU to ttc at 22?

[queenoftheworld93]

Apologies for any posting errors, first time poster.

DP (22) and I (also 22) are childhood sweethearts and have been together for almost 10 years. We are getting married next December and are living in a 2 bedroom house 5 minutes from both sets of parents. We have been living together for 3, maybe almost 4, years.

I'm the same month we marry (Dec 2016) DP will qualify in his role as a paramedic. I already have my degree and work as a teaching assistant. We have little money but we are very happy and do not struggle as DP also does very well paid work on a part time (though seasonal) basis.

We had originally planned to ttc shortly before the wedding but are very strongly considering ttc in the next few months... my worry is that people will think WABU, as in laws etc have stated that we should be both working full time before babies. If we ttc now DP would not be working until baby was a few months old and I would be giving up work temporarily. What to do? Don't feel I can discuss this IRL as this is a sensitive issue but would like opinions :)

I was widowed at 38, so if I'd waited (not that I would children were a priority in my life) I wouldn't of had them, I miscarried later on, whilst with my now ex, not everyone can carry children after 35.

It depends on how important having a child, or children, is.

I got pregnant as a teen, planned, it took me ten years to have my next one and nearly two years to have my third (and last but not by choice).

You can't plan life, fully. I think the most important thing is a happy relationship and to iron out any issues left over from childhood.

"" Once you have them, all that stuff is over. ""

I learned to Suba Dive at 40, did a BA in my 30's, it wouldn't of appealed to me younger.

At 47, my youngest is turning 18 and I'm going to start Voluntering "holidays". Unless you become physically disabled, nothing has to end, they just aren't or can't be a prority.

If your ready to make a baby's/young child's needs your prority and can think in terms of raising a happy mentally well adult, that's what makes you ready.

I'd wait purely on the fact you could spend 9 months throwing up or hospitalised - your wedding wouldn't be the nicest in those circumstances.

Just to add, I'd wait until after the wedding and have that memory (as someone who was widowed and look back on that day with happiness), my DD was one of my Bridesmaids.

Sounds like you'd be much better waiting until early 2017 right after the wedding OP. OH can get his training done and dusted- will he automatically have a job after it? If not, probably a good idea to wait until he's in one. If he doesn't start a job until after you get pregnant, he isn't entitled to paid paternity leave. You're a TA, that sounds stable, but I'm guessing probably not a HLTA on that level of experience? Perhaps use the extra 18 months to see if you can do more in-work qualifications, see if you could move up a level? Your maternity pay will be better the more you earn!

It just seems like if you can wait to TTC for 18 months, you could be in a much better financial position. You'll be grateful for that when the time comes. Sure, people have babies in plenty worse circumstances and manage fine. But you have time on your side, and you don't have to risk being rough with morning sickness or having a teething baby to deal with at your wedding, so why go down that road? If you're 22 now, going down this route would mean you could have a baby at 24 or just 25.

I would wait until the wedding for the purely practical reason that if it takes you a few months to get pregnant, you could end up with your wedding and due date very very close. and you're more secure if you're married.
Apart from that, I wouldn't wait. I e been with DH since we were teenagers and we did the sensible thing of making sure we travelled a lot, established careers, sorted the finances. Started ttc at 28. I'm not 30 and we're still trying. I have fertility problems that neither of us expected, so my advice is, if it feels right and you'll manage, do it.
There will never be a perfect time to have a baby
Also, my parents were 20 and 22 when they had me and they were great!

*now

Of all the people I know, I am the ONLY one not to have suffered from morning sickness. For that reason alone, I would not recommend planning to get married whilst pregnant.

Do you know what; being a mum made me better able to understand the parents of the children I taught, plus made me more tolerant of the behaviour etc of small children (I taught tinies. That isn't to say I was intolerant before, but having my own made me rely appreciate just how young they still were).

However. I was a MUCH better teacher before kids. After kids, mine were just more important and I couldn't juggle it all so I left teaching altogether.

I'm afraid I find it hard to believe that you'd get that advice from tutors at uni, but there you go!

I had my first at 23, gies without saying we love her etc. But, imo its far too young. Enjoy your life first.

Came on to say basically EXACTLY what zippidydoodah said. Agree with every word.

I spend years working with children, and I was much better after having my own. Your bound to be for the reasons zippy mentions.

Oh didn't read the end bit I don't think that many teachers quit after children. That depends on how driven you are.

I got married at 22, spent a couple of years doing little things having been quite ill before the wedding while dh finished his degree and had children at 24, so I see where you're coming from.

I really wanted children, and was convinced it would take some time to manage to conceive, so I was desperate to try. I'd even worked out: GP insists on 3 years trying before they'll refer you, tests take around 1-2 years, so I'd still be under 30 when trying for fertility treatment. I conceived first month.

Now there are some things I love about having had them so young.
I had more energy. I was the fun mum rushing round the park with dd1 while the older mums said "I remember when I had more energy". The older mums tended to think I needed a little bit of help, so were always ready to help in any way-in a nice way not interfering/patronising.
I'm now not quite 40 and the children are fairly independent. We can go out in the evening leaving dd1 to babysit for a short time, the children can make dinner/a cup of tea/run up to the shops etc. when most of my school friends are asking me how to potty train or getting excited about pfb's first day at school.
Dd1 was the first grandchild/great grandchild on all sides, which was wonderfully exciting-and everyone was very excited for us. We got around 200 cards from relatives who'd hardly spoken to us, boquets of flowers etc.
And on the same way we got to decide how "family" things happened to a certain extent. At least we set a precident, which, in some things, has stayed.

There are other things that are not so good:
If we'd waited a couple of years, me got a job, dh in his job, we'd be much better off. We really continued living like students in a lot of ways, watching the money, eating out being a big treat etc. It might have been nice to have a couple of years where we'd had a couple of adventurous holidays, and saved a bit of money so that when (eg) the car needs replacing we're not worrying about how we can do this without leaving the cupboards bare.
A couple of years of working back then would make a huge difference to me trying to find a job. I have a good maths degree, and can't even get interviews at times. You see, I've never done a "proper job". I'm coming up time and again against people who are probably no better, and worse qualified but who have experience. 1-2 years experience would make a huge difference here. I'm doing volunteer stuff at present, and am very happy to do this, but it seems a little silly.

I'm also looking at my friends and thinking "oh you're just setting out" on what I did 14 years ago. I'd love to be in with them. My dd's are constantly the oldest by far at any family or old friends event. I see the younger ones all jumped in together and then dd1's double their age, and even dd2 is not really playing in with them so much as looking after them. They're all chatting about choosing primary schools, and I have been through that so can offer what I've done, but it's different saying "I did this " to "how are you doing it". You can easily come across as a know it all, or dismissive of how important it is because you've finished with that.

We had a period (dh's family were particularly bad at this) where it seemed that we couldn't go (or couldn't both go) to things as they weren't family friendly, because no one else was considering the option of having children, so what anyone chose to suggest was not suitable for children. Now we're finding they're choosing children's places to go to that are too young for my dc, so they end up sitting on the side with nothing to do if we go.

I think what I'd say (to myself back then) is leave it a couple of years. Get your jobs sorted. Get your house sorted, and then start trying. Unless you have a really good reason why now would be better. You're still very young, and there is easily 2 years spare without feeling you're working on borrowed time.

In the month dd1 was born, dh finished his degree and started a new job, we chose a new house and moved area...and I had 24/7 morning sickness throughout pregnancy, plus just before we moved they found I was severely anaemic. It was quite stressful. (but dd1 was gorgeous)

I haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to share my experience. I got married last year was 22 a month later we conceived our DD. I am glad we waited till after the wedding as morning sickness etc was bad!!!
However its been a hard 5 months since DD was born way harder than I expected. But its also been the best time of my life.
So if a baby is what you really want. Go for it.
Oh and DH and I are not well off we both make a decent wage we just budgeted the hell out of everything.

I think you should wait until you're married and financially stable.

I haven't read the whole thread.

Your age is irrelevant imo as early 20s is clearly old enough to be a parent.... but enjoy the wedding first. You don't know how early pregnancy will affect you, I had hyperemesis I cannot describe how ill I felt. I gave the same advice recently to a work colleague 10 years your senior

I would also say wait till after the wedding..

Enjoy your wedding honeymoon.. DP will be in a much more stable position.

It isn't the age thing it is the wedding..Do you want to be able to wear the dress of your dreams or buy one that would take into account a bump.

I enjoyed the browsing for prams cots, I enjoyed the planning for the wedding..I think both would of been less enjoyable

I was also wondering why wedding is so far away

I felt very ready to ttc at 25, but now afterwards, I feel too young still...So yeah, I wouldn't go for it at 22. Enjoy life more first :P

You have been shitly advised by your tutors.

Teacher training with children is immensely difficult. 100 times more difficult. Not only do you have to make sure you have time for the course but you have to fit this around your children. Most of the time you are aware you are doing neither to the best of your ability. You wont be there when your children are ill (you will need someone else for that). Part time jobs (unless you are already in role with a good track record) are very difficult to come across.

Most teachers I know who have combined teaching successfully with becoming a parent have had there children 3or 4 years into their career when they are settled into a good school and can ask for part time working.

I'm sorry to be so negative but I do think you are doing the wrong thing.

Having a child changes everything. Hopefully it all goes as you want and you have the time after the children leave home to travel etc.

But it doesn't always go that way.

I could have written your post 10 years ago. Together 8 years married own home good job. The marriage lasted less than four years and two children. The youngest has special needs and the possibility of life long care. I have no reserves, no pension, no back up. I spend the time I should have been building those reserves having children. Marriage too short to claim anything beyond Csa. I made it harder for me and significantly harder for my children.

Sort out your career get three -5 years in role under your belt. All things being equal you will only be in your early 30s with a reasonable length marriage under your belt.

You are taking a considerable risk. With your future and your future children's future.

I'm sorry you don't sound mature. You sound like you think you are.

Do you have savings? What about life insurance - very useful in case anything happens to either of you in the 18 years it takes to bring a child up (it will also be very cheap at your ages)? What about wills?

Personally I think you'd be silly to ttc before the wedding (and planning a wedding/honeymoon for the first 12 weeks of pregnancy is madness itself) - but that's a personal choice. But shake the baby dust out of your eyes and start thinking hard about the realities of supporting a child.

I'm sorry you don't sound mature. You sound like you think you are

Yup. Sounds like you are trying to tick off things on a list rather than actually considering how it will change your life.

Agree with toffee and witchend.

You have your whole life ahead of you to get over the kids thing

You and your dp need to sort your careers out first during these early years. Money is soooo important when having children and the financial burden just gets heavier and heavier.

You do not appear to have thought through the realities of doing things with children. Before I had children, I never valued my free time. Once I had children, I'd kill for 30 minutes to myself. Where will you find the time (and money) to train?

Are you, dp and your dc prepared to go without? To not be able to fully invest in your careers for the next 10 years, after which you have been overtaken?

I re-read the thread a little.

You actually sound a little lost. I some aspects of your life you feel happy and confident that you have it sussed. However you have suffered a major set back in your career.

It's all too easy when this happens to retreat to the bits of your life that are going well. If you're busy having children you don't really need to address and tackle the whole career thing.

If you were on your own right now you would have no other option that to use this opportunity to reevaluate look properly at all the more long term options.

Having a house and a job and a pension. They are not just things you do, you need to understand why you do them first. Why you spend a few years knocking as much as you can off the mortgage while you can. Etc

Please consider all your options right now. Having a baby isn't the only one

I had four children in my twenties whilst concurrently completing medical training. I qualified almost three years ago.

It's been a wonderful challenge. I've had a fabulous experience of motherhood whilst shaping my professional career.

why shouldn't you OP?

because other people didn't manage or even attempt it?

You can have and do it all. I have and its fabulous