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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In not telling DP about some inheritance?

154 replies

HoneyOnToastYum · 21/08/2015 15:14

I recently received £15 grand as inheritance from my grandparents, and I don't know if AIBU not to tell by DP about it?

Background so not to drip feed: we are not married, been together since 2008, live in DP house that he owns outright (I'm not on the deeds) and we have a 18m DS. We don't really talk about money very much but I kinda get the feeling from DP what is his is his. I know he has some investments and as well as I saw his bank statement accidentally n he has 50k in it!

In comparison I have 5K in savings (other than the 15k), and that's it. I think we are good but in the worse case (should we separate) I know that wouldn't get me n DS very far. I work PT so can't really save very much at the mo. DP also works PT but does earn 3-5K/yr more than me.

DP wants everything to be 50:50, which absolutely is fine by me. We don't have a joint bank account but stuff we buy tends to sort itself out during the week. It's hard to explain but when he knows I have savings he's less generous and expects me to spend at the same rate that he does. Eg recently we bought a new car as both of ours were 3door and I was struggling with DS and the car seat. We replaced my car as it was on the way out anyway. I was happy with a banger but he wanted a newer one that would require less work/be safer. fine we looked at cars approx 5-6K we were going 1/2 so 3K for me. However when we looked at cars we both liked a more expensive car (I know we both liked it) but it was 10k so that was 5k for me. Hence 5k left now.

Oh and before u ask I'm not sure whats happening about the getting married thing, I'm for it but DP is dragging his feet - that's a whole other thread.

So AIBU to keep this money up my sleeve for now? (Tho I don't like lying even though omission)

OP posts:
BeautifulBatman · 22/08/2015 13:22

Mistress taking all costs fully into account - housing, childcare while she works or recompense for staying at home if necessary to do so) by the appropriate percentage, then marriage is unnecessary.

Yes, in a perfect world, that would happen. But you don't need to venture far into the forums here to find that hundreds of women who were only DPs get completely shafted if the man should decide to skip off into the sunset, with all his assets, and only be legally obliged to pay the minimum child maintenance, regardless of how much the woman gave up, financially and career wise. Get real!

MistressMia · 22/08/2015 15:01

Regardless of how much the woman gave up, financially and career wise

The forums show plenty of married women have been shafted too. Hiding assets going self -employed etc.

The solution is not a piece of paper but for women to take responsibility and control of their destiny and choices and retain independence.

Not to sacrifice their need for their own property & savings for OH's desire for a flasher car or give up their work so that DP/DH can concentrate on his.

If you are going to forgo career, salary etc then have the conversation before you conceive and work out the specifics of how he will recompense you for the sacrifices you will make.

It's not on to make negligible effort yourself and then expect the man to simply bestow you with property & money because you had a baby together or were married / living together.

BeautifulBatman · 22/08/2015 15:34

Marriage gives you legal recourse. Sorry, but it's a no brainer if kids are involved IMO.

ijustwannadance · 22/08/2015 17:57

I completely agree with mistress mia.

This man worked his arse off so that when he had a family they would be able to have a comfortable life and be able to be there for any DC's while young.

She took great advantage of the free rent and easy living before DC when she could of saved more.

He enables her to only need to work pt (she could easily go full time again if so arsed about savings, it's not like they can't afford the childcare and he only works pt). No mortgage or rent to pay!

Annoys me those posters saying she is vulnerable etc. She has money and can work. He would no doubt still pay/care for child if they split. She may not be able to live the cushy lifestyle shes used to but she is in a far better position than most.

He does his share of everything, and sounds like a good man to me. Just careful with money.

I have been with my DP for 7 years and have 1 DD. Do not give a toss about getting married. I would never have a joint account unless it was a seperate one we both only paid in cash to cover a mortgage or shared bills, nothing else.

BeautifulBatman · 22/08/2015 18:15

Who mentioned joint accounts? Not me. I'm married and we don't have one, nor to we want one.

As for 'he would no doubt still pay/care etc'. I'm sure that's what every other unmarried lone parent thought at some point.....

ijustwannadance · 22/08/2015 18:43

Op is just miffed that her dp has £50 grand and she only has 20. Been together 6 years. She has only had to pay half of living cost and no rent. If her dp had his house bought and pretty much paid for before they met and she didn't own a house, that is not his problem.

JanetBlyton · 22/08/2015 19:42

It sounds like she lives rent free (!!!) because he worked hard to get the mortgage free home. She is therefore in a sense living the life of riley at his expense when otherwise she might be paying over £1k a month in rent so has done rather well out of the whole thing.
Full time work migh be wise though in case things go wrong later.

BeautifulBatman · 22/08/2015 21:27

Gosh. I live 'rent free'. And I don't contribute towards any bills either. And I won't be for at least the next 4-5 years. Lucky, lucky me.

MistressMia · 22/08/2015 22:14

There's nothing wrong with not making a contribution to household costs if that's what both partners have decided.

Its the expectation that one should be entitled to the assets of the other but only if its the woman that is the recipient that is the issue I'm contesting.

TBF the OP doesn't actually think this. Its other posters on here who appear to think that any woman who's given birth (or even just co-habits for any period of time) is by the very nature of being a woman, entitled to be supported and rewarded handsomely.

PurpleDaisies · 22/08/2015 22:29

I don't really get why you wouldn't tell him. You've gone down the separate finances route (which works well for some couples) and he already has savings of his own so you having extra savings shouldn't be a problem at all. It doesn't affect him in the slightest.

How would you feel if you found out he had inherited the same amount as you have but not told you?

It sounds like your current arrangements are leading to some resentment on your part so I think you should sit down and have an adult conversation about it.

LieselVonTwat · 23/08/2015 09:13

OP is living rent free, but equally nobody yet seems to have realised that she's bringing in more to the household than DP. They both earn the same, but she does so from part time hours rather than full time and looks after DS on the other days. Thus her contribution is greater in that respect.

whattheseithakasmean · 23/08/2015 09:23

Leisel they both work PT and share the care of the child, although he earns more for his part time hours, so in fact he is the one bringing more into the household.

I think if you are going to start lying about inheriting money, your relationship is pretty much dead in the water. There is no basis for secrecy and selfishness in a strong and lasting marriage/partnership. The issues at the heart of this relationship need to be addressed.

OP, I think you should tell your partner about the inheritance and use this as the reason to flag up a serious and mature discussion about the basis of your relationship, both practically and emotionally.

BoffinMum · 23/08/2015 09:26

The DP did not have to suffer the impact of loss of earnings as a consequence of childbearing. So it's not equal at all.

LieselVonTwat · 23/08/2015 09:26

Oh yes they do both work part time in fact, on similar earnings. Forget that point then.

whattheseithakasmean · 23/08/2015 09:28

I can't find anything in the OP's posts regarding loss of earnings as a consequence of childbearing - do you mean when she was on maternity leave?

If they are both part time to share child care, they will both suffer in the workplace, as sadly part time workers are seldom taken seriously and usually looked over for promotion.

LieselVonTwat · 23/08/2015 09:30

Although boffinmum also makes a valid point too, cross posted there. We know that pregnancy and maternity leave on average impacts negatively on a woman's earning potential. Whereas DP will have been able to enjoy parenthood without incurring this disadvantage. So there's that.

With all this in mind, I repeat my advice to OP from upthread. Feather your own nest, and don't let DP talk you into excessive 'lifestyle' spending.

MerryMarigold · 23/08/2015 09:34

I'm just wondering how he's got 50K in savings and works part time Shock. What career is he in? I want one.

MistressMia · 23/08/2015 09:38

The DP did not have to suffer the impact of loss of earnings as a consequence of childbearing. So it's not equal at all

She's virtually the same grade as him, so no long term impact.

There was a loss short term while on ML but that's been more than compensated for by her never having to pay to house herself even prior to DC.

Swings & roundabouts really. She's still had the better deal overall.

EBearhug · 23/08/2015 09:54

I'm just wondering how he's got 50K in savings and works part time

I know people in IT who are like this. (Not all of us, sadly for me.)

nooka · 23/08/2015 09:57

I had an inheritance that enabled us to buy our first flat outright. I have never considered that dh lived 'rent free' do people think that the OP should be paying her partner rent? That would seem very odd.

On the other hand it was annoying to be told by a solicitor when we separated for a while that dh was entitled to half of the house, even though he didn't put a penny towards it.

Costacoffeeplease · 23/08/2015 09:57

I can't imagine a situation where one of us inherited 15k and didn't tell the other - we're partners, equal, nothing is mine or his. If you can't even discuss finances in a grown up, adult way, this is not a good relationship at all

LieselVonTwat · 23/08/2015 10:56

She's virtually the same grade as him, so no long term impact.

That doesn't necessarily follow. The grade that he's at is irrelevant to the question of whether pregnancy and a year's ML has impacted on her earning ability.

BoffinMum · 23/08/2015 11:04

So how reasonable would it be for the OP to, say, buy an investment property as a buy to let using the £15k as a deposit, use the rental income to pay off the mortgage, and then keep the proceeds to herself should there be a profit upon resale? Because that's basically the position her DP is in, being able to do that. (This is actually the most sensible use of the money, btw).

BadLad · 23/08/2015 11:06

Why not just tell him and then keep it out of his reach, as you both already seem to do with your assets?

JanetBlyton · 23/08/2015 11:40

nooka, but you're married. There is a world of difference between live in lovers with not an iota of rights to claim the assets of the other if they spilt up ( a principle I support) and people who choose marriage which comes with all kinds of legal obligations and rights.

If she tells him why should she. He hasn't told her about the £15k. Apparently if he ever thinks she has a bit more money he pays less.

If she is choosing to pay surplus money to her (but not his) adult children and instead he saved his money it all sounds pretty fair to me - both on a similar grade, both working part time.