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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In not telling DP about some inheritance?

154 replies

HoneyOnToastYum · 21/08/2015 15:14

I recently received £15 grand as inheritance from my grandparents, and I don't know if AIBU not to tell by DP about it?

Background so not to drip feed: we are not married, been together since 2008, live in DP house that he owns outright (I'm not on the deeds) and we have a 18m DS. We don't really talk about money very much but I kinda get the feeling from DP what is his is his. I know he has some investments and as well as I saw his bank statement accidentally n he has 50k in it!

In comparison I have 5K in savings (other than the 15k), and that's it. I think we are good but in the worse case (should we separate) I know that wouldn't get me n DS very far. I work PT so can't really save very much at the mo. DP also works PT but does earn 3-5K/yr more than me.

DP wants everything to be 50:50, which absolutely is fine by me. We don't have a joint bank account but stuff we buy tends to sort itself out during the week. It's hard to explain but when he knows I have savings he's less generous and expects me to spend at the same rate that he does. Eg recently we bought a new car as both of ours were 3door and I was struggling with DS and the car seat. We replaced my car as it was on the way out anyway. I was happy with a banger but he wanted a newer one that would require less work/be safer. fine we looked at cars approx 5-6K we were going 1/2 so 3K for me. However when we looked at cars we both liked a more expensive car (I know we both liked it) but it was 10k so that was 5k for me. Hence 5k left now.

Oh and before u ask I'm not sure whats happening about the getting married thing, I'm for it but DP is dragging his feet - that's a whole other thread.

So AIBU to keep this money up my sleeve for now? (Tho I don't like lying even though omission)

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/08/2015 16:28

Odd, when the question "DH has just got a big bonus from work" comes up, the answer is always "belongs to everyone, it should be split." Mitten find me the thread where a man has given up work and his income to look after their baby, the woman thinks it's OK for him still to be paying even though he isn't earning and the man gets a windfall and it is expected to go into the pot. I'll wait...

Don't you think the answers would have been different if the OP had been about an equal relationship where they shared money? They don't share money, so why does the inheritance need to be shared?

Gymbunny1204 · 21/08/2015 16:30

Best delete your history if he takes the iPad off you once home..

Tangoandcreditcards · 21/08/2015 16:31

honey if you love and trust him it shouldn't be a difficult conversation. This inheritance might actually be an excellent way to start talking about the things that have gone "unchecked" (or unnoticed) to date, like the maternity leave thing and the car and what happens to the house (your home) if anything happens and you are still unmarried

I know it's not easy to talk about money (i do it professionally Smile) but both of you putting all your cards on the table is a better start than more deception.

MistressMia · 21/08/2015 16:34

Isn't the OP living rent free with everything else split 50:50 ?

Sounds like she has a very good deal.

Both earn about the same & work the same number of hours & do equal childcare / housework.

Other than not subbing her for the final 3 months of ML (which tbh is not a big deal - considering there's been no rent / mortgage to pay the OP should have had a fair chunk of savings).

I fail to see why he should put her on the deeds and why he is thought of as being abusive. I wouldn't be giving away 50% of any property that I had paid solely for.

Nothing wrong with each partner being financially independent and keeping their assets to themselves, seeing as how many relationships go on to breakdown.

VirginiaTonic · 21/08/2015 16:35

I always thought that if a couple have cohabiting for a certain length of time then they are each entitled to a share of the house, especially where children are involved.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 21/08/2015 16:36

and what happens to the house (your home) if anything happens and you are still unmarried

That's not even the only issue. If they remain unmarried, she has no claim on the house, and he keeps pushing her to drain her savings, then she's been prevented from investing in property (or whatever) herself. That's not OK.

BlahBlahUsername · 21/08/2015 16:36

Odd, when the question "DH has just got a big bonus from work" comes up, the answer is always "belongs to everyone, it should be split."

As it should be. Married couples share assets (or are supposed to). Also, it's very rarely the case that the woman in the relationship has a spare £50,000 in the bank that she keeps to herself...

peggyundercrackers · 21/08/2015 16:41

Virginia that's definitely not the case in Scotland. OP doesn't say where she is based though.

Thelushinthepub · 21/08/2015 16:43

I agree with mistress Mia, OP of you earn similar amounts you have a opportunity to save whatever he's spending on the mortgage that you are not.

DinosaursRoar · 21/08/2015 16:45

I wouldn't have dreamed of telling the now DH how to spend his bonus before we got married and had DCs. However, now we are a financial unit, then his bonus is part of our family income. As it is, he's always discussed with me his options and normally just puts bonuses into paying down the mortgage - a mortgage on a property I own too, not just him.

It might not be that he's deliberately taking the piss financially, it's not that he's trying to exploit you, but you both don't seem to have moved on from the 'flat share' mentality towards money most couples have in the early stages of living together, beting 2 individuals sharing a property, to being a family.

OP, I'd be looking to go back to work fulltime if you can, increase your income and career prospects.

HoopsAlot · 21/08/2015 16:48

Tell him casually you have recieved inheritance and what you intend to do with it.
If he has any grand ideas of joint spending just say no.
If you can lock most or all of it in a secure savings or postal account for at least a year so it can't be spent.

If you expect your rl to ever be fair or last then you need to address the money situation with him.
If that doesn't work then protect yourself and your dc as much as possible.

Original poster
HoneyOnToastYum · 21/08/2015 16:52

DP worked worked v.hard to pay off the house, doing lots of OT before I met him. I'm v proud of him 4 doing that but what was the purpose? If it was to provide for a family then he's done that. I don't expect any of the house, I was kinda thinking with some saving (v.long term) I could buy into the house? But then what's the point of that money sitting in his account when it could be making all of our life's better? This is some of the stuff I'm going to put in the letter. Smile

Yes I've been living rent free and having a nice life, especially before DS n I had to go PT but if I wasn't with DP I would have expected to have a house myself by now cause my money would have gone to that and not nice holidays, cars etc

Right going to delete history now, so not sure when I can return to the thread.

OP posts:
lotrben17 · 21/08/2015 16:55

no i don't think the 'living rent free' is a good deal - i don't think op's entitled to a half house she didn't pay towards, but also if you're perching in a house you have no entitlement to whilst not having enough savings to buy outright or building up a nest egg, that's not a secure future. Op's DP should be worried about her financial future because he loves her, aside of him being alright jack in a house he owns.

peggyundercrackers · 21/08/2015 16:57

a letter? why not just sit and speak to him about it instead of writing a letter?

SuperFlyHigh · 21/08/2015 17:00

keep the money. try and get the other stuff sorted out but don't be surprised if he stalls/doesn't want to make proper legal plans. as you have a son together there should be something in place there eg marriage etc or proper wills.

LieselVonTwat · 21/08/2015 17:00

Odd, when the question "DH has just got a big bonus from work" comes up, the answer is always "belongs to everyone, it should be split."

It isn't. But in any case, this is clearly a relationship where they have a culture of not discussing their savings. For me and for many of us that would be weird, and tbh I agree with previous posters that the lack of communication about finances here is a problem. However, that's from a perspective of always having had joint money in my relationship. If the norm for these two is to keep their assets separate, OP is simply going along with that.

Also OP I do think you'd be sensible to start building up savings, considering how best to invest and build up your assets. If you're going to be in a relationship where finances are separate, you need to ensure you feather your own nest. The nice holidays and cars might have to take a raincheck for a while.

BoffinMum · 21/08/2015 17:19

I would say the same to an unmarried man who was likely to be left with few if any assets if the relationship broke down. It is different if people are married as they have greater legal protection.

beardsrock · 21/08/2015 17:34

Keep schtum.

areyoubeingserviced · 21/08/2015 17:38

Don't tell him.

Reallywantgherkins · 21/08/2015 17:49

OP, I'm not going to say whether or not your relationship is financially uneven, I don't even have an opinion as to whether you should tell your partner about the inheritance.
One thing I do want to make you aware of however, just because your names on the log book for the car, doesn't mean the (actual physical) car is yours, the log book is just to show who takes legal responsibility for the car (tax, insurance, mot) so keep any other evidence you have relating to the purchase and your 5K.

AlpacaLypse · 21/08/2015 17:59

I always thought that if a couple have cohabiting for a certain length of time then they are each entitled to a share of the house, especially where children are involved.

Virginia Tonic you thought wrong. Yes, in that scenario, the ex partner who isn't the owner of the house might have a claim, but she/he would have to go to court for it and would probably not be entitled to legal aid and might very well end up spending more than she/he gained.

CalmYourselfTubbs · 21/08/2015 18:03

do not tell.
i really, really wouldn't tell him. ever
this doesn't sound like a good relationship anyway.
you might be glad of that 15 grand if you split and he won't have gotten his paws on it.

Gymbunny1204 · 21/08/2015 18:23

What's Really says about the car reads like you're on the log book so you're liable for all the car costs...

MistressMia · 21/08/2015 18:55

So you're liable for all the car costs...

Seeing as the car is hers (see prev advice about making sure that this is def so), then the costs should be hers, same as her DP's car costs are his.

OP you should stick firm to your individual budgets & that way you won't fritter your money away just because he wants to spend more than you do.

As he's paid half for your car are you going to have to shell out 50% of any amount that he decides to spend on his car ? ...If so, say no. £5k max should be you contribution to match the value he put towards yours.

Work out a holiday budget that you are happy with and stick to it. If he wants a more extravagant break he has to pay the full extra for both of you.

Just be frank with him and say that you have to save up, so that you too have some security, assets etc.

He's already got savings and a house and if he (reasonably) doesn't want to share his assets with you, then its wrong that he's preventing you from doing the same.

You just need to be more assertive.

daisychain01 · 21/08/2015 18:59
  • We don't really talk about money very much but I kinda get the feeling from DP what is his is his.
  • live in DP house that he owns outright (I'm not on the deeds) and we have a 18m DS.

How you run your finances is your business, but I have to say these statements are very concerning, not least of all because you have a child together and yet you are prepared to play guesswork about such an important thing as finances. He's obviously sitting pretty there, safe in the knowledge that he holds all the power.