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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In not telling DP about some inheritance?

154 replies

HoneyOnToastYum · 21/08/2015 15:14

I recently received £15 grand as inheritance from my grandparents, and I don't know if AIBU not to tell by DP about it?

Background so not to drip feed: we are not married, been together since 2008, live in DP house that he owns outright (I'm not on the deeds) and we have a 18m DS. We don't really talk about money very much but I kinda get the feeling from DP what is his is his. I know he has some investments and as well as I saw his bank statement accidentally n he has 50k in it!

In comparison I have 5K in savings (other than the 15k), and that's it. I think we are good but in the worse case (should we separate) I know that wouldn't get me n DS very far. I work PT so can't really save very much at the mo. DP also works PT but does earn 3-5K/yr more than me.

DP wants everything to be 50:50, which absolutely is fine by me. We don't have a joint bank account but stuff we buy tends to sort itself out during the week. It's hard to explain but when he knows I have savings he's less generous and expects me to spend at the same rate that he does. Eg recently we bought a new car as both of ours were 3door and I was struggling with DS and the car seat. We replaced my car as it was on the way out anyway. I was happy with a banger but he wanted a newer one that would require less work/be safer. fine we looked at cars approx 5-6K we were going 1/2 so 3K for me. However when we looked at cars we both liked a more expensive car (I know we both liked it) but it was 10k so that was 5k for me. Hence 5k left now.

Oh and before u ask I'm not sure whats happening about the getting married thing, I'm for it but DP is dragging his feet - that's a whole other thread.

So AIBU to keep this money up my sleeve for now? (Tho I don't like lying even though omission)

OP posts:
howtorebuild · 21/08/2015 15:17

In this case keep it quiet from everyone and have your parents put it in trust for your son.

badgersandhedgehogs · 21/08/2015 15:18

I know you weren't asking this but your relationship doesn't sound great to be honest.

Are you happy?

JeffsanArsehole · 21/08/2015 15:18

There is no reason not to mention it as its very clear that's what's yours is yours and what's his is his.

However, are you really sure that you're happy with the 50:50? Do you earn the same? What happened with maternity leave?

Surely you don't pay 50% towards a house that's not yours? Or do you only mean bills?

NoArmaniNoPunani · 21/08/2015 15:19

In this case I'd say you are being very sensible

AlpacaLypse · 21/08/2015 15:19

I'd definitely keep it quiet. And I'd start that whole other thread about your financial position re your partner sooner rather than later. You're currently in a very very vulnerable position.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/08/2015 15:21

I think the issue isn't the inheritance, it's a 'partner' who wants to be richer than the mother of his child. No wonder he doesn't want to marry. He would have to share with you.

Is your relationship equal in other ways? Does he do half the childcare, half the housework, have the same amount of time off?

I couldn't eat lobster while my partner ate bread. That's what it boils down to.

3littlefrogs · 21/08/2015 15:21

I agree that you should put it in trust for your son and say nothing about it to anyone.

3littlefrogs · 21/08/2015 15:23

Have you both made wills?
If not, as you are not married, you would find yourself homeless if anything happened to your partner. Everything would go to his next of kin.

Is your car in your name?

mrsnec · 21/08/2015 15:27

If you were to split it you might regret it.

I got an inheritance recently. I'm married but we live in our inlaws investment property. Whilst I bought things for myself and us and still managed to save a bit I regret spending money on the house and wish I'd saved that for a rainy day. Dh and his family want to do more things to the house and know I have the savings and keep hinting even though they say they understand if I want to save it.

I wish I could have hidden it or put it in trust for dd.

ImperialBlether · 21/08/2015 15:28

Why should it be put in trust for her son? Her son will inherit from her just as she inherits from her parents and grandparents.

Are you living rent-free in the house? Are you saying he has £50,000 in savings that he hasn't told you about? Did he know what your savings were? If so and he still expected a 50:50 split on the car that is terrible.

I wouldn't tell him about the money - if he won't marry you, you need some security. Put it in ISAs and send the correspondence to your mum and dad's house.

bamboostalks · 21/08/2015 15:29

Say nothing about this and start addressing the serious financial issues in your relationship.

ValancyJane · 21/08/2015 15:31

That doesn't actually sound 50:50 to me at all. OH and I are not married yet, but jointly own our house, have a joint account that everything goes in/out of. There is a difference in our incomes currently, but it is 50/50 for us, everything comes out of our joint money, house expenses, meals out and personal stuff like clothes, dvds, whatever. Honestly, I think in your shoes I would also keep it quiet, this just doesn't sound quite right to me.

QuiteLikely5 · 21/08/2015 15:33

I wouldn't mention it at all. You paid 5k for a car that in the event of a split you will never see unless it's in your name of course?!

I can't believe he just didn't pay outright when he has all that money.

In a partnership I think it's greed when one partner is well off and they don't share their wealth.

UrethraFranklin1 · 21/08/2015 15:34

You have a child together, live together, yet don't talk about money at all?
That is messed up. You're in a precarious position and should be protecting yourself now, the inheritance is not even remotely the issue.

DoJo · 21/08/2015 15:35

I think you need to discuss your finances and sort that whole situation out before you start worrying about this particular issue. You clearly feel put out over the car issue, although I'm not entirely sure why, but if you feel that supposedly 'joint' decisions leave you at a financial disadvantage then you need to address it, particularly given that it sounds like you are unmarried and living in a house that you have no claim on at all. You need this sorted one way or another.

Original poster
HoneyOnToastYum · 21/08/2015 15:36

I know people always say this but he is a good DP. He does at most of the housework (as his level of cleanliness is higher than mine) we both work 3 days a week to look after DS and so he pulls his weight with childcare.
We both earn approx the same, his a little more as he is a higher grade than me. (He does point out that I'm the one getting the child benefit, think that makes us level in earning in his eyes).
I just give him half the bills I never payed towards the house as he had mostly paid it off when we got together.

The thing that still bugs me is on ML all I had was stat Pay and yet had to pay 1/2 bills even in the last 3 months when I wasn't being paid anything. I kinda thought he would offer for me not to pay that

OP posts:
lotrben17 · 21/08/2015 15:36

you'd be mad to tell him about it given what's going on otherwise. It doesn't sound like a great relationship if he's pushing you to live beyond your means and running down your savings like that.

Original poster
HoneyOnToastYum · 21/08/2015 15:37

Yes the car is in my name Smile

OP posts:
howtorebuild · 21/08/2015 15:38

He sounds a bit of a shit. Was the baby planned?

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/08/2015 15:41

The thing that still bugs me is on ML all I had was stat Pay and yet had to pay 1/2 bills even in the last 3 months when I wasn't being paid anything. That's shit. Sad

starlight2007 · 21/08/2015 15:42

I also wouldn't tell him... I think you need to be very careful.. why doesn't he want to marry you...Did he inherit house..Do you have wills..lots of questions I would be asking

DinosaursRoar · 21/08/2015 15:43

In your case, I'd keep it quiet. Don't put it in trust for your DS, it does sound like you might need to be able to access it and use it for youself if your relationship doesn't last. It doesn't sound like this is a true partnership, more like he views you as the girlfriend for now - a step up from a flatmate, but one you've happened to have DCs with, if he doesn't see you as a unit, you are right to keep a "Oh Fuck" fund for you and your DS, £20k (your £5k savings plus inheritance) would be useful if you needed to set up a new home for yourself and DS.

Could you also look at house prices round where you live, would £20k be enough for a deposit on a flat?

Original poster
HoneyOnToastYum · 21/08/2015 15:43

I'm not living beyond my means, I'm just not saving.

I know we need to sit down n talk I'm rubbish at that kinda thing, I get all flustered and say the wrong thing. I'm currently writing a letter to get my thoughts down about the house, wills etc that I plan to give to him then run away

OP posts:
CatMilkMan · 21/08/2015 15:47

I wouldn't blame you for not telling anyone about the money but your other finances sound pretty fair to me.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 21/08/2015 15:47

the big issue is not the inheritance money and whether to tell.

the issue is you have a child with a DP yet you (2 grown adults) don't talk properly about finances, or make 'joint' decisions properly. The fact you are even thinking of not telling him about this shows you do not really trust him.

There was a woman local to me who recently got NOTHING at all after a 30 year relationship and business partnership broke down, because nothing at all was in her name. she had worked her butt off for 'their' business, being paid a nominal wage, and the hearing found she was an employee not a business partner. homeless and jobless with only her dog and her own clothes to her name. And her lover of 30 years content to see her that way.

You MUST get things on a better footing with your DP and your joint finances, as you never know what is around the corner.