AIBU to ttc at 22?

[queenoftheworld93]

Apologies for any posting errors, first time poster.

DP (22) and I (also 22) are childhood sweethearts and have been together for almost 10 years. We are getting married next December and are living in a 2 bedroom house 5 minutes from both sets of parents. We have been living together for 3, maybe almost 4, years.

I'm the same month we marry (Dec 2016) DP will qualify in his role as a paramedic. I already have my degree and work as a teaching assistant. We have little money but we are very happy and do not struggle as DP also does very well paid work on a part time (though seasonal) basis.

We had originally planned to ttc shortly before the wedding but are very strongly considering ttc in the next few months... my worry is that people will think WABU, as in laws etc have stated that we should be both working full time before babies. If we ttc now DP would not be working until baby was a few months old and I would be giving up work temporarily. What to do? Don't feel I can discuss this IRL as this is a sensitive issue but would like opinions :)

Because I can guarentee someone else was looking after your children while you got your work and work experience done. If you can live with that that's fine. But it doesn't work if you find yourself in the position where you have no choice and you need to be there for your child.

Because you were lucky and got away doing what you have done. There is no slack in the system for anything to wrong.

That's what's gambling with your children's future.

because other people didn't manage or even attempt it?

What nonsense

FWIW I managed my family, ds' diagnosis and qualifying for a professional qualification (with master's levels credits)

But by the time I was qualified Ds' needs were too great to work. He could only manage extremely part time child care, physically demanding for my aging DPs and he needed a hell of a lot of input to sort out the massive issues he was facing.

I wouldn't wish what we, as a family, went through to do it on my worst enemy. It is so much easier when there is just you to consider

You managed it because you were lucky. I'm not saying it cant be done. Just that you have no back up resources if anything goes wrong

I'm much older but I'm very glad I waited till after the wedding.

Why? Two reasons really.

1.) it was lovely to have a fabulous honeymoon, plenty of nice cocktails without worrying I was pregnant, but with the knowledge that we'd get down to it on our return

2.) I developed violent, awful morning sickness at 3.5 weeks pregnant. Feeling that bad would have ruined the wedding and honeymoon completely.

No one can tell you when the right time is. Weigh up all your options but if it's just a matter of waiting a few months or a year to see a big improvement in career opportunities/get yourselves on a better financial footing then I'd be tempted to wait. Time is on your side :)

Because I can guarentee someone else was looking after your children while you got your work and work experience done. If you can live with that that's fine.

"If you can live with that"? Why couldn't someone "live with that"?

You're 22 op, what is the rush. It seems very foolish to rush into something when you have other priorities to get in order before that. Establish your career, home and then decide on kids. Even if you give it a few more years, you will still be young enough and have a solid foundation to work from.

You can't plan life, fully. The most sensible comment I've seen on here. You're ready when you're ready, op. In my case it was 41 - sounds like you've got there sooner.

I also think the wedding is a red herring. It's just one day wearing a silly dress.

We have continued working, and I am currently studying for a professional postgraduate qualification, and both of us work full time. We have multiple children and no help.

It is hard but it is doable to do it with no help and no time off after children. It probably is easier to do as we started younger so had more energy.

Lemonade, forgive me for asking a personal question, but did you have the luxury of a large cushion of money for all of that "having it all"?

I have 3 at 22. I had my twins 5 weeks ago and my eldest 4 years ago. I think I would've left it longer to ttc if I didn't have my eldest dd, but I felt ready for another and didn't want a huge gap. In your shoes I would wait until after the wedding and honeymoon

bertiebotts no I'm resolutely working class. my parents were a foster carer and a merchant seaman.

I took out student loans and worked whilst studying.

I did have the luxury of a supportive partner and supportive parents until one of them died suddenly and the other spiralled in to ill health as an indirect consequence of that.

You can't plan life, fully

Nope, but you can mitigate for things going wrong.
I can't see how at 22 that you can have a good solid CV, had enough time to travel, pay off any student debt, buy a property and be financially secure with a decent amount in your pension pot. All of these things will make your family's lives so much easier and secure.

And whilst you may not have done all of the above in ten years time, you are unlikely to have done none of them.

Why on earth would you need to do half of those before children? Pay off student loans for instance?

Why do we need to travel? What is this Mumsnet thing with travelling? I hate travelling. It's boring and I get sick.

Anyway I was 24 when I got pregnant.

Good solid CV - sort of yes. I had a degree, a teaching qualification and had been working 2 years,
Had enough time to travel - not really but we'd been away a fair bit and I got dragged all over Europe as a kid anyway and it was boring.
Pay off any student debt - didn't have any
Buy a property - we did. My dad gave me a big deposit and I was working and DH was working.
Decent amount in your pension pot - plenty of time for that!

We had our first at your age, before we married and fully established in our careers. I have loved every minute of it, but if I were you, I would get married first (enjoy your wedding day!) and then try for a baby - makes sense.

Why would I want to buy a property rather than rent and risk having to move when a landlord tells me I have to?
Why would I want to pay off any student debts (how many students graduate with just loans?) when I could leave it hanging over me reducing my available income?
Why would I want to establish myself and get decent work experience, a decent career which will allow me to earn more?
Why pay into a pension pot / investments before I have childcare costs that again will reduce my available income?

Because obviously it makes the entire family's life easier.

Also if a couple ends up splitting at least by having an established work history it is far easier to provide a decent standard of living for your children than rely on ex partners to pay child support.

Let's face it there are enough threads on MN about landlords forcing people to move and crap ex's not paying towards their children that it's not exactly an unusual situation.

toffeelatte was your previous comment regarding having others look after your children/gambling with their future really aimed at me?

oh bless you!

of course I was inordinately pleased that my children were cared for by their father and grandparents. why wouldn't I be?

it hardly constitutes a gamble for one parent to parent whilst the other works and builds a solid professional career base.

why ever would you think that it did?

it hardly constitutes a gamble for one parent to parent whilst the other works and builds a solid professional career base

Unless you split, or they die or the partner who works can't find a job. Not exactly unheard of...

I'm a medic. hardly likely to become unemployable.

yes we could split but I'm more than capable of paying for childcare.

I'll face the grim reaper when he comes knocking as will everybody else, the same as every sahm whose partner could die and leave them on new a worse position than myself.

plus; we've had the foresight to take out adequate life insurance.

where exactly was I irresponsibly gambling with my children's future?

No advice on having children at a young age (other than you'd be surprised how much of your life seems to disappear when you have littlies, so I'd always say wait and do more living first), BUT.... why would anyone want to troll about having children young? It's hardly riveting stuff.

Not saying the OP is a troll BTW! Just picking up on comments from upthread about PBPs.

I had a property at that age but hadn't finished my degree when my first was born. I finished my degree with the student loan that comes out your wage and no other debt at aged 25.

As possibly the shallowest contribution to this thread I'd say wait at least til after the wedding because you will feel and look like shit in the first trimester of pregnancy, dumpy, bloated, nauseous, flushed and its best not to have that stage immortalised in your wedding album.

What is this bloody obsession with traveling and living a life before children on here is having children such a drudge that folk need their travelling days to look back on.

And lemonade I have to confess to a pang of envy at your success. Well done you. I'd hoped to study medicine but my husband is now an xh and I have no supportive family nearby. Still I'm hoping to become a he or nurse practitioner once dd starts school.

For some people it makes sense to go traveling then establish a career then have kids. For me and a lot of other people it makes sense to have kids first. I'm younger than you and pregnant, I never really wanted to go traveling and I want to find a career when I'm older so it's makes perfect sense to me that I'm starting a family now. There is no way that you're being unreasonable, it's a choice that only you and your partner can make.

Not about travelling, necessarily, but most of the things I enjoyed doing when younger pre-kids I don't get to do any more. Particularly going out in the evenings. After 6pm we are basically in the house with the DC going to sleep/asleep. I miss eating out (in non-child- friendly restaurants), cinema, theatre, opera, concerts, dinner at friends' houses, taking a walk in the evening when it's light and the weather's nice....