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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In not telling DP about some inheritance?

154 replies

HoneyOnToastYum · 21/08/2015 15:14

I recently received £15 grand as inheritance from my grandparents, and I don't know if AIBU not to tell by DP about it?

Background so not to drip feed: we are not married, been together since 2008, live in DP house that he owns outright (I'm not on the deeds) and we have a 18m DS. We don't really talk about money very much but I kinda get the feeling from DP what is his is his. I know he has some investments and as well as I saw his bank statement accidentally n he has 50k in it!

In comparison I have 5K in savings (other than the 15k), and that's it. I think we are good but in the worse case (should we separate) I know that wouldn't get me n DS very far. I work PT so can't really save very much at the mo. DP also works PT but does earn 3-5K/yr more than me.

DP wants everything to be 50:50, which absolutely is fine by me. We don't have a joint bank account but stuff we buy tends to sort itself out during the week. It's hard to explain but when he knows I have savings he's less generous and expects me to spend at the same rate that he does. Eg recently we bought a new car as both of ours were 3door and I was struggling with DS and the car seat. We replaced my car as it was on the way out anyway. I was happy with a banger but he wanted a newer one that would require less work/be safer. fine we looked at cars approx 5-6K we were going 1/2 so 3K for me. However when we looked at cars we both liked a more expensive car (I know we both liked it) but it was 10k so that was 5k for me. Hence 5k left now.

Oh and before u ask I'm not sure whats happening about the getting married thing, I'm for it but DP is dragging his feet - that's a whole other thread.

So AIBU to keep this money up my sleeve for now? (Tho I don't like lying even though omission)

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 21/08/2015 19:02

I'd put that money in a joint account with yours and your mum's names on, for now. Muddy the waters about it being 'family money' if it should come out, but giving you access to it in an emergency (assuming your mum is trustworthy of course).

daisychain01 · 21/08/2015 19:02

I think it is totally unreasonable of him to be prepared to get into a committed relationship, have a child together and yet be happy to not make financial provision and security for the mother of his 18mth DS.

MistressMia · 21/08/2015 19:16

yet be happy to not make financial provision and security for the mother of his 18mth DS

WTF ???

She earns the same as him. Why the hell is he responsible for her financial provision ?

Women reduced back to being helpless vulnerable waifs entirely dependent on men.

He's the father of their child. Is she responsible for his financial provision & security or is the meal ticket just one way ?

ImperialBlether · 21/08/2015 21:04

MistressMia, when the OP went on maternity leave, she lost her income but continued to pay half the bills. Why should he not contribute to that?

Murfles · 21/08/2015 21:31

If a man had posted that he was not going to tell his DP about his inheritance all hell would break loose. You would be told to LTB no doubt OP.

BoffinMum · 21/08/2015 21:36

Not if the man was without assets while the woman was hanging on the house and everything else.

LieselVonTwat · 21/08/2015 21:50

The number of totally implausible 'you'd all be saying the opposite if OP was a man' claims seems to have increased from an already idiotically high rate recently. I do wish people would at least attempt to compare like with like.

BlahBlahUsername · 21/08/2015 22:08

Not if the man was without assets while the woman was hanging on the house and everything else.

That would be an unusual scenario, but yes.

BoffinMum · 21/08/2015 22:14

Happened to a couple we know and we fell out with the woman over it. She behaved very selfishly IMO

ijustwannadance · 21/08/2015 22:22

If i owned my own house that i had worked my entire adult life to pay off early and saved £50 grand, i would be very wary of getting married then potentially losing half of everything while partner got to stay in the house etc.

OP's DP has been able to save so much as she is paying half of everything but she has benifitted massively being able to have a cushy lifestyle, rent free, pre ds and being easily able to afford hols etc. Perhaps should've been a bit less care free and took the opportunity to save more like he did.

I don't see any issue with the situation tbh other than dp is a bit stingy and sensible but he IS providing for his child. The fact that you have savings and can easily afford to both only work 3 days a weeks is huge. Sounds like you have it very easy to me.

I dont think you should mention the 15 grand. Keep that safety net.

You could always tell your partner you want to go back full time so even if you split the childcare you'd only be paying one day a week but would give you chance to top up your savings.

Could you look into maybe an investment property? Rent would pay mortgage and if shit hit the fan you would own a house too.

Does DP want to retire young, hence his savings? Does he ever treat you to anything?

daisychain01 · 22/08/2015 05:44

OK call me old fashioned but I see a relationship as a partnership, not one where one person ring fences their assets, while the other person is left completely vulnerable such that they feel their best choice is to keep an inheritance a secret because they have to protect their own interests.

Lack of trust, keeping secrets and one person feeling forced into making financial decisions independently from the other isnt ideal.

VirginiaTonic · 22/08/2015 07:24

The OP has only been with DP for 6 years. He must have been saving for much longer than this.

DP is obviously great with money or has had some windfall of his own. They both have similar salaries.

If I was him I wouldn't want to commit my money unless I was 100% certain that the relationship was very stable.

sanfairyanne · 22/08/2015 07:49

how about you tell your dp you need to rein in spending so you can build up your savings? he probably did that earlier and now, mortgage free and with savings, is enjoying spending more. you cant afford to do that if your assets are not shared!

BeautifulBatman · 22/08/2015 08:05

If I was him I wouldn't want to commit my money unless I was 100% certain that the relationship was very stable.

Eh?? They've had a child. Must've been pretty committed? Or maybe that's the problem these days. People don't see having a child as a massive commitment to someone. I'll never understand why people are not scared of procreating but are of marriage. One can be ended. The other is for life.

onthematleavecountdown · 22/08/2015 09:20

Thank God you managed to have a discussion regarding having a baby, but haven't discussed any matters that affect said baby is selfish and ridiculous. Grow a pair and grow up, it's not hard. It's fact. He has x and you have y. Make a plan or you will stay in his very dangerous situation.

onthematleavecountdown · 22/08/2015 09:21

BEAUTIFUL BATMAN

You've knocked the nail on the head there. People rush into having children with no thought of the future. Selfish.

MistressMia · 22/08/2015 09:23

OK call me old fashioned but I see a relationship as a partnership, not one where one person ring fences their assets, while the other person is left completely vulnerable

In this day & age when relationships don't have the till 'death us do part longevity' of yesteryear, to share all assets including those accumulated prior to the partnership is not rational.

Your attitude would soon change if it was your assets that were subject to being given away.

It seems it's because she is a woman that there is an expectation that she should have an entitlement and be financially bettered.

I can't imagine a single one of you who is saying that she should be on the deeds, telling a woman to give away 50% of her savings and house to a man in similar circumstances. In fact he would be deemed to be taking advantage of her by not paying any rent.

BeautifulBatman · 22/08/2015 09:24

Frankly, unless the women is a much greeter earner/has wealth independent of the man, I think it's madness to have children and not be married. Especially in relationships like the OPs where finances are clearly an issue.

Oswin · 22/08/2015 09:44

I think he's a dick purely for the maternity leave thing. Wtf is that about. That really doesn't bode well.
What happens if you become ill or disabled. Would he support you?
What if you lost your Job?

DinosaursRoar · 22/08/2015 09:46

Personally, I think it take a particlarly cuntish type of man to plan a child with a woman when he's not 100% certain the relationship is stable enough to commit his money.

Accidental pregnancies happen, but the OP said they planned their DC. That's a massive decision to take, surely you should think if they are the person you want to be with long term before planning a child?

If he's not ready to commit to the OP, then why should he expect her to commit to him? OP, I would be looking at upping your hours and focusing on your career somewhat.

MistressMia · 22/08/2015 09:48

Frankly, unless the women is a much greeter earner/has wealth independent of the man, I think it's madness to have children and not be married

Why ?

As long as the man (or female NRP) supports the children (and by that I mean taking all costs fully into account - housing, childcare while she works or recompense for staying at home if necessary to do so) by the appropriate percentage, then marriage is unnecessary.

I think its time women were encouraged to make sure they were financially stable & independent with security, assets and an established career before embarking on having children and NOT view marriage as being the alternative for taking responsibility for themselves.

MistressMia · 22/08/2015 09:56

If he's not ready to commit to the OP, then why should he expect her to commit to him?

Where is he asking her to commit to him ? He's only asking her to pay 50% of joint expenses.

She is frittering away her money on extravagances because she's not been strong enough to say no. More fool her.

MistressMia · 22/08/2015 09:59

Personally, I think it take a particlarly cuntish type of man to plan a child with a woman when he's not 100% certain the relationship is stable enough to commit his money

He is supporting his child financially and otherwise by the exact same amount the OP is. Why exactly should he be giving away half of everything he owns ?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/08/2015 10:55

Joint finances don't work for everybody. I wouldn't do it.

It's quite hard to get your head around if you have never experanced any thing other than joint,it just appears weird I guess.

I don't think he sounds like an arse.

I think the op needs to take a bit of responsibility herself. She can improve her financial situation it's not as if he is not an equal parent and he clearly has not delegated all child stuff to her.

He should have taken a bigger hit during her unpaid ML but she didn't have a proper talk about it and she continued to pay 50/50 (Im assuming during those months he didn't do child stuff 50/50 if he did then he shouldn't have taken a bigger financial hit).

She's a grown up who should be perfectly capable of setting herself budgets when buying expensive things like cars.

When you have those types of financial arangements then savings are personal and don't need to be disclosed.

FuckOffJeffrey · 22/08/2015 11:15

He has his savings and you have yours. You said you found out he has 50k in savings because you accidentally seen a statement. He didn't share the details of his savings with you so there is no need for you to share the details of yours with him. I would set up an account with either internet only statements or have your parents house listed as the correspondence address.

If in the future you and your DP split up then you will have your savings as a safety net, particularly as it is his house. If at some point in the future your name is added to the house deeds or you get married and have completely shared finances then I would say tell him about the savings but until then no.